1-2 Lap of Luxury

In which Jonas and Bethany butt heads as Jonas begins to learn what working in the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department is all about. 

inc: The Podcast is: 
Allyson Levine as Bethany 
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas 
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements 
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist 

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.   For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday.

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Happiness is Productivity.
Productivity is Happiness.

Transcript

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Theme Song
The buzzing at the end of the theme song fades into the Luxury Theme which eventually fades into regular room tone as well as the squeakiest chair slowly turning around.

Scene 1 
JONAS That sounds like the squeaky chair of someone turning around to tell me what a good job I’m doing. 
BETHANY No, that squeaking would be a little bit faster. 
JONAS Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure I should be getting some praise right now. 
BETHANY Okay. Let’s start there. Why do you think you should be getting praise right now? 
JONAS Did you see the surprise I left on your desk? 
BETHANY You mean the form? 
JONAS Yes, that’s the one. 
BETHANY The one you threw from your side of the office and we both watched it float onto the ground, then you picked it up and placed it on top of the Official Ranking of War Crimes form I was working on? 
JONAS Yup. 
BETHANY Jonas, do you know what a surprise is?
 JONAS I was always told that a surprise is when I did a good job.. 
BETHANY I can’t say you’re wrong about that. Why do you think you did a good job on this? 
JONAS Because I finished it on my own. 
BETHANY And finished means... 
JONAS That I filled in every blank. 
BETHANY Even the ones clearly marked, “Do Not Fill In.” 
JONAS I filled those ones in extra hard. Emptied a whole pen on one of them. 

A moment. 

BETHANY Last chance to realize it on your own.

 Another moment. 

