1-4 The Caregiver

In which Jonas believes that their ship may have incorporated God, and Bethany is less convinced. 

inc: The Podcast is:
Allyson Levine as Bethany
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.   For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday.

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.
Productivity is Happiness.

Transcript

Theme Song
The Caregiver Motif plays, eventually fading into the drones and beeps of regular work tone, only with a strange, person-like, humming in the background of all of it. This humming will fade away so as to not be distracting, but can return when humor dictates. 
Scene 1
BETHANY Jonas, Please stop humming. 

JONAS I’m not humming. 

BETHANY I don’t have time for this.  I didn’t sleep last night, I’ve been sick for 5 shifts in a row now because of what you brought back from your trip to medical, and plus on top of all that - I’m in the middle of getting a name approved for a new, unnamed, unstable, and exceptionally rare material here. Whatever this humming is for, can it wait? 

JONAS I’m not humming, but I have kind of been waiting for you to notice something. 

BETHANY Then you can keep waiting. 

JONAS Maybe waiting a little too long... 

BETHANY Because whatever it is you need will have to wait until the administrator that insists they are a scientist can get their feathers on a sample of this material that might be incredibly deadly. And then they have to tell me to rename this material after them. And then I have to rename it after them, because handling the definitely radioactive, possibly hungry, material will eventually kill them. Then, for as long as our society stands, this rare and valuable resource will be named, in memoriam, Dr. Davium. And I, someday, when I’m finally lucky enough to die, will die with the knowledge that Dr. Dave is not a doctor. 

JONAS Speaking of radiation... 

BETHANY Jonas, what do you mean, “speaking of radiation?” 

JONAS So have you ever, just for fun, bought, just because you could, a souvenir? 

BETHANY Jonas, read the room, we have the same job, it’s not like we get vacation days. 

JONAS You don’t have to be on vacation to buy a souvenir. It can just be a moment that you want to remember, like... 

BETHANY Like? 

JONAS Like... the lunch server finally remembered the color you like your protein slurry so you go to your friend who everyone calls, “Dangerous Anna,” to buy one of their necklaces. 

BETHANY Did you buy something from Dangerous Anna? 

JONAS Allegedly. 

BETHANY What does allegedly mean? 

JONAS I don’t know. What do you think allegedly means? 

BETHANY I’m more concerned about the alleged necklace that is also allegedly humming. 

JONAS This necklace is allegedly radioactive. 

BETHANY Then why are you wearing it? 

JONAS I mean... look at it. I look good. 

BETHANY It’s glowing. 

JONAS Yeah, like my personality. 

BETHANY You need to get rid of it. 

JONAS Yeah, probably. 

BETHANY Did you know it was radioactive when you bought it? 

JONAS Allegedly. 

BETHANY Did you submit your Radiation Damages Pre-Form? 

JONAS …….Guess. 

BETHANY Because we can’t submit the Notice for Workplace Radiation Damage Form unless one of us, not me, submits the Radiation Damages Pre-Form to the Department for the Health and Wellbeing of All Lowly Employees and Designated Contractors unless one of us, again, not me, don’t look at me like that, has already submitted the Pre-Form. 

JONAS Did you guess that I didn’t do it? 

BETHANY And, if, for some reason, our Notice isn’t approved within 14 days of our initial radiation exposure, we can’t apply for the Long Term Radiation Sickness and Damage Compensation Program. 

JONAS Is that a good program? 

BETHANY ……Guess. Our day-to-day job doesn’t change much but the Department of Organic Reclamations will monitor our bodies as they go through decades long radiation sickness. In exchange, we are allowed muffins. 

JONAS Are we not allowed muffins now? 

BETHANY (Thinking about this.) Muffins are not strictly prohibited. They are just rare. 

ANNOUNCEMENT Attention all still-breathing personnel. The rogue Artificial Intelligence colloquially known as The Mad Baker’s Dozen that was recently incorporated by us has been, quote, “contained and quarantined.” End quote. We have been told to warn you, however, that the machine is still fully operational. As you should be aware, The Mad Baker’s Dozen ran rampant through its solar system snuffing out all life not directly necessary for the creation of, quote, “the perfect muffins.” End quote. 

BETHANY (Quietly.) How do they always know when I’m talking about muffins? 

