1-6 The Love Equation

**This Episode Contains Brief NSFW Language. Listener discretion is advised.**

In which Bethany must do something truly awful - ask Jonas for help.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Love Letter 1
Joe Hanson as Love Letter 8
Katie Ploetz as Love Letter 25

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

Episode 6 - The Love Equation
Intro
Small Intro and/or Content Warning
Theme Song
The Love Equation Motif plays, eventually fading into the drones and beeps of regular work tone. 
Scene 1
JONAS Bethany? (Another pause.) Bethany? Why are you staring at me? (Another pause.) Is it because I did something wrong? (A long pause.) It’s because of how I’m standing, isn’t it? I knew it. The whole bottom half of my body is so sore because I don’t get a chair yet and I thought I could try standing differently so it hurt less and I was practicing in the mirror and I knew it looked weird but I told myself, “Jonas, you listen to me. You do not look weird enough for anyone else to comment on it.” I was wrong. I was so wrong. I’m sorry. (Another pause.) If I sit on the floor will that make this better or worse? 
BETHANY I have to ask you a question that goes against all of my personal and professional sensibilities and I’m trying to think of literally any way that I could get out of it. 
JONAS If it’s about how I’m standing I can just throw myself into space if it makes you feel better. 
BETHANY It’s not about how you’re standing, and you’re not allowed to throw yourself into space without my written permission. 
JONAS Can I keep standing like this? 
BETHANY I... well now that you mention it, the way you're standing does bother me a little bit. 
JONAS I’m going to space. 
BETHANY It’s not that bad, it’s just that you pointed it out to me. 
JONAS Do you think anyone else noticed? 
BETHANY I haven’t seen anyone come into our office in several months. 
JONAS But like... am I giving off an aura? 
BETHANY Oh, yes, for sure. 
JONAS Really? You can pick up on that? 
BETHANY For sure. 
JONAS What color is it? 
BETHANY It’s... it’s... 
JONAS You’re looking around the room. 
BETHANY It’s kind of... grey in a dirty green sort of way. 
JONAS That’s the color of the ceiling. 
BETHANY It is also the color of your aura.
JONAS Are you... using my insecurities to avoid asking me a question that you need answered to get your job done? 
BETHANY Please don’t say it like that, you make me sound like you and I don’t know who’s permission I need to throw myself into space. 
JONAS Have I been the one doing the training all along? 
BETHANY No. No. No. 
JONAS I need to know what this question is. I need to. 
BETHANY Jonas, it’s the kind of question... well it’s the kind of question you would ask me and that makes me uncomfortable. 
JONAS I ask you those kinds of questions all the time. 
BETHANY I know and I don’t want to encourage it. 
JONAS Listen, I’m all for avoiding work, I’m better at it than you, so you don’t have to ask if you don’t want to. 
BETHANY Every word of that makes me feel like I need to shed my skin again. Especially because, somehow, this is a work related question. 
JONAS Oh thank goodness. 
BETHANY Now you want to work?
JONAS I was worried for a second there that I’d never actually get to hear this question and now I know for a fact that no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, you’re going to be compelled to ask me eventually. All I have to do is wait. 
BETHANY Jonas. (A moment.) Jonas, don’t do this. (A moment.) No. You cannot do this to me. I can do this to you but you cannot do this to me. It will not work. I will not let it work. (A moment.) You know the silent treatment is considered an act of terrorism when it’s done by a subordinate to their boss. 
JONAS Are you going to throw me in the brig and then go back to the AI? 
BETHANY Fine. Jonas. Please answer this question as quickly and painlessly as possible. (A deep, deep breath.) Have you ever been in love? 
JONAS Yes. 
BETHANY There, now I never-
JONAS I think the first time I ever fell in love was the first time I ever opened my eyes and saw the world around me, opened my ears and heard the music of everyday life, and opened my heart to all who would pay it a visit. The truth is, and I think about this often, I fall in love a little bit everyday, and that’s the moment I always look forward to the most.
BETHANY I need to shed again. I don’t think I’ve ever shed this much in a single cycle. I’m going to run out of skin. 
JONAS Love gets me out of bed in the morning. 
BETHANY If I could shed in front of you without every bone in my body rattling with embarrassment I would, just so I don’t have to have this skin on me anymore. 
JONAS I’m serious. Also, side note, look at me. Aside from the way I have to stand because of the excruciating pain, I’m a total catch. People fall in love with me literally all the time. It’s the least I could do to return the favor every once in a while. Your turn! Have you ever been in love? 
BETHANY Is that question work related? 
JONAS It’s related to you, which is related to work. 
BETHANY I’m not answering. 
JONAS Has the Bethany who throws everything they have into a job that they hate never been in love? 
