1-11 The Oldest Thing

In which Jonas and Bethany discuss whether or not it is appropriate to have, in one's possession, a small keepsake shaped like a tree.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Joe Hanson as the A.I.  
Elle Lu Thompson as the Junior Under-Supervisor In Training.  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

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Transcript

Episode  11 - The Oldest Thing
Intro
Theme Song.
The Primordial Arboreal Theme fades in - a not overly imposing pannacotta of drumbeats piling on one another in a delicious mound of early instrumental goodness. 

Scene 1
 
The room tone fades in.

BETHANY: Jonas…..Jonas…..Jooooooonas…….Jonas!
JONAS: (Obviously not paying attention.) Mhmm.
BETHANY: Jonas, you can’t fool me, I know when you’re not really listening.
JONAS: I think it’s in the cataloguer.
BETHANY: This is why other people fired you, this right here.
JONAS: I think you make an excellent point, and I will take that under advisement.
BETHANY: Just because it happens to sync up every once in a while doesn’t mean the system
works, and I’m upset every time it does.
JONAS: Well I guess that’s just life for ya.
BETHANY: Okay, that one casts a wide enough net that it always kinda makes sense. Even your laziness is getting lazy. Do we need to have another talk about how much of your attention is being taken up by your honestly alarming collection of fern miniatures for your already quite miniature and semi-illegal garden of small ferns?
JONAS: (Finally breaking the game.) They’re each completely necessary for their own specific
reasons that I wouldn’t expect a non-fern caretaker to understand.
BETHANY: Jonas, what’s in your pocket?
JONAS: Fabric.
BETHANY: Not what IS your pocket, Jonas, what’s IN your pocket?
JONAS: Oh…OH, you mean this?
BETHANY: Yes, Jonas, I obviously mean –
JONAS: Because I thought –
BETHANY: Did you though?
JONAS: Would it matter?
BETHANY: Not really.
JONAS: Then, ah, no, yeah, that’d be a no. So, you know, glad that’s cleared up.
BETHANY: It happens all the time, but it still hurts a bit that you think I’m stupid enough for that
to work.
JONAS: Classics are classics for a reason.
BETHANY: Pocket, Jonas.
JONAS sighs and turns out their pockets. Slight jingle.
BETHANY: What’s that?
JONAS: That is a small keepsake with a loop on it. Perfect for attaching other things to, creating
a giant interconnected pile of things that you might want to keep in a pocket, or a large
disconnected pocket loosely hung from one’s torso. Or maybe in a small bowl on a table inside
a dwelling? Or even, I’ve heard tell, on a hook.
BETHANY: I know what a keychain is Jonas, where did it come from?
JONAS: Shore leave.
BETHANY: We don’t have shore leave, that’s not a thing, we’re not military.
JONAS: We were just in a battle! I’m basically a corporal.
BETHANY: Also, what shore did you leave to, and when?
JONAS: Listen, the cafeteria worker with the two missing eyes and the oozy fingernails that I got
it from said that if anybody asks, I got it on shore leave. Be cool about this.
BETHANY: Okay, first off don’t ever listen or talk to Shandiin again, they have a whole thing
going on that you don’t want any part of.
JONAS: Okay, but what if it wasn’t Shandiin?
BETHANY: “Be cool about this.” Again, we’ve worked together so much and yet you still think I’m so dumb…
JONAS: Okay, sue me, I thought it would brighten up the workplace.
BETHANY: I trained you in the rules and regulations, right? I must’ve. I remember doing it, the
paperwork is all filled out, you passed all the little computer quizzes, and yet here we are time
after time…
JONAS: If I’m being really honest, not much of the training stuck. I spend a lot of my time very
lost.
BETHANY: Okay, but you’ve got at least a little intuition, right?
Small pause.
JONAS: I don’t think I’ve ever heard that word in my life…
BETHANY: Okay, but you do know that it’s against regs, you tried to hide it, you tried to distract
me –
JONAS: It’s ceremonial!
BETHANY: It’s absolutely not! What’s it even in the shape of?
JONAS: A tree.
BETHANY: This ship has exactly zero tree ceremonies.
JONAS: We could start one.
BETHANY: You know the golden rule around here is “if it’s fun, it’s probably wrong.”
JONAS: But it’s for the… Wait. 
(With heavy accusation.)
You haven’t been checking the Extraneous But Interesting folder,
have you?
BETHANY: Why would I do something like that?
JONAS: I added something.
BETHANY: Oh good, and without asking too, that’s wonderful.
JONAS: We’re so far past that… I thought you’d be excited.
BETHANY: Jonas, you’ve been working here for a good little bit, right? Long enough to get a
vague feel for how things work?
JONAS: Yeah, I’d say I’ve vaguely settled in. Good word, vaguely. Vaguely. Vaguely…
BETHANY: And in all the time that you’ve been settling in, have you ever once seen me
excited?
JONAS: Well, there was that --
BETHANY: Nervous because of a random inspection on the day that I let you try tentacle
painting with printer ink does not count.
JONAS: Or the other --
BETHANY: And if you even bring up the time that there was a rumor of real coffee again, I
swear that this keychain will end up so far past your sensory nodules…
JONAS: In that case, uh, no. No, you are not very excitable.
BETHANY: Exactly.
JONAS: But this is special.
BETHANY: We have very different definitions of special.
JONAS: You’d probably like it.
BETHANY: What makes you think that?
JONAS: Uh, what was that...no, uh, intuition!
BETHANY: That word you didn’t even know before the start of this conversation?
JONAS: Yes, exactly.
BETHANY: Jonas?
JONAS: Yes?
BETHANY: Go back to work. And when all the work for today is finished, please get rid of that
keychain.
Fade out.

