1-12 On Broken Things

In which Bethany and Jonas attempt to acquire more pens.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Juan  
Kristen Hasty as Patricia  
Katie Ploetz as Olga  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

Episode  12 - On Broken Things
Intro
The Broken Beeping Motif begins before we fade into our standard room tone.
Scene 1
A beeping sound. Faint, rhythmic, annoying.

BETHANY
Okay, are you going to do something about that or are you just going to sit there?

JONAS
Hmm?

BETHANY
Do you know how long you’ve been sitting here ignoring the beeping?

JONAS
According to the clock, no time at all.

BETHANY
The clock is broken.

JONAS
Oh, huh. So is this pen.

BETHANY
It’s not broken. It just makes that sound when you run out of ink. Put it somewhere we 
can’t hear it and grab a new one.

JONAS
Is there a way to turn off the beeping?

BETHANY
No. Just throw it down the hallway and wait for the battery to die, then grab a new pen 
and start over.

JONAS
Is that what the beeping pile down the hallway is? I thought it was an art project.

BETHANY
We lost art project privileges a long time ago.

JONAS
But... but I cried over... why don’t we just throw them out?

BETHANY
We can’t throw them out. It’s illegal. We are required to refill any empty pens.

JONAS
Okay, so why don’t we just refill them?

BETHANY
Because we don’t know how. The method is proprietary and needs to be done by a 
professional. They beep to get the attention of any professionals nearby. So, please, just 
throw it down the hallway and let a professional take care of it.

JONAS
I just... I feel bad throwing it down the hallway. Can’t we just break it?

BETHANY
And activate the secondary alarm for tampering with company-branded paraphernalia? 
Neither of us can throw the pen far enough to avoid that noise. Just get rid of the thing 
and grab a new one.

JONAS
I can’t.

BETHANY
Oh, Jonas, you didn’t name it, did you?

JONAS
I did, but I forgot what it was. Also, there aren’t any more pens.

BETHANY
Check the drawer.

JONAS
I checked the drawer. I checked all the drawers. There aren’t any more pens.

BETHANY
There’s a box. There’s a box in the bottom cabinet in the file. It’s labeled, “pens.” Get 
one from there.

JONAS
It’s empty. They’re all empty. Dozens of boxes and they’re all... just empty.
(A chair swivels.)
Are all the pens at the end of the hallways actually yours, Bethany?

BETHANY
Jonas, why didn’t you say anything?

JONAS
Because I was hoping that if I stalled you would solve the problem on your own?

BETHANY
Why would I do that?

JONAS
The pen is beeping! I thought you would leap to action!

BETHANY
I’m not replacing your pen, Jonas! I’m not your caregiver!

JONAS
I know but... but we’re out and now you kind of have to replace my pen, don’t you?

BETHANY
Jonas.

JONAS
All I’m saying is I notice when your pen beeps.

BETHANY
And you also WATCH ME CHUCK IT DOWN THE HALLWAY. EVERY. TIME.

JONAS
But I also say, “hey, is your pen out of ink? Can I help with that?”

BETHANY
(A moment.)
No, you don’t.

JONAS
But I’m going to start now.

BETHANY
Jonas, I... if you... Jonas I’m not dealing with this right now.

JONAS
(A beat.)
Have we worked together long enough that you’ve run out of new threats to say to me?

BETHANY
This is not my worst day at work but it is my worst day at work with you.

JONAS
Cool. Can you get me a new pen?

BETHANY
Just... hand me the pen request form. Last time I had to get new pens I tried to get enough 
to last me until I died and I never counted on you doodling on everything in the office.

JONAS
(Passing a paper.)
I know you love my doodles.

BETHANY
(With some scribbling.)
We don’t talk about your doodles, Jonas.

A second beeping, slightly off from the first beeping in a 
really unpleasant way.

A moment.

JONAS
Hey Bethany.
(A moment.)
Bethany.
(A moment.)
Hey.
(A moment.)
Bethany.
(A moment.)
Bethany, hey.

