1-15 One Alien, One Moon, Alone

In which Bethany adds a story to the EBI and Jonas takes it surprisingly badly.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

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Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

Episode 15 - One Alien, On One Moon, Alone
Scene 1

ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention General Employees, Valued Team Members, and all members of
our Starship Family, due to a recent legislative decision by several squabbling government
bodies, cannibalism has now become legal. Your employer would like to remind you that the
consumption of any Employee, Valued Team Member, and/or member of our Starship Family is
strictly prohibited, and will be punished by the reception of up to 3 official demerits. Remember,
just because you CAN-ibalism, doesn’t mean you SHOULD-ibalism. Happiness is productivity.

There is a slightly-too-long pause while we listen to the sounds of an office on a Thursday
afternoon that refuses to die. There is some vague vaporwave-y music in the background.
Perfect time for a nap.

JONAS: (JONAS’ voice is like a slightly jarring ASMR - very close to BETHANY’s ear) Bethany?

BETHANY: Holy caretaker of the starship in my third rectum, Jonas, why are you so close?

JONAS: Did I interrupt? I was going for polite and understated.

BETHANY: Jonas I will requisition a bell to keep track of you and staple it to your face, I swear I
will.

JONAS: My bad, my bad. You just looked so into what you were doing, I had a feeling like I
shouldn’t interrupt.

BETHANY: And yet…

JONAS: The feeling passed when I saw you had the EBI folder open. Reliving past glory?

BETHANY: Look, it’s a long afternoon, we got things done, I flipped through a couple old entries,
added a little thing. No big deal.

JONAS: Really, you added something?

BETHANY: Nothing big or anything, just something that stuck in my head as I was collating
appraisal data from the last couple of weeks. Figured I’d just write it down quick, why not, and
then I just started flipping. And then you appeared like a nightmare incarnate and I saw half a
dozen visions of my death I wasn’t crazy about and two or three I could live with.

JONAS: I said I was sorry, you fragile creature, you. Get your pedipalps in order. How much
Black Goo have you had today?

BETHANY: All of it.

JONAS: That sounds bad. And that’s me saying that, so, you know, take that however you will, I
guess.

BETHANY: I cut it a little with hallway grease, hop off my back will ya? Look, I’m really backing
off the meds and I just need a little something for my mouth to do, you know?

JONAS: Hey, whatever excuse you want, I’m no judge. So what’d you add?

BETHANY: Here, you can just have the whole thing, I’m pretty much finished.

JONAS: No, come on, tell me.

BETHANY: I just wrote it all down…. What’s the point of writing it all down if you won’t even read
it?

JONAS: Fine, give it here.

A pause. The vaporwave starts to fade back in very softly before it is cut off abruptly by JONAS
dropping the EBI on BETHANY’s desk.

JONAS: What is this?

BETHANY: What are you doing? If that mug was still full this whole place would be on fire!

JONAS: Look at it and tell me you don’t see anything wrong.

BETHANY: It’s a story in the EBI you maniac, what do you want?

JONAS: Yeah, that’s all it is. A story. A bare-bones, bland, completely factual retelling of the
events as they transpired. Placed at the very end.

BETHANY: Yeah. And?

JONAS: It doesn’t even have a title.

BETHANY: It has a title!

JONAS: (Insert Galactic Standard Coordinates After You Look Them Up) isn’t a title, it’s a selfish to-do list. And a pretty sad one at that.

BETHANY: What is the deal here?

JONAS: Do you know how long I spent updating and reorganizing the folder? Wait, let me
answer that for you actually - no, you don’t. Because sometimes I would work on it when I was
supposed to be doing actual work, or I would sneak it out of here to work on it in my quarters.
So yeah, however long you think, why don’t you just go ahead and multiply that by about 2 or 3
okay?

BETHANY: I…I am so lost right now…are you reprimanding me?

JONAS: I am incensed, Bethany! I am vexed! I am frustrated at work right now, that’s what
you’re looking at!

BETHANY: Did you look up those words just to reprimand me?

JONAS: That’s neither here nor there!

BETHANY: Uh huh. And this is my fault?

JONAS: Well it’s sure not mine, I can tell you that.

BETHANY: This is a new one, Jonas, after all this time, this is a new one.

JONAS: I ask for so little -

BETHANY: That’s not true.

JONAS: -compared to what I actually desire, I ask for so little, and yet here we are.

Small pause.

BETHANY: Yep.

JONAS: And how do you feel?

BETHANY: Confused, mostly. And like I should get back to some paperwork. I’m not totally sure
for what, but I’m sure something needs to be filed or stored or collated or shredded or
something.

