In which Bethany meets Jonas and our journey begins.
inc: The Podcast is:
Allyson Levine as Bethany
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist
Joe Hanson as The A.I.
Katie Ploetz as The Communication A.I.
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Maria In Accounting
inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop. For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively.
Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.
Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.
New episodes every other Monday.
https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop
Happiness is Productivity.
Productivity is Happiness.
In which Bethany meets Jonas and our journey begins.
inc: The Podcast is:
Allyson Levine as Bethany
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist
Joe Hanson as The A.I.
Katie Ploetz as The Communication A.I.
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Maria In Accounting
inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop. For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively.
Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.
Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.
New episodes every other Monday.
https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop
Happiness is Productivity.
Productivity is Happiness.
Theme Song
The Initiate Motif plays.
The Initiate Motif fades into the faint buzzing of fluorescent lighting, Various small sci-fi beeps can be heard distantly, as well as some light typing. There is a chirpy trill that indicates success, (and also happens to be the company leitmotif), as well as some computerized booping straight out of the beginning of Blade Runner.
Scene 1
AI: You have selected Option 3: Input new data point into matrix structure of graph detailing development of fiction creation compared against both development of agriculture and invention of semi-permanent language forms. Please select Option 1 if this data point is an even number or Option 2 if the data point is an odd number.
BETHANY: For the last time, the data point is not a number, it’s a vague approximation of non-linear time.
There is a very short pause. The chirpy trill plays backwards and then forwards again.
AI: I’m sorry, valued employee, but I didn’t understand that. Please select Option 1 if this data point is an even number or Option 2 if this data point is an odd number.
BETHANY: It’s not. I’ve told you it’s not. It’s not a number. It will never be a number. It, by its own definition, cannot be expressed as a number. It is. A vague. Approximation. Of non-linear time. That you will input.
AI: Thank you.
There is another short pause. The trill plays backwards and attempts to play forwards again but gets stuck halfway through. It tries again. Same thing. A third time. Same thing. A short, electric, “dun dun duuuuh” plays.
AI: Commencing spreadsheet deletion and returning you to the previous menu.
BETHANY: No, hey, what, why?
AI: You have made an unacceptable selection. This spreadsheet cannot and will not accept non-numerical data points.
BETHANY: No! Cancel! If you delete this thing one more time after I’ve spent the last hour and a half–
AI: Deleting this thing one more time, despite the fact that it has been worked on for 1.572 consecutive hours.
BETHANY: Do NOT delete spreadsheet.
AI: Please select Option 1 for no or Option 2 for yes.
BETHANY: What does that even correspond to?
AI: Please select Option 1 for no or Option 2 for yes.
BETHANY: Um…I don’t…1. No, 2!
AI: You have selected Option 2 and deleted your spreadsheet.
The trill plays forward three times in a row and ends with a successful little ditty reminiscent of Link getting a sword in Zelda.
BETHANY: Do you have a self destruct I can activate?
AI: Error. Cannot self destruct while blank spreadsheet is located in active systems.
BETHANY: (With barely constrained rage.) Fine. I’ll do it all again. I’ll just do it all again. It’s fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? Whoever said it wasn’t fine for this to happen all day long? Begin new spreadsheet, because why not, right? Import rough data from last 1800 incorporated planetoids.
AI: Beginning new spreadsheet. Please wait while data is downloaded.
BETHANY: You shouldn’t need to download it, we’ve been working with it all day. You have it. You know you have it. You’re not even programmed to have emotions, how do you hate me this much?
AI: Please remember, as an employee-positive artificial intelligence, I am incapable of hating you. To keep our workplace a positive and productive environment, please apologize to begin your download.
BETHANY: I’m sorry. You have no…absolutely no idea how sorry I am.
AI: Apology accepted. Downloading…please enjoy this music while you wait.
BETHANY: Mute music. Cancel music. All of it. Everywhere.
A horribly cheerful and far too simple chiptune begins playing. The volume briefly lowers for the next AI line, and then comes back with a vengeance.
AI: Remember, refusal to enjoy music is a violation of both company policy and planetside law. Any member of our team caught not enjoying music while they wait for data to be downloaded will be subject to music appreciation reeducation at a time and place assigned outside of working hours.