BETHANY
Yes. Jonas.

JONAS
Hey, is your pen out of ink? Can I help with that?

BETHANY
This was not the week for the almost doctor to try me on new meds.

JONAS
Can I... can I grab you another pen?

BETHANY
Please shut up.

JONAS
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over all this beeping. What was that?

BETHANY
It was a creative threat against your physical safety, Jonas. That’s all.

JONAS
Hey, Bethany, it looks like we’re out of pens. We’ve got a form around here to request 
some more, but since we’re out of pens we can’t fill out the form. So we can’t get new 
pens to fill out the forms for more pens. Looks like the only thing we can do is sit here 
and really take in the music. Don’t worry, I’ll keep an eye on the clock and make sure it 
hasn’t been more than five minutes.

BETHANY
Give me that

They pull the pen from Jonas’ hand.

JONAS
Hey!

With a grunt, Bethany throws the pens down the 
hallway. Their beeping gets quieter and quieter.

JONAS
I was just starting to get into that noise.

BETHANY
We have to go borrow a pen.

JONAS
What is this “we?” who is “we?” What could you possible need me for while borrowing a 
pen?

BETHANY
This is a part of your training that hasn’t come up yet.

JONAS
What? Asking for help? How are you going to teach me that?

BETHANY
First of all, shut up, second of all, we can’t just “borrow” a pen on this ship. There is a 
very specific procedure we have to adhere to or we will both get a demerit. The only way 
you will learn about that procedure is to learn on the job. Trust me. I’ve had to do this 
before. You won’t want to dive into the deep end with this one.

JONAS
Can I take the EBI folder?

BETHANY
Your tentacle is still recovering from trying to lift it while you organize the thing.

JONAS
Just one story?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
Why not?

BETHANY
It’s... the folder is not supposed to exist, Jonas. Can we please at least pretend to act like 
it doesn’t exist outside of here?

JONAS
What better strategy than hiding in plain sight?

BETHANY
I... what?

JONAS
You know... it’s a thing People talk about.

BETHANY
I mean you’re right but... Fine. One story. Hiding in plain sight.

JONAS
Okay but what if I- wait, seriously?

BETHANY
Don’t make me regret it.

JONAS
What is going on with you today?

Scene 2

ANNOUNCEMENT
Look out!
Thank you for participating in this drill. In an effort to maintain employee productivity, 
the emergency warning you just heard will pertain to all possible emergencies on the ship. 
Remember, if you hear me say, “Look out!” Than you should start looking out for any 
possible emergency. We cannot be held liable for failure to look out. Productivity is 
happiness.

BETHANY
Okay. You can look up from the paper now. This is Lei’s office. Lei is the Assistant 
Director to the Director of the Department of Directorial Assistant Mentorship, Training, 
and Distribution.

JONAS
And they get a door?

BETHANY
They do.

JONAS
Okay.

BETHANY
Don’t think about it. It’ll make you sad.

JONAS
No, it’s good, if they have a door we have somewhere to knock. Usually people just kind 
of barge into our office, but here we can knock and ask Lei for a pen.

BETHANY
Not quite.

JONAS
Okay, we’ll do the form or whatever.

BETHANY
No. First, we knock on the door, then we ask Lei’s secretary’s assistant, who is named 
Juan, to schedule a meeting with Olga.

JONAS
Who’s Olga?

BETHANY
Olga is Lei’s secretary.

JONAS
Lei’s secretary gets an assistant?

BETHANY
Yes.

JONAS
What does the secretary do if they have an assistant?

BETHANY
You’ll see.

JONAS
And we can’t just ask them for a pen?

BETHANY
No. Not with these people. Do not ask these people for a pen. Do not embarrass me in 
public like that.

JONAS
But what if...

BETHANY
Remember that I let you take a story with you.

JONAS
Fine.