JONAS: I worked so hard on that, Bethany.

BETHANY: We all make mistakes, Jonas.

JONAS: Well if that’s how you feel about it then fine.

BETHANY: Fine.

JONAS: You know I’ve done things for you.

BETHANY: I’m sure you have.

JONAS: I’ve made sacrifices. I’ve changed.

BETHANY: And we’re all very grateful for what you’ve done.

JONAS: And you can’t even try. You can’t even put in a title. That really says it all. Wait, no it
doesn’t, because “all” would include a title!

BETHANY: If you don’t want the story in, get rid of it. Even the best story isn’t worth… whatever
is going on here.

JONAS: Oh we’re well beyond the story, Bethany. Well beyond it.

Small pause.

BETHANY: Well that was ominous.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention all crew localized to the starboard hull, specifically near the
Demeritization Board Halls, a recent shipment of anticoagulants has been delivered to you
labeled as partial coagulants. Please commence a thorough and communal coagulation check.
Thank you for your cooperation. Happiness is productivity, despite the current coagulation level
of your immediate surroundings.

Scene 2

Fade in. Morning office sounds.

JONAS: (Entering with a yawn) Morning, Bethany. How goes it?

BETHANY: You are very late.

JONAS: Am I? Ah well. You know how these things and all that and the other stuff.

Small pause.

BETHANY: (Suspicious.) Uh huh… Are you wearing a hat?

JONAS: I’m wearing three hats.

BETHANY: Against regulation and you know it, take ‘em off and put ‘em by the ferns.

JONAS: Oh is it? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were such sticklers for details down here. That’s
my bad.

BETHANY: Okay, I get it, thank you Jonas, I’ve been scolded heavily now.

JONAS: Well, we all make mistakes, Bethany.

BETHANY: It’s just removing some hats, Jonas.

JONAS: Look, Bethany, if you don’t like the hats get rid of them, even the best hat isn’t
worth…whatever is going on here.

BETHANY: We’re really doing this?

JONAS: I don’t know what you mean. Besides, I feel like I should probably get back to some
paperwork. I’m not totally sure for what, but I’m sure something needs to be filed or stored or
collated or shredded or something.

BETHANY: Did you memorize our whole conversation?

Pause.

BETHANY: You know what, fine. The silent treatment is the most professional thing that’s
happened so far today, I’ll take it.

Pause.

BETHANY: Jonas.

Pause.

BETHANY: Jonas, come on.

Pause.

BETHANY: Jonas you can ignore me or you can keep the hats on but you can’t do both.

Pause.

BETHANY: Jonas.

Pause.

BETHANY: Jonas so help me I will pull rank, do you hear me? I will requisition a demerit, I mean
it!

Pause.

BETHANY: Okay, okay, fine, but don’t gimme all that attitude when it happens because you
knew it was coming, you absolutely did, you heard me say very clearly right here and right now,
Jonas this is your last chance!

Pause.

BETHANY: Jonas you will look at me when I am talking to you, I am a superior – I am a - I’m a –

BETHANY’s line devolves into a series of hitching breaths that are clearly holding back tears. A
sniffle, then another. More breathing. Possible hyperventilating.

JONAS: (Softly) Hey…hey now…okay…yeah, let’s just, why don’t you sit down, huh?

We hear the sound of BETHANY getting their breathing under control. It takes a bit longer than
one might want but eventually it happens.

JONAS: I know you’re not looking at me, but I took off the hats.

BETHANY: Thank you, Jonas.

JONAS: Are you okay?

BETHANY: I don’t know, Jonas.

JONAS: Okay. Um, I’m here, if you need me.

Pause. The vaporwave begins to play again but a little more unsettling - a la demerol by
sunsetcorp. It cuts off immediately as Bethany speaks again.

Scene 2.1

BETHANY: Jonas, would you do me a favor?

JONAS: Yeah, sure.

BETHANY: Can we pretend something?

JONAS: Yeah, I guess so.

BETHANY: Can we pretend that everything is fine and that I just found that story? Can we
pretend that this didn’t just happen?

JONAS: Are you sure?

BETHANY: Can we, please?

JONAS: Um, yeah.

BETHANY: Where’s the EBI?

JONAS: Here, hold on.

A thump as the EBI is set on the desk.

BETHANY: Alright, gimme a second.

Flipping pages.

JONAS: You’re okay, right?

BETHANY: So, about a week and a half ago we were speeding through the Beta Minor system,
right? The one with the double star?

JONAS: (Deciding to play along. ) Yeah…yeah, yeah, sure I do. Where the gravity got all weird
for a bit?

