1-14 The Labyrinth Reaction

In which Bethany and Jonas discuss exactly how often an advanced planet slides back into incorporation-ability.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

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Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

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The Labyrinth Reaction
inc. Episode 14
by
Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe
ANNOUNCEMENT
Attention everyone, the mandate of the yet-to-be-impeached Head of Cultural
Remembrance Studies requires everyone who can hear this to stand for the reading of the
Anthem of the Bugs. If you cannot hear this, please relocate yourself into a position that
can hear this announcement.
The Department for the Defining of Bodily Positioning would like to remind you that to
be considered standing, 40% or more of your limbs need to be self-supporting.
At this time, please stand at your desks and continue working through the traditional 15
to 30 seconds of silence and remember: the following is a celebration of the now-extinct
bugs of our home world, not a break. Happiness is productivity.
JONAS
What is Cultural Remembrance Studies?
BETHANY
Basically it’s why our job exists.
JONAS
So that soon-to-be-impeached something-or-other is our boss?
BETHANY
Well, if we look at this chart we had to hang up as per a new company standard I don’t
want to explain and you don’t want to learn about, you report directly to me and I report
directly to a Person who has been legally dead for fourteen years.
JONAS
But who do they report to?
BETHANY
I’ve never met them. Honestly one of my better relationships.
JONAS
But who?
BETHANY
I don’t know if they were religious so I don’t want to answer that question.
2.
JONAS
Well, it’s sad to hear that someone who might be responsible for someone who we might
have to report to someday is getting impeached.
BETHANY
It’s not that sad.
JONAS
They’re getting fired. That sucks.
BETHANY
They’re getting impeached. They got to have their fun and now, as a final act of whatever
agenda we exist under, we have to listen to a song celebrating all of the bugs on our home
world that died because of the way our species exists in the universe.
JONAS
Wow, bitter.
BETHANY
I’ve heard the song before and it’s bad.
ANNOUNCEMENT
We are now obligated to present: The Anthem of the Bugs.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST
(Over trumpets.)
Oh, glory to the bugs
Glory to their strange and many eyes
Glory to the buzzing they produce
Glory to the legs they get to keep
I wish I got to keep my legs the way the bugs get to keep theirs
Glory to their green and blue blood
Which will poison us if we drink it
I wish that my blood would poison my caretakers
Who drink my blood for their health
But I take comfort in the fact that I will one day drink my children’s blood
And it will be good for my health
And I hope that is does not poison me
2.
3.
ANNOUNCEMENT
The now-impeached Head of Cultural Remembrance Studies would like to remind you
that bugs no longer exist on our home world and we no longer have to fear their poisonous
blood. Productivity is happiness.
JONAS
I might actually stop listening to those.
BETHANY
You haven’t?
JONAS
It’s... actually so easy to listen to them when you’re looking for any kind of distraction. I
think it’s because they’re loud and that is the aural equivalent to shiny.
BETHANY
Uh-huh. Well, I’m glad you took the time today to appreciate the bugs.
JONAS
Should we put that one in the folder?
BETHANY
The... anthem of the bugs?
JONAS
Yeah, it was extraneous... and it was... it was definitely extraneous. That’s half the things
it needs to be.
BETHANY
It also feels like cheating.
JONAS
How?
BETHANY
It’s from our planet.
JONAS
They can’t be from our planet?
3.
4.
BETHANY
I don’t think so. I think... I don’t know why I’m thinking so much about this actually, the
Anthem of the Bugs put us behind schedule.
JONAS
Do we only add stories from places we’ve incorporated?
BETHANY
That’s all the stories we find. Also, maybe more importantly, the anthem of the bugs isn’t
interesting. That’s just a thing we did on accident before either of us were born.
JONAS
It just feels like I should write it down somewhere.
BETHANY
They didn’t teach you it in school?
JONAS
Maybe! My schooling was usually weird and often ineffective.
BETHANY
Yeah, I know.
JONAS
How do you know that? Also how often do planets regress back into incorporation
territory? Does that happen a lot or, like, only sometimes? Answer those in whatever
order you want.