BETHANY Here’s your first fun Bethany fact, Jonas, that’s why I’m not answering the question. 
A moment. 
JONAS Wait, really? You’ve never been in love even a little bit?
 BETHANY I have been in hate and hate is the opposite of love so do with that what you will.
JONAS I have literally so many people I’ve been in love with you can borrow one if you want. 
BETHANY Jonas, I’ve collected data from more than a few star systems full of fools. Love is a numbers game. I just don’t know enough people to fall in love. Why are you smiling so much right now? 
JONAS Because I know for a fact you’ve seen my attendance request form for the Speed Dating and Chemical Mixer, where there will be a statistically significant amount of people. 
BETHANY You can go. If you get your work done. 
JONAS And is anyone else I know going?
 BETHANY The ship only puts these on because the company gets a tax write off for every marriage one of their Matrimony Interns officiates. That’s it. Love is not in the air, that’s the chemicals, they have to put chemical mixer in the name for a reason. 
JONAS Bethany, this is my formal invitation to chaperone you to the Speed Dating and Chemical Mixer. 
BETHANY You are not getting me to come to that Mixer. Last time the ship hosted one, I was blackmailed into being the witness to four marriages and therefore forced into being the witness of four anti-marriages as soon as the chemicals wore off. I’m. Not. Going. Plus the new Matrimony Intern is just... the exact type of Person who would become a Matrimony Intern. 
JONAS But you’re guaranteed to fall in love. 
BETHANY It’s temporary.
JONAS All love is temporary. 
BETHANY (A moment.) That is a... That’s a curveball coming from you. 
JONAS Listen, once enough people fall in love with you and then out of love with you when their love for you has completed it’s task, you start to pick up on the pattern of how true love actually works. They see you, you’re pretty and full of life, a few years or usually weeks goes by, now you’re strangers and one of you has to stand funny to mitigate the pain. That’s love. It’s expensive, literally and metaphorically. 
BETHANY That’s love? 
JONAS And I am the love expert. 
BETHANY That sounds awful. 
JONAS But the rush at the beginning when it starts? You wouldn’t believe it. And the rush at the end when more than a few of your things are missing along with some memories? I wouldn’t miss it for the world. You really should try the chemicals. 
BETHANY I would rather take your word for it. Plus, I don’t have enough things to go missing, even if I have a few memories I could part with. 
JONAS Whatever your choice, just know I have been working on forging your signature so the form is filled in no matter what.
 BETHANY I know. You keep asking me for feedback and it keeps getting better despite my efforts and your skills. Go, have fun, just don’t get married. I don’t know how but I know I’ll get roped into bearing witness to another marriage and anti-marriage.
JONAS I do have a plan for that, but it’s not going to happen at the mixer. I need to hang onto that one till a moldy day. 
BETHANY I can only hope that I am finally being sedated that day. 
JONAS Great. (A moment.) Sorry, I just remembered you don’t talk about these things unless you have to. Why are we talking about this again? 
BETHANY Well, expert, I need you to look at these transcriptions. The data says they are either love letters or open threats and I can’t complete the form until we, and I mean you, love expert, figure out which it is. 
JONAS Is this the planet with the two massive, country spanning castles, each with an army poised for a war that would never come? 
BETHANY Yes, the one where both families managed to trick the other into thinking their vast stores of mannequins were a standing army. 
JONAS If memory serves, there were only about a dozen people on that planet. 
BETHANY And? 
JONAS It just doesn’t bode well for your numbers game theory if two of them fell in love. (A moment.) Your silence means I’m right and I’ll take a look at the transcriptions. Are there any love letters in the Extraneous but Interesting folder?
 BETHANY Yeah, someone was collecting them. 
JONAS And that someone is...? 
BETHANY Not. Me. 
JONAS Can I still use them for references? 
BETHANY Honestly, I don’t see why not. 
JONAS Is this... is this what permission feels like? They lied! That was so much easier than forgiveness. 
ANNOUNCEMENT Please note, all managers in charge of teams of three or more have been informed that they are no longer allowed to accept any form of apology. There has been some confusion, so to clarify, if you are in charge of a team of three or more People, you are not allowed to accept any apology from any Person, whether that person is on your team or not. This new rule applies to working and non-working hours. If someone in your family attempts to apologize to you, you still need to fill out the Apology Refusal Form in Triplicate and deliver it to the correct people, who you will be required to apologize to. Productivity is happiness. 
Scene 2
Sappy romantic instrumental music begins to play.