BETHANY: Yeah, that’s the one. It was like working on the side of a slope all shift, remember?

JONAS: Remember? I’m still sore… That was ridiculous…

BETHANY: Oh, you just wait. So we pick up the 2nd planet out, remember, good source of
water, crazy heavy metal deposits near the poles, a good incorporation target. So we get lined
up, go through the process, everything goes according to plan, scanners are going over every
inch of space it occupied to make sure we’re not leaving material, you know the drill. We left the
moon, though, they didn’t want to filter that amount of uranium out of all the water in the core,
you know how it goes. Tech stuff, red tape.

JONAS: Seems like a normal incorporation to me.

BETHANY: Absolutely. 100% normal. But our scanner doesn’t shut off until we do our next jump,
right?

JONAS: This is the first time I’ve ever heard that we have a scanner.

BETHANY: Really?

JONAS: I’m working on a theory where everything I’m not specifically thinking about ceases to
exist.

BETHANY: You know that if you’re working in unshielded areas when the scanner is on...well...it
can cause some...abnormalities.

JONAS: But I won’t think about that.

BETHANY: You know, it’s probably not even important to get into right now. Just keep track of
your shedding schedule, and if it speeds up by more than a year or two, I’d get it checked out.

JONAS: Just in the Med-bay?

BETHANY: That’s an option, but you’ll get some sort of punishment for not following protocol
and causing the company to have to use medical resources on you. You could also just try a
remedy from another crew member.

JONAS: Does that work?

BETHANY: Nope, but it’s sure cheaper.

JONAS: Wow. Who knew?

BETHANY: Of course, I’ve also seen it result in immediate pain and a long, drawn out, death.
But it’s like anything, you take your chances. Anyways, second planet out, just incorporated.
This planet had sentience. Pretty advanced too. Not too much longer in the grand scheme and
all that and they would’ve been too far gone for us to take.

JONAS: Okay, doesn’t seem that weird.

BETHANY: They had a moon.

JONAS: ...still not that weird…

BETHANY: They had recently sent a few probes into space.

JONAS: ...still...mostly normal....

BETHANY: Just beginning a space program with the goal of putting one of their own on their
moon.

JONAS: Oh no…

BETHANY: Oh yeah.

JONAS: We didn’t…

BETHANY: We most certainly did.

JONAS: That's terrible…

BETHANY: Can you imagine it? One minute this little being is the greatest thing to ever happen
to it’s planet, it’s pushed science further than it’s ever gone before, and suddenly, zooop. No
more planet. I mean, you gotta hope the little thing was looking when it happened, right?

JONAS: Do you?

BETHANY: Or is it better if the thing is asleep and it just wakes up the next day, looks out the
window and goes, “now where the heck did that go?”.

JONAS: Oh, that’d mess with your mind for sure.

BETHANY: Right? Think of the conspiracies that would run through your head. ‘Did...did they
send me all the way to the moon just to...leave? What the heck did I do?’

JONAS: Did the creature have to respirate?

BETHANY: Um, I think so, yeah.

JONAS: What was it breathing?

BETHANY: It was a liquid I think, replenished to the correct chemical balance by a tank on the
back.

JONAS: Bipedal?

BETHANY: Maybe? I didn’t check.

JONAS: Not so different from how we started.

BETHANY: You have such a soft spot for early biological sentience.

JONAS: Come on, it’s kinda sweet.

BETHANY: Nah.

JONAS: It’s special! A little thing we have in common. Creatures stepping out to the moon.
Exploring space. Come on, engage your compassion gland.

BETHANY: It’s not special, it’s what every space-civilization does. That’s what you do. If you’ve
got a moon, you go to it. It’s the closest thing. Why would you shoot for a different planet when
you’ve got a moon right there?

Small pause.

JONAS: Style points?

BETHANY: Alright, fair, I can give you that, but that’s gotta be rare.

JONAS: Yeah, true…

BETHANY: Our species’ path to the stars was dirt common, Jonas. I’ve thought about it a lot
before, and probably the best thing our species ever had going for it was the fact that we never
ran into something like us. Not before we were too big to just blink out of existence.

Pause.
Scene 2.2

JONAS: What do you think you’d do if you were that creature on the moon?

BETHANY: And my planet had just disappeared with a big zooop?

JONAS: Yeah. What’s the first thing you do?

BETHANY: Empty the waste removal system on my suit. It’s gonna be full.

JONAS: Bethany, come on…

BETHANY: You asked! What, you’re telling me your sphincter would be unphased by your
planet disappearing?

