1-17 Review Bombing

In which Jonas gets reviewed and Bethany assists in picking up the pieces.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as the Technician and the Spokesperson
Joe Hanson as Captain Star-Ration et al  
Katie Ploetz as the Sequel Trailer  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

17. Review Bombing Final
ANNOUNCEMENT: ...and yes, while it is technically true that there has been a slight neon leak
into some of the sleeping quarters on one and/or both side and/or sides of the ship, it is also
true that under section 47-17-09 of your most recent Employee Rights Contract it clearly states
that you, not the company or the ship, are responsible for keeping your personal areas chemical
free. Therefore, until every trace of neon is cleaned from those areas, the medical wing will not
be accepting insurance claims for any chemical inhalant related issues. The cleanup is
scheduled to begin in 11-13 business days.
Furthermore, the end of the month is approaching, and performance reviews for all of
our trainee staff will take place, randomly, within the next three days. A reminder, assisting any
and all trainee staff with preparing for this review, including building up, well wishing, coaching,
and/or supporting in general, can and will result in strict penalties applied to both parties.
And from all of us here at the announcement office, who are collectively making a
generalized effort to be more personable as an office, we’d just like to say a friendly, “please
return to work, or you will be punished.” Thank you. Happiness is productivity.
Fade in. Generalized typing.
BETHANY: Do you have XJ-1124.
JONAS: XJ...XJ...XJ...KB...QR...NO… Hey, there we go, XJ-1124.
BETHANY: What’s it say?
JONAS: Memory corrupted please dispose.
BETHANY: Trash it.
JONAS: It’s not trashing.
BETHANY: Trash it again.
JONAS: I did. It just popped up a little window. Says, “Ability to dispose corrupted, please
dispose.”
BETHANY: That's not good.
JONAS: See, this is why I hate end of the month memory info cleanup. It’s always something
like this. I don’t know what I’m more annoyed about, the fact that we can’t get any work done, or
the fact that something in this department manages to work less than I do.
BETHANY: Just how it goes, I guess. I’ll call a tech.
JONAS: Oh, and now we need a tech? We can’t even fix it ourselves this time?
BETHANY: Not unless you suddenly know how to fix corrupted memorial disposal software.
A pause. A clonk.
BETHANY: Jonas?
JONAS: Yeah?
BETHANY: We’ve talked about kicking the computers.
JONAS: But we haven’t talked about it enough for me to stop.
BETHANY: I’ll call the tech, then.
JONAS: (With a sigh.) This is gonna take a very long time, isn’t it?
BETHANY: Even longer if you get another hardware kicking lecture, so be good.
Fade out.
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION SPOKESPERSON: Creatures and workers of the ship, prepare to
have your auditory system tantalized with another brief adventure of Captain Star-Ration and
their sidekick, Processor Bot Program #3!
We join our intrepid heroes just sitting down to brunch with the enlisted creatures of an
average working ship, a ship very much like yours, which Captain Star-Ration has just saved
from the evils of Planetside Produce and their Dirt-Grown Miscreant gang.
ENLISTED 1: Gee good golly gosh Captain Star-Ration, I truly thought I’d never get away from
that gang of disgusting hippies! Eating all that food growing in the dirt and grime of planetary soil
must’ve scrambled their brains something good!
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION: You can say that again, my friend in uniform, but never fear. They’re
gone now, and I have a feeling they’ll think twice before trying to board this vessel again.
ENLISTED 2: I just wish we had some way to say thank you for all you’ve done for us, Captain
Star-Ration. Just to show our appreciation.
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION: A good meal and the company of a good crew are all the thanks a
Captain needs, don’t you worry.
There is the sound of running feet and a new enlisted bursts in.
ENLISTED 3: It’s a disaster, oh my gosh, oh goodness, it’s an absolute disaster!
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION: Why, what’s the matter, valued ship employee?
ENLISTED 3: It’s the rations Captain, they’ve gone floppy and limp!
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION: Floppy and limp, eh? I thought you told me the Culinary Department
on this ship only used Captain Star-Ration Star-Brand Rations?!