LOVE LETTER #1
Love Letter #1.
To my dream walker,
I am fond of you.
I can’t think of anything to say beyond that. I can’t think of anything to say beyond that 
because every trace thought that dances its way across my dreams is you. It has forced 
me to come to this simple conclusion, I am fond of you.
As the days have been all but blotted out and the stars in the night sky grow darker, I am 
not thinking about the coming cold. I am not thinking of the hunger which will follow the 
cold. I am thinking about what comes after all those dark things. That is when I will see 
you again. I am forced to remember that, simply, I am fond of you.
Perhaps I will finally send this letter to you. If you are reading this, know that there have 
been many quiet nights with the wind pulling at my jacket’s seams where I thought of 
you and wrote letters, burning the many unsent tomes to keep warm. If you are reading 
this, it is the champion in a long lineage of such heroes all chanting in unison the simple 
phrase: I am fond of you.
Until this winter comes to an end,
Your dreamer

JONAS
I don’t understand.

BETHANY
Don’t ask me, you’re the expert.

JONAS
I mean I don’t understand why this is in the folder.

BETHANY
The Dreamer sent it to the Dream Walker. The Dream Walker received it and crossed the 
great winter wastes to return the fondness. They died together, cold but happy, well 
before we ever got to the planet.

JONAS
And this was a legend on the planet?

BETHANY
No, just one of the nicer stories from their ice age.

JONAS
I guess that’s a little interesting.

BETHANY
Is something wrong?


JONAS
It’s good and all, but it’s not... that good. It’s not... I’m just surprised it’s in the folder, 
that’s all.

BETHANY
Someone was collecting them once.

JONAS
Right. “Someone.”

BETHANY
(Changing the subject.)
Did you figure out the new letter or not?

JONAS
Well look at “I am fond of you” It’s so warm. Now look at this new one. It’s not warm. 
The temperature is totally different.

BETHANY
So it’s a threat.

JONAS
Maybe!

BETHANY
Maybe?

JONAS
Maybe.

BETHANY
Jonas the computer already told me, “maybe.” You have to do better than, “maybe.”

JONAS
Oh, I will. After I read more of these letters.

BETHANY
Just don’t get addicted to them or we’ll both regret this. You’ve been getting addicted to 
so many things lately. It’s becoming a really bad habit.


JONAS
Bethany, I will stop finding new addictions as soon as they stop bringing me massive 
amounts of pleasure.

BETHANY
Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t just dump all of these love letters into one of the 
holes cycles ago. Maybe after we’re done with this one form...

JONAS
And just destroy all this knowledge? 

BETHANY
Oh, now you like the letters?

JONAS
I like some of them.

BETHANY
You’ve read one.

JONAS
Yeah, and statistically I’m going to find one I like.

BETHANY
So... what you’re saying... is that love... is a numbers game.

JONAS
No.

BETHANY
Because it sounds like you’re saying love is a numbers game.

JONAS
I’m not saying that.

BETHANY
You’re just saying that because there are so many of these love letters, eventually you 
will find one that you like.

JONAS
It’s different.

BETHANY
Or maybe even one that you... love?

Scene 3
More of the music.

LOVE LETTER #8
Love Letter #8.
To whom it may concern,
We have not met, yet, and yet we have chased after the small signs of each other for 
weeks that have become months. I saw the snapped twigs first, or perhaps you saw an 
errant track I left in the fresh mud. Then you saw the bright lining of my coat as I turned 
at a sudden sound you had made. I have seen the wood shaving you leave behind from 
your whittling resting next to a just-cooled fire. You have pulled the animals I hunt from 
the traps I’ve laid and let them wander free. I see the marks your arrows leave in these 
trees. You see how I rest my weary body in the hot springs. 
I do not know if we speak the same language. I learned mine a long time ago on another 
planet. Maybe you did too. I came here to be alone, to hunt and build and survive off the 
land. I’m good at it. I’m fulfilled by it. I never expected the thrill of being slowly hunted 
by another.
I’ve left this letter instead of the usual signs I leave for you. Let us meet at the hot spring 
you’ve watched me bathe in so many times. I will spend the hour or so before sunset 
there each evening. 
Your prey,
G

JONAS
Now look at the Hunter’s letter and look at the one you gave me today. The Hunter’s 
letter is surrender. They admit they were wrong about some deep seated belief about 
themself. They thought they wanted to be alone, and now they don’t and they’re okay 
with that. The Hunter gives themself up to a complete stranger.

