1-20 jonas_re:Birth

In which Jonas has a rather meta discussion with Monte and Alexander.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as the Prison Caregiver  
Joe Hanson as the Fueling Caregiver
Katie Ploetz as the Roommate  
Alice Stilwell  portrayed Monte  
Edward Hoffman voices Alexander  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

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Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

jonas_re:birth
by
Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe
Before the theme music.
MONTE
So what are we going to do about Jonas?
ALEX
Well have you figured out the special little thing you’re going to do for the Jonas episode?
MONTE
Nope.
ALEX
Okay, well then I guess we break it down... Where are we?
MONTE
Right here.
ALEX
In the script?
MONTE
Yeah.
ALEX
The fictional script?
MONTE
Yeah.
JONAS
Hi, I’m Jonas.
MONTE
The last time we heard from Jonas was the holiday special. Where’d we end that?
JONAS
Hi, I’m Jonas and I’m rich.
MONTE
Right. Everyone knows Jonas is rich now.
ALEX
(Sigh.)
Oh yeah, everyone’s got tragic backstory now don’t they?
JONAS
Hi, I’m Jonas, I’m rich, and I have a complicated backstory and also five caregivers.
MONTE
Jonas always looks on the positive side. Let’s start there.
ALEX
Then let’s break this little fellow.
JONAS
Theme music time?
ALEX
Yes Jonas, theme music time.
Theme music, but also maybe Jonas is singing along.
MONTE
So, Jonas, we’re giving Bethany their own episode to explore their backstory and we 
want to do the same thing for you.
JONAS
And mine comes first?
MONTE
No.
ALEX
We’re releasing them on the same day.
JONAS
And mine comes first?
ALEX
No.
MONTE
Yours will be second in the feed.
ALEX
Which means more people are going to listen to it, because of how people listen to things, 
but...
MONTE
Just... Let’s let Bethany go first, okay?
JONAS
But why?
ALEX
We’ve been mean to Bethany for about 20 episodes let them have this one.
MONTE
And the meanness isn’t going to stop there so your episode is second.
JONAS
Do I know all this after this episode is over?
MONTE
I haven’t really decided yet. We’ll find out together! 
Anyways, when we set out to do this, Bethany was very much supposed to be the lead 
character and then you did what you do and now you’re kind of co-leads. So Bethany’s 
episode is going first.
JONAS
I was supposed to be a side character?
ALEX
Yeah, and then you turned out like this, but we’re here now.
MONTE
And we kind of need to say sorry to Bethany, for everything including that, so their tragic 
backstory episode has to come first.
JONAS
Why did you say tragic?
MONTE
Come on, Jonas. We all know why I said tragic.
JONAS
Alex, help me out here.
ALEX
Barking up the wrong tree, bud.
JONAS
Name one tragic thing that ever happened to me.
ALEX
Your caregivers embarrassed you in front of the whole ship. That didn’t come from 
nowhere.
A moment.
JONAS
Is Bethany’s going to be longer?
MONTE
The episode?
JONAS
Yeah.
MONTE
Maybe, but that’s because it’s all monologues.
ALEX
Sorry, Jonas, you have a tragic backstory. And you’re privileged. You get both.
JONAS
Can I counter with just privileged?
ALEX
Can’t buy God, Jonas, can’t buy God.
MONTE
Hey, Alex, can we start with a flashback scene to Jonas’ childhood, if that’s okay, 
structurally?
ALEX
You’re episode not mine, Monte. Just going to flag that we’re “beginning,” two-to-three 
minutes into the episode.
JONAS
Can I vote no?
ALEX
You can certainly try,
MONTE
Okay, let me look at the first draft of this.
Okay. Scene 1.
ALEX
Hey, Monte, do we want to keep, “Scene 1?” It’s kind of “free-flowing” now. 
Structurally.
JONAS
How come Bethany gets monologues and I get this?
MONTE
Fine, I’ll drop it. For structure.
Jonas, you’re at home with one of your caregivers.
ALEX
Which one?
MONTE
You pick.
ALEX
Let’s do the one that works with all the prisons.
JONAS
Oh, please no.
MONTE
Good choice.
JONAS
Bad choice.
ALEX
Or we catch people off guard with the artist one.
JONAS
The prison one is fine, actually.
MONTE
Prison one it is! But I’m going to remember that for later.
JONAS
Please don’t talk about the artist one.