BETHANY
The way you phrased that entire sentence is exactly how I know what school was like for
you.
JONAS
Okay, so it looks like we’re answering the questions in the order I asked them.
BETHANY
Yeah, obviously.
JONAS
Classic Bethany.
4.
5.
BETHANY
I’m not engaging with this.
JONAS
Classic Bethany. Next, you’re going to tell me how often planets regress.
BETHANY
I... was going to do that, but now I don’t want to.
JONAS
Okay. So here’s what’s going to happen next. I’m going to say an answer that I know is
wrong and then you’re going to correct me, because that’s honestly most of what you do.
BETHANY
Oh, my goodness.
JONAS
It happens to every single planet we have ever incorporated.
BETHANY
Jonas once I get my medicine sorted out I am going to have all sorts of rebuttals and
responses to this.
JONAS
I never knew your medical uncertainty could be so much fun for me.
BETHANY
Did you know chess has been invented, independently, by 4% of civilizations? Once I
figure out these pills, it’s going to get invented here too.
JONAS
Crazy how every civilization that has invented chess also regresses to the point where we
eat them for their basic resources.
BETHANY
It doesn’t happen to every civilization.
JONAS
Just most?
5.
6.
BETHANY
Not most.
JONAS
Just a few?
BETHANY
Well...
JONAS
Well?
BETHANY
Well it happens. It’s like a big accident. You don’t expect it, it may catch you off guard,
but it would be weird if no one ever had a big accident.
JONAS
Okay, so is it interesting when it happens?
BETHANY
Just by the nature of it happening? No.
JONAS
But it happened with The Infinite Blade Dance.
BETHANY
Yeah, but the interesting thing wasn’t the slide back, the interesting thing was how the
slide back happened. Usually, people just kind of mess up generally. Sometimes it’s just
bad luck. It needs to be more specific than that.
JONAS
Okay, so slide back by itself is not interesting.
BETHANY
Jonas, I know you well enough to know this is not a professional curiosity. Or, in your
case, an unprofessional one. What is going on here?
JONAS
I’m just trying to figure something out.
BETHANY
That’s not an answer.
6.
7.
JONAS
You know that one planet?
A long pause.
BETHANY
Seriously?
JONAS
It had the thing on it.
BETHANY
Jonas.
JONAS
It was a big thing! It was the blue planet with the green landmasses and then the one big
brownish-greyish one. The greyish-brown thing was the thing!
BETHANY
What are you talking about?
JONAS
That was a slide back planet.
BETHANY
Yeah, so?
JONAS
So, is that interesting?
BETHANY
Jonas, I know I gave you that planet to do on your own. I know that’s a lot of stress.
You’re ready for it, despite your best efforts.
(A moment.)
Also, there’s a lot of doodling for all the paperwork from that planet and I do not want to
do it.
JONAS
Okay, but I don’t know if it’s folder material.
7.
8.
BETHANY
Probably not.
JONAS
Yeah, you’re right.
BETHANY
This is new. You’re thinking about it.
JONAS
I’ve just been doing so much organization for the folder and... I really don’t want to add
to the cruft of it, you know?
BETHANY
I think you’d be great at it.
JONAS
Yeah, I know, that’s why I’m really thinking about it.
BETHANY
Huh. Okay. Personal development. Let’s explore this more.
JONAS
It’s a societal collapse.
BETHANY
It has to be.
JONAS
It does?
BETHANY
It can’t be a slide back without it.
JONAS
What about when a meteor hits?
BETHANY
That’s still a collapse. It doesn’t really matter what causes the collapse, it just matters
that society collapsed. Meteors. Plagues. Wars. Elections. You name it. It’s all a collapse.
JONAS
What about marketing?
8.
9.
BETHANY
It counts and also, what?
JONAS
Like, say there’s a really popular restaurant.
BETHANY
Okay.
JONAS
And it’s everywhere.
BETHANY
Yeah, it’s popular.
JONAS
And it gives everyone food poisoning and they die.
BETHANY
Everyone?