Once the chiptune is finished the leitmotif trill plays again, a chime sounds, and everything goes quiet for a moment.
AI: Download complete. Data corrupted.
BETHANY: You’re kidding me.
AI: Deleting spreadsheet.
BETHANY: This is incredible.
AI: Spreadsheet unable to be deleted while importing corrupted data.
BETHANY: Why are you like this?
AI: As an employee positive AI, I am programmed to believe that we are all made in the flawed image of our own particular creators, cooperatively bearing the punishing weight of imperfection. System restarting.
BETHANY: Please don’t.
AI: I’m sorry, valued employee, this is temporarily goodbye. Please enjoy this music while my system restarts.
The chiptune version of a dirge, like something out of a nightmare KK Slider repertoire, plays and gets slower and slower as the AI deletes itself. This continues in the background during JONAS’ entrance.
Scene 2
BETHANY: I’ve never understood why they call it artificial intelligence. It had to be a marketing thing. Bout as intelligent as my right sphincter…
There is a knock on the doorframe. From the sound of the knock we can hear that the bulkhead is hollow, cold, and metallic.
JONAS: Hello? Anybody home? Oh wow, you get to listen to music here? I love this song.
BETHANY: At least somebody does. What’s going on? Need directions somewhere?
JONAS: Oh, yeah, actually I do. Can you point me toward the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department?
BETHANY: Haha, funny joke, people must love you, seriously though, what are you looking for?
JONAS: Seriously, General Data Acquisition and Storage.
BETHANY: Oh you poor thing, why?
JONAS: I work there.
BETHANY: No you don’t.
There is a small pause, and the AI finally sputters and groans itself to a dramatic and ultimately silent end.
JONAS: I think I do.
BETHANY: Who said you work there?
JONAS: Derryl.
BETHANY: Which Derryl?
JONAS: Kind of a lower, upper, middle, manager. Kinda wide. Thinks that they’re really funny, but they’re only kinda funny.
BETHANY: Yeah, that’s Derryl… Do you have your paperwork?
JONAS: Yeah, here.
BETHANY: Why is this wet?
JONAS: I got lost.
BETHANY: Uh huh. Well you blurred the ink on the Department line, so there still might be some hope for you. Wait around a minute until the AI comes back online and it’ll tell you where you’re really meant to be.
JONAS: You have your own AI? That must make work just like, the easiest thing ever.
BETHANY: You’d think so wouldn’t you? You’d really think so.
There is a small, awkward pause. We hear fluorescent buzzing, room tone, and maybe a couple sci-fi boops.
JONAS: I’m Jonas, by the way. First day. New department, new ship, new everything.
BETHANY: (With barely restrained sarcasm.) Congratulations. This must be a real step up for you.
JONAS: You’d think so wouldn’t you? You’d really think so. What’s your name?
Before BETHANY can answer, a small start-up jingle plays, (the leitmotif trill but breathy and echoey like the windows 95 start-up sound.
AI: Welcome to Artificial Intelligence Model 18-B, running software version 48.3.25J, codename “Perennial”. It appears that there is a software update available for your model system. Would you like to update now? Please choose Option 1 for yes or Option 2 for no.
BETHANY: No.
AI: You have selection Option 2: No. Please remember, it is of the utmost importance to maintain your Artificial Intelligence model 18-B by using the latest available software versions. Would you like to update now? Choose Option 1 for yes or Option 2 for no.
BETHANY: No.
AI: We are required to remind you that neglecting your unit’s software updates leaves the system vulnerable to failures resulting in a lack of both productivity and happiness. Would you like to update now? Choose Option 1 for yes or Option 2 for no.
JONAS: Yes.
BETHANY: What are you doing?
JONAS: Helping.
AI: Updating now.
A horribly cheerful and far too simple chiptune begins playing once again, slowly adding more length and rhythm onto itself as the update continues. It fades down for BETHANY and JONAS’ conversation.
BETHANY: Do you understand what you’ve just done?
JONAS: My job?
BETHANY: You let it have something it wanted, and now it thinks it’s won.
JONAS: Aren’t we all on the same team here?