ANNOUNCEMENT As a direct result of this incorporation, all employees capable of consumption are now required to eat a minimum of three perfect muffins every day. Starting tomorrow, your daily muffin quota will be available for pickup from meal processing halls A-113, B-22, and D-8. If you are unsure where your muffins will be located, or unsure of the location of any of these Meal Processing Halls, please submit yourself for an immediate, quote, “talking to,” end quote. Failure to consume your quota of muffins will result in a semi-permit demerit and additional muffin consumption duties. No additional breaktime will be made available for muffin consumption. Muffins must be consumed during approved times. The muffins are, we are told, good. 

JONAS So now that everybody gets muffins, what do the radioactive People get? 

ANNOUNCEMENT Employees participating in the Long Term Radiation Sickness and Damage Compensation Program can expect to be assigned five muffins per shift. Happiness is productivity. 

BETHANY Jonas, do not learn any lessons from what I’m about to tell you. 

JONAS I never do. 

BETHANY Thank you for not submitting that form. 

JONAS So how do I get rid of this necklace? 

BETHANY Just try to sell it to someone new. 

A moment. 

JONAS Hey, Bethany…

BETHANY Not me, Jonas. 

JONAS Fine. Also, we incorporated God. 

BETHANY Oh, Jonas, I didn’t know you were religious. 

JONAS I’m not. And it would probably be a bad time to be religious. Since we incorporated God. 

BETHANY Did you get the necklace because you think we incorporated God? 

JONAS What? No. Also, what do you mean, “think?” 

BETHANY I mean that I went through this too when I just started sifting through the mountains of data. Most planets don’t have a “God” because most planets don’t have any sentient life at all. So the first time you see a planet with a big religion and a capital “G” God it can feel like a pretty big deal. It isn’t. You’ll find another one in a few shifts and another dozen after that. There used to be a form about it but it made the folks Planetside too sad so we can’t fill it out anymore. A lot of the early entries in the EBI were me thinking each God was a big deal when, at the scale of data that we work with, it was just data. 

JONAS Okay, you feel that way now, and I agree. I added, like, four or five religions to the folder before I figured it out. 

BETHANY Jonas. You are not ranked high enough in this department to add things to the folder. 

JONAS Don’t worry, I already got rid of them. 

BETHANY You are also not ranked high enough to remove things from the EBI folder. 

JONAS I can... put them back? 

BETHANY No. Also, why are we talking about this instead of getting rid of your necklace? 

JONAS Because we incorporated God. 

BETHANY Okay. 

JONAS How does that make you feel? 

BETHANY It doesn’t.

JONAS Really? I thought you’d be religious. 

BETHANY Jonas, I can’t begin to think about why you would believe that or I’ll spiral. 

JONAS So why don’t you “feel” about it? 

BETHANY I don’t “feel” about it because I don’t believe you. 

JONAS Prepare to request seasonings because you will eat those words. 

BETHANY Every fourth level planet has two or three people claiming to be Gods wandering it. The stories are always the same. 

JONAS Not always. 

BETHANY How is this one different? 

JONAS Because this one has a person there that created all the life on the planet. 

BETHANY One person? 

JONAS Yes. 

BETHANY Made everything? 

JONAS Everything that’s alive.

BETHANY And was this part of a marketing stunt, because that doesn’t count anymore. 

JONAS I don’t think so? 

BETHANY Fine. That technically meets the company’s definition of a deific being. 

JONAS They did pretty well, they made two or three sentient species. Better than I’ve ever done. 

BETHANY I have to ask because it was on the old form, were they robots? 

JONAS What? Why would they be robots? 

BETHANY Because, Jonas, I don’t believe you. Right now I’m hearing about this great and powerful God who didn’t do any marketing and made a few sentient species. 

JONAS I don’t think they were robots. 

BETHANY Check again. 

JONAS Do I have to? I already turned the form in. 

BETHANY It shouldn’t take long if you’re making the copy forms like I asked you to make.
 
(A long pause.) 

BETHANY You’re making the copy forms like I asked you to make, right Jonas? 

JONAS Hypothetically I have made copy forms yes. 

BETHANY Then this should be easy.

Another pause. 

JONAS Aren’t you gonna turn around and not pay attention to me for a while? 

BETHANY No. 

JONAS Oh, did you see that? 

BETHANY No. 

JONAS You didn’t see that person walk past the space where our door should be? 

BETHANY No. 

JONAS So you didn’t see that they look like the exact type to buy a necklace from me? 