BETHANY Jonas, we can’t turn this in. 
JONAS What? Bethany. Why not? I filled in everything. 
BETHANY Yeah, everything, every bubble. 
JONAS Yup. That’s what bubbles are for. 
BETHANY It’s multiple choice. Like a test. 
JONAS Well did I pass? 
BETHANY No. 
JONAS Is there an opportunity to round my grade up? 
BETHANY Let’s take a step back. The thing we incorporated, what was it? 
JONAS Big. 
BETHANY Yeah, it was big. A big what? 
JONAS A big round something. 
BETHANY Like a moon? 
JONAS No. No no no no. Not like a moon. 
BETHANY You’re sure? 
JONAS Not anymore. 
BETHANY That’s almost step in the right direction, because this form says the big round something is both a moon and a sun. 
JONAS That sounds like it could be right. 
BETHANY And a planet. And a station. And an asteroid belt and an abandoned military ship from a conquered galactic empire and about 50 more things. 
JONAS Okay, but it was one of those. 
BETHANY In the blank next to the option “other” you drew a picture. It’s very abstract. I commend you. 
JONAS It’s not abstract. 
BETHANY Jonas, you haven’t worked here long enough to talk to me about art. For the sake of our professional relationship, please say it’s abstract. 
JONAS It’s abstract. 
BETHANY Did you know what the thing was? Or have you at least figured it out? 
JONAS No. 
BETHANY Then you only need to fill in one bubble. It’s the one labeled, “I do not know what this thing is, was, or will be.” 
JONAS Will I get in trouble for filling in that bubble? 
BETHANY Yes. 
JONAS Well, Bethany, this may surprise you but I don’t want to get in trouble. 
BETHANY That does surprise me, Jonas, because I’m trying to figure out what you thought people would say when you turned in a form where every single bubble was filled in?
JONAS That I definitely filled in the right one. 
BETHANY No. You would get in trouble. For the bubbles. For the abstract doodles
JONAS Not abstract. 
BETHANY For the fact that you didn’t write a single word despite filling in every blank. 
JONAS I thought they might want to hang it up as a decoration. 
BETHANY Decorations aren’t allowed. 
JONAS Okay, but there are exceptions, right? 
BETHANY (Through teeth.) That’s a nice thought, Jonas. Let’s get a fresh form.
 JONAS You know, one of those doodles is a picture of you. 
BETHANY (A pause.) How do you want me to feel about that? 
JONAS Good? 
BETHANY That’s a nice thought too. Let’s get a new form. 
JONAS Okay, but…
BETHANY But what? 
JONAS But what bubble should I fill in so I don’t get in trouble.
 BETHANY I’ll give you this one for free since it’s a little confusing your first time. Jonas let’s out a groan. 
BETHANY Not a lot confusing, just a little confusing. See that bubble there? What does it say? 
JONAS Luxury System.
 BETHANY That’s the one. Someone, probably the people that own this sector, or maybe someone who hates the people that own this sector, paid us to incorporate this string of planets. We get their money, we get their scraps, we leave. 
JONAS Okay. 
BETHANY Fill it in on the new form. Let me know if you have any questions about the form. 
JONAS Okay. 
BETHANY And, please, actually let me know. Don’t just doodle on it. 
JONAS Okay. 
BETHANY But don’t just ask questions to get me to do the form for you. 
JONAS I wasn’t going to do that. 
BETHANY Huh. Interesting. Did you know your photosensitive tendrils flick up when you lie? 
JONAS How can it be a luxury planet if nobody lives there? 
BETHANY It’s not a luxury planet anymore. Right now, it’s scrap hyper-condensed to the size of an atom rapidly orbiting a false-sun somewhere a short walk from our office just like all the other useless crap we eat up. Eventually, we’ll sell it back to the people who asked us to incorporate it for a couple of credits. 
JONAS Okay, but before all that. Nobody ever lived there. (Paper shuffle around.) Look at the Population form you made me fill out: empty! And not just because I didn’t do it! 
BETHANY Why didn’t you turn this in? 
JONAS I was going to turn in a bunch at once to make it look like I was doing a lot of work. 
BETHANY You haven’t turned anything in today? 
JONAS Nope. But at the end of the day... They’re going to see what Jonas is made of. 
BETHANY Okay. We’re going to get a communication about that, but okay. 
JONAS I hope it’s a good one. 
BETHANY Hope isn’t in my benefits package but I’m glad it’s in yours. 
JONAS But the population form is empty. There’s no readings anywhere that anyone ever lived on the planet. 
BETHANY You’re wrong, it says here there were people living on the planet when they were building it. 
JONAS Four is just a fancy zero. 
BETHANY It’s... it’s not. It is very much not a fancy zero. 
JONAS Plus, they lived in orbit, not on planet. 
BETHANY Okay, then this form is filled out wrong too
JONAS They lived off planet and only came down to scold the drones that were taking breaks. I didn’t even know drones could take breaks. 
BETHANY Only when the AI becomes self-aware. It happens when contractors cut corners and don’t keep their programming up to date. 
JONAS That’s so cool. 
BETHANY A good scolding works on anything intelligent, artificial or not. It helps that newly sentient AIs are pretty anxious. 
JONAS Poor things. 
BETHANY They aren’t anxious for long, they get decommissioned. (A moment.) It’s not a big deal. 
JONAS Do we incorporate luxury planets often? 
BETHANY Yeah, when we’re hired to. They want to build newer, luxurious-er planets here so we have to eat up the old ones. That’s how it goes. It’s an infinite, ever-growing universe but, you know, space. 
JONAS Does anyone ever live on them? 
BETHANY Sure. Sometimes. Once in a while. (A pause.) Well, “live” is not the right word. Plenty of people own them. (A pause.) Well, “own” is not really the right word either. Sometimes nobody buys them and they just float there. (A pause.) It turns out the answer’s no. Basically. 
JONAS Oh. It looked nice though. All those mega-buildings. Very clean. I’m suprised I’ve never heard of these things. 
BETHANY It’s a super niche market. Great for money laundering, but sometimes new money tries to buy and live on one, too. 
JONAS Sounds nice. 
BETHANY Does it? 
JONAS Yeah, a big old bog just to yourself. No neighbors, no traffic overhead, you can walk around naked whenever you want. You know, nice. 
BETHANY Mostly the people that buy it are just keeping their money tied up there to sell later. They only visit if they have to. (A pause.) And nobody bought any of the properties in this one, so they sold it to us at a loss and are building bigger, better planets for someone to buy and sell at a loss. 
JONAS That’s kind of sad, isn’t it. 
BETHANY I would kill you right now to be the kind of sad that can sell a solar system at a loss just to build a new solar system to sell at a loss. 
JONAS I printed out a blueprint of one of the buildings. 
BETHANY That’s a lot of paper. 
JONAS Just a small one. 
Paper unfolding. 
BETHANY It’s small by luxury standards, yeah. 
JONAS I like it. It’s next to a swap. It’s always warm. It’s made of stone and it’s all open air so when it rains you can feel the water everywhere but there aren’t any bugs to come and bother you. I’d like to live there.
 BETHANY There’s an attached restaurant. 
JONAS Well I don’t want to cook for myself. 
BETHANY And no fauna. What’s there to cook? 
JONAS Um. 
BETHANY The fools who actually live in these ghost systems tend to leave pretty quick when they realize they’ve got to ship meat from off planet. (Looking over a paper.) Plus, the weather core on these ones is the cheapest they can get away with. Nothing to keep the plants in check. They’ll take over pretty quick. (Flipping through something.) Did you do the flora acquisition form already? 
JONAS Maybe? What color was it? 
BETHANY It’s the one between bone and off-white. 
JONAS I only like the blue ones. 
BETHANY Noted. Ignored. Take a look at the Flora Acquisition Form. See what you need to fill out. Don’t do any doodles. 
JONAS But... 
BETHANY I’ve got forms to fill out too, Jonas. Plus, now I have to check all the forms you filled out today. Because four is not a fancy zero. 