BETHANY
Once we have a meeting with Olga, we can have Olga schedule a meeting with Lei.

JONAS
And I will not ask anybody except for Lei for a pen.

BETHANY
You will not ask Lei for a pen. I will ask Lei to borrow a pen. Jonas, say it. Say, “ I will 
not ask Lei for a pen today.”

JONAS
“I will not ask Lei for a pen today.”

BETHANY
I’m going to ignore your tone and move on, but I just need you to understand that I heard 
it so you don’t bring it up again.

Bethany knocks on the door.

JONAS
At least the door sounds cheap.

BETHANY
Shut up.

JONAS
I was jealous, and now I’m not.

BETHANY
Jonas, quiet.

JUAN
(Through the door.)
Come in.

JONAS
I’d rather have no door than a crappy sounding hollow door.

BETHANY
They get more expensive as you get deeper in the office.

JONAS
They get MORE THAN ONE DOOR?

JUAN
(Through the door.)
If this is a prank I have the authority to ask someone to lock all the waste removal area 
doors in the immediate zone until someone confesses.

BETHANY
(Opening the door.)
Hi, Juan.

JUAN
You have the look and smell of a duo who has run out of pens.

BETHANY
We do?

JUAN
Look at this one. You can see the beeping still ringing in their ears.

JONAS
I didn’t even notice it but you’re right, the beeping is still ringing in my ears.

JUAN
And you.

BETHANY
Me?

JUAN
I remember you.

BETHANY
Oh, I remember you too.

JUAN
No you do not.

BETHANY
You’re Juan, you were the- the

JUAN
Tell me, when did you last see me?

BETHANY
It’s just on the tip of my tongue.

JUAN
It is not.

BETHANY
I’m sorry, Juan. I don’t know the last time I saw you.

JUAN
It was the last time you ran out of pens. You were standing where Jonas is standing now. 
Patricia was standing where you are standing. And I was sitting here.

JONAS
How do you know my name?

JUAN
Then Patricia said,

PATRICIA
(Juan’s imitation.)
“We’re only here because somebody ran out of pens,”

JUAN
And you said,

BETHANY
(Juan’s imitation.)
“Can we borrow a pen from you?”

JUAN
It was very embarrassing.

JONAS
Those were some great impressions. Or at least the Bethany one was.

JUAN
There is no chance of upward mobility in my career unless someone dies. I’ve picked up 
a few hobbies.

JONAS
You’re really good at it, have you considered doing a talent show?

JUAN
Is there a talent show going on?

JONAS
No, but we could throw something together I bet.

JUAN
I would really enjoy that.

BETHANY
This is all awesome, can we schedule a meeting with Olga about scheduling a meeting with 
Lei?

JONAS
Let’s do it. I’ll have my people talk to your people.

JUAN
We are other people’s people.

JONAS
Then I guess we’re both going to have to find some people.

BETHANY
How about those meetings?

JUAN
You’re not just going to ask me for a pen now?

JONAS
That would be pretty embarrassing.

BETHANY
You know, I’m the head of my department now, and no one even had to die for it.

A tense moment.

JUAN
I will do what I can for you, Bethany. Just know this: you are cutting it pretty close to 
the wire. People around here have been whispering about empty pens going missing, 
unable to be found and refilled. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, 
would you? 

BETHANY
I don’t have to answer that.

JUAN
It would be a shame if that shortage came to pass before you could clamp one of your 
claws around a fresh box of pens.
You both stay here. I will go and talk to Olga.

BETHANY
You could just send a communication.

JUAN
I could do that. Or I could walk down this very long hallway with the bone crushing, time 
stretching gravity dilation.

A nicer door opens and closes. A normal set of foot steps 
recedes.

JONAS
I like them.

BETHANY
No, they like you and you can’t tell the difference.

JONAS
Oh, that’s why it feels good. Are you going to do the talent show?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
We’ll see how that goes for you.
(A moment.)
Are you okay?

BETHANY
Peachy.