ENLISTED 3: I thought they did, Captain, honest!
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION: Don’t you lie to me! Captain Star-Ration’s Star-Brand Rations never
go floppy and limp! Never! Processor Bot Program #3, give me my gun!
ENLISTED 2: Captain Star-Ration, no! You can’t!
Several gunshots are heard. Screams. Mayhem.
CAPTAIN STAR-RATION SPOKESPERSON: Join us next week for another brief adventure of
Captain Star-Ration and their sidekick, Processor Bot Program #3, and in the meantime, when
you choose a ration, make it Captain Star-Ration’s Star-Brand Rations, because the next ship
Captain Star-Ration finds themself on could be yours!.
Fade in.
TECHNICIAN: …so you see, it’s really quite a simple matter once you know how these babies
like to talk to you. They’re fiddly and hateful, but you know, it’s a job. I’m sure spending all day
long fighting with antique and hostile software won’t have any long term mental effects. Least
that’s what they’ve told me to say. They also said I tend to talk a lot. Hey, either of you hear that
announcement this morning about the reviews?
BETHANY: Oh yeah.
JONAS: No, I vowed not to listen to announcements. All they do is stress me out.
TECHNICIAN: Ah, geez, ain’t you a trainee, though?
JONAS: Yeah, but don’t let that affect what you’re thinking, it’s only until the end of this month!
Small pause.
TECHNICIAN: This one has been drinking printer ink, huh?
JONAS: That was personal ink!
BETHANY: You’re not as wrong as I want you to be.
TECHNICIAN: You the supervisor?
BETHANY: Only unwillingly.
TECHNICIAN: Well you better get them up to speed, and fast, I hear they like to start with the
bottom feeders first, and let’s just say it like it is, you’re not exactly highbrow down here, are
you?
JONAS: Do you understand anything this weirdo is saying?
BETHANY: Oh yeah, I’ve worked with technicians before. Are we good to go here?
TECHNICIAN: Fit as a pickle in a trickle of water.
BETHANY: Thanks for your help.
TECHNICIAN: Don’t you mention it, you just get the newbie there straightened out, or they’re
gonna run their newbie rear end ragged in there.
JONAS: And I’m the newbie, right?
TECHNICIAN: There you go, you’re getting it. As for you, I don’t envy your life.
BETHANY: Hey, no worries, nobody else does either. Thanks for the help.
TECHNICIAN: Don’t mention it. Unless you’re summoned to give testimony at an Official
Feedback Hearing. In that case absolutely mention it, as my life could be in your tentacles.
BETHANY: Can do.
Small pause.
JONAS: So that was a technician, huh?
BETHANY: Yeah, they’re a strange breed. They were right, though, you ought to be prepared for
your review.
JONAS: Eh, this is one of the lowest importance jobs on the entire ship, how much could they
care?
BETHANY: They don’t care what your job is, they just care that you’re doing it like they want.
JONAS: Which for all they know I am, right?
BETHANY: For the most part, (trash these duplicate files ending in A113 as well, we don’t need
them), but it’s not enough that you do the job. You have to prove you’re doing the job. Justify
why the job should exist at all. Jump through all these little hoops. And every time you stumble
they’ll use it as a reason to withhold a promotion, downgrade your salary, laugh in your face,
revoke fingernail privileges, things like that.
JONAS: Geez, this is a little one here, BEI-3487. What’s BEI?
BETHANY: We don’t have a BEI designation for anything. Is it corrupted?
JONAS: Doesn’t seem to be.
BETHANY: Pause the queue then and open it up. Let’s see.
Small pause.
JONAS: Oh, it’s a typo. Somebody mis-abbreviated Extraneous But Interesting. It’s a draft of a
story! That’s pretty neat, let’s get it printed out and stuck in.
BETHANY: It’s not formatted the same, Jonas, we don’t have time for that. You definitely don’t
have time for that, since you should be getting ready for your review.
JONAS: Well we can’t just delete it, it’s a piece of history.