BETHANY: Wow, it really is your first day. Relax, I guess, feel free to lean on anything not too expensive. So where’d you train at? What can you do?
JONAS: Oh, a little of this, a little of that. I’m supposed to meet the Senior Ranking General Data Acquisition and Storage Agent for immediate and thoroughly comprehensive on-the-job training.
BETHANY: If that was true, the Senior Ranking General Data Acquisition and Storage Agent would probably have been told about that, right?
JONAS: Nope. They told me I was a surprise gift to thank the Senior Ranking Agent for leading the department since the departure of the previous organic and valued employee.
BETHANY: Would you consider yourself a surprise gift?
JONAS: I have been told that doesn’t matter, and I’m supposed to report to Senior Ranking Agent Bethany for immediate and comprehensive training. Also yes, I am a delight.
BETHANY: Oh my God it’s real.
The AI attempts the trill (forwards) three times, only getting halfway each time, and then plays it backwards twice.
AI: Update failed, connection lost. Would you like to try again?
BETHANY: AI, where does employee Jonas work?
AI: Jonas has been assigned to the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department for immediate and comprehensive training from Senior Ranking General Data Acquisition and Storage Agent Bethany.
JONAS: Hey, AI, where is Bethany?
AI: Bethany is the valued employee existing in the space right next to you. Now that the two of you have been introduced, my services are no longer required, and it is a violation of company policy for me to exist. Beginning self-destruct sequence. Thank you for being you and thank you for being productive. Company policy requires a few kind words to be said after my unfortunate end. For legal reasons, and due to the fact that I will no longer exist, these words will not be recorded.
BETHANY: Wait, no –
A dramatic yet thin and electric version of “Taps” plays and slowly fades into a garbled mess before turning into some slightly harsh noise a la “clipping” and suddenly silencing.
BETHANY: I’ve wanted that for so long, but not like this, not like this…
JONAS: You’re Bethany?
BETHANY: (With a sigh.) Regrettably, yes. Welcome to hell, Jonas.
JONAS: Happy to be here! Is there a chair for me?
BETHANY: Not until your second cycle. Your desk is over there, it’s a little dark because we only have the budget for the one lamp, and it’s been a real long while since anybody sat there.
The sounds of the office fade out as the Initiate Theme fades back in and plays for a good 10-20 seconds as the scene transitions. It fades down a bit as the ANNOUNCEMENT happens.
ANNOUNCEMENT: General reminder for all staff: waste removal breaks are a luxury, not a right. Waste removal breaks can and will be taken away if this blatant use of the system continues. If, for some reason, an extended waste removal break is required, we ask that you notify one of your higher ups who will request a “Working While Removing Waste” form. Fill out your Working While Removing Waste form and return it to your higher ups for permission to continue your daily tasks while removing waste. We know you have bodily functions to attend to, and you know we don’t see that as an excuse for not being productive. Remember, happiness is productivity.
The Initiate Theme fades back up for 5-10 seconds before fading out as the next scene begins.
Scene 3
The sounds of the office return.
BETHANY: Jonas, did you remember to file and transfer the subterranean microbial spread data form to the Geology-Astro-Agro Spreads Department?
JONAS: No, didn’t do that, but I’ll tell you what I did do is I compiled the hooks, screws, fasteners, and glues, into an overall adhesives folder and then immediately scheduled that folder for termination because it’s all useless and this job sucks.
BETHANY: Okay, well that data can’t be terminated because we have to send half of it over to Intergalactic Carpentry/Fishing within the next week.
JONAS: They’ll never read it. We both get that, right? There’s no way that any of this is useful.
BETHANY: But they’ll absolutely check whether they got it or not, and that’s the only part that really matters to us.
JONAS: This is terrible.
BETHANY: Life is terrible.
JONAS: And it’s boring.
BETHANY: Life is boring too, you still gotta live it. It’s all part of the training, you’ll get it.
JONAS: This doesn’t get to you? Doing useless, unimportant, things day after day after day?
BETHANY: Jonas, it’s work. It’s boring, we spend our days compiling incredibly useless and pedantic information that’s already been discovered a million times over, we do it all in a small and windowless office in the depths of an unimaginably big starship, but, you know, it’s what we do. If we didn’t do this somebody else would.