JONAS: I’m not saying that --

BETHANY: That’s right you’re not, you’d expel so fast you’d blow a hole clear through to the
outside and you wouldn’t have time to do anything.

JONAS: But I’d die relieved.

BETHANY: Better than the alternative, I suppose.

JONAS: But seriously, though.

BETHANY: I don’t know, what can you do? Either hang out until your life support fails or
deliberately sabotage it and take yourself on out. Pick one. If you don’t like it, try the other.

JONAS: I think I’d try to make something.

BETHANY: Like what? Like keep doing whatever experiment or measurements you were doing
before?

JONAS: No, like make a picture or something. In the dust or the dirt or whatever it was on the
moon. A nice little pattern. Or maybe just write my name. Write a note. Something. You
wouldn’t?

BETHANY: I doubt it. Not much point.

JONAS: Well, there doesn’t need to be much point, does there? Not when your planet has
already been zoooop-ed out of existence. Just do it to do it.

BETHANY: But...I don’t know...it’s just so meaningless…

JONAS: Yeah, but you still have to do stuff even when it's meaningless.

Small pause.

BETHANY: Well if that’s not a clear indication of personal growth I don’t know what is.

JONAS: That’s life, right? I mean, at the end of it all we’re not going to make a difference in the
universe, good or bad. That’s that whole functional infinity thing. Other stuff is so big, it makes
us not matter. Which sucks. But also doesn’t, because it gives us a weird freedom to do and
care about whatever we want.

BETHANY: Jonas have you been adding things to your Black Goo again?

JONAS: What, I have one deep thought and now all of a sudden I’m “being poisoned by Black
Goo additives” and I’m “finding it hard to stay focused on daily tasks due to the new whispers in
the back of my head”? Come on, get real.

Small pause.

BETHANY: How long do you think that alien lasted?

JONAS: I don’t know. How advanced was the species? What quality was their tech?

BETHANY: Not the best. Not a lot of different biomes on their planet, so they didn’t have much
atmospheric containment knowledge to draw on.

JONAS: Not long then.

BETHANY: Yeah, probably not long.

JONAS: Hours. Maybe a couple days, but that’s a stretch.

BETHANY: Probably better. You don’t want to starve or dehydrate. Better to just get it done
quick.

Small pause.

JONAS: You think it made a picture or wrote down something, or anything like that?

BETHANY: It’s possible, I guess.

JONAS: I’ll betcha it did. You don’t get to be the first of your species to go into outer space and
land on something that isn’t your planet if you’ve got the kind of mind that’s just gonna give up
and lay down when their planet is unexpectedly incorporated. It must’ve done something.

BETHANY: Yeah, explorer-types are pretty mentally resilient, I think 67% more than the average
being of the same species. I read that on an advertisement for some alcoholic stimulant or
something, I think.

JONAS: Huh.

BETHANY: Huh.

Pause.

BETHANY: Good talk, Jonas.

Fade out.

ANNOUNCEMENT: Tiamo from Hospitality Waste Management Training, repeat, Tiamo from
Hospitality Waste Management Training, the financial institution has just sold your children at a
loss and have used our announcement system to declare their intention of reclaiming the debt
from you. Please go directly to the Lower Accounting Offices at the end of your shift to discuss
payroll deduction and remember, productivity is happiness, not family, and of course, happiness
is productivity.

Scene 3

Fade in.

JONAS: Hey Bethany.

BETHANY: Hey Jonas.

JONAS: Guess who bribed one of the targeting scanners into getting me more info on your
moon-stranded alien?

BETHANY: I’m gonna guess you?

JONAS: And you would guess right.

BETHANY: The targeting scanners make so much more than we do, how much did you spend
to bribe them?

JONAS: You know, I just feel like I’ve already done this work and it was a success, so does the
method really --

BETHANY: Jonas…

JONAS: (With a sigh.) So...I might’ve...let them record...me...placing a couple of my tentacles
into a little plastic sack with a bunch of this oily runoff stuff that collects around the bottom of the
pipes, and they just wanted me to, you know, wriggle them around a bit. For the sounds.

Pause.

BETHANY: Okay, I want to come at this without a lot of judgment…

JONAS: I appreciate that, thank you.

BETHANY: That being said, I’ve got a question.

JONAS: I...thought...you might.

BETHANY: So when this video inevitably gets passed around--

JONAS: Oh, no video. They promised it was only sound.

BETHANY: And I think it’s very sweet of you to believe them, but when this does get passed
around, because it will, do you have a plan?

JONAS: Not think about it?