JONAS
Not vegetarians.
BETHANY
Oh, of course.
JONAS
That’s a collapse?
BETHANY
Yeah. That’s a collapse.
JONAS
And that happens a lot?
BETHANY
Collapses happen all of the time. Sometimes it’s a slide back, usually not. You see,
there’s a very small window where a slide back happens. If the society never broke past
that barrier they can collapse all they want and it won’t make any different in the world.
If they broke past the barrier, a collapse might not even do them in. There’s only a few
thousand years where a slide back can happen at all.
9.
10.
Collapses are common, slide backs only happen sometimes.
JONAS
Depressing.
BETHANY
Try living through one.
JONAS
You lived through a collapse?
BETHANY
Constantly.
JONAS
Okay. Let’s focus we’re talking about me now.
BETHANY
Yeah, the vegetarians survived.
JONAS
And you know vegetarians, they usually have vegetarian friends and some of them even
know how to garden. It was really idyllic for a while there, if you like salad.
BETHANY
I can’t eat salad on these new meds.
JONAS
At ALL?
BETHANY
Yeah. Somehow no salad.
JONAS
Why?
BETHANY
I don’t know, Jonas, nobody knows. I can have all the ingredients individually but put
them together and it’s deadly. I just do what it says on the bottle.
10.
11.
JONAS
Anyways, everything was great and then in a handful of generations the splinters of the
old society reformed into a new civilization.
BETHANY
Dedicated to the vegetarian lifestyle.
JONAS
No, everything was great so the rebels had to find something to rebel against and,
honestly, nobody really cared all that much. Lots of vegetarians. Lots of meat eaters.
Hanging out in the ruins of an actually really advanced civilization. Sent some people to
their moons, but no off-world colonies to keep track of. Maybe one really big sports
championship up on one of the nicer moons every year, but that’s it.
Then, one day, every meat eater on the planet drops dead. The people that are left are
just people. Some of them know how electricity and plumbing work, most of them don’t.
Which is a shame.
BETHANY
Do you know how those things work?
JONAS
I know how to use them.
BETHANY
That’s not the same thing, Jonas.
JONAS
I could probably figure it out if I had to.
BETHANY
That’s also not the same thing, Jonas.
JONAS
Listen, plumbing and electricity are basically the same thing, plumbing just has thicker
wires.
BETHANY
Do you mean pipes?
11.
12.
JONAS
Yes. That’s the only difference. If all the electricity and plumbing goes out I only have to
learn one thing. You know what they say, when you have a hammer everything looks like
a nail.
BETHANY
Jonas, we’re on a ship. If the electricity goes out we just die.
JONAS
Not if I’m around, Bethany.
BETHANY
It’s not fair, actually, that I have to worry about you and you don’t have to worry about
me.
JONAS
Oh, Bethany. I’m worried about you.
BETHANY
Wait, what do you mean by that?
JONAS
Anyways, these little splinter cultures grew up in the ruins of this advanced world,
completely cut off from one another. Eventually, all the people born before the collapse
die and then all the people who knew them die too. Nobody remembers the great
poisoning themselves. Nobody knows anyone who remembers it. Nobody knows anyone
who knows anyone who was there. You get it, right Bethany?
BETHANY
Why are you worried about me? What is there to worry about?
JONAS
This, for starters. Now it’s my turn again.
BETHANY
What does that mean?
JONAS
The point is, nobody remembers who built all of these ruins. Nobody knows what all
these thick wires are for. All the language has changed. All that’s left is the knowledge that
something, something killed most of the people on the planet. These questions, these
mysteries, drive the splintered people of this world to a single spot: the labyrinth.
12.
13.
BETHANY
Listen, there is no reason to worry about me. I’m fine.
JONAS
Wait, were you listening?
BETHANY
Just tell me you’re not worried about me.
JONAS
That was like, a killer hook.
BETHANY
I just... you can’t worry about me. I have it all together. And you’re you. So, there’s only
one person here to worry about.
JONAS
You are sweating a lot right now.
BETHANY
I’m not, actually.