BETHANY: Technically all these files here are pieces of history, why didn’t you make a fuss
about those?
JONAS: Those are pieces of boring history I don’t care about, this one I do.
BETHANY: Look at the number attached to it, Jonas. It’s 3487. The Extraneous But Interesting
Folder, which I am regretting telling you about more and more as time goes by, has millions of
little stories in it. This one can go missing.
JONAS: But that’s just why it can’t! It’s a part of the earliest history of the folder. This is, like, the
first half of a percent of the folder itself.
BETHANY: It’s one story out of millions, it’ll never be missed. And we’re taking too much time
with this now. We’ve got stuff to do. Trash it and let’s move on.
JONAS: We don’t even get to read it?
BETHANY: Time, Jonas, time.
JONAS: Oh, but that’s gonna drive me crazy.
BETHANY: That’s too bad.
JONAS: It’s probably all I’ll be able to think about.
BETHANY: Shame.
JONAS: Probably won’t be much good at working…
BETHANY: What’s new?
JONAS: Probably will just keep talking about it…like this…which might get a little
annoying…although not everybody feels that way I suppose…
BETHANY: Are you determined to bomb your review and get on my last nerve? Because you’re
going the right way about it and your multitasking is very impressive.
JONAS: Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
BETHANY: Right back atcha, my soon-to-be-badly-reviewed friend. Re-format it if you want, just
don’t be upset in the future.
JONAS: The future doesn’t exist, Bethany, it never has and it never will.
BETHANY: You’re allowed to philosophize or re-format, but not both.
JONAS: That’s fair.
Small silence.
JONAS: I thought you’d be excited.
BETHANY: We’re all wrong sometimes.
JONAS: Sometimes I wonder why you even told me about the folder.
BETHANY: You found it and asked me about it, if I remember correctly. Don’t make me a
catalyst here, I’m exclusively reactive.
JONAS: Oh. Well sometimes I think you regret talking to me about it.
BETHANY: You’re not wrong.
JONAS: And sometimes I get a little suspicious.
BETHANY: Do you?
JONAS: I do. I get a little suspicious about what you might do to the folder if you get too
regretful about it.
BETHANY: Jonas, reformatting might be very simple, if time consuming, but I’m actually trying
to focus on something a little more complicated here. Why don’t you just say what you wanna
say, huh?
JONAS: Fine. I think you might get rid of the folder someday.
BETHANY: Really?
JONAS: Yeah, really.
BETHANY: You think that you, exclusively, are responsible for making me so annoyed with the
folder that I would destroy it, despite it being one of the things on this ship I cherish most, up to
and including a vast majority of the crew?
JONAS: Yes.
BETHANY: Go study, Jonas. Work and study. You can worry about the impossible later.
Small pause.
JONAS: Jokes on you, I can worry and work at the same time.
Fade out.
TRAILER VOICE: Supervisors, middle management, regular worker drones, employees of all
status and importance, this is your final warning, time is running very short…to catch this work
period's most hilarious -
Canned comedy noises.
TRAILER VOICE: Most dramatic -
Sobbing.
TRAILER VOICE: And most loved cinematic experience of the work period. Sequel!
Fanfare.
TRAILER VOICE: That’s right, we’ve done it again. We’ve taken something artistic and
personally meaningful to you, ripped the characters out, negated the entire ending of the first
film, brought in a team of unhappy writers, and have churned out nearly 83 minutes of
semi-passable visual entertainment! What is it a sequel to, you might be asking? Yes is the
answer! We’ve got all your favorite characters, like, gruff parental figure with a heart of gold.
GRUFF PARENTAL FIGURE: When…when Deborah finally passed I thought a light had gone
out inside me and I would forever live in darkness. But you…you pushed the darkness back. My
child… You…you are the light of my life.
TRAILER VOICE: Murderous gang leader that is somehow intimidating despite the fact that
they’re half the size of all their henchmen.
GANG LEADER: These thugs aren’t here to protect me. They’re here to clean up after I get
through with you.
TRAILER: Small child that always seems to have a one-liner at the ready, but still delivers it
awkwardly because it’s a small child and they’re terrible at acting.
