1-22 The Love Solution

In which Jonas hosts a talent show.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Kristen Hasty as Patricia  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as Love Letter
Joe Hanson as Another Love Letter  
Katie Ploetz as Yet Another Love Letter  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

Episode 22 - The Love Solution
Prelude

Theme Song, fading away with the final beeps.

Before the episode motif comes in, Jonas approaches a microphone.

JONAS
Hey everybody, oh wow a lot of you showed up, huh, wow, okay, anyways WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL JUAN FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF DIRECTORIAL ASSISTANT MENTORSHIP, TRAINING, AND DISTRIBUTION MEMORIAL SHOW! I’m sorry I’m late, I was talking to- it doesn’t matter who I was talking to and you don’t care about any of this, never mind.

(Deep breath.)

Thank you, all of you, for coming to our talent show, and by our I mean mine and Juan’s, who was going to be here but then died when someone else wanted their job and, okay, just looked at the sign up sheet and it’s just my name. Really thought someone else would have signed up by now, especially considering how many times one secret person in particular whose name does NOT start with a B PROMISED me that they’d sign up despite their crippling fear of public speaking which THEY SHOULD TOTALLY BE OVER, by the way, because they’ve had to speak in front of the entire ship like A MILLION TIMES and it even went well, in my opinion, at least one of those times even though I sort of lost a bet because of it. Wait, wait, crud, I promised not to talk about literally this...

(Deep breath.)

BUT! All of that is okay because I found this thing in the least used and most filthy Waste Removal location within reasonable walking distance and now I know how to play one song on it.

(A deep breath.)

Also, before I start, I literally found this thing while I was totally not avoiding work this morning so if it sounds bad it’s because of the Waste Removal location and not because of me.

(Another deep breath. Literally about to begin.)

Also, also the cafeteria who agreed to host this wants me to tell you if you leave without buying something they’ll find you and they have the biggest knife I’ve ever seen in person.

Okay.

Here it goes.
Scene 1

Jonas begins to play the episode motif. The song fades 
into the corporate theme.

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Attention employees and those legally distinct from slaves, the ship would like to take this moment to introduce you to me, your new voice for all announcements. I hope I can come to be a welcome and guiding voice interspersed into your day-to-day tasks. Do not ask any questions about the previous voice, your questions may jeopardize their volatile safety.
 
In addition to my introduction, all of us in the Announcements Division would like to introduce you to Flash Back Day, a new holiday developed by our Executive Holiday Development Squadron to meet the ever changing needs of our ship, such as the need to
explore events that happened in the past while clearly defining that the events being explored are a flash backs and have already happened. So, for instance, if you wanted to explore past interactions between yourself and another co-worker who is no longer your co-worker and is now possibly your enemy, this is a holiday where you can finally do that. In the form of a flashback.

For the first time, happiness is productivity.

Fade into the sounds of an office with slightly more nitrogen than we’re used to.

Patricia gasps with excitement.

PATRICIA
I knew it.

BETHANY
Knew what?

PATRICIA
I knew it. I knew it, I knew it.

BETHANY
Patricia, what is this about?

PATRICIA
So I was counting my love letters while you were finishing up the last of those forms, and 
there is one more than I remember being there...

(A beat.)

And this is the part where you say, “Ah, you got me Patricia.”

BETHANY
Ah, you got me Patricia.

PATRICIA
Thank you, now continue.

BETHANY
With?

PATRICIA
Bethany, you put a love letter in with all of mine. You’ve finally admitted to yourself that you are a romantic at heart.

BETHANY
I just thought it was funny.



PATRICIA
Oh, okay:

(With a full chest.)

Hey dingus,

I know that only one of us will get to blah blah blah blah blah. I will ship it to whatever birthed you and have them pour one out for you if, as I suspect, I am serving multiple life sentences for your murder.

I can only think about you,
Your spouse

P.S. Blah blah blah

(Slightly deflated.)

I don’t get it.