MONTE
You heard Alex, it’s my episode. 
You are at home with one of your caregivers, which didn’t happen very often, and you’re 
also in the same room as them, which happened even more rarely.
ALEX
Okay, four minutes into the show, now we begin.
MONTE
Oh, will youLow, pulsing music.
PRISON CAREGIVER
Stop that.
JONAS
(Young Jonas voice.)
Hmm?
ALEX
The first thing we get from one of Jonas’ Caregivers is negativity.
PRISON CAREGIVER
Stop doing that.
JONAS
Doing what?
MONTE
And then exasperation.
PRISON CAREGIVER
Jonas.
JONAS
Doing what?
ALEX
But no explanation. We’ll save that for a twist.
PRISON CAREGIVER
I’m so tired of you, Jonas.
JONAS
What am I doing?
ALEX
And Jonas is trying so hard to connect with just one fifth of their Caregivers and
PRISON CAREGIVER
Is this how you talk to your other Caregivers, or just me?
ALEX
Nothing. Just a brick wall.
MONTE
But what else can you expect from the prison one?
JONAS
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

PRISON CAREGIVER
The five of us work very hard to provide for you and your siblings. We are working 
overtime to afford people who will raise you correctly. And, failing that, and it seems like 
we are failing that, we’re trying to find people to at least raise you to be polite.
(A moment.)
So. Is this how you talk to your other Caregivers?
ALEX
And Jonas, searching for the right answer, finds the wrong one.
JONAS
No?
PRISON CAREGIVER
So you save all of your disrespect for me then?
MONTE
And when Jonas finds themself in a nice hole, they’ve just got to dig.
JONAS
No?
PRISON CAREGIVER
Unbelievable.
(A deep breath.)
I don’t have a lot of time away from work, but I suppose it is my responsibility to help 
you with your tone, and then we can work on the thing you’re doing.
JONAS
I don’t know what I’m doing.
PRISON CAREGIVER
Tone first, Jonas.
The music stops.
ALEX
So what was going on there, Monte?
MONTE
Yeah, Jonas, what was going on there?
JONAS
I have no idea I was five.
MONTE
So take that, Alex, that’s the point.
ALEX
No no no, like meta-textually. What are we doing? Why are we here?
The music starts again.
Quiet crying.
PRISON CAREGIVER
Okay. My Caregiver always told me that if you have to cry, cry quiet. I would take that 
advice. Now, if I let the prisoners have a choice in their own meal plan, their lives might 
become more meaningful, so it is time for me to take my leave.
More quiet crying.
PRISON CAREGIVER
Good bye, Jonas.
The music stops.
MONTE
So... what do you think?
ALEX
It’s mean, that’s for sure.
MONTE
And you... like mean?
ALEX
Occasionally, I liked little Jonas crying.
MONTE
Good. I thought you would. Also, did we ever name Jonas’ school?
JONAS
I don’t think so. Or if it did it doesn’t have one any more.
MONTE
Did you have a roommate?
JONAS
Maybe.
MONTE
Maybe?
JONAS
Who knows!
ALEX
You do.
JONAS
I mean, you two should probably know as well.
MONTE
I mean, I know.
ALEX
I’ll know soon enough.
JONAS
Then why are we asking?
MONTE
I’m trying to do this whole back and forth thing. Please don’t embarrass me. Tell us about 
your roommate.
JONAS
How about you tell me about my roommate.
MONTE
Okay, maybe I will tell you about your roommate.
JONAS
I wasn’t even supposed to have a roommate.
MONTE
There we go. Banter. Thank you.
JONAS
I was supposed to get two whole rooms to myself. One for sleeping and one I pretended 
was for studying but was actually for practicing analog hoverboarding.
ALEX
Did you actually practice analog hoverboarding or did you just buy all the stuff for it and 
then never go in that room again.
JONAS
My caregivers shut down the school before I could really get any good. What is your 
point?
MONTE
My point is that you’re at your boarding school and you and your roommate, who you 
were not supposed to have, are studying together.
ALEX
Wait, why do they have a roommate if they weren’t supposed to. They’re definitely rich 
enough to have Their own rooms at boarding school.
JONAS
I don’t know, probably because I got in trouble for something.
ALEX
So, is that a guess, or a confession, or...
JONAS
Yeah, it’s a guess.
MONTE
It’s a good guess.
JONAS
Why do you keep asking me questions that you know the answers to?