JONAS
You’ve been acting off all day.

BETHANY
I don’t like it when people bring up my old co-worker.

JONAS
Right. Sorry.

BETHANY
Let’s not talk about it anymore. Okay?

JONAS
Did... did it at least sound like Patricia.

BETHANY
To an uncanny degree. Do you have that story?

JONAS
Yes.

BETHANY
Now’s a good time to read it.

JONAS
You don’t have to tell me twice.
Bankroll, discovered by you. Cataloged by you and...

BETHANY
I know who cataloged it, Jonas.

JONAS
Cataloged on

BETHANY
6.67.9905.T

JONAS
That’s... right. Do you remember this one?

BETHANY
A little.
(Pause for a laugh that doesn’t come.)
That’s a joke. It’s about a little planet. Technically it was a moon. We picked it up at the 
same time we were incorporating the body it was orbiting. The planet was all rocks and 
dust and special little gasses. The moon had a population on it.
(A beat.)
Keep reading.

JONAS
Sorry, I thought you were going to say more.

BETHANY
Please, I don’t want any empty space right now, okay?

JONAS
Like... quiet?

BETHANY
Yes, like quiet.

JONAS
Okay... um. Here I go. There was a well worn groove in the dirt floor, just a few inches 
from where Xaphire slept. These floors were old and earthen and grooves would form 
from where the home-dweller walked between their rooms. No one would notice this one 
particular groove next to the bed after tripping over the many hills and valleys that made 
this dwelling’s floor. Except, that is, for the one who made it.
Every night after blocking the door with the heaviest rock they could move, Xaphire knelt 
at the corner of their bed and slid their hand inside. Then, they pulled out a fat wad of 
cash.
Bethany, there’s a new story about people that keep money in their mattress every day.

BETHANY
Xaphire’s species hadn’t invented farming yet.

JONAS
What?

BETHANY
The “bed” was a pile of loose hides and wild grasses.

A door opens and closes.

JUAN
You have 149 seconds to meet with Olga. I suggest you hurry, given the dilation.
(Footsteps.)
Oh, and Jonas?

JONAS
Yeah?

JUAN
Call me about that talent show.

JONAS
Will do Juan!

Scene 3

ANNOUNCEMENT
Look out!
This was also a drill. If you, or someone you know, did not proceed to look out once the 
alarm was raised, please locate and fill out a Failure to Look Out Form and submit it to 
the Department for Emergency Readiness. Failure to fill out a Failure to Look Out form 
will result in a demerit after you submit a completed Failure to Fill Out a Failure to Look 
Out Form. Please submit the Failure to Fill Out a Failure to Look Out form to the 
Department for the Oversight of the Department for Emergency Readiness. Happiness is 
productivity.

Jonas is breathing heavily.

JONAS
Why is this hallway so long?

BETHANY
Gravity dilation.

JONAS
What does that mean?

BETHANY
I don’t know.
(Knocking on a nicer door than last time.)
Olga? Olga are you there?

JONAS
How many doors are in this place?

BETHANY
Don’t think about it. I don’t want to have to think about it and that means you can’t 
think about it because if you think about it, I will have to think about it because you will 
not stop thinking about it.

OLGA
(Through a door.)
Who is it?

BETHANY
It’s Bethany and Jonas, we need to talk to you about scheduling a meeting about 
borrowing a pen.

OLGA
(Through a door.)
You’re late.

BETHANY
There’s a gravity dilation in your hallway.

OLGA
(Opening the door.)
No there isn’t. That’s just a lie we tell the newest people so we can have a little joy in 
our lives. 

JONAS
Well you’re really ruining the immersion for me.

OLGA
I’ve been here long enough to enjoy ruining other people’s fun more than lying to the new 
hires.

JONAS
Well I’m sorry you have to run down this hallway every day.

OLGA
I just go through Lei’s office.
(A moment.)
You can both go now.

BETHANY
We need to schedule a meeting with Lei.