BETHANY
I just thought it was funny.

PATRICIA
I mean, yeah, it’s funny. They got murdered and that’s funny. But it’s not, you know, Romantic-with-a-capital-R.

BETHANY
So, it’s romantic with a small r?

PATRICIA
(In a voice.)
Oh, Bethany, you’re still in denial.

BETHANY
You know I hate it when you use that voice.

PATRICIA
(More voice.)
Bethany will never be in love.

BETHANY
And thank all the gods I thought we incorporated for that.

PATRICIA
(Deep in the voice.)
So sad.

BETHANY
You haven’t been in love either, for the record.

PATRICIA
Bethany, I am an up and coming business mogul. I do not have time for chemical mixers, you, on the other hand, just refuse to go.

BETHANY
I have only refused almost every time.

PATRICIA
You went once, without me I may add, and you spent the whole time sending me communications about how awful it was.

BETHANY
And it was awful, the experience was bad, the people were bad, a lot of them actually called themselves up-and-coming business moguls too, and the room smelled bad.

PATRICIA
Those are the chemicals.

BETHANY
The chemicals smell bad.

PATRICIA
Most people don’t notice.

BETHANY
They must be too busy building their business empires.

PATRICIA
You know, when I was first building up my collection of love letters, I also thought it was just dumb and silly fun. But I admitted to myself what I really wanted, and what I really wanted was just genuine displays of emotion. Not mine, of course. Not yours, either, so don’t get all feelings-y on me like you do sometimes, but the genuine full throated feelings of dead strangers. Do you know what I mean?


Scene 2

BETHANY
I do not get feelings-y.

PATRICIA
Oh, Bethany.

BETHANY
I don’t.

PATRICIA
Are you so sure?

BETHANY
Name a single time that-

PATRICIA
You cried this morning.

BETHANY
Okay, but...

PATRICIA
Do you remember why?

BETHANY
(A moment.)
Of course I know.
(Moving on.)
Paper solvent gasses got into me again.

PATRICIA
We’re out of solvents and it’s your turn to buy more, so good guess, but try harder next time.

BETHANY
And you know the reason?

PATRICIA
Of course I do.

BETHANY
Please, enlighten me, Patricia.
A very happy cat and a very tired mouse.

PATRICIA
Mmmmmmmm, no.

BETHANY
Are we doing this again?

PATRICIA
Maybe.

A moment.

BETHANY
How do I know that you know? And what if I don’t want to know what you think made me cry?

PATRICIA
Uh huh.

Patricia starts shuffling through papers.

PATRICIA
(With a sigh.)
I guess it’s time to get to work. On these forms.
(More shuffling.)
And then when I get them done, I’ll tell you why you were crying this morning.

BETHANY
(A moment.)
Just give me a few so I can get to the bottom of this.

PATRICIA
Bethany, do you mean it?

BETHANY
Only because I know you won’t do them.

PATRICIA
Do you really think that I’d manipulate you into doing my all of my work? Do you really believe if you don’t swoop in the work won’t get done? Or worse, it would get done wrong?

BETHANY
...No.

PATRICIA
Here, you can have the doodling ones. I don’t like them.
Scene 3
The episode motif fades back in and reaches its conclusion.

JONAS

(Slightly out of breath.)

Alright, even better the third time. Woo, I can see why they tried to flush this thing down the pipes. It really takes a lot out of you. Anyways, if that clocks not broken, there’s still two hours that we have to be here, so plenty of time to sign up if you want to show off your talents. 

(Robo-crickets.)

If anyone does impressions, that would be really great because impressions were Juan’s whole deal. They were going to do... actually I only ever saw them do impressions of people I knew. So if you know how to do an impression of someone I know, the sign-up sheet is right over there and I know it can be pretty embarrassing to stand up in front of everyone and declare, “I too am talented,” by marching over to the... mostly blank signup sheet so I’m going to go backstage for a second so you’ll have to do that in front of one less person. And just so everyone knows, it’s not to have a secret meeting with anyone. So get that out of your heads.