BETHANY No. 

JONAS I should go sell them a necklace. 

BETHANY Good luck, Jonas. 

ANNOUNCEMENT Just as a reminder, we should not have to remind you not to stick any part of your body into a mysterious hole. For starters, there are no mysterious holes on the ship. Every crack, crevasse, and hole is there, has always been there, and will always be there. Each and every one has been painstakingly documented. This documentation was, of course, a redundancy effort, since all these holes had been planned from the start. However, if a hole is mysterious TO YOU, do not stick any part of your body into it for any reason. Disciplinarians on the ship have been instructed, “the holes deal their own punishments.” Productivity is happiness.

 Scene 2

BETHANY Oh, Jonas, you’re back. And I was so worried that you wouldn’t come back, but here you are, standing in our empty door frame, dripping sweat that one of us, probably me, will have to mop up. 

JONAS (Out of breath.) Glad to be back. 

BETHANY And you brought the form you had a copy of. 

JONAS Oh, you know, since I was out... 

BETHANY How’d the sale go? 

JONAS Hmm? 

BETHANY The sale. 

JONAS Oh, it went great. I was very charming.

BETHANY I can tell. Since you’re still wearing the necklace. 

JONAS Oh, that sale. No, that sale didn’t go well. 

BETHANY Remind me, what was the other sale? 

JONAS Anyway, this form says that the Caregiver lived on the planet with three species of organic, sentient life, and also numerous lower flora and fauna. 

BETHANY Oh, it’s the Caregiver now? 

JONAS They were kind of like a parent to the planet, so yeah, Caregiver. 

BETHANY So this Caregiver lived on a planet with all their organic little children, farming and ranching and engaging in acts of colonialism. 

JONAS Two were agricultural, one was decidedly not. 

BETHANY There’s always one. And no AIs or anything like that? 

JONAS No, I don’t think there were any AIs but I also don’t want to have to run and make another sale to prove it. 

BETHANY Right. Another “sale.” Where did this Caregiver come from? 

JONAS Off planet. They just landed there one day. 

BETHANY And started forming the clay like the old stories on all the planets? 

JONAS No. There wasn’t any clay. 

BETHANY Oh, so they made three sentient species with nothing? 

JONAS I mean, their ship had a lab in it. 

BETHANY Good, that’s a start.

JONAS Did you know it was just a bunch of magma and rocks before they got there? Nothing but liquid fire and solid... soon to be... fire. I’m still learning about the different kinds of fire. There’s so much fire in the universe and we can’t use it for anything. 

BETHANY I’ll put it on the training schedule next to all the other things we’ll never get to because you keep forgetting to make copies of your forms. 

JONAS What would you do if you could design an entire planet, just for yourself? 

BETHANY I would live there alone and anybody that wanted to visit me would have to fill out a form, send it to me, and get it approved. I would never approve a single form. 

JONAS What about plants? 

BETHANY You’ll never get me to think about it that much, don’t even try. 

JONAS The Caregiver started with plants. The first thing they made, they called it the “green layer,” was just a thin green sheet of plant matter that would cover the entire, magma speckled, surface. 

BETHANY That sounds like a bad idea. 

JONAS It all died. All of it. 

BETHANY Because of the magma? 

JONAS Yeah. You know, you know more about kinds of fire than you let on. 

BETHANY I think the Caregiver and Dr. Dave would get along great. 

JONAS Lots of learning happened with the green layer. 

BETHANY I would have just made due with the magma at that point. 

JONAS Yeah, you would have. But they weren’t content with it. They had passion. Drive. They put a little bit of themself into everything they made. 

BETHANY A true artist. 

JONAS Yes, but literally instead of a metaphor. They used their own body, the strings of their genetic code, to create the green layer. An unintended consequence of this was that the green layer was a physical, but not connected, part of their body. So when the green layer died... 

BETHANY So did they. 

JONAS Only a piece of them. Like, exfoliating when you wash yourself or having a limb amputated because you really want to fit in with all the cool people sticking their limbs into mysterious holes. 

BETHANY Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to ask questions about mysterious holes anymore, so I have to ignore that. Can I see the file? 

JONAS Sure. 

A moment while papers rustle. 

BETHANY Have you been studying how to read these charts like I told you to? 

JONAS I am currently teaching myself about charts in general. I don’t know if I’ve gotten to that one yet or not. 