OLGA
Well I have another meeting about scheduling a meeting about pens with people who 
aren’t you. You’ll have to go back to my assistant's office and wait for an opening in my 
schedule there.

JONAS
Can we just wait here? I don’t want to have to run to Juan’s office and back again.

OLGA
Juan? Oh, right, that’s my assistant's name. I always just call them “my assistant,” since 
they will never be promoted to be my equal or higher unless I die. And if I die, it’s just 
not my problem anymore.
(A moment.)
Look at that face. Bethany, you get to look at that face every day. I like your attitude, 
Jonas.

JONAS
I don’t know what I did, but thank you.

OLGA
It seems like my next meeting is late, so you two can come in now.

BETHANY
We just need a meeting with Lei.

OLGA
Is that all?

BETHANY
Yes.

OLGA
You’re not going to ask me for a pen like you did last time?

BETHANY
I am not.

OLGA
It was very funny when me and Patricia got to laugh at you.

BETHANY
I remember it as well.

OLGA
Tell your assistant to ask me for a pen.

BETHANY
I’m not doing that.

OLGA
Come on, it’s been so long since someone made a bureaucratic faux pas in front of me.

JONAS
I can hear you.

OLGA
Your energy really is very good. And that face. Incredible. Let me go talk to Lei and see if 
we can schedule something.

A very nice door opens and closes.

JONAS
Okay, I know neither of us want to talk about that. Where was I?
Then, they pulled out a fat wad of money.

The door opens and closes again.

OLGA
Unfortunately, Lei is dead.

JONAS
Oh, I’m so sorry.

OLGA
Oh, Jonas, you sweet young thing, I hated Lei. But now, I get to be Lei. I’ve been 
promoted by their death.

BETHANY
Then can we ask you to borrow a pen?

OLGA
Oh. Oh my goodness. You...
(Laughing.)
I can’t believe you did the faux pas! You of all people would know that nothing is final 
until the paperwork goes through. Oh, I can’t wait to tell... what was their name again? I 
can’t wait to tell my assistant about this.

BETHANY
How long is that going to take?

OLGA
I don’t care, I have to go find a Promotion in the Event of Wrongful Supervisor Death 
Form and fill it out in duplicate. Once for the department, and once for me so I can 
remember this moment forever. You can wait here for my assistant to be promoted to this 
position and then you can ask them for a meeting with me. Goodbye. Do not talk to me 
again until you’ve talked to my assistant- wait, no, to my secretary... wait... no. Don’t 
talk to me until you’ve talked to my secretary’s assistant about talking to my secretary 
about talking to me. Goodbye. For real this time.
(A moment.)
Jonas, you can talk to me whenever you like, just so long as you bring that face with you.
Goodbye for real for real this time.

Olga leaves through a door.

BETHANY
Great.

JONAS
Did they say wrongful death?

BETHANY
The Department of Directorial Assistant Mentorship, Training, and 
Distribution is a messy web of slow-moving intrigue and slower moving interns. Just, 
read the story and don’t get caught in it.

JONAS
Okay. Back to the fat wads of cash I guess.
There were three jobs on the moon: hunting, gathering, and banking. Xaphire was a proud 
and great hunter.

BETHANY
Xaphire was decidedly below average, but chose not to be aware of it.

JONAS
Certainly, there were many, many hunters worse than Xaphire. They had to be at least 
above average.

BETHANY
Xaphire was barely not a strain on their community. We pulled the numbers after filing 
away the story.

JONAS
Xaphire knew that the banks paid hunters for hides and paid gatherers for the flowers and 
used dark and twisted magics to turn those hides and flowers into the fat wads of cash 
that they were now counting in their dirty little hands.

BETHANY
It wasn’t magic. It was just basic dying techniques. The banks weren’t even good at it. If 
the money got wet, the dye washed off and it was no longer considered legal tender.
Worse, everyone knew it wasn’t magic. Everyone but Xaphire figured it out.