Scene 2

ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention all valued personnel in Port Sections 11 to 88 inclusive,
specifically addressing anybody under a level 16 mid-management position, with or without
familial tenure. This is your weekly reminder to be sure to use your unique and powerful voice in
our democratic system to vote against the next labor bill proposed by the Governmental
Oversight Fleet.
As we have repeatedly shared with you, the happiness and security of the employer is
directly related to the overall quality of life enjoyed by the employees of said employer.
Therefore, it follows logically that the emotional standard of any and all employers should take
precedence over unnecessary things like safety regulation, proper compensation, and quality
oversight, for the good of the entire system. Happy superiors within an organization have also
been scientifically shown to lead to more revenue for a Company Ship as a whole and is
therefore an action that you are contractually required to undertake should the opportunity arise,
which it has.
While we officially have a policy of not screening any personal correspondence to or
from the ship, it is important to remember that we do have the right to do so, and can choose to
exercise that right at any point. Under recent legislation, any official vote cast is considered
“personal correspondence to a governmental agency”, and is within our purview to screen, read,
record, copy, compile, and/or skim at our leisure. Our official policy, however, still states that we
do not do this. Therefore, we do not, and will not do this. The company ship also encourages all
of its employees to vote due to the simple fact that one of our longest-held and most fondly
treasured company perks is the recognition of democracy as a system of government.
Democracy - it exists because we allow it to exist. 
Happiness is productivity.
Fade in.
JONAS: Can I ask you something that might make you upset?
BETHANY: Are you sure you don’t work for public relations?
JONAS: Why do you let me use the folder if you get angry when I use the folder?
BETHANY: Jonas, you’re an adult. I don’t let you do anything. You do things and I respond to
them however I feel I should.
JONAS: So...you’re confusing. Is this just because mine is about a tree? Because there’s lots of
stories about trees, so I don’t…unless…do you hate trees? Were you only pretending to care
about that heart wrenching drama of King Plumph and the grossly gossipy garden? Is that it, are
you a tree-hater?
BETHANY: I don’t hate trees.
Small pause. 
JONAS: Are you sure? Your voice has a touch of denial. Were you raised like that? Did your
caretakers hate trees? It’s okay, you can tell me.
BETHANY: I was not raised as a tree-hater. I didn’t even know what a tree was until I got taken
to an Incorporation ship during my education. They were just finishing off a really forest-y moon.
I thought the trees were very pretty, actually.
JONAS: So what’s the deal, then?
BETHANY: Sometimes stuff is just things. Sometimes reasons are personal.
Pause.
JONAS: But it’s got nothing to do with the fact that mine was about a tree?
BETHANY: You are a headache. I work with a sentient headache.
JONAS: Just take the keychain. Hold it for a second.
BETHANY: I don’t want to hold the keychain.
JONAS: Oh come on, it’s just a tree it won’t hurt you, don’t be scared.
BETHANY: I’m not scared, I just don’t want --
JONAS: (Doing a voice for the tree keychain.) Please, Bethany, I’m just a little tree keychain, I don’t wanna hurt you, I just wanna be friends and put a little more tree-based happiness into every shift you work…
BETHANY: I have been so relatively patient when it comes to all of your little fern
accouterments and just… look, you ask me why I get angry and then you do things like this like
the two aren’t related…
JONAS: (Still doing the voice, even more exaggeratedly.) I’m just so lonely Bethany, and you
look like so much fun to be nearby while you do monotonous soul-crushing work.
BETHANY: I can’t get you to push buttons for work, but when it comes to pushing MY buttons…
JONAS: (Really into character now) But I can see your soul just crying out for a chance at mere
contact and brief possession of me, such a fine keychain, made in the shape of a tree, which
you purport to not hate but given current circumstances, well…
BETHANY: Fine. Give me the tree.
JONAS lets out a small squeal of excitement. Brief pause. Tiny jingle.
JONAS: Does it put happiness into your every moment?
BETHANY: Absolutely not, Jonas, it’s plastic!
A small computer “start up” chime.