BETHANY This is a pain chart. 

JONAS Oh, of course. I knew that. 

BETHANY You didn’t. 

JONAS Right. What does any of this mean? 

BETHANY Basically, it means, “oof.” 

JONAS Is that... a lot? 

BETHANY It is. Here you go. 

(The papers change hands.)

BETHANY Nope. Turn it over. There you go. As you were. 

JONAS So this person, the Caregiver, kept making stuff. More plants, better plants, plants that didn’t need a lot of starlight and didn’t need a lot of not-magma around. The plants made air. The Caregiver made more kinds of plants while the old ones died out. The new plants made more air and more air meant more rain. The rain and air broke down the dead plants into soil and cooled the burning magma. Then it was a green and blue orb instead of a red and black one. 

BETHANY And every time one of those plants died off, they felt it? 

JONAS Yeah.

BETHANY Oof. 

JONAS It gets oof-y-er. After the plants came the first animals. Have you heard of the food chain? 

BETHANY Jonas, I taught you about the food chain in your first week here. 

JONAS Animals. Eat. Plants. Bethany.

BETHANY So... stop me if I’m wrong here. What you’re saying is that The Caregiver, who you are claiming is God, ate themself? 

JONAS The answer to that is yes and no. Every time they made a new thing, it went out into the food chain and either ate another thing or it got eaten by another thing or it maimed itself on accident. The Caregiver was just trying to keep their latest creation alive long enough to grow the planet’s ecology, but the planets whole ecosystem was them. Does this chart say oof too? 

BETHANY That chart says oof, too. 

JONAS That’s all the Caregiver. 

BETHANY What about all the things getting eaten? 

JONAS They don’t feel pain. Just the Caregiver. 

BETHANY I’m getting a lot of Dr. Dave from The Caregiver. So smart, but so dumb. So very, very dumb. 

JONAS The chart goes down after millions of years. 

BETHANY Yeah, after millions of years of self-imposed torture. 

JONAS Okay, so it was a rocky start but then the Caregiver figured out how to put less and less of themself into their creations. The new creatures felt more and more of their own pain. Less of the animals accidentally maimed themselves, things were looking up. 

BETHANY But where do the sentient species come from? 

JONAS From the Caregiver. 

BETHANY But when? 

JONAS When the Caregiver finally figures out how to make a creation that has none of themself in it. Then, they made the First, whose pain was their own. Just a few of them. Then The Caregiver tells the first of the First to go out into this fresh world. Go out and make more of the First. Go out and enjoy all that I made for you. Go and enjoy the fruits of my labors. And then, since the First were fully independent of the Caregiver, the Caregiver goes back into their spaceship and takes a nap. 

BETHANY So that’s the first species of three. Why make more? Just couldn’t kick the creation bug? 

JONAS The First were all well and good, until about 3 days into existence, they started to hunt and kill all the earlier creations of the Caregiver. And that hurts in a way that nothing hurt before. 

BETHANY Flip the page over for me. 

(A page flips.) 

BETHANY Oh yeah, See that chart? That’s an emotional pain chart. Take a look at it. That pattern indicates betrayal with a tinge of conflict and a dash of tiredness. Mostly betrayal though. 

JONAS Imagine being betrayed by someone that close to you. 

BETHANY I bet that would mess you up for a long time. 

JONAS It would ruin somebody like me, but luckily, I have this story right here to tell me exactly what not to do: make a species of sentient killing machines to hunt down those that betrayed me. Enter, the Second: with their thick shells and dozens of whirling mouths. The Second were hungry, and would never be satisfied with anything they ate. They were built with the instinct that their next meal would finally be the one that would satisfy them. And then the war started. 

BETHANY Great. The First and the Second are too busy killing each other to hurt the Caregiver any more. 

JONAS That’s where you’re wrong, because the Caregiver was so betrayed while making the Second, that they didn’t want to keep themself out of their new children.They wanted to make sure the Second would never feel any pain while they waged war on the First. But, every time one of the Second fell, the Caregiver was hurt. Every time one of the First fed themself, the Caregiver was hurt. Every time one of the Second got too hungry and ate something besides the First, the Caregiver got hurt. It was all hurt. 

BETHANY So enter the Third. 

JONAS So enter the Third.

 JONAS Oh. We’re melding. Two great minds finally coming together to–

BETHANY If that ever happens again, I am going to, word by word, forget language so it can never happen a third time. 

