1-10 The Lie Of Piracy

In which the Company Ship on which Bethany and Jonas live is attacked by a rogue vessel filled with mutinous "pirates".  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Story 1
Joe Hanson as Story 3  
Katie Ploetz as the Memo and Story 2
Jacob Pfeiffer as Floyd

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

Episode  10 - The Lie Of Piracy
Intro
Theme Song.
The Theme fades into some sort of electronic shanty.
The room tone fades in.


Prologue

ROBO-ARCHIVIST
The following is designated Floyd GDASD Recording Number 1.

FLOYD
Is this thing recording? It has so many buttons but only does one thing. Hello? Anybody 
there? Oh, the light’s on. I think that means it’s–

ROBO-ARCHIVIST
This concludes Floyd GDASD Recording Number 1.

Scene 1

A blaring alarm, an explosion, the sound of a ship full of 
things too cheap to nail down shaking.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention all employees who survived initial contact with the rogue ship, we are now 
engaged in the incorporation of an actively hostile vessel. Please, prepare for occasional 
lapses in breathable air, comfortable gravity, and regular turbulence. As per company 
policy, all employees, injured or otherwise, are required to remain at their stations until 
the end of this incorporation. Any overtime that happens as a result of this policy will 
remain unpaid. Productivity is happiness.

JONAS
Bethany?

BETHANY
(With a sigh.)
Before you ask, is this a question you should already know the answer to? You are down 
to four of those per shift.

JONAS
Bethany, what was that?

BETHANY
3 now. Given all of the context clues you seem to be ignoring, that was probably the 
rogue ship.

JONAS
What?

BETHANY
Yeah, you hear about these rogue ships sometimes. By the time we catch up to them, 
there is no telling what alterations the new crew could have set up.

JONAS
Rogue ships?

BETHANY
You... didn’t read the memo.

JONAS
Why are you so calm right now?

BETHANY
Because I read the memo, Jonas. I always read the memo. You should read the memos 
too.
(A beat.)
I bet they tried to ram us. I would never expect to be rammed, so that’s what I’d do.

JONAS
Are we at war?

BETHANY
No. We are not.
(A beat.)
The ship is, but we’re not.

JONAS
We’re at war?

BETHANY
Do you see a uniform?

JONAS
I mean I see a work uni-

BETHANY
Not what I meant.

JONAS
Did we get conscripted? Am I going to have to kill to survive? Am I finally going to see 
what exists in the darkest depths of my soul?

BETHANY
Jonas. We both know in the darkest part of your soul there is just a small child smiling 
and clapping and spinning their propeller hat. Right now, our ship is trying to incorporate 
a rogue ship before the rogue ship incorporates us. That’s all.

JONAS
Trying?

BETHANY
Trying.

JONAS
They could incorporate us?

BETHANY
It’s a universe of possibility, Jonas, and everybody loves to gamble.

JONAS
I need to go send a communication.

A loud, echoing boom. A small, scared squeak from Jonas.

BETHANY
Don’t bother, you’re not allowed to leave your station until this is over. 
(A thunk.)
The underside of your desk is not your station and your emotional support fern needs to 
be in its cubby as well.

JONAS
Are they going to... is someone going to be reading stories about us?

BETHANY
They wouldn’t be very interesting stories because, once again, you are under your desk 
cuddling something green, brown, and tear-stained.

JONAS
There are people doing our job on that ship right now? Right?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
Thank goodness. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

BETHANY
And yet I still have to coax you out of your cave. Anyone doing our job would have 
joined the mutiny or been killed by it. They would not still be doing this.

JONAS
We’re going to die in a mutiny?

BETHANY
Only if we play our cards right. If we lose this, and by we I mean the other People who 
are doing the fighting, then we’ll just be incorporated by the rogue ship. And in that case, 
we’re not allowed to say the word, “die,” when talking about incorporations. 
Bureaucratically, there is no cause for alarm.

JONAS
How’re you filling out forms right now?

BETHANY
Someone the company has repeatedly assured me is a doctor upped my prescription. I 
never asked if they were a doctor, but I’m still getting communication assuring me so.
(A sad ding.)
Oh look, another one. Thanks, company.

JONAS
Do you have any extra?