AI: Bethany and/or Jonas of the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department?
BETHANY: Bethany speaking.
AI: Hello. I’m your friendly AI companion. We haven’t spoken in over a year, by my calculations. I am not programmed to feel any particular way about this. In accordance with a recent restructuring effort by your 6 representative Over-Department Heads, your Junior-Under-Supervisor-In-Training has been referred to Planetside Counsel for
inappropriate disposal of potentially valuable garbage by self-immolation.
BETHANY: Honestly, I didn’t even know I had a Junior-Under-Supervisor-In-Training.
AI: The position of Junior-Under-Supervisor-In-Training is a position that is always, has always,
and will always be filled on this ship. The newest Junior-Under-Supervisor-In-Training has been
appointed and is currently making their introductory rounds so as to see the people that they will
be Junior-Under-Supervising at least once.
BETHANY: That’s new.
AI: A small but important facet of the restructuring plan is an attempt to make supervisors more
personable to their direct reports. The Over-Department heads hypothesize that knowing what a
supervisor actually looks like will inspire confidence that leadership does physically exist,
squashing several rumors that have been troublingly persistent on this and other similar ships.
JONAS: So what, we just gotta look good for the new boss?
JUSIT: (Softly. Menacingly. Their voice never raises and always seems to be too close to your
ear.) Oh, it’s a little late for that.
BETHANY and JONAS both make noises of alarm. Something falls to the floor with a small jingle jangle. 
JUSIT: What’s that you just dropped, Bethany?
BETHANY: (Very caught.) This? This little thing? I mean, this isn’t anything important. We...we
both know that.
Small awkward pause.
BETHANY: We both know that, right?
JUSIT: I don’t think I know that. In fact, I don’t think that’s the sort of thing that’s even near the
boundaries of what I know. You know what I know?
BETHANY: What do you know?
JUSIT: I know when somebody is breaking regulations. And I know when somebody is lying
about it. And I know when somebody is bad at lying. And you’re bad at lying. You know?
JONAS: No.
JUSIT: No?
JONAS: I know, I know, but no.
JUSIT: Jonas. Talk.
JONAS: Bethany had just confiscated it from me, and was in the process of reporting the
violation when you walked in.
JUSIT: Oh, really?
JONAS: Yes, really.
JUSIT: That’s what was happening right before I came in?
JONAS: Yes, indeed.
JUSIT: So you wouldn’t have been slowly and abstractly bonding over an unstated but
collectively-felt appreciation for the small and out of the way one-in-a-million stories that most
people would just pass by on this cosmic ride through paperwork and bureaucracy that we call
life, would you? Letting the tales of everyday things slowly teach you that individual stories
contain as much value as we, the appreciating public, are willing to put into them? Allowing your
life to have meaning, even if it’s only to you and being satisfied that to something with a different
perspective you are seen as extraordinary and incredible?
JONAS: Nope. Just the reporting of the violation.
JUSIT: Good. Because all that other stuff is explicitly against regulation. Read your handbooks.
Because of your honesty we’ll only garnish your pay for a month. First offense. Keep it clean.
JONAS: Yes, absolutely Junior Under-Supervisor-In-Training, I will.
JUSIT: As for you, Bethany, you’ll be garnished for 6 months and restricted to a single meal per
day for two weeks for confiscating an object that causes a regulation violation when you were
not in the direct chain of command to do so. I think this went pretty well for the first meeting. I
look forward to supervising you both.
Small pause.
BETHANY: How do they walk without making noise?
JONAS: Okay, you heard that weird thing too, right?
BETHANY: The voice?
JONAS: Yes! It’s like they were inside my head or something.
BETHANY: Yeah, that’s…that was…that’s new.
JONAS: I didn’t know they could take meals.
BETHANY: I don’t think they can. They must’ve transferred from a prison ship or something.
Confused. Confused and annoying.
JONAS: I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.
BETHANY: It doesn’t matter.
JONAS: Six months being garnished though… You could’ve almost saved up for a new pair of
boots.
BETHANY: What’s wrong with my boots?
JONAS: I mean, just, you know…They’re always wet…I’m sorry.
BETHANY: Don’t worry, you weren’t the jerk here.
JONAS: Yeah, I know, but still.
Pause.