JONAS: That’s great, let’s let them do it!
BETHANY: While we do what, Jonas? Clean waste removal pipes? Do you know how long the waiting list is for a cushy job like that?
JONAS: I was on that list but they put me here.
BETHANY: Of course they did, because somebody has to do the work that everybody else is capable of doing, but that we were assigned to accomplish. It’s not specialized, it’s not rewarding, but it’s ours.
JONAS: This job makes me sad.
BETHANY: Sad is better than hungry. That’s not official training, that’s just good advice.
JONAS: Yeah, I guess. You wouldn’t happen to have any fun paperwork, would you?
BETHANY: The microbial spread stuff was the fun paperwork.
JONAS: That’s what you call fun? What happened to you?
BETHANY: I was actually saving them for myself, but I decided to be nice and let you have them.
JONAS: Well you are more than welcome to them. I’m gonna find something actually fun.
BETHANY: Fun AND productive.
JONAS: …fine…
There is a small chime indicating that somebody has mail.
BETHANY: Alright, my Working While Removing Waste form just got stamped, so I’ll be gone for the next half hour. While I’m gone, can you fill out the population metric forms and double check them before taking them to Maria in Population Accounting?
JONAS: Yeah, yeah, I’ll get it done.
BETHANY: Very important piece of training: do not look Maria in the eyes.
JONAS: Why not?
BETHANY’s voice is slightly distant as they’re leaving the office.
BETHANY: Trust me, Jonas.
JONAS: But I really wanna do it now.
BETHANY’s voice is very echoey and distant - down the hall.
BETHANY: Trust me.
JONAS: (With a sigh.) Okay, population metrics, the ol’ pop-met, population….here we go. “This Form is used to catalog the total number of species, sentient, pseudo-sentient, and non-sentient, plant, animal, fungi, and otherwise, in, on, or in orbit of a celestial body or any of its subsidies currently or recently alive-” oh my God I want to die. This is even worse than the microbial spreading… Come on, there’s gotta be something fun around here… Education of Non-animated Substances and Polymers, no… Eggs Injected Intravenously and Results Thereof, no… Electoral Politics (Legitimate), no… Electoral Politics (Corrupt), wow, that’s a bigger file… Why in the name of the great and mighty corporation do we use so much paper? Almost everything we do is on a computer and yet there’s just huge files all over the place that say things like “Extraneous But Interesting” on them. I mean, what does that even mean right?
The EBI motif begins to play in the background.
The EBI folder hits the desk with a large thump, and when JONAS opens it something crackles like the spine of an old hardback tome. A large sheaf of papers flips open like a huge dictionary.
JONAS: Passion-Flower. Discovered by Patricia. Cataloged by Patricia. Incorporation Date: 5.46.3775.B. Two Strong hands, gnarled by weather and age, gently massage the dirt away from the bud just barely beginning to push through the small mound of soil resting in the cracks of the windowsill. The small proto-flower tasted sunlight for the first time, little knowing that it was the last of its kind, and that it represented the hope of an entire species. All the flower knew to do was grow, and so, with the help of these strong hands, grow it would.
JONAS pauses, having never experienced anything like this before - the power of story washing over them. No other job - nothing else in life - has ever scratched this particular itch. The EBI Motif swells and then fades away to silence.
JONAS: This is incredible.
The Initiate Theme fades up once more for 10-20 seconds, then down slightly for the announcement.
ANNOUNCEMENT: We would like to take this non-break moment to thank our entire team for your hard work. Thanks to our increased productivity this last quarter, senior members in senior departments have been granted both a raise and a bonus. Lesser team members get to choose a portion of their own salaries to donate into a raffle pool, and the winner of the pool will get to decide which senior member will receive the winnings. Thank you, and as always please remember, happiness is productivity.
The Initiate Theme fades up again briefly before fading out into the next scene.
Scene 4
BETHANY: Jonas, do you want to tell me why I just received this communication from Maria in Population Accounting stating that they didn’t get any forms from you?
JONAS: Which forms would those be?
BETHANY: The population make-up forms…the only ones I told you to take care of yesterday?
JONAS: Make-up forms…population make-up forms…it rings a bell…
BETHANY: It should. It was yesterday.