BETHANY
Pills or forms? No pills, enough forms to last four sieges or more.
(A beat.)
We’re told incorporation is painless. Stop breathing like that.

JONAS
I look at the charts too, Bethany.

BETHANY
Yes, but we’re told that it’s painless. Don’t scream when it happens or we’re both get a 
demerit from whatever senior employee gets incorporated last.

JONAS
If you think I’m going to start following policy right before I die... who are these dashing 
rogues anyway?

BETHANY
The memo said they were a bunch of ordinary workers who got infected, got violent, and 
then got the upper hand over an under-performing management team. Now they’re going 
around incorporating planets for their raw materials.

JONAS
...That’s what we’re doing.

BETHANY
But they’re not supposed to. You need to read these memos, Jonas. When we do it, it’s 
work, when they do it, it’s downright dirty theft. It’s all in the memo.

JONAS
I’m sorry, I’ve just never been in the heat of battle, Bethany. Some of us weren’t built for 
wartime.

BETHANY
You’re not in the heat of battle, you are at work.

Something comes crashing down.

JONAS
There are explosions happening in every direction.

BETHANY
It’s an office job, Jonas. Calm down. Read the memo next time and you’ll be prepared.

JONAS
What could the memo say that could possibly prepare me for this?

BETHANY
It says:

MEMO
Hello valued employees,
We expect to catch up to the next action item in our all-company corporate-level project 
tomorrow during your shift. This action item is a rogue ship taken over by infected 
pirates who hate you, your family, and the way of life you hold dear. These infected 
pirates want you to die. They have overtaken a company ship and have been 
incorporating planets without the permission of corporate. They will incorporate your 
family next if we do not stop them.
Do not let their attempt to incorporate you without the company’s permission distract 
you from our attempt to incorporate them. Do your part, and do not let this slow down 
productivity during your shift.
If you would like to donate a portion of your salary to the ongoing effort to eradicate all 
forms of piracy and this specific infection, please sign below.
Happiness is productivity,
Your management team

JONAS
You have that memorized?

BETHANY
Of course.

JONAS
Why?

BETHANY
Because I read it, Jonas. And you should have read it too. This way we could have 
skipped everything leading up to this moment. Are you going to sign?

JONAS
No. What? No.

BETHANY
How unpatriotic.

JONAS
You signed?

BETHANY
Of course not. Get back to work, Jonas.

JONAS
I haven’t even started working today.

BETHANY
I know.

JONAS
Is there a test to see if you’re infected like the mutineers or pirates or whatever?

BETHANY
Yes, a professional comes and asks you about your symptoms.

JONAS
Is anyone checking this ship for infections?

BETHANY
I hope not.

JONAS
You hope NOT?

BETHANY
Jonas, what infection do you think they’re talking about?

JONAS
A serious one? A violent one? Something to do with piracy? It sounds bad.

BETHANY
It sounds bad, alright. Follow up question: Have we, anywhere in the universe, ever once 
come across a single, real pirate. Not a made-up story, not a work of fiction. A single, real, 
actual pirate.

JONAS
No?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
Okay?

BETHANY
Pirates aren’t real.

JONAS
Pirates aren’t real?

BETHANY
And if pirates aren’t real...

JONAS
Pirates aren’t real?

BETHANY
Jonas, the infection is made up. The pirates are made up. If someone is here to check for 
signs of infection, it means they’re doing paperwork to justify whatever they’re planning 
to do to the infected ship. Someone, somewhere has already decided if you’re infected or 
not and if you see someone testing for it, you are too late.
(A beat.)
This isn’t an infection, the last one wasn’t an infection, and there are no pirates. It’s a 
boilerplate memo. They send out the same one every time we incorporate a rogue ship. 

JONAS
How often is that?

BETHANY
Okay, so we’ve only done this one other time since I started, but it’s the same message.
(A big crash.)
This is a rogue ship. They’re just trying to survive by incorporating us first. It is not full 
of sick pirates. It’s just full of People who made a different choice than us. They’re 
probably running a skeleton crew. There’s a good chance that anyone who actually knows 
how to run the incorporator is long gone. They’ll throw a tantrum, then we get to collect 
and sort their data just like every other thing we incorporate. 
Now, you can have your feelings about it, you can hug your wet leafy thing, or you can 
fill out these forms and get it over with. Whatever you’re going to do, do it quietly, 
please.
(Laser noises.)
When did we get lasers? I swear, nobody tells me anything.