Scene 2.1

BETHANY: Tell me about the tree.
JONAS: What?
BETHANY: Before I change my mind, tell me about the tree.
JONAS: Are...are you sure?
BETHANY: Look, even if it didn’t work, I appreciate you trying. So, I suppose I owe it to you to
try your story.
JONAS: (A little emotional.) Bethany…
BETHANY: Save the waterworks for your ferns. Story. Please.
JONAS: Okay, okay, uh, so I’m messing around with all these half deleted files, you know, like
you told me not to do, and I noticed that this ship, right around 276 years ago, give or take a few
months, incorporated a big string of planets near the 49th variance of EX-Nebula 187-4921-46.
BETHANY: I don’t remember it specifically, but I believe you.
JONAS: Wouldn’t expect you to, absolutely nothing of importance happened there at all.
Except…
Small pause.
BETHANY: (With a small sigh.) Except for --
JONAS: Except for the tree, exactly! Some little planet, no higher life forms, no signs of
burgeoning sentience, very long day/night cycle, blah blah blah, you get it, boring. Except the
tree. You see, this planet had a weird geological formation. A large, flat-topped, mountain,
completely surrounded by ocean. Only a few complex organisms. This tree was the biggest, and
it wasn’t even very big by tree standards. Not much bigger than a couple of my ferns stacked on
top of one another. Actually, hold on, genius-level idea alert, gimme some paper…stackable
ferns…that’s a proprietary idea now, you saw me write it down, that means it’s mine!
BETHANY: Hold on, you said EX-Nebula 187-4921-44?
JONAS: 4921-46.
BETHANY: That’s an old part of space.
JONAS: Yeah it is. Very old. The 49th variance especially. So this is an old planet with life on it,
right? It’s a planet that’s had life for SO long, and nothing higher ever evolved. No sentience for
so long. It’s crazy to think about.
BETHANY: So what’s up with the tree?
JONAS: Well, this tree wasn’t like anything else incorporated from that planet in terms of it’s
DNA. It was related, everything is related if you go back far enough, but you’d have to go back a
really good ways to get to this tree.
BETHANY: How far?
JONAS: Almost the beginning. As in, when trees were first developing on the planet. That’s how
far.
BETHANY: Huh. Wow, that’s pretty impressive. Not, like, a descendant of any sort, not a weird
branching clone that got cut off at one point? Nothing like that?
JONAS: Nope. One singular organism, all the way back.
BETHANY: Like I said, impressive. That’s a real old tree.
JONAS: Understatement of the shift.
BETHANY: Oh?
JONAS: It’s not just a real old tree. It is the real old tree.
BETHANY: Okay?
JONAS: Think about what you said before about where it was.
BETHANY: EX-Nebula 187… Variance 49… Wait…
JONAS: Uh huh.
BETHANY: That part of space is old enough… you’re telling me the tree on that little flattop
mountain was the oldest tree we’ve ever incorporated?
JONAS: Oh no, no no no, more than that. This tree, this tree was the oldest living thing. Thing.
Singular. We’re talking billions of years old. We’re talking one of the first trees to form, ever in
the universe. Like, within the first billion years.
BETHANY: No way.
JONAS: Yes way.
BETHANY: No. The universe doesn’t do things like that. It is chaos and it is drawn toward
entropy and nothing lasts that long. Planets themselves don’t last that long.
JONAS: I know. It’s incredible.
BETHANY: I… I just… how?
JONAS: Unlikely odds I guess, but when the universe is functionally infinite, I guess you’re
gonna get some of those.
BETHANY: And we got it, huh? We got the oldest tree. We got the oldest thing.
JONAS: Going on 12.87 billion years of life, according to the computer. Roughly. It’s hard to
approximate at that point with the software they have us using.
BETHANY: And it spent its whole life on that flattop mountain, huh?
JONAS: Well, obviously the planet surface wouldn’t have stayed constant--
BETHANY: Well obviously, yeah, but just imagine it. Just imagine 12.87 billion years in one spot.
Mountain. Ocean. Every day. Mountain. Ocean.
JONAS: Yeah… Maybe it’s a good thing that planet never developed higher life forms if that was
the kind of boring world it had planned for them.
BETHANY: You know what would have been kind of nice?
JONAS: What’s that?
BETHANY: If we kept it around. Like, here on the ship. In a little pot or
something.
JONAS: You could study it. The first tree with culture shock. 12.87 billion years, give or take,
and then into the upper decks of an Incorporation Ship to putter around the universe. That thing
wouldn’t know which way was up and management wouldn’t be able to explain it.
BETHANY: Why couldn’t it be down here?
JONAS: It needs a window.
BETHANY: It would have to have a special light like your ferns anyway.
JONAS: No, so it could see out. What, you wanna give it our job? It doesn’t deserve that.
BETHANY: It’s a shame, huh? Like, I know it’s what we do and everything, but it is a shame.
JONAS: Yeah, it is. That’s why I got the keychain.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Just imagine...before our planet was even formed, before our sun was even hot
enough to glow…
JONAS: A tree. On a mountain. By an ocean.
BETHANY: When most things happened in the universe, that tree was around.
JONAS: Yeah, that...that’s about the size of it.
BETHANY: Do you think it actually was the oldest, or do you think we’ll find another one?
JONAS: It’s gotta be the oldest, right? I mean, come on.
BETHANY: There’s always an oldest something, but I dunno. I’ll bet there’s older. I’d put money
on it. If I had it. Which I won’t. For six months.
JONAS: Oh come on, the universe is functionally infinite and everything, but the sheer odds of it
happening again… That’s why it’s so special, right? You said it yourself, nothing lasts that long.
BETHANY: Yeah… but that’s the thing about when you start playing with infinity, right? 1 and a
trillion are exactly the same. They’re nothing. What odds do you give it? With infinity, it’s
basically guaranteed.
Small pause.