Music comes in.
ROOMMATE
Because you keep skipping your tests, Jonas, and now you have to take all of the tests at 
once, or you’re going to get expelled, and this is what studying is, Jonas.
JONAS
I don’t know why I have to take the test if I already know I’m going to pass the test. 
What’s the point of the test if you already know all the answers?
ROOMMATE
I think that’s exactly the point of tests. Ask yourself, how do other people know that 
you know things?
JONAS
But do you see what I’m saying? I already know I know this, the test is three hours long, 
the window is open, it’s pretty obvious what I’m supposed to do.
ROOMMATE
You’re classroom was on the fifth floor.
JONAS
Yeah, but there wasn’t time to count on the way down. Also, how do you know that?
Record scratch
ALEX
Jonas jumped out of a fifth story window to get out of taking a test?
MONTE
You can’t tell me that isn’t exactly the most Jonas thing they could do.
ALEX
We have birthed a very stupid alien.
MONTE
We have had so many conversations about how Jonas is competent but also just... like 
this.
ALEX
We have birthed a... very frustrating alien.
Music.
ROOMMATE
I... we’ve been in the same class for weeks. I sit next to the window.
JONAS
I knew I knew you from somewhere.
ROOMMATE
You greeted me by name every day.
JONAS
I was just being polite.
ROOMMATE
Wow. Okay.
JONAS
But back to the important thing at hand. There should be something I can do before I take 
the test to prove I don’t have to take the test.
ROOMMATE
That’s called the pre-test.
JONAS
But I knew the answers to that already.
ROOMMATE
Did you... do the pre-test?
JONAS
No.
ROOMMATE
That’s why you had to take the test, Jonas.
JONAS
But I shouldn’t have to.
ROOMMATE
Listen, buddy, I’m not happy about being your punishment for missing every assignment 
so far. It feels kind of like a job. 
Your caregivers make me send communications about you to them and then correct my 
grammar before calling me a liar, so... maybe next time just take the test so that we don’t 
have to keep doing this.
JONAS
Did you take the pre-test?
ROOMMATE
Yeah?
JONAS
Did you have to take the test?
ROOMMATE
Yeah, that’s when you climbed over my desk to jump out the window.
JONAS
Why’d you take the pre-test if you’d just have to take the test anyway?
A moment.
ROOMMATE
Jonas. My caregivers are paying a lot of money so I don’t have to share a pencil with 
some nobody. And I just need the barest passing grade and I’m set for life. Work with me 
here.
JONAS
Sounds like a lot of paperwork.
The music fades out.
ALEX
Jonas has bones, right, you’re got bones, right Jonas?
JONAS
Probably. Why?
ALEX
Okay, just checking. We melted your teeth pretty recently, did something with a radiative 
necklace a while back
JONAS
Yeah, that’s still in there
ALEX
And we’re thinking of breaking some bones next, good sound effect material.
JONAS
Sounds great. Also, just to defend myself a little bit here, I didn’t jump out of the window 
every time there was a test, I just forgot that there was a test that day. If I remembered, I 
would have just skipped class that day because I’m super cool and very attractive.
ALEX
No one’s trying to fight you on that because this script is, so far, twice as long as the first 
draft. Let’s get to the point.
MONTE
Jonas.
JONAS
Yeah?
MONTE
You want to go to one of your other estates?
JONAS
Which one?
MONTE
You know the one.
JONAS
Oh no.
MONTE
The one where your Caregivers hired interior decorators, lawyers, and later a team that 
only referred to themselves as, “The Cleaners,” during the construction process.
JONAS
The designers all killed themselves in what would end up being my bedroom.
MONTE
That’s dark, and I refuse to edit it out.
ALEX
Yeah, that’s the one.
MONTE
It’s our favorite of the estates.
JONAS
It is the one with the biggest bedroom.
ALEX
That’s the spirit, buddy. Repression is the first step towards not annoying people.
JONAS
And it’s not like the mass suicide was a big deal. They got the bodies out before I ever 
saw them and I didn’t even know about the incident until I was older and...
MONTE
Flashback.
Quick flash of music.
PRISON CAREGIVER
You’re going to stop driving your tutors to tears or I swear to all my marriages I will get 
the guy to come put the ghosts back into your room.
Music ends.
JONAS
Were there ghosts in that room?
ALEX
As long as you thought there were, it doesn’t really matter.