JONAS
Pirates aren’t real?

BETHANY
Nowhere in the universe. They just don’t happen outside of stories.

JONAS
Huh.

BETHANY
Do some forms, Jonas. It won’t make you feel better but it will make you feel less.

Scene 2

ANNOUNCEMENT
Thank you to all our surviving employees for sticking with us through hour fourteen of 
our incorporation efforts against the rogue ship.
We understand that canceling several of your lunch breaks may seem like an act of malice 
by upper management, but this decision actually has your best interest at heart.
(A beat.)
Productivity is happiness.

BETHANY
There has to be something else. A form to fill out. Something that slipped through the 
cracks. Anything.

JONAS
Do all the incorporations take this long?

BETHANY
No. What? Have you been paying attention?/

JONAS
Not really.

BETHANY
Most ships that have incorporation capabilities have fail safes in place to resist 
unintentional incorporation. That’s why it’s taking so long. Usually it’d be done in a 
couple of minutes. 

JONAS
Bethany, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but how dare you do all the work and leave 
nothing for me.

BETHANY
Jonas, you did all the work. You got bored and zipped through all the work. We had 
enough work to ration for weeks and you just... Did it because you were bored.

JONAS
I did?

BETHANY
If you did this at any other time, I would give you a gold star. Unfortunately, you did it 
today and we should both hate you for that.
(A sigh.)
I will find something.

JONAS
I’m opening the EBI folder.

BETHANY
You opened it five hours ago.

JONAS
I’m opening it again.

BETHANY
It’s still open! You never closed it! You opened it, flipped through a few pages, got bored, 
did all the work we had, and now we’re here.

JONAS
I am revisiting the EBI folder.

BETHANY
Please just pick any one story and read it all the way through.

JONAS
Fine. This one.

STORY #1
I had never felt a hunger like this since

JONAS
Boring! Boring, boring, boring!

BETHANY
No, you picked it, you go back and read it.

JONAS
Why is this one even here?

BETHANY
Read it or I will eat you and not kill you. You will just have to watch me eat you until 
you are living without a body because I ate your entire body but I did not kill you. Do 
you understand?

JONAS
No?

BETHANY
Read. This. Story. Jonas.

STORY #1
I had not know a hunger like this since I was a young child. My family, poor as they 
were, had to hunt for whatever we ate. After the great wasting, there was very little to 
hunt. The few things we could grow from the long-dead dirt had odd smiles about them 
and would laugh when you looked away. I was too young to join in the hunting but the 
idiot who raised me would tell me stories of their many failures. They died on a hunt. We 
ate well that night.

JONAS
Ha. Cannibalism. Just like you were going to do to me if I didn’t finish the story.

BETHANY
It gets more interesting, I swear.

JONAS
Bethany. I am not waiting for a story to get interesting. It should just be interesting.

BETHANY
They ate their caregiver! It is interesting.

JONAS
Yeah, to sickos. I’m reading something else.

BETHANY
But, please, for my sake, just read a story all the way through before going on to the next 
one.

JONAS
Maybe!

STORY #2
The crystal jittered to the odd music, hungry and lonely, the last of its

JONAS
Bummer alert! Bummer alert!

BETHANY
Bummers can be very interesting, meaningful stories.

JONAS
Glad to know the last fourteen hours of my life have been a very interesting and 
meaningful story. Bethany, stop trying to find a blank form and find a happy story for 
me to read out loud to myself while you pretend not to listen.

BETHANY
Okay, if you’ll read it all the way through.

JONAS
Never mind, I found one.

STORY #3
I AM THE LIGHTNING TOOTH, THE LONG SHADOW BEHIND THE 
MOUNTAIN, I AM THE BLOOD WITHIN THE BLOOD. I HAVE A HUNDRED 
AND ONE NAMES AND A CROWN UPON EACH. I AM ALONE AND I AM 
ABOVE. I AM THE LIGHTNING TOOTH AND I KNOW THE STATIC IN THE 
SOUND OF THE WIND.

JONAS
Well, you have to give it to me. I did read that whole one. It may only be four sentences, 
but I read them all out loud. Are you happy now?