SMALL CHILD: (Awkwardly.) Risky? I thought you said, “whiskey”!
General laughter.
TRAILER VOICE: And many more! We know you have limited amount of free time to spend
being entertained, so why gamble on enjoying something new, when you can get the surefire
satisfaction of watching Sequel! Remember, it’s not amazing, but it is familiar. Sequel.
Everybody else is seeing it, you might as well too.
Fade in.
BETHANY: …and with that there, I think that might actually be it. Alright. It’s unimportant, it’s
mind-numbing, there’s probably a feature in the program itself that would allow all this to happen
automatically, but at least it’s done. It’s amazing how much work a person can accomplish when
they’re left – hey, speak of the robo-devil, welcome finally.
JONAS: (Depressed.) Hi, Bethany.
BETHANY: I was wondering where you were, you’re pretty late. Thought you might have gone
to medical for something.
JONAS: Only if they can fix being useless.
BETHANY: They do lobotomies now, I hear. Not too expensive either. Couldn’t hurt to try.
JONAS: You’d need a brain for that, and obviously I don’t have one.
BETHANY: What’s all this? No banter? No back and forth? It’s not fun insulting you if you take it
seriously, Jonas, don’t ruin my hobby.
JONAS: I’m sorry.
Awkward silence.
BETHANY: Alright, you’re actually starting to worry me here, what’s going on?
JONAS: My review.
BETHANY: Bad?
JONAS: They brought out a thesaurus because they ran out of synonyms for “bad”.
BETHANY: Well….yeah. But you kinda knew that was gonna happen, right?
JONAS: It’s not just that. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s that, but it’s not just that. It’s all of it.
BETHANY: I see. You hate the way the uniform fits around the lower tentacles. Me too, it’s a
common thing.
JONAS: Thanks for trying, Bethany. I’ll just be over here with my ferns. Hi, sweet babies. I’m a
failure, you know that? Your caretaker is a complete failure.
Small pause, maybe a sigh.
BETHANY: Okay that’s the single most depressing thing I’ve seen in this office. Talk to me,
Jonas.
Tiny pause.
JONAS: It’s nothing, it’s fine, I’ll just finish up the project.
BETHANY: I just finished it.
JONAS: Of course you did…
Silence.
BETHANY: Look, it’ll be crappy for a while, you’ll get docked some points, sure, might even
have insurance revoked and pay garnished for a bit, but it won’t last more than a few months.
Maybe five years, tops. That’s not too bad, right?
JONAS: It’s not the punishment or anything like that, you know I don’t really care about job
performance.
BETHANY: Obviously, but go on.
JONAS: It’s just that my caretakers are gonna find out about this eventually. That’s gonna be
terrible.
BETHANY: That’s what you’re worried about? Jonas, they don’t send reports to your caretakers,
you aren’t being educated anymore. Look at me, I haven’t accomplished a single worthy thing in
my life, and aside from you and maybe an overzealous manager-type in my direct chain of
supervisors, nobody has any idea.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention Crewmember Jonas in the General Data Acquisition and Storage
Department, Repeating, attention Crewmember Jonas in the General Data Acquisition and
Storage Department. The following is a collective message from each and every single one of
your caretakers, quote, “We are all incredibly disappointed in you and wanted to make that clear
in the most public way we could. End quote. Repeating collective message from your
caretakers, quote, “We are all incredibly disappointed in you and wanted to make that clear in
the most public way we could. End quote.
Small pause.
ANNOUNCEMENT: Happiness is Productivity.
Silence.
BETHANY: You know how sometimes it takes a while for you to find out you were wrong about
something? This is not one of those times.
JONAS: And now I’m not only a failure, I’m a public failure. Awesome. Good day. Go me.
JONAS lets out a very depressed cheer.
BETHANY: Hey now, it’s not that ba–.......well, no, I guess it is that bad, but you’ll get through it.
JONAS: I’m a laughingstock.
BETHANY: I’m not laughing at you.
JONAS: That’s only because you’re constantly annoyed by my presence, it doesn’t count.