BETHANY: Okay. None of my business, just putting it out there. Did you find out anything
interesting? Hope it was worth the price.

JONAS: It’s definitely interesting. Not exactly what we were talking about, but...yeah, I’d say it’s
interesting.

BETHANY: Then toss that data down and let’s check it out.

JONAS: Oh, I didn’t get to keep a file of it. Just look at it. The Targeting Scanner, they said that
they could get in a lot of trouble and it’d be a really embarrassing situation for them if anybody
figured out they did that for me. So I’ve got the story, I know what happened, I took some notes,
I just don’t have the data.

BETHANY: And you didn’t want to point out that it might be a troublesome and embarrassing
situation for you if the video --

JONAS: Audio! And it doesn’t exist because I’m un-thinking it out of existence!

BETHANY: --yeah fine, if the “audio” ended up being “heard” by anyone else?

JONAS: No. Is that relevant?

BETHANY: I...You know, I suppose not. Forget it. I’ve been in suspense long enough. What
happened to the alien on the moon?

JONAS: Not...not a ton.

BETHANY: What, no huge artistic accomplishments as the life support faded? No beautiful
poetry? The end of life as experienced by somebody with such unimaginable context to the
destructive and cold power of the universe at large all distilled through the lens of one
insignificant creature needing to express itself?

JONAS: No, no not really.

BETHANY: Oh. Well that’s kinda disappointing. I was hoping there’d be something at least.

JONAS: I mean, there was definitely something.

Small pause.

BETHANY: Well?

JONAS: It’s not...or, well, no, how can I put this...it’s a little…..what’s the opposite of
inspirational?

BETHANY: Oh, it just got really sad or something?

JONAS: Emotions weren’t exactly clear, but all it did was sit down and write out a note on a little
flat pad-type thing it had. Then it snipped off its life support, heaved it as far as it could, and took
off sprinting in the other direction. Died trying to find it again. Weird way to do it, but, hey, each
to their own.

BETHANY: What was in the note?

JONAS: It just said “serves you right”.

BETHANY: Oh.

JONAS: Yeah, that’s kinda what I said. “Oh.” More of the, uh, data, from that planet has been
compiled and run through a couple different correlation cycles and, yeah. It looks like they chose
the subjects for their space flight program based on how annoying the population found them,
so if something went wrong the loss of life would be acceptable. This was apparently the first
rocket that had ever made it out of the atmosphere. There was actually a conspiracy theory on
the planet where people believed that the entire purpose of having a space agency was so they
could strap irritating people into rockets and blow them up.

BETHANY: I have never heard of something like that before. That’s insane.

JONAS: I’m inclined to believe it myself. The ship that brought the alien to the moon didn’t even
have any way to communicate with the planet once it was that far away, and it was incredibly
lucky to have landed as well on the surface as it did. Bunch of things must’ve just lined up in the
right way.

BETHANY: And you’re telling me they actually told the pilots that the reason they were chosen
was because they annoyed people?

JONAS: Oh yeah, apparently it was super public. It was the only democratic process on the
whole planet, actually. Mandatory participation.

BETHANY: That’s harsh.

JONAS: Yeah, that’s...yeah.

Pause.

BETHANY: “The Irritating Star-Child”.

JONAS: What?

BETHANY: For a title. “The Irritating Star-Child”.

JONAS: You wanna give it a title, huh?

BETHANY: Yeah, I mean, a lot of work went into that story. If it’s, you know, if it’s worth putting in
the EBI, maybe it deserves a title too.

JONAS: Alright, I’ll get a pen.

Small pause.

JONAS: Hey, can I ask you a random question that doesn’t have to do with anything in
particular?

BETHANY: Sure.

JONAS: You doing okay?

BETHANY: Living the dream Jonas. Just like every day.

The comfy vaporwave fades back in and carries us to the credits.

END.

Credits
LEAH: (With a bit more humanity than the Announcement voice :) )
Episode 15: One Alien, One One Moon, Alone, was written, produced, and edited by Monte D.  Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe.
Allyson Levine voices the character of Bethany.
Raimy O. Washington voices the character of Jonas. 
Ellis Macmillan is the Robo-Archivist.
As always, I’m Leah Cardenas, and I read the ship announcements as well as the credits. 
Everybody at inc: The Podcast would like to say thank you for your continued support, and encourage you to compete with your friends to see who can post the most accurate guess for how this season will end in the review section of your particular podcast platform. If somebody absolutely nails it we’ll try to do something special for them in the future, maybe even a cameo in an upcoming episode…
Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, that’s @ I-N-C the podcast.

inc is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.

Happiness is productivity.

Productivity is happiness.