A slight microphone screech. Jonas goes backstage.
Scene 3.5
JONAS
So are you enjoying the show?

PATRICIA
Jonas. The next time you set up a clandestine meeting with me, I really would prefer that it not be in the middle of a massive talent show for your dead friend.

JONAS
Oh, sorry, I put up a lot of posters so I thought you knew.

PATRICIA
I don’t go to places where posters might be hung up.

JONAS
You don’t go to... walls? I put them on all the walls.
PATRICIA
I know. The Waste-Wardens have been issuing warnings about all the posters they’ve had to remove.

JONAS
I know. They issue the warnings via poster. I had to take a couple of them down because they were covering mine.

(A moment. Maybe a whistle.)

Anyways, if you’d like to sign-up there’s a sign-up sheet

PATRICIA
Jonas.

JONAS
You could read one of the love letters.

PATRICIA
So you do have the love letters?

A very happy cat and a very tired mouse.

JONAS
Mmmmmmmmaybe.

PATRICIA
If you have the letters, Jonas, and I’m not saying that you do, but if you do, why didn’t you give me the copies before you went on stage?

JONAS
Because I had to announce the show.

PATRICIA
Jonas. You are the only performer. Delay the show.

JONAS
Hey, someone else is going to sign up, maybe even you, and then we’ll have plenty of time for me to hand you a small stack of papers that I might or might not have remembered.

PATRICIA
Jonas. Give me the papers now.


JONAS
I can’t.

PATRICIA
Why not?

JONAS
Because I need to check if someone, maybe even you, signed up.

PATRICIA
I’ve been here the whole time.

JONAS
You seem like the kind of person to have people to do that sort of thing for you.

PATRICIA
(Genuinely likes this.)
Thank you Jonas.

JONAS
Now if people signed up, and if I remembered the letters, we’ll have time for the exchange later.

PATRICIA
We’ve been doing these exchanges for weeks. They take seconds. Please just give me the papers.

JONAS
Okay, here’s an idea I just had, what if I give you the papers that I might have remembered if you read them in front of everyone as a talent.

PATRICIA
That plan hinges on you having the letters.

JONAS
Or not.
(Small pause.)
I’ve been working on my poker face.

PATRICIA
I’m not performing the love letters.

JONAS
Then I’m sorry, but I have a room full of people to serenade.

Jonas goes back on stage.

JONAS
And I’d like to welcome to the stage-

(No one else has signed up.)

Me, again. I guess. Really? Nobody? Is the pen not working... it’s a pencil. Cool.

They start playing the motif. It fades into the Corporate Motif.
Scene 4
ANNOUNCEMENTS
All of us in the Direct Employee Address Bureau want to continue wishing you a happy my first day and also a happy Flash Back Day. Though we hope both of these days bring you joy, we want to make it clear that they are in no way related. One is a day about reflecting on the past with a modern point of view enlightening the audience to a new perspective on both, and the other is just the first time you’re hearing my voice, which is only significant because you’ve never heard it before.

Productivity is happiness.

LOVE LETTER #18
There is a fountain outside of my window. Small feathered things play in it. They remind me of you.

Sometimes they flap into the sky and dart into a cloud. The clouds remind me of you.

And the wind blows the clouds into the west where I watch the two suns set and I think of you.

I hope that this is the letter that bring you back to me,
Your waiting embrace

BETHANY
Do you have to read those out loud? We're young hip professionals at the very beginnings of our careers, and I'm trying to, you know, hustle.

PATRICIA
How else am I going to convince you of how great they are?

BETHANY
Patricia, I’m already doing your forms and mine.


PATRICIA
But it’s my birthday, Bethany.

BETHANY
It’s not your Birthday.

PATRICIA
(A gasp.)
You forgot it’s my birthday?