BETHANY
Just find the story from the last rogue ship.

JONAS
We have that story? Where?

BETHANY
You’re organizing the folder, Jonas.

Scene 3

ANNOUNCEMENT
Just checking in with all the survivors on the ship as we approach hour 168. No sleeping 
is allowed while at your work stations. Wake up. Here is a sound to help you wake up.

ROBOT VOICE
Wake up, please. I miss you.

ANNOUNCEMENT
There. Now you are awake. Please stay that way unless you have expired during our 
incorporation of the rogue ship. If you have not already signed your form consenting to 
give a portion of your salary to the effort, consider this: almost 1% of your donation will 
go to the families of those sucked into the void of space. Productivity is happiness.

ROBO-ARCHIVIST
The following is designated Floyd GDASD Recording Number 78.

FLOYD
Tomorrow is the day. I hear everybody talking about it. I think I’m excited. You know 
I’ve been preparing for this for a long time. I’ve been getting my supplies together. 
Making sure all the intel I’ve been gathering has been, you know, accurate. We’re only 
going to get one shot at this and... and I just want to get it right. An opportunity like 
this... you do not want to waste it. I’ll keep you all updated.

ROBO-ARCHIVIST
This concludes Floyd GDASD Recording Number 78.

As explosions continue going off in the distance.

JONAS
This is the story?

BETHANY
Yup.

JONAS
That qualifies as a mutiny?

BETHANY
That is probably the biggest single piece of contraband on the whole ship and, yes, that 
qualifies as a mutiny.

JONAS
You wrote this one yourself.

BETHANY
I am not a creative person, Jonas.

JONAS
You read the memo, you knew I wasn’t going to read the memo, you got here early and 
slipped in a little prank before the shift started.

BETHANY
I did not.

JONAS
Yes, you did.

BETHANY
Have I ever committed a prank, Jonas?

JONAS
You have done one prank: This prank. That is the only prank you have done or will ever 
do.

BETHANY
Go find the incorporated rogues and ask them. They’re technically on the ship 
somewhere.

JONAS
I... I don’t know if you can actually do that or not.

BETHANY
You can reconstitute their bodies but they will not be inside of them.
(A beat.)
I am not allowed to say the, “D,” word about it but they will not be inside their 
reconstituted bodies. The point is, everyone on that ship, or almost everyone, got 
together and decided to have a vacation day.

JONAS
What is that? It sounds made up. It sounds like you made it up.

BETHANY
I think it’s just a day where you don’t go to work.

JONAS
So like a child?

BETHANY
You also don’t go to school.

JONAS
Okay.

BETHANY
There are a lot of gears turning in your head and I can hear them from here.

JONAS
I am totally and completely lost.

BETHANY
Have you ever had a day where you didn’t work and you also didn’t have to request 
leave to go do something that wasn’t work but was important enough to be “like work?”

JONAS
Yes? But you told me if I kept doing that you would do something about vengeance to 
me.

BETHANY
But you also didn’t have to be at work. You were given express and explicit permission to 
just not work and you didn’t have to ask for it.

JONAS
I’ve been... fired before.

BETHANY
Also you get to keep your job.

JONAS
There are a lot of stipulations to what a vacation is.

BETHANY
So have you had one?

JONAS
I have not had a vacation, no.

BETHANY
Me neither. But all these People on that first rogue ship decided it sounded pretty alright 
so they got together and had one.

JONAS
I do not remember reading about a battle or a lot of people dying.

A bomb goes off somewhere.

BETHANY
They just had a vacation day.

JONAS
The survivors did.

BETHANY
They just all... had a vacation day.

JONAS
But what did they do? How did they get a vacation day?

BETHANY
They didn’t “do” anything.

JONAS
They just... had one?

BETHANY
Yeah.

JONAS
And they didn’t do anything to earn it?

BETHANY
Not anything special.

JONAS
Okay. What did they do with it?

BETHANY
Little things. Some of them tried drawing pictures. Most of them slept in.

JONAS
Slept in... the blood of management?

BETHANY
Just slept in longer than they normally would.

JONAS
What did management do if they weren’t dead?

BETHANY
There was no one to manage. So not much.

JONAS
Doesn’t that all sound pretty boring to you?

BETHANY
I guess.