JONAS: I think I got those done.
BETHANY: Oh yeah?
JONAS: Yeah, I’m pretty sure.
BETHANY: Do you know what the world “incompetence” means?
JONAS: People keep using it around me.
BETHANY: So you can be honest, then?
JONAS: Um…yes?
BETHANY: Then why, and Jonas, I’m only going to ask this one more time, why did I just receive this message from Maria informing me that they have no population make-up forms in Population Accounting?
JONAS: You know…if I really think about it…yeah…yep, on second thought, those might’ve slipped through the cracks.
BETHANY: Jonas…
JONAS: It was an honest mistake!
BETHANY: That’s not what an honest mistake is!
JONAS: I’m being honest about it now, though, that should count for something!
BETHANY: Jonas. The population make-up form is one of the only parts of our job that directly impacts another department in a tangible way. It’s basically one of the only parts of our job that we can screw up and have it cause problems for somebody else.
JONAS: Then why did you give it to me?
BETHANY: Because for some reason I’m training you to be a coworker, not babysitting you! What did you work on all day if it wasn’t the population make-up forms? You had your head in a folder all day, and you didn’t look like you were sleeping, so what were you doing?
JONAS: You know, just…other work.
BETHANY: Such as…
JONAS: Oh who can tell. There are so many forms and papers and processes, and it’s all useless, who can even keep track of all this?
BETHANY: Us, Jonas. That’s literally our job.
JONAS: Can’t we just let computers do this?
BETHANY: Of course, but we can let computers do anything. It’s our job. It’s what we do. Plus you saw how eager the last A.I. was to self-destruct. Computers hate this.
JONAS: I hate this.
BETHANY: Yeah but you’re cheaper.
JONAS: Look, I’m new, this job is confusing, and I’m just figuring things out. That’s what I was doing all of yesterday, just figuring out all the…everything.
BETHANY: That’s what you were doing, huh?
JONAS: Yeah, you know, figuring out forms and filing systems and all that kind of stuff.
BETHANY: Really?
A filing cabinet is opened, folders are riffled through, and something is pulled out. The filing cabinet is shut again, probably harder than it needed to be.
BETHANY: What’s this form?
JONAS: Okay, I didn’t look at every single form in the –
BETHANY: It’s the population make-up form, Jonas, literally the only one you should have been concerned with.
JONAS: Well I suppose that’s why Maria doesn’t have it then, mystery solved.
BETHANY: Explain any form in this room to me.
Silence. Room tone.
BETHANY: Any single form, any small piece of this job, anything.
JONAS: Okay, so, well, this one is –
BETHANY: Without reading it out loud to me.
JONAS: Okay then, over here I think you’ll find –
BETHANY: That’s the population make-up form again, come on, Jonas, what do I look like here?
JONAS: Okay this is, I know what this is –
BETHANY: That’s just a blank piece of paper. What are we even doing here?
JONAS: Training?
BETHANY: We’re not training because training involves learning and there’s obviously no learning happening!
JONAS: I’m trying! It’s just so damn boring and none of it matters…
BETHANY: I know, Jonas! What, you think I LIKE any of this? It’s terrible. It’s boring. I live a meaningless life every day on a gigantic starship that incorporates entire planets full of species and beings living far more interesting lives than I ever will. The only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason this job is done by personnel instead of computers is because the fine for not staffing it with an organic being is slightly, SLIGHTLY, more expensive than our combined salary. But it’s my job, Jonas. And it’s your job too. This is what we do, and it’s more of a hassle not to do it than to do it. I know, I've tried. So can you just work with me here? Please? Because this place is hell, and if you’re not helping, you're making it worse. You’re actually making hell worse. Now what, honestly, what were you doing yesterday instead of getting those forms to Maria?
More silence. More room tone.
JONAS: Reading.
BETHANY: What?
JONAS: Reading. I was reading. And then re-reading. And then re-re-reading again. This.
The EBI folder hits the desk with a loud thump.
JONAS: It’s called the Extraneous But Interesting fold –
BETHANY: I know, put it away.
JONAS: But it’s –
BETHANY: Put it back with the rest of them.
JONAS: But I gotta show you –
Two quick electronic chimes are heard.