BETHANY
It was your birthday yesterday when there was only one cup of coffee left for both of us and it was your birthday last week when you wanted me to talk to Rosa about the breakup.

PATRICIA
They needed to be broken up with, Bethany.

BETHANY
No, I agree, that’s why I did it, but they weren’t dating either of us. Amina asked you to dump Rosa for them, and then you asked me to dump Rosa for Amina. I don’t know Amina. I didn’t even know Rosa but, the way they took the news, oof, they needed to be dumped.

PATRICIA
You two have the same lunch break.

BETHANY
So do we.

PATRICIA
Bethany, have you considered taking this as an opportunity to broaden your horizons while also lightening up?

BETHANY
It hadn’t even crossed my mind.

PATRICIA
Then why are you doing my forms again?

BETHANY
(With loads of sarcasm.)
It’s because I’m a real go-getter.


PATRICIA
Or do you want to know what your friend thinks about you?

BETHANY
Well, mostly it’s because I’m better at this than you and I sleep better at night knowing you messed up the least possible number of forms, but we pretend it’s about your birthday or my horizons or other thing so you can play manager.

PATRICIA
Well, it’s not playing pretend if I started here before you.

BETHANY
Yeah, by a week because my cryo-sleep alarm got delayed.

PATRICIA
And whose fault is that?

BETHANY
Mine for saving money and not getting the deluxe cryo-sleep experience.

PATRICIA
It pays for itself.

BETHANY
You got the same package that I did. Don’t pretend you had more money to throw around on luxuries.

PATRICIA
I bought the same package that you did. And then I found a feather or a tooth or some other biological material in my cryo-soup and then I got an upgrade for my inconvenience.

BETHANY
You brought the fingernails with you. You put them in the soup.

PATRICIA
And nobody ever asked.

BETHANY
I’ll remember that if I ever get off this ship.

PATRICIA
No need. Neither of us are ever going anywhere. It's almost impossible for us to get fired, which of course makes it almost impossible to get promoted as well. Which I would have preferred to know about before I applied, but that’s business.

BETHANY
But wouldn’t it be nice?

PATRICIA
Of course it would, but you’re just going to make yourself cry again thinking about it. 
Scene 5
The episode motif fades in and comes to an end.

JONAS
(Even more out of breath. Adrenaline fading away.)

You know, I’ve actually played this song more here than I have before coming here. By, like, a lot. Cause I’ve been playing it for an hour straight now with no interruptions. From anyone. Especially not to sign up for the talent show. So I guess it’s just going to be the Jonas show, then. Rest in piece, Juan, thanks for getting murder with an empty pen, the beeping getting louder as your heartbeat faded away. Speaking of being murdered by pens, there’s a pencil over by the sign-up sheet so the likelihood of that happening again is low unless someone brought their own pen. Which is a pretty fitting tribute to Juan, really.

Anyways, I’m sure you could just blow the dust off the sign up sheet if you’re feeling up to it. Feel free to do that while I go backstage. We’re all going to sit in silence for a while unless somebody signs up.

The cafeteria staff still has the doors barricaded and they’re showing off that really big knife. So do whatever you want with that information. Good bye. See you soon.
Scene 5.5
They go back stage.

JONAS
(Extremely genuine.)
I really think I’m killing it out there.

PATRICIA
You know what you’re killing, Jonas? You’re killing my patience.

JONAS
Hey, you know there’s an easy way for you to fix that.


PATRICIA
I’m not going on stage.

JONAS
Are you sure?

PATRICIA
Yes, Jonas, I’ve been very clear about this.

JONAS
Cause Bethany’s not going on stage, either, because of their-

PATRICIA
Crippling fear of public speaking. I know. I worked with them for longer than you.

JONAS
I’m just saying, Bethany would also refuse to go on stage and read love letters out loud in front of a crowd trapped in a cafeteria listening to the same song over and over and over and over-

PATRICIA
Jonas, this little game may work for your current direct supervisor, but it does not work on me. I will just wait for those letters. I found all of the love letters, and they will find their way back to me.