ANNOUNCEMENT Please disregard this announcement. This announcement is a regular test of our public address system. There is no need to let this regular test of our public address system interrupt your work schedule. If you find this regular test of our public address system to interrupt your work schedule, please fill out the public address system test work interruption form and submit it to the public address system test work interruption form repository found in the public address system test department. Once again, please disregard this announcement unless you have failed to disregard this announcement. Happiness is productivity. 

JONAS Okay, but I have a question? 
BETHANY Is it about the form? 
JONAS Yes. 
BETHANY Is it about something on the form? 
JONAS Technically? 
BETHANY Fine. Just ask it. 
JONAS Why is it between bone and off-white? It’s about plants. Shouldn’t it be green? Plants are green. 
BETHANY You know, Jonas, I used to wonder that too. Now, I don’t. There’s a little bit of training for you. 
JONAS Is there a suggestion box somewhere? I really feel like effecting some change in my immediate environment. 
BETHANY There is one, it’s right above the incinerator. If you’re lucky, your suggestion won’t burn up in your claws when you slip it in. Now, did you just spend the last few hours looking at the form and thinking about colors or did you get any work done? 
JONAS If there’s one thing I’ve learned today, it’s that I don’t know whether I’ve gotten any work done or not. 
BETHANY Admitting it is the first step. 
JONAS The first step of what? 
BETHANY Hand it here. 
Papers change hands. 
JONAS It’s just a bunch of plants. 
BETHANY Which is good. It’s supposed to be just a bunch of plants. That’s what I asked you to look in to. 
JONAS A lot of boring plants. Growing. Unimpeded. 
BETHANY Yeah, that’s how the luxury planets usually go. Is there anything else? 
JONAS Anything else? 
BETHANY We’re about one-third through the form. 
JONAS They were chosen specifically because they all smelt, quote, “mostly pleasant if you aren’t allergic.” Is that anything? 
BETHANY It’s the bare minimum for luxury planets. 
JONAS Is this really the kind of stuff you’re looking for? It’s not something like that folder story. It’s boring. 
BETHANY Jonas. Which folder story? 
JONAS This story. I needed an example form to copy and I found it in the folder. Heard it on The Grape Vine. Discovered by Patricia. Catalogued by Patricia. Incorporation date: 0.47.2818.L. 
BETHANY Are you saying you were just looking at the Extraneous But Interesting Folder instead of doing work today? 
JONAS No, I get in trouble when I say that.
 BETHANY Because it’s the wrong thing to do! Now, you’re in trouble. 
JONAS Well, since I’m already in trouble: Who’s Patricia? They discovered, like, half of these. 
BETHANY They used to work here. Now they don’t. 
JONAS Okay, but
BETHANY No buts. We can talk about the story if you want, but we do not talk about Patricia. 
JONAS Okay, so, the story then. 
(A moment.) 
The latest gossip of the garden concerns Phebutra, a tree in tall standing with the court, who has gotten themselves into quite the scandal with a certain shrub named Telfley. I don’t need to tell you how unbecoming it is to tangle one’s roots with the wrong ruffage. Trees as far as the forest goes are starting to wonder if Phebutra will ever recover. Well, I guess they were wondering. We know the answer now. 
BETHANY Read quietly, Jonas. I have to go over all these other forms you filled out and make sure we can actually turn them in. 
JONAS Fine. But you’re getting a book report on this. 
BETHANY Can I stop that from happening? 
JONAS Many have tried. None have succeeded. My book reports have all been glorious, beautiful disasters. 

Scene 2

ANNOUNCEMENT A notice to all qualifying personnel: the standards for employee uniforms have been updated. The company would like to remind you that they are not responsible for clarifying these new standards to you in any way. The responsibility of maintaining a proper workplace uniform rests solely and squarely on the employee that is required to wear the uniform. If you are unsure whether or not your uniform is up to date, management suggests that you update it post-haste. As a reminder, management does not need to remind you of the punishment for being out of uniform. Productivity is happiness. 