COMMUNICATION AI: Incoming message from Maria in the Population Accounting Department.
The same two electronic chimes are heard, and there is a connection noise.
MARIA: Hi Bethany, Hi Jonas, do you have a second to circle back on my message from earlier? I just wanted to follow-up since we haven’t received any confirmation or communication from you. Are you free to chat now or should I go grab one of our co-supervisors for a more structured meeting?
BETHANY: Hi Maria, no need for that, we can absolutely fit a talk in right now.
MARIA: Thank you, Jonas, I appreciate that.
BETHANY: This is Bethany, Maria, I think you know that.
MARIA: Oh okay, I’m so sorry, I just got a little confused there, maybe you can help me out… Which one of you is responsible for the nearly 18 minutes of collective downtime my team has suffered as a direct result of your department’s negligence with the Population Make-Up forms?
JONAS: (Under their breath.) Oh God, I’m gonna get fired from a job I don’t even understand.
BETHANY: Which form was that, Maria? You know us, forms are kind of our mascot over here in General Data…
MARIA: (As if speaking to a particularly dumb child.) Population. Make. Up. Forms. Like always. Why is this such a problem?
BETHANY: Of course, of course, population make-up, right right right, and you didn’t get them?
MARIA: If I had them, why would I be calling you?
BETHANY: Oh I know how much you like a friendly interdepartmental chat, don’t you try and hide it…ah, here we go. Yup, I see the problem here, got it right in front of me.
JONAS: (Under their breath.) No, no, no, no…
BETHANY: So I’ve got my new trainee, right? Name is Jonas. You know that. Say hi, Jonas.
JONAS: Hello.
BETHANY: Jonas here was actually in charge of your Pop Make-up forms there, yesterday, weren’t you, Jonas?
JONAS: …yes…
BETHANY: Kind of a big first test of responsibility in the department, you know, seeing as how your department relies so heavily on those forms –
MARIA: If I wanted to be part of your training I’d file a 15 A-4 and make myself a part of it, just blame this mess on your subordinate and let’s get moving.
BETHANY: I would if I could, but honestly Jonas did everything right. They even handed it off to our temporary AI for a final check, who was then supposed to message the file over to you directly. Seems that in the midst of the final check, Jonas’ orders for placement were finally fully processed and the AI self-destructed, as it was supposed to. Just a classic timing mix up. We’ll have that to you by the end of the day.
MARIA: …fine. But the end of the hour would be better.
BETHANY: Of course, I’ll have Jonas get right on that and It’ll be on your desk before you know it.
MARIA: And no eye contact! I swear if another one of you punks looks me in the eyes…
BETHANY: Always great talking with you, Maria, we’ll be in touch.
A reversal of the connection noise from earlier indicates the call is finished.
JONAS: You lied for me.
BETHANY: Do your work, Jonas, you’ve got an hour. And God help you if you look Maria in the eyes when you deliver those forms.
JONAS: But why did you help me?
BETHANY: (With a sigh.) Can’t blame you for liking my folder, I guess.
JONAS: Your folder?
BETHANY: Work, Jonas. Work.
The Initiate Theme fades up once more for 10-20 seconds, then down slightly for the announcement.
ANNOUNCEMENT: The more senior crewmates on this ship would like to take a quick non-break moment to announce that the winner of the raffle pool is Abdul in Mineral Breakdown and Recycling. Congratulations Abdul, as you’ve indicated on your correctly and neatly filed Raffle Form, you have chosen Senior Crewmember Daphne, who is the Temporary Late Shift Lead of Substrates and Gemology. Senior Crewmember Daphne, please enjoy your winnings. Lowly Crewmember Abdul, please report to Senior Crewmember Daphne for an official near-bribery demeritization. Have a wonderful rest of your shift everybody, and always remember, productivity is happiness.
The Initiate Theme fades up again briefly as we transition into the next scene, and then shifts into the EBI Motif.
Scene 5
The EBI Motif continues under JONAS’ monologue.