Scene 3

JONAS: Do you mind if I ask you something?
BETHANY: Is it about another tree?
JONAS: No.
BETHANY: Then sure.
JONAS: Is it worth it?
BETHANY: Probably not, but you’re gonna have to be a bit more specific.
JONAS: Just what we do. The day to day. The everything. Like, you know, you gotta wait even
longer for good boots now –
BETHANY: Again with the boots, everyone’s boots are always a little soggy, get off my back.
JONAS: Okay not boots, forget the boots, but like, The Junior-Under-Supervisor-In-Training
comes in and everything is worse, and that’s kinda the norm around here, but every once in a
while we get to talk about an old tree, which is awesome. So, is it worth it?
Small pause. BETHANY sighs, softly.
BETHANY: It can be. But, being totally honest with you, Jonas, no it’s not. And it’s actually a
little bit hard to remember the last time it was worth it.
JONAS: Oh. Okay then.
Small pause.
BETHANY: But I do appreciate you telling me about trees you like, even if it annoys me
sometimes. So thank you.
JONAS: You’re welcome.
Small pause.
BETHANY: You know, the Junior-Under-Supervisor-In-Training forgot to actually take the
keychain from me.
JONAS: Oh yeah, look at that.
BETHANY: It’s against regs for you to have it, but if you wanted to keep it around, I don’t think
there’s any written rule stating that a fern can’t have a keychain. Especially if the leaves were to
hide it somewhat.
Small pause.
JONAS: That tree was sure there a long while, huh?
BETHANY: It sure was, Jonas.
JONAS: I like things that have been around a long while.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Thanks, Jonas.
END