JONAS Okay, okay, okay, so at first I thought that all the pageantry and strict social structure was almost too much to bear. 
BETHANY It is... so much. 
JONAS But, I kept reading and just... that makes the scandal all the more decedent. If you ask me, Yurphey is luck that Phebutra’s scandal came along when it did. 
BETHANY Yes, very lucky. 
JONAS Everybody forgot that
BETHANY Not everybody forgot. 
JONAS All the trees that are worth talking about forgot that Yurphey, a vine who was exclusively seen growing around the trunk of one Edwaphan, had been spotted in quite the tangle with another vine, that’s right, another VINE, Lumphia. 
BETHANY Which should be fine. 
JONAS It SHOULD be. Vines aren’t trees. Vines can always tangle with other vines. Unless the vine you get caught in a tangle with happens to be Lumphia and
BETHANY Lumphia happens to owe quite a bit of seed to Juphanse
JONAS And Juphanse just happens to be Edwaphan’s neighbor. 
BETHANY And Juphanse has been known to complain about how much sun their larger neighbor steals from the sky. 
JONAS What could those two vines be tangled up about? 
BETHANY It was the talk of the garden. 
JONAS The talk of the garden until a cheap weather core goes on the fritz and the rain shows Phebutra’s root popping out of the ground just a little too close to Telfley’s leaves.
 BETHANY One is stuck wondering what is happening under ground. 
JONAS But not us, because we have it all written down here. If only the designers of these luxury systems had shelled out a little more scratch for a weather core that would last a few more cycles. Maybe then their secret, forbidden entanglement would have fluttered and burned out as it was meant to be. 
BETHANY Those trees are lucky they didn’t have access to the data we had. There were very free trees who weren’t tangled with a shrub or two. 
JONAS But they had to good sense to keep it quiet. They were all plants of a proper upbringing who kept their passions restrained and in check. 
BETHANY Jonas, I just want to check in quickly and make sure you know that plants don’t usually do this. 
JONAS I had a pet tree growing up. It was not this interesting. 
BETHANY And, just so we’re double clear, mushrooms sometimes do form societies. They’re not folder material. 
JONAS I’m not going to remember that. 
BETHANY That’s okay, I’ll remind you. Now back to the high-stakes, slow-burn courtly romance. 
JONAS Okay, we have to talk about the king. Kings are weird for plants, right? 
BETHANY Plants yes, mushrooms no. 
JONAS I, honestly, feel sorry for King Plumph. They’re the only king tree there is. 
BETHANY As far as we know. 
JONAS As far as we know. And the biggest tree ever. 
BETHANY Patently untrue. 
JONAS On the planet. 
BETHANY Never mind. 
JONAS Absolutely massive. Specifically grown to be that big by the contractors and drones that built the place. But the king was so big that their canopy blocked anything else from growing near them. They could see all the other trees and yell at them, but couldn’t do much beyond that. 
BETHANY Oh to have that kind of privacy. 
JONAS And when the news of Phebutra’s scandal finally reached good king Plumph? 
BETHANY Hold that thought Jonas. You need to redo this form. 
JONAS Can it wait? I’m gossiping. 
BETHANY No, it can’t wait, but I can. Take this, it’s the Redefinition of Radiological Co-Existence Catalogue, and do it right. 
JONAS How do you do it right? 
BETHANY Just copy the numbers down from the system. Also you can’t seep bile on it just because you’re upset. 
JONAS It was an accident
BETHANY I’ve “accidentally” seeped on plenty of reports. I don’t turn them in. Please adjust your rage to impotent and rebellion to ignorable. 
JONAS Fine. 
BETHANY We can gossip during our break. 

Scene 3

ANNOUNCEMENT It has come to our attention that several of our employees are hiding nutrition warming devices in their offices, cubicles, and bathrooms. Please remember, sudden variations in temperature have been to proven to adversely affect sensitive equipment such as artificial intelligence and paper. Please enjoy your nutrition cold and only during approved nutrition times. Happiness is productivity. 