BETHANY: Jonas, this isn’t a time to be turning away the companionship of people who tolerate
you, it may be all you have.
JONAS: I’m surprised you don’t work in medical with a bedside manner like that.
BETHANY: There ya go, if you distract yourself enough with work and cover your emotions with
a thin veil of humor like that, you’ll be back to living life in no time!
JONAS: I hate myself.
BETHANY: That’s actually perfect, because it’s a very unhealthy life to live. I wouldn’t
recommend it for anybody who actually liked themselves. That’d be irresponsible.
Silence.
BETHANY: Oh come on now, don’t make me do it.
More silence.
BETHANY: You know how much I hate it.
Even more silence.
BETHANY: You’re really gonna make me, huh? Fine. In all seriousness, from the bottom of my
heart, honestly, Jonas, I’m glad I have you as a coworker. You don’t actually make my days
worse, and even when you get on my nerves, it’s better - in general - than not having you
around.
JONAS: (With a sniffle.) Bethany… You really mean it?
BETHANY: I’ve told you before, I don’t like people leaking emotional fluids around me, and
you’re very soggy, so I must like you Jonas, or I wouldn’t be here right now.
JONAS: Thanks… I just hate being embarrassed. I’m fine with being a failure, obviously, it just
sucks that everybody knows it. It’s gonna be a terrible walk to the cafeteria tonight.
BETHANY: Yeah, but that’s later. You still have a whole shift before that. And I’ve known you
were a failure from the beginning and obviously I don’t care, so we can just pretend like nothing
has happened this whole time if you want.
JONAS: Is that a real suggestion, or just what you want?
BETHANY: It can be both.
JONAS: I don’t think that’d work.
BETHANY: You just need to take your mind off things.
JONAS: Does that mean…that you might…possibly…be willing…to…maybe…read me out that
story that I transferred over to the EBI?
BETHANY: That’s an option, but let’s explore the possibilities in front of us…
JONAS: No, I like that idea.
BETHANY: Really?
JONAS: Really.
Small pause.
BETHANY: You probably like it more than most other things I could suggest right now, huh?
JONAS: Yup.
BETHANY: Especially things that would take less of my time, right?
JONAS: Most likely.
BETHANY: And how did I get myself into this again?
JONAS: You made a friend.
BETHANY: I knew that was gonna come back to bite me… So. This particular story got found
pretty early. Really early, actually, in the grand scheme of things... You know that. I’m stalling.
Okay. So, you know how during your education you had some class called “Literary Perception”
or “The Subtle Art Of Language”, or something weird like that?
JONAS: Oh yeah, mine was called “Lingual Aptitude”.
BETHANY: That’s horrendous and I’m gonna ask you to never say those words to me again. But
in that class I’ll bet you had to read quite a bit, huh?
JONAS: A little bit, although it was mostly grammar if I’m not mistaken.
BETHANY: Did you ever read The Tragedy Of The Two Families That Didn’t Get Along And
Then Their Offspring Fell In Love?
JONAS: Yup, I remember that one, we had a whole week about the Incredibly Bland But
Accurately Titled Literature Period.
BETHANY: A classic story, right? Two households, dignified, rich, olden times, big clothes, they
hate each other for some reason. Youngest offspring from each family meet each other, fall in
love, are found out, told they can’t see each other, couple of murders happen, offspring
accidentally both kill themselves, families reconcile.
I never particularly liked the story. It’s fine, I didn’t hate it like some of the other students
did, but it didn’t really grab me as this grand examination of romance’s inability to conquer
hatred without abject tragedy. So it was very strange when I came across the data that became
this story, because the planet we just incorporated had a tiny section of a tiny but very wealthy
town, and in that tiny section of the tiny town were two families, both alike in their dignity and
wealth, who had two young children, having recently begun the change into sexual maturity.
JONAS: Ugh. That’s a terrible time, for any species.
BETHANY: You know, I actually heard a rumor once that one of the only constants in the entire
universe is that species that don’t reproduce asexually or are not born able to reproduce
generally detest the change into sexual maturity.