JONAS
Hmm. I don’t like that.
MONTE
You’re with another one of your caregivers. The artist one.
JONAS
I like that less.
MONTE
It’s been years since you’ve heard from them and they’ve just seen one of your doodles 
that you left on the floorALEX
Jonas, they’re the only Caregiver to ever ask, “How have you been?”
The music is back.
JONAS
What?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
I said how have you been, Jonas?
JONAS
There’s a hallway in this houseARTIST CAREGIVER
Estate.
JONAS
-Estate that I am so sure nobody but me has ever been in.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
What makes you say that?
JONAS
It is the exact shape of my body.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Really?
JONAS
And I don’t think anyone else would fit.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Maybe one of your younger siblings.
JONAS
They’re all bigger than me.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
There’s a new one.
JONAS
There is?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Or maybe a cousin or a nephew or something. Jonas, you really need to keep up with the 
family newsletter.
JONAS
Do... you keep up with the family newsletter?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
When my work is being reviewed in it. And speaking of work, I saw one of your pieces 
strewn about one spread of carpet or another.
JONAS
Oh, yeah? Did you like it? Which one was it. I’ve been waiting for so long for someone to 
notice them and I made sure to put how to reach me on the back of every one because, 
you know, you never know.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Uh huh.
JONAS
Did you like it?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
I... am so happy that there is another member of this family that... dabbles in the arts. I 
mean, look around this place.
JONAS
Okay.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
What do you think?
JONAS
Well... it’s
ARTIST CAREGIVER
It’s so gaudy. Where’s the vision? The passion, the... just to think that people died for 
this.
JONAS
I’ve been meaning to ask, I still see those people sometimes...?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Jonas, we gave you the biggest bedroom, don’t be impolite. What I’m saying is two 
artistic minds coming together... we could really steer this family in the right direction.
JONAS
So you liked it.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
My work, as you probably know, is featured in the collections of... I don’t like to name 
drop to family. My resume is impressive, though, and I think with our combined efforts 
we can... How would you like to be somebody, Jonas?
JONAS
Did you like my doodles?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Jonas. The first step of being a good artist is never groveling for attention. The next step 
is apprenticing with me.
JONAS
No thanks.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Jonas, I am your caregiver.
JONAS
You don’t like my doodles.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
I never said that.
JONAS
Yeah, you were really careful not to.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
As your caregiver, who has sold more than a few pieces I was rather attached to in order 
to cover the expense of your private tutoring, I think it is more than fair if we take this 
opportunity to explore something you’re interested in and make it, in your own words, 
and in my experienced eyes, better.
JONAS
I didn’t say that.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Sure you did.
JONAS
I like my doodles.
ARTIST CAREGIVER
Don’t embarrass yourself.
(A moment.)
If you are really seeking critique, these doodles are not up to snuff. If you want to pursue 
the arts, this is your opportunity to do so. I’m not going to force you to, but you know 
what the alternative is and your sad sibling has been talking about designing playing cards 
every fiscal holiday for quite a few years now.
JONAS
Can I have the doodle back?
ARTIST CAREGIVER
No, Jonas.
The music fades.
MONTE
I like the doodles, Jonas.
JONAS
Thanks.
ALEX
I’m a bigger fan of the ferns, and more than that brevity in story telling when it doesn’t 
feed my ego. Now we’re at the Temperature Testing Solutions Plant orbiting the home 
world where you were a sub-manager for a little bitMONTE
Jonas do you need a break?
JONAS
No?
MONTE
You look like you need a break.
JONAS
I don’t think so.
MONTE
Alex can edit around it if you need a break.
ALEX
He can but he won’t.
JONAS
I’m fine.
MONTE
Jonas. Take the break.
JONAS
Listen, all this is great, but it’s not really as tragic as you said it was going to be.
ALEX
Jonas. Take a break. Monte. Over here.
JONAS
Ugh. Fine. I hate it when the Caretakers argue anyways.
Canned footsteps.
MONTE
What’s up?
ALEX
We can’t be nice to them.
MONTE
I thought I was being mean.
ALEX
Monte, I’ve been watching you make spelling mistakes all night you have no idea what 
mean looks like. Hurt them.
MONTE
Why?
ALEX
Because they’re a person. We have to let them be a person.
MONTE
But sometimes people are already hurt, Alex, we can just let them be hurt.
ALEX
But we won’t.
MONTE
Are you going to bring up the story circle now?