BETHANY
It also assumes a lot about the other Hunter.


JONAS
Oh, definitely, but our Hunter, G, still gives themself up all the same. And in your new 
letter, the writer doesn’t do that at all.

BETHANY
So it’s a threat.

JONAS
The writer of this new letter is utterly confident in themself and the view they take of 
their world.

BETHANY
So a threat.

JONAS
But there’s another thing.

BETHANY
Jonas, this “hunter” letter is the eighth love letter you’ve read out loud to me today and 
you still haven’t found one you actually liked

JONAS
Did the two hunters end up together?

BETHANY
Yes, up until they were incorporated.

JONAS
Did they speak the same language?

BETHANY
No. The other hunter couldn’t read the letter, but just happened to really want a bath one 
day. They made it work though.

JONAS
And they were the only two on the planet.

BETHANY
Yeah. What does this have to do with our new letter?

JONAS
Just saying. Two people. Doesn’t seem like a numbers game.


BETHANY
Jonas is the new letter a threat or not?

JONAS
It doesn’t quite click one way or the other for me yet. There’s something missing.

BETHANY
You better not just be using this to read more love letters.

JONAS
I don’t want to read these, these letters all suck, but I have to read them. I am filled with 
purpose and if I stop now I will deflate like a balloon.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention all crew members who eat, due to a change in the budget as we come to the 
close of one fiscal fifth and enter another, none of the nutrition available in our many 
cafeteria halls will have any scent. As you know, scent in our state-of-the-art kitchen is 
the last thing added to the dish, right before it reaches your plate. The nutrition will still 
be as nutritious if not more so. Productivity is happiness.


Scene 4
More sappy music.

LOVE LETTER #25

Love Letter #25
Hey dingus,
I know that only one of us will get to piss on the other’s grave and I hope I get to piss on 
yours. The only reason I might not get to is because I will be in jail. I will be in jail 
because I am planning on murdering you.
If I am in jail and unable to piss on your grave, I will spend all of my time locked up 
devising something worse than piss to dump on your final resting place. I will ship it to 
whatever birthed you and have them pour one out for you if, as I suspect, I am serving 
multiple life sentences for your murder.
I can only think about you,
Your spouse
P.S. I can only think about you in very negative ways.


JONAS
Okay, yeah, I think I like this love letter.

BETHANY
It’s ironic.

JONAS
Is it?

BETHANY
These spouses left each other a letter like this every morning. They started pretty 
innocuous, but you know how these things go. They got more and more extreme over 
time. It was kind of cute, I guess.

JONAS
Then why is this one here?

BETHANY
Because it was left on the kitchen table while the writer went for a walk. Their spouse 
read it and laughed, said, “I love them,” out loud, and then got murdered by somebody 
else.

JONAS
Oh, cool. Who?

BETHANY
Just somebody. Nobody important. Not even a serial killer, it was just a one-time thing. 
No real motivation for murdering this person. The writer did end up serving multiple life 
sentences because the letter constituted a confession. I actually slipped that one in there 
because it was the least lucky love letter I had ever seen. It felt like it was worth 
preserving. Now, please, can you tell me if our new letter is a threat or not so I can go 
home and shed?

JONAS
Almost.

BETHANY
Jonas, you have read 25 other letters. Please just make a decision.

The music returns.