JONAS: Really?
BETHANY: No, but it’s one of those things that kinda sounds true, right?
JONAS: Yeah, I’d bet you could convince somebody of that.
BETHANY: So I’m reading this data, kinda not believing what I’m seeing, I was still pretty new at
the time - not used to all the weirdness yet, and it turns out when it’s not fictional, the story
carries a bit more weight. I started thinking about these two little beings, just wanting to love
each other as best as they could, and some ancient grudge that nobody can remember is
making it horrendously difficult for them. Seriously, even our scanners and data miners couldn’t
figure out the reason for these families hating each other. That’s how miniscule and unimportant
whatever happened was. But decades later, it’s still there. If anything, it’s grown.
Have you ever noticed how that happens with fanaticism? The original people are never
as crazy as the ones that come on board later on.
JONAS: Well, if you’re too crazy right away, it’s probably hard to start anything that anybody
else would feel fanatical about, right?
Small pause.
BETHANY: Huh.
JONAS: Either that or beings just naturally tend to feel like they have something to prove if they
feel like they’re the latest to adopt something, so they go overboard.
BETHANY: Did they do something to you during your review? Because that’s two insightful
statements in a row, and that’s…odd…
JONAS: The depression clears parts of the mind and fogs others.
BETHANY: Very poetic, thank you.
JONAS: I’m glad my suffering pleases you.
BETHANY: Uh huh, don’t even start that now. Anyways, these offspring just got to me for some
reason, and so as I’m reading the data I’m worried for them because I figure I know exactly how
this story is gonna end. There’s only one ending that I’d ever heard.
But weirdly enough, that didn’t happen. Everything was going just like I thought it would,
they were making plans to run away with each other, they had even gotten help from a couple of
family friends to do it, but they were still so young for their species. Just barely edging their way
into maturity. They were dumb, is what I’m saying, like most young offspring are. I certainly was.
They got caught. And when I read that, my second stomach just dropped like somebody
was screwing with the gravity for the ship. I just figured, here it goes. Thus begins the tragedy.
There was anger, a large confrontation, almost a giant fight, and then the quieter of the two
offspring just put up one claw, really polite, like they were being educated. It was so unexpected
in the middle of all that chaos that everything kinda stopped for a while, and a sentence was
uttered that was so impactful, it brought peace to the moment.
And they didn’t even stay together very long. They eventually decided that they’d just be
friends, and drifted away from that little settlement. Went around the world, had separate lives,
loved and lost and lived the best they could. But that hopeful phrase that the quiet offspring
uttered was so powerful that the heads of both daily households had it injected into their flesh
with a permanent ink so that they’d never forget it.
And you know the real end of the story. Incorporation. Poof. What’s theirs is ours. And
that was probably the simplest story I ever tried to add to the folder. Badaboom. Feel better?
JONAS: A bit, yeah, but -
BETHANY: I know the question you’re gonna ask.
JONAS: The phrase.
BETHANY: The hopeful phrase.
JONAS: Well, yeah.
BETHANY: Yeah.
Small, meaningful pause.
BETHANY: I liked the story for the simple fact that it showed occasionally things can just work
out well. But I remember the story because it’s the first time I realized that something in the ship
censors the data before we even get it.
JONAS: What do you mean?
BETHANY: I mean what we get isn’t the raw data. Something, probably an A.I., is taking out
things that the company doesn’t want seen.
JONAS: Like what?
BETHANY: In this case it was a sentence about hope. In the past it’s been weapon diagrams, or
urban planning concepts, or music, or the local name of a small beetle. No real pattern that I
can tell.
JONAS: That’s… that’s really sad. I could use a sentence about hope right now.
BETHANY: Yeah, you could. And that’s why they censor things like that. But hey, Jonas. Come
on, look at me. It’ll be okay. It’ll be tough, but it’ll be okay. And through it and on the other side
of it we’ll just keep doing our thing, okay?
Small pause.
JONAS: Sometimes things can just work out, right?
BETHANY: Sometimes, Jonas. Sometimes.
END.