JONAS Speaking of the Third, they were just a small handful of long-lived farmers, creators like a fraction of the Caregiver themself. They were made with all the parts of the Caregiver that felt the Second’s pain. None of the other creations, just those that were made to hunt the First. The Caregiver flew their ship out to the sea and made it into an island. The Caregiver and the Third lived there, tending to their gardens, and sharing the pain of a world none of them would ever see again. 

BETHANY Okay, let’s look at the chart again. 

(A page flips.) 

BETHANY And they weren’t even happy about it. 

Fade out.
Scene 3

JONAS So, knowing all that, would you still want your own planet? 

BETHANY I don’t know how to make plants from nothing so I think I’m safe. 

JONAS Also, check out this picture of the Second. 

BETHANY Oh, the Caregiver was unhinged. 

JONAS Absolutely out of their mind. 

BETHANY Wow. Put that away. I don’t want to look at it any more. 

A moment. Humming. Sizzling. Bubbling.

JONAS Did it get really itchy in here all of the sudden? 

BETHANY Your necklace is starting to melt through your outer layer of skin.

JONAS Huh. Would you look at that? 

BETHANY I can’t look away. You should take it off. 

Some effort noises from Jonas. 

JONAS It appears that it has melted into my outer layer of skin and combined with it. 

BETHANY They make a powder for that. 

JONAS Yeah... 

BETHANY Please stop picking at it. 

JONAS But it itches. 

BETHANY Well now your mandible is going to itch too. 

JONAS So? I’ll scratch it with the other mandible, that’s why we have more than one mandible…

BETHANY That’s not a permanent solution. 

JONAS That’s easy for you to say. You don’t itch. 

BETHANY Because I don’t buy radioactive necklaces from people who have “Dangerous” in their name. 

JONAS Come on. You can’t say you’re not a little bit tempted by the necklace.

BETHANY I’m not.

JONAS Whatever. It’s a part of me forever now. You can’t have it. 

BETHANY Just... don’t come too close until your outer layer grows over it again. 

JONAS No guarantees. I’m a hugger. 

BETHANY We talked about how violent I’d get if you ever hugged me again. 

A moment. 

JONAS So? 

BETHANY So what? 

JONAS Did I make it? 

BETHANY Back to the infirmary? Not yet, but either that necklace or me will put you there again depending on how touchy you get. 

JONAS No. 

(A pause.) 

JONAS To the folder. 

BETHANY The EBI? 

JONAS Yeah.

BETHANY Was it extraneous? 

JONAS Yes. 

BETHANY Was it interesting? 

JONAS Yes. 

BETHANY Are you going to use this moment as permission to keep adding things to the folder every time you find something you think is just a little bit interesting or extraneous without asking me first? 

JONAS I feel like the answer is no? 

BETHANY Fine. Maybe the illness is making me soft, but you can add this one. Talk to me before you add anything else, though. 

JONAS Bethany, you could not stop me from telling you about anything I find a little bit interesting if you tried. 

(A small sizzling noise.)

JONAS Ah, it appears that the necklace has found one of my bones. I’m going to pass out now. Can you take me to the infirmary? 

BETHANY What? Jonas! 

A thud. 

BETHANY The answer was going to be no! 

CREDITS

LEAH: inc is written, produced, and edited by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe. 

ALLYSON: Hi, my name is Allyson Levine and I voice the character of Bethany.

RAIMY: Hello, my name is Raimy O. Washington and I voice the character of Jonas.

(Anybody who has done a character voice will do that vocal pattern when they say the name of the character and it will be edited into that voice as well. )

ELLIS: My name is Ellis MacMillan and I am the Robo-Archivist.

LEAH: And I’m Leah Cardenas.  I read the ship announcements as well as the Credits. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for quick and easy links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, that’s @ I-N-C the podcast, all lowercase, all one word, all the time. 

As a fledgling show attempting to take lift off, we’re not above asking you for a little help in spreading the word. Ratings and reviews on whatever platform you consume content on helps feed the algorithmic beasts that control all our lives from behind the shadows, and if you’re far too unplugged from the system for that, word of mouth has always been a wonderfully organic way to build a community and we'd be delighted to be the latest podcast you tell people to listen to, knowing full well that most of them never will. One must imagine Sisyphus happy, after all. 

inc is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.

Happiness is productivity.

Productivity is happiness.