JONAS
Oh, I added some new ones.

PATRICIA
Hmm?

JONAS
Yeah, they’re good.

PATRICIA
(Trying not to show interest or excitement.)
Really?

JONAS
Yeah.

PATRICIA
How many?


JONAS
How many?

PATRICIA
How many did you add?

JONAS
(Trying to be coy.)
Oh you know...

(Realizing that they never counted.)
A... bunch. Actually, I have to go check the sign up thing again.

Jonas rushes out.

JONAS
Hey everyone, you might be wondering why I didn’t check the sign up sheet, but it’s because it would make me sad to do so. Here we go again.
Scene 6
The Episode Motif starts and fades into the Corporate Motif.

ANNOUNCEMENTS
The Executive Holiday Development Squadron have been pouring over your feedback regarding Flash Back Day and would like to assure everybody that deeply traumatic memories are a part of the holiday. Please take a moment to reflect on a deeply traumatic memory or, failing that, think back on a relationship that has shifted dramatically but in retrospect was always going to end the way that it did.

This is still my first day, but productivity has always been happiness.

LOVE LETTER #34
Hey, it’s me again. I know you’ve only been out of the domicile for, like, maybe an hour but I want you to know I am, well, you know how you were saving the good bottle of sun sand for a special occasion. Well, it turns out a special occasion is missing you very very much and I have rubbed all of it into my hair. Have fun in the sky race, I’m also going to be doing my own sky race because I am, I am just gone right now and I really, really miss you.

Hey, also, before I go I’ve been meaning to ask you this, um, would you still love me if I was exactly the way I am for the rest of our lives together?

Alright, cool, bye, love you, kisses with all the sand in the sky I am seeing colors for the first time now, wow, I’ll watch you from the ground wow, that’s a lot of new colors going to have to name them now. Going to name them all after you okay byeeeeeeeeee.

BETHANY
Alright, I’m done.

PATRICIA
Oh, record time.

BETHANY
So why was I crying?

PATRICIA
Right, that.

BETHANY
Go ahead, tell me.

PATRICIA
It's probably because you're a gigantic infant that this company must've accidentally hired instead of sentencing to work in the childcare factories.
(A beat.)
Wah wah wah.

BETHANY
Oh come on.

PATRICIA
It’s true, that’s the reason.

BETHANY
I guess I’m going to have to talk to a doctor about that.

PATRICIA
Good luck finding a real one.

BETHANY
And as soon as I do, I’ll get some medical leave for being a giant baby and get out of here.

PATRICIA
You’re not even looking for a promotion?


BETHANY
Promotions are fine, I assume, neither of us has ever had one, but what I really want is
just to get off of this ship and stand on solid ground. Something that’s not moving.

PATRICIA
Everything’s moving. It’s space.

BETHANY
You know what I mean.

PATRICIA
I know, I just also know you’re going to cry again if I take it seriously.

BETHANY
Do you ever want to leave?

PATRICIA
Yes, duh, but mostly I just want to make a lot of money and be important and then die 
next to a big pile of both of those things.

BETHANY
Sounds nice.

PATRICIA
And extremely practical. Just like yours.

BETHANY
I could do mine with an escape pod, though.

PATRICIA
And you don’t. Because that’s not how the game is played.

BETHANY
And we’re two of the best players in the league.

PATRICIA
Our league is a doorless, windowless office at the bottom of a corporate ladder waiting to be climbed.

BETHANY
You can climb it. I’d rather lay in whatever grass is.

PATRICIA
Don’t worry Bethany, I will.

ANNOUNCEMENTS
Attention everyone, and we mean everyone, living and dead, due to a loophole in intergalactic law, if you passed away within the last hour due to reliving traumatic memories, your belongings are now the property of this ship. Please inform your next of kin to deliver your body and your things to the nearest collection station for collection. 