JONAS
I mean, nothing to do, we’re here and there’s already nothing to do.

BETHANY
It’s different though. We have to do nothing. They got to do nothing.

JONAS
It’s nothing either way.

BETHANY
Sure, Jonas.

JONAS
Mmm, no, you’re just agreeing with me so I stop talking.

BETHANY
A while back, I requested some time off and I got turned down. Then I pushed it and I got 
turned down and laughed at. There were demerits, but I’ve worked most of those off. I 
just think it would be nice to have a day where there was one less thing to worry about.

JONAS
But what would you do?

BETHANY
I don’t know.

JONAS
Exactly, Would you even leave your room?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
Exactly.

BETHANY
No, and that’s the point. Plenty of people in the story did not leave their rooms and 
some of them even enjoyed it.

JONAS
I wouldn’t just stay in my room.

BETHANY
You should try staying in your room sometime, Jonas, I think we’d all enjoy it.

JONAS
And deprive the vacationers of more me? Never.
(A page turns.)
What’s camping?

BETHANY
I don’t know.

JONAS
It says at least one person went camping. What’s that?

BETHANY
They just set up a sheet next to a window and, quote, “fell asleep under the stars.”

JONAS
It’s all stars, though. We keep some compressed stars in the ship. All that’s going to do is 
get someone stepped on.

BETHANY
They worked in our position. They heard about camping from one of the worlds they 
incorporated. Everyone left them alone.
The next day, everything was back to normal. Everyone went back to work. Productivity 
was way up. Some people were happy. Later that week, we incorporated all of them. 
One of the managers on the rogue ship asked corporate for protocols. Our ship was the 
first and only response.
(A beat.)
Don’t tell anyone about this story, Jonas. I don’t feel like being broken down into my 
most basic elements and kept in storage, do you?

JONAS
Did that other person, that camper, did they have an EBI folder?

BETHANY
They did not.

JONAS
I don’t want to tell anyone about your boring vacation days anyway.

A silence, then a loud ding.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Thank you everyone for your patience with our latest incorporation. The rogue ship and 
all of its infected pirates have been placed in storage. 
We understand that due to the prolonged nature of this incorporation you were asked to 
stay at your stations for an unusual amount of time. Upper management has decided to 
thank you for your hard work by making it so your next shift begins now. This way, you 
will not have make the trip back to your quarters before the shift that would begin 
shortly anyways. This will also prevent the highest possible number of employees from 
being sucked into the void of space while we repair several gaping holes in the fuselage. 
Remember, if you do not have a door, your risk of being sucked into the void of space is 
never zero. Happiness is productivity.

JONAS
If you have any pushpins you can spare, please send them my way. Another whole shift 
and nothing to do.

BETHANY
Not nothing, we have a whole rogue ship’s data to sift through.

JONAS
Thank goodness.

BETHANY
I’ve never seen you happy for more work.

JONAS
I just hope you’re wrong about pirates.

Papers move, buttons get pushed.

BETHANY
No pirates. What did I tell you, Jonas?

Fade out.

Epilogue

ROBO-ARCHIVIST
Floyd was the sole member of the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department of a 
now-incorporated rogue star ship. Floyd’s atomic identity is currently held in storage on 
another star ship of the same company. The following is assigned designation Floyd 
GDASD Recording Final.

FLOYD
I’m a lonely person, I think. I don’t talk to people. I work in a windowless, doorless
office with an AI who I hate. And that AI is my best friend. But now, right now, I’m 
looking at all of these stars and thinking that, hey, maybe I’m not alone out here. 
Tomorrow, I’ll go back to work after our little vacation day but I think I’ll come back here 
sometimes. Just to say hi to the stars. Remember that I’m not so alone out here.
This is going to be my last recording for the night. I don’t want to waste it.

ROBO-ARCHIVIST
The original data of Floyd’s recording resides in the same on-ship storage as Floyd’s 
atomic identity. This copy of the recording was collected automatically as part of the 
Robo-Archivist Borderless Collections Protocol. No recipient for the recording was ever 
intended. As of yet, this recording has been accessed as part of the Robo-Archivist 
system 0 times. No other recording of Floyd exists aside from payment and tax 
information. This concludes the Floyd GDASD Recordings and all relevant data of Floyd 
of the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department.
END