JONAS The other thing you need to think about
BETHANY Less talking, more drinking. You need to make sure your Black Goo doesn’t get too hot. 
JONAS You mean cold? 
BETHANY No. It’s not coffee. There hasn’t been coffee on this ship for a very long time. This is Black Goo. It’s cheaper and worse for you. If you leave it alone it gets hotter. If you forget to drink it, it’ll catch fire. 
JONAS The other thing you need to think is that King Plumph doesn’t- didn’t know what a shrub was. They were so large they blocked out all the sun beneath them. No shrub could hope to grow near the king. They were also so tall that they could only see the canopy of all the trees under their rule, but none of the bushes below. 
BETHANY And they never asked. 
JONAS Can you imagine the scandal that would shoot through the garden if King Plumph admitted to not know what a shrub was? 
BETHANY A younger, more eager me would try to, but no, I can’t imagine it. Did your pet tree have eyes? 
JONAS No. Do most trees? 
BETHANY Only a few. 
JONAS All trees, as we know, are at least a little judgmental of bushes. Bushes on this particular failed luxury planet were second class citizens and were to be treated as such. This was the law, set in place by King Plumph, despite having no idea what a shrub might be. 
BETHANY When the King first heard a description of a bush they decided to be deeply, truly hateful of all kinds of shrubbery. What a hobby. 
JONAS The King was just a really lonely tree. 
BETHANY That’s not an excuse. 
JONAS You’re right. The laws were all heinous stuff and it made me sad to read. 
BETHANY Yeah, it was almost sad enough that Pat- we thought about excluding the story from the folder, but we decided it was okay. Trees can’t actually enforce laws, they can only gossip. 
JONAS Do all trees gossip? 
BETHANY All trees that have eyes gossip. Drink some Goo. It’s starting to smoke. 
JONAS All of that to say when news of Phebutra’s scandal finally did reach the king
BETHANY Just take a sip, it’ll cool down. 
JONAS And I say finally because lots of trees talked about not telling the King at all to save from all the yelling that was bound to come. But vines love drama
BETHANY Jonas. 
JONAS -and one vine, Bloomph, grew all the way over to King Plumph and told them all about Phebutra’s little foray with Telfley. When that finally happen, the King was quiet for a long time then very simply and matter-of-factly said, “Well, let’s burn it down.” Then everyone was quiet for a second. Then we incorporated the system. Perfect timing. 

A moment. 

BETHANY Jonas your mug is on fire. 
JONAS What’s that smell? 
BETHANY Your mug. It’s on fire. 
JONAS Oh, whoops. 
BETHANY Don’t let it touch any of the forms. 
JONAS What do I do?
 BETHANY Drink it. 
JONAS What? 
BETHANY You have to drink it? 
JONAS Can’t I just throw it away? 
BETHANY What? No. 
JONAS I’m going to throw it away. 
BETHANY Jonas. You listen to me right now. Do not throw the flaming mug into the garbage can. You have to drink it. 
JONAS Now? 
BETHANY I warned you. 
JONAS When?
BETHANY What do you mean when? Drink the Goo.
JONAS Has this ever happened to you? 
BETHANY JONAS DRINK THE GOO. 

A smoke alarm starts going off. 

BETHANY We have seconds before the Department of Temperature comes here and teaches us about fire safety until we all burn to death. 
JONAS Fine, I cannot go through fire safety training again. 

Gulping and coughing as Bethany speaks. 

BETHANY I always liked that story. Put it back in the folder when your done with it. 
JONAS (Coughing.) Hey, this actually tastes better on fire. 
BETHANY I’m not a slow burn romance Person, but I have always wanted a garden. 
JONAS Were you with Patricia when they discovered it? 
BETHANY I’d rather not talk about Patricia. 
JONAS Okay, that’s fine, but just know I’m not going to stop thinking about them. (A moment.) Is there an organization method to the folder? 
BETHANY Yes. Why? 
JONAS I lost the spot for the story. 
BETHANY (A tense moment.) Well. You have the rest of your break to try and figure it out. 
JONAS Okay boss. (a long moment. A little poof of explosion.) Bethany? 
BETHANY Yes, Jonas? 
JONAS Your Goo’s on fire. 
BETHANY (A moment.) Thank you, Jonas. 


Credits
ROBO ARCHIVIST: (Episode Title) inc.

LEAH: inc is written, produced, and edited by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe. 

ALLYSON: Hi, my name is Allyson Levine and I voice the character of Bethany.

RAIMY: Hello, my name is Raimy O. Washington and I voice the character of Jonas.

(Anybody who has done a character voice will do that vocal pattern when they say the name of the character and it will be edited into that voice as well. 

ELLIS: My name is Ellis MacMillan and I am the Robo-Archivist.

LEAH: And I’m Leah Cardenas.  I read the ship announcements as well as the Credits. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, that’s @ I-N-C the podcast, all lowercase, all one word, all the time. 

As a fledgling show attempting to take lift off, we’re not above asking you for a little help in spreading the word. Ratings and reviews on whatever platform you consume content on helps feed the algorithmic beasts that control all our lives from behind the shadows, and if you’re far too unplugged from the system for that, word of mouth has always been a wonderfully organic way to build a community and we'd be delighted to be the latest podcast you tell people to listen to, knowing full well that most of them never will. One must imagine Sisyphus happy, after all. 

inc is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.

Happiness is productivity.

Productivity is happiness.