Also, an addendum from the Department of Semi-Recreational Stimulants would like to announce their new invention: Black Goo. It’s just as good as coffee. In unrelated news, the ship is out of coffee and will continue to be for the foreseeable future.

Productivity is happiness.

PATRICIA
I don’t think this new voice is going to last long, do you?

BETHANY
I think they’re doing fine.

PATRICIA
I should get that job. It can’t be hard.

BETHANY
Are you kidding me? That job sounds horrifying. You have to talk in front of the entire ship all day every day.

PATRICIA
So?

BETHANY
What if you mess up? What if you say the wrong word? And Then everyone that you’ll ever meet will know.

PATRICIA
So just don’t mess up.

BETHANY
How?

PATRICIA
Bethany, I’m sure they make a pill for that. Now back to this:



LOVE LETTER #68
Hey darling,

We made it. New, untouched land. Fresh Sky. Trees. Grass. A beach. The same things we always expected.

Wish you were here instead,
Yours

Scene 7
Episode motif in and out.

JONAS
And that just about wraps up hour nine of The Jonas Show, thank you to Hannibal for finally buying something from the cafeteria because, as we can all see, it really is a big knife. It is the biggest knife I’ve ever seen. Think of a big knife, it’s bigger, thanks for nothing, good night. Wait, what’s that?

PATRICIA
(Shouting from backstage.)
It’s a sword, underling.

JONAS
Ohhhhhh.
(A moment.)
Why does a cafeteria have a sword?

PATRICIA
(Still shouting.)
Just get back here.

Jonas leaves the stage.

JONAS
Here.

Some papers exchange hands.

PATRICIA
Thank you.


JONAS
Why’d you stay for the whole thing?

PATRICIA
I actually kind of liked the song.

JONAS
Really?

PATRICIA
No, Jonas, but I did enjoy watching you self-destruct around the seven hour mark.

JONAS
I came back from it. I’d say it was a smooth landing.

PATRICIA
Uh huh.
(A beat.)
You’ve been adding things to the folder?

JONAS
Yeah, obviously.

PATRICIA
Then that makes us conspirators.

JONAS
Actually, our two person conspiracy around platonically sharing and then silently appreciating dead people’s love letters despite our mutual friend slash your current nemesis’ hatred of them made us conspirators. Putting them in the folder together makes us collaborators. We’re like a team.

PATRICIA
Uh huh.
(Considering their words.)
Are you aware of the Mental Enervation Colonies?

JONAS
(immediately.)
Nope.

PATRICIA
At all?

JONAS
Nuh uh.

PATRICIA
“What can M-E do for me?”

JONAS
That rings a bell.

PATRICIA
It pretty clearly does not.
(A different approach.)
I miss the folder. I miss stories. I had a real calling there. It seems like you care about it too.

JONAS
It’s literally the only part of my job I’ve ever put any intentional effort into.

PATRICIA
That would scare me if I didn’t know how little effort your position takes.
(Back on track.)
Me and you are both attached to the folder, and we both know how attached Bethany is 
to it.

JONAS
Oh, yeah, they would get really weird if they figured out I was sneaking copies of stories to you.

PATRICIA
Not the love letters, they’d be happy to see those gone...

Jonas. There’s an opportunity I’ve been researching at the Mental Enervation Colonies.

(A beat.)

Still nothing. Okay. It’s a story job. Like the folder.

JONAS
Oh, cool.

PATRICIA
And, cards on the table, all of my work in that field is currently in a folder with your and Bethany's names all over it.

JONAS
Okay.
(A moment.)
You know we’re not going to give you the folder right?

PATRICIA
Of course I know that.

(A moment.)
(Carefully, again.)

How would your caregivers feel about you taking your own step forward in your career?

JONAS
I don’t know.

PATRICIA
(Trying again.)
How would you like to work together, Jonas?

Music fades in.

JONAS
Oh, those Mental Evasion Colonies. I just figured it out.

PATRICIA
Enervation, Jonas, enervation.

END