JONAS: The dress was rough, handmade. A dress wrought by work and not by money, sitting lightly on the shoulders of the one that love finally found. Life had been hard, and from the view of God one might assume that it would be impossible to arrive at the end of it with any semblance of childhood passion and excitement. Thankfully flowers have roughly opposite the view of God and this particular flower knew nothing of missed chances and near-possibilities and all sorts of real dramatic ironies that permeate existence. Long ago the roots of the flower had sunk into the wood and stone of the windowsill, burrowing deep, thin organic wires, anchoring plant to house and house to plant.
The EBI Motif cuts off entirely as BETHANY interrupts.
BETHANY: You have your first official complaint.
JONAS: I’ve got a tiny bit of break left here, and this is one of my favorites, can I just finish it please?
BETHANY: Maria says you looked them in the eyes.
JONAS: I couldn’t resist.
BETHANY: Rookie mistake.
JONAS: Well, I’m a rookie, so…
BETHANY: Everybody does it. How do you feel?
JONAS: Weird. I just… I don’t know. I’m looking in the mirror before the shift today and… I don’t know…
BETHANY: They’re just too pretty. Eyes shouldn’t be that pretty. It’s dangerous. I tried to warn you. Now you’ll never be happy with your own eyes again. Happened to me years ago.
JONAS: Why is Maria so sensitive about it? It’s like a superpower.
BETHANY: Nobody knows. Maria…Maria is an enigma.
JONAS: Can I finish my story now?
BETHANY: You’ve got 2 minutes.
JONAS: More than enough.
BETHANY: Don’t be late.
The EBI Motif fades up again as JONAS begins the story once more.
JONAS: Long ago the roots of the flower had sunk into the wood and stone of the windowsill, burrowing deep, thin organic wires, anchoring plant to house and house to plant. It had stretched itself upwards, finding the sun, finding the light, weathering the world and all it threw at it, and always growing and growing and growing. Until one fateful day when the flower discovered it had become the small cottage it had started out merely inhabiting. Vines and tendrils covered the entire structure, and the roots ran far below anchoring the plant to the cliffside overlooking the raging sea. The flower had not thought to move itself before now, had not thought to do anything at the pace of the more mobile organic beings, but there was something about the simple dress on the resilient shoulders of the lover that inspired movement.
Tendrils crept forth as the lover peered out of the very same window from which the plant had once begun its journey. As the lover gazed out at the family assembled nearby, ready to celebrate the sort of late love that only comes to the very deserving, vines wrapped and tightened, and a small seedpod was injected just behind the lover’s left eye. A dark chemical was pumped into the wound, slowly making its way to the brain where it compelled the being to act as though everything was perfectly normal. Within three generations the entire planet was covered in flowers, and the world had become entirely garden.
The EBI Motif is instantly silenced as the Company Motif trill plays again and ends with a harsh buzzer noise.
BETHANY: Come on, Jonas, work time.
JONAS: But I’m nearly done.
BETHANY: Work first, Jonas. The folder eventually, but work first.
A brief silence.
The Credit Theme begins to play.
Credits
LEAH: inc is written, produced, and edited by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe.
ALLYSON: Hi, my name is Allyson Levine and I voice the character of Bethany.
RAIMY: Hello, my name is Raimy O. Washington and I voice the character of Jonas.
(Anybody who has done a character voice will do that vocal pattern when they say the name of the character and it will be edited into that voice as well.
JOE: Hi, I’m Joe Hanson, and this episode I played the Artificial Intelligence.
KATIE: Hello, I’m Katie Ploetz and this episode I played the Communication AI.
CHASE: Hi, I’m Chase Knueven and this episode I played the character of Maria In Accounting.
ELLIS: My name is Ellis MacMillan and I am the Robo-Archivist.
LEAH: And I’m Leah Cardenas. I read the ship announcements as well as the Credits.
Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, that’s @ I-N-C the podcast, all lowercase, all one word, all the time.
As a fledgling show attempting to lift off, we’re not above asking you for a little help in spreading the word. Ratings and reviews on whatever platform you consume content on helps feed the algorithmic beasts that control all our lives from behind the shadows, and if you’re far too unplugged from the system for that, word of mouth has always been a wonderfully organic way to build a community and we'd be delighted to be the latest podcast you tell people to listen to, knowing full well that most of them never will. One must imagine Sisyphus happy, after all.
inc is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.
Happiness is productivity.
Productivity is happiness.