Scene 4.1

JONAS
(Clearing their throat to read the letter.)
To the one who flows through the other castle undisturbed by the shifting stones,
I have seen you in glances through glass lookers, and have felt the strange gaze of 
someone who glances at me. I suspect your family has named you spymaster and you 
have been returning the favor of my craft.
Would I be remiss to think that neither of us is as qualified at the subversive arts as we 
led our families to believe? My family, for their part, believes I have some skill in waiting 
and watching with bated breath. Though I doubt I have any real skill in it, I have enjoyed 
watching the calm way you glide through your decrepit castle.
My skills lie in poisons, mostly. Medicine too, but my family will deny any evidence of 
sickness lest you catch the scent of any weakness. I, of course, deny that any member of 
my family has ever experienced any illness, but I admit I am qualified to treat most of the 
maladies I haven’t come across. Likewise, the small animals my family brings to me have 
all died when I expected them to, except for the ones who I wanted to be carriers of my 
concoctions rather than victims.
I know from all of the watching that I’ve done, and all the watching you’ve done of me, 
that we share a similar passion for the few exotic flavors that this world can bring to us. I 
am confident that this message will reach you as I trust it will make it past what both our 
families have decided to call guards. Perhaps my family will not notice the rare bird 
missing from our aviary which carries this letter to you. The species does not live on 
your side of this miserable rock, but trust there are fewer than a dozen left in captivity 
and this is the star specimen. You are a competent enough cook to know how to clean and 
prepare the bird. Do not share it with your family. Enjoy it where I can see you.
Perhaps I will hear from you,
A Fellow Spymaster

Scene 4.2

BETHANY
It’s a threat. I don’t know why I brought it to you.

JONAS
Was the bird poisoned?


BETHANY
Yes, but the other spymaster took an antidote before enjoying it.

JONAS
Did they write to each other again?

BETHANY
Many times. Almost all like this. Sending new animals for each other to consume and then 
die in increasingly grotesque, impossible ways. The antidotes just became stronger to deal 
with it. I should have just labeled it a threat.

JONAS
What about the portrait?

BETHANY
What about it?

JONAS
The transcription includes a portrait.

BETHANY
It does.

JONAS
Who is it of?

BETHANY
It’s a self-portrait.

JONAS
Did the other spymaster send one back?

BETHANY
Eventually.

JONAS
Can it be both? Threat and Love Letter?

BETHANY
Not on the paperwork.

JONAS
Did they do this until they died?


BETHANY
Yes.

JONAS
Did the poison kill them?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
Love letter.

BETHANY
Why?

JONAS
If it was a threat I think they would have sealed the deal.
(A moment.)
And it’s a better story.
(A moment.)
And it means you’re wrong about the numbers game.

BETHANY
Oh, come on.

JONAS
It’s true! You’re a romantic at heart Bethany and you know it. You hide behind this 
“numbers game,” but look at all these love letters you were collecting. Come to the mixer, 
try the chemicals, you’ll have a good time.

BETHANY
I didn’t collect these.

JONAS
Sure, “somebody,” did.

BETHANY
Yes. Somebody else. Not me.

JONAS
Oh. Oh!


BETHANY
It was Patricia, and it was annoying back then too.

JONAS
(A moment.)
Right. Sorry. I should have figured that out. Sorry.
(A moment.)
So... do we put this letter in with all the other ones?

BETHANY
I don’t think so. I’m just not the romantic you seem to think I am. I say leave it out.

JONAS
Yes, but after reading so many other letters out loud...

BETHANY
All of which I had to listen to.

JONAS
It’s just... there are more of these letters, right?

BETHANY
Yeah, tons.

JONAS
Can I read them? Maybe when we have more it’ll be a more complete view of their 
relationship and I can figure out if they were in love.

BETHANY
You said it was a love letter.

JONAS
Sure, it was a love letter, but were they in love?

BETHANY
They were trying to kill each other.

JONAS
But they didn’t.


BETHANY
But they tried.

JONAS
Or, or, did they always know the other spymaster would come out on top with their 
antidote? Is it like the letter with the piss?

BETHANY
Listen, we’ve decided that bureaucratically it is a love letter, let’s leave it at that.

JONAS
I mean it’s not romantic by any means but still... all those meals... so many shared 
interests... big cold castle with nothing but mannequins to hold you tight...

BETHANY
Oh no, Jonas... are you... are you getting addicted to love letters?

JONAS
It’s not an addiction... I just think they're nice.

BETHANY
No more love letters. Give me the folder.

JONAS
No.

BETHANY
Jonas.

JONAS
No.

BETHANY
Jonas you can’t get hopped up on love letters and then go to a chemical mixer, you’ll end 
up in the infirmary or worse: an anti-marriage.

JONAS
(Clearly running away.)
If you’re never going to be in love, I have to double how many People I fall in love with.

BETHANY
Jonas get back here do not take the folder out of this room!

END.