ALEX
The story circle will be the ring I wear on the hand I will use to beat this character intoJONAS
Let’s just get to the sub-manager stuff. This is boring.
The music again, but carnival-y.
MANAGER
(Muppet voice.)
Hiya, Johnny, are you ready to get temperature-ing today?
The music stops.
JONAS
I actually don’t remember this person.
The music again.
MANAGER
Well, um, cold’s one of the... two or so temperatures there are. And it’s one of my 
favorites.
The music stops.
JONAS
This is not familiar. I don’t know what you’re trying to do here but I don’t remember 
this.
MONTE
Do you remember working at the Temperature Testing Solutions Plant?
JONAS
I mean it’s on my resume.
ALEX
You don’t have a resume.
JONAS
I don’t need one.
ALEX
You are insufferable, though.
JONAS
Monte, you’re being useless again.
MONTE
Hey, those are my insecurities, those are for subtext only.
JONAS
I hope someone puts you in nightmare play about your life someday.
MONTE
And whose going to write it, Alex? Yeah that’ll be a fun one. He wrote the “throw rocks 
at dogs,” story, you’re just lucky I’m here.
The carnival music again.
MANAGER
Ya killed me in a fire, Johnny, ya killed me in a fire.
The music stops.
JONAS
Is that... is that true?
MONTE
I don’t know.
The carnival music again.
MANAGER
You never checked on me after the fires, Johnny
JONAS
My name was never Johnny.
MANAGER
Is that why you killed me, Jasmine.
JONAS
I honestly don’t know if I killed you.
MANAGER
It hurt when you maybe killed me in that fire, Juliette.
JONAS
I don’t even know if I killed you.
MANAGER
(Very Muppet-y)
Ah, ooh, eee, my teeth are popping like popcorn in that fire you started.
The music stops.
JONAS
I did start a fire, I have no idea if I killed this guy or not. Also, my teeth melt but theirs 
pop? What’s happening?
ALEX
It sounds like you should look into that.
JONAS
I’m a fern caregiver now, I don’t want to bring that energy into their lives.
The carnival music again.
MANAGER
I was a Caregiver too, maybe, you never asked.
JONAS
Listen, I spent the last more-than-a-year learning about the different types of fire, it’ll 
never happen again.
MANAGER
It can’t happen again, I’m already dead possibly.
The music stops.
JONAS
I’m not going to look into that, by the way, Bethany taught me about plausible 
deniability and I’m using it.
MONTE
Did you write that one, Alex?
ALEX
I like to think we wrote that, Monte. Now how much longer do I have to be here?
MONTE
One more scene.
JONAS
There’s MORE?
MONTE
One more. Shortly after your Caregivers all chipped in to embarrass you in front of the 
entire ship.
ALEX
Do you remember that one?
JONAS
Yes, obviously I remember that one. It happened, like, yesterday.
MONTE
It did not.
ALEX
I’m just glad you remember it.
MONTE
After that ship wide announcement, you got a message from one of the Fueling Initiative 
Caregivers.
JONAS
I don’t want a message.
Music.
FUEL CAREGIVER
I didn’t ask if you want one I asked if you got one.
ALEX
And then you said:
JONAS
Yeah.
MONTE
And you shouldn’t have said that, because they said...
The music stops.
ALEX
You actually don’t remember what they said, and if it ended there, it would have26.
JONAS
Been like so many other communications in the past, exceptMONTE
Than you said, out of nowhere as far as your Caretakers were concerned: 
JONAS
Do you even like me?
ALEX
And they said:
FUEL CAREGIVER
We love you, Jonas, you know that.
MONTE
And you said:
JONAS
Nothing.
ALEX
And the allowance hasn’t stopped coming.
A long moment.
JONAS
And Bethany’s one comes out before this?
MONTE
They come out on the same day, but yeah.
ALEX
Yours is second.
JONAS
I think I should get back to work.
ALEX
See you soon, Jonas.
MONTE
The next one will be a fun one.
JONAS
Thanks.
A moment.
ALEX
Why do you that? Give them hope?
MONTE
Alex. The next episode is actually a fun one though.
ALEX
We’re going to break them before the end.
MONTE
Does that dark cloak ever get heavy, Batman?
ALEX
Straight jackets also keep you warm.
JONAS
Oh my goodness will you please both shut up. Some of us are trying to work here.
Fade into the room tone.
Credits.
END