JONAS
Xaphire also knew there was very little hunting left to do. Their planet

BETHANY
Moon.

JONAS
Was small enough to walk the circumference in a day and was almost out of animals to kill 
and plants to pluck out of the ground.

BETHANY
Xaphire, despite everything, was right about that. And, despite everything again, was the 
only one on the moon that believed it.

JONAS
One night, Xaphire did the math and came to the only possible conclusion that someone 
like them could come to: the bank couldn’t be trusted but money was still real and they 
needed to hoard it in their bed. Xaphire counted out the rough strips of leather painted 
with flower-dyes. Soon, after maybe another good week of hunting, they would be able to 
buy that nicer hovel with the bigger plot of land Fligher had just finished developing on 
the other side of the planet. Then they knew they’d be safe.

BETHANY
Xaphire would not be safe. There was no more food.

JONAS
Did they buy the home?

BETHANY
No. Someone with enough brains to counterfeit poorly painted leather strips did. Then 
they all starved to death. Later, we came along and did our thing.

JONAS
Huh.
Do you think we can just take a pen from Olga’s old desk while we’re the only ones 
here?

BETHANY
Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.

JONAS
I mean it would be quicker- Did you just agree with me?

BETHANY
Yeah, so?

JONAS
Let’s get out of here and then let’s talk about that.
Scene 4

ANNOUNCEMENT
Look out!
This is explicitly not a drill. A murder happened near you! Act accordingly.
Productivity is happiness.

JONAS
There, yes, you’ve used the stolen pen to request more pens, you’ve submitted the 
request form for more pens, you’ve, quote, “planned out,” how you’re going to fill out 
about a dozen different forms when you finally get more pens, now, please, just tell me, 
what is up with you today?

BETHANY
Nothing. I’m just...

JONAS
Not even coming up with an excuse.

BETHANY
Fine. It’s the new pills.

JONAS
Are they working?

BETHANY
Sometimes I can focus better. Sometimes I focus worse. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.
I’m actually not sure the Person who gave me these pills is a doctor either. I was told...

JONAS
I know, you told me.

BETHANY
Did I? I must have.

JONAS
What was wrong with the old pills?

BETHANY
I just wanted to be on less pills.

JONAS
Okay.

BETHANY
There’s an adjustment period with these things.

JONAS
With the pills?

BETHANY
Yeah.

JONAS
Okay. As long as you don’t start finding maps in coffee stains and everything. I get to 
have bouts of unwellness. You do not.

BETHANY
Isn’t that just it though? Why don’t I get to do that?

JONAS
Because I’m a goofball. And you’re Bethany. And that’s what makes this department the 
charming, doorless place it is.

BETHANY
You know, we used to have a door.

JONAS
Really?!

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
(A moment.)
Bethany, was that a joke?

FIN

Credits
LEAH: (With a bit more humanity than the Announcement voice :) )
Episode 12: On Broken Things, was written, produced, and edited by Monte D.  Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe.
Allyson Levine voices the character of Bethany.
Raimy Washington voices the character of Jonas. 
Ellis Macmillan is the Robo-Archivist.
This episode also featured Chase Guthrie Knueven as Juan, Katie Ploetz as Olga, and briefly introduced Kristen Hasty as Patricia.
As always, I’m Leah Cardenas, and I read the ship announcements as well as the credits. 
From all of us here at inc: The Podcast, but mainly the creators who sweatily obsess over the numbers, we’d love it if you could take a few seconds and give this podcast a like and a follow on whatever platform you’re currently using to access us. We’ve received such an amazing reception in our first few months, even managing to occasionally land on the domestic and international sci fi charts, and if you’re interested in a free way to show your support letting those completely inhuman algorithms know that we have a real, human, audience is weirdly the best way to do that. 
Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, that’s @ I-N-C the podcast, all lowercase, all one word, all the time. 

inc is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.

Happiness is productivity.

Productivity is happiness.