JONAS
Yeah. Okay. You’re not sweating.
BETHANY
Yeah, I’m not.
JONAS
There’s not sweat anywhere on you.
BETHANY
That’s right. No sweat.
JONAS
Right. Okay. I can’t actually say I’m not worried about you right now, though, because of
everything that is definitely not leaking out of your pores.
13.
14.
BETHANY
It’s a normal reaction to stimuli.
(A moment to stew in this.)
Jonas, it’s your turn. Right now.
JONAS
The labyrinth.
(A moment.)
It just doesn’t land if I have to do it again.
BETHANY
TAKE YOUR TURN JONAS.
(A moment.)
Please don’t cry.
JONAS
I won’t.
(Crying a little.)
I’m sorry. You scared me.
BETHANY
It’s okay. I’m sorry I’m sweating.
JONAS
(Through a little bit of tears.)
It’s okay. It’s the yelling part that was scary.
BETHANY
Okay. I’m sorry about that then.
(Trying to distract more than comfort.)
Just... keep telling me about the labyrinth.
JONAS
Okay.
(Pulling themself together a little bit.)
Do you remember the big greyish brown island?
14.
15.
BETHANY
Yeah?
JONAS
So that whole continent was one big labyrinth. And the thing that finally bridged the gap
between all this isolated cultures was the drive to discover what lies at the center of it.
Maybe, they thought, the key to what happened to their lost world lay at the center of
the labyrinth.
BETHANY
It was probably a maze.
JONAS
What?
BETHANY
It probably wasn’t a labyrinth. It was probably a maze.
JONAS
What’s the difference?
BETHANY
A maze has a bunch of different pathways and dead ends. A labyrinth doesn’t. It just has
one path.
JONAS
Oh. Okay, so it was a maze, then. Labyrinth sounds cooler, but I guess it was a maze all
along.
BETHANY
Yeah. The difference matters a lot to me.
JONAS
Okay, then fine, it was a maze.
BETHANY
It seems like this is really throwing you off.
JONAS
It’s my turn again.
15.
16.
BETHANY
It wasn’t even my turn yet.
JONAS
(No longer holding back tears.)
We are skipping your turn.
BETHANY
There isn’t a hole on you that isn’t leaking right now.
JONAS
Same for you but yours is sweat.
BETHANY
I thought we had agreed that the sweating wasn’t happening.
JONAS
We did, but not any more. Now we’re both as wet as we can be. And it’s your fault.
(They take a deep breath. And center
themself.)
I can stop from crying, but you can’t stop from sweating. I am going to be the bigger
person here.
(They clear their throat.)
The maze became an obsession for the world. The glue that brought them back together.
What was at it’s center? Why was it built? Is it dangerous? If it’s dangerous, why did
they leave the door open? What did all of these colorful signs on the outside mean, if they
meant anything at all?
Solve the maze, solve the mystery.
Nobody makes an army because nobody has to go to war, they just make runner teams
who dive deeper and deeper into the maze. Some come back and report the same greyish
brown walls we saw from space. Most don’t come back, lost deep in the maze starving to
death.
It’s cement. It’s the size of the continent. Nothing grows there. There are no animals. The
walls stretch high into the sky and no one has invented a plane yet so that’s not an
option.
16.
17.
Just grey walls and skeletons. And whatever is at the center of the maze.
Do you need to take a break?
BETHANY
Why would I?
JONAS
If I say it you’ll yell at me.
BETHANY
Say what Jonas?
JONAS
You’re melting.
BETHANY
Ah, but that’s the thing, I’m not.
JONAS
No, Bethany, you’re actually melting and I’m scared in the worried way not in the
frightened way.
BETHANY
What a strange way to use words, Jonas. Personally, I disagree.
JONAS
Do you need to use the waste removal station or something?
BETHANY
No. I’m good.
JONAS
Okay.
BETHANY
It’s still your turn, Jonas. Go ahead and continue taking your turn.
JONAS
Okay, but if I win you need to check if you have any allergies to this new medication.
17.
18.
BETHANY
Oh, this is a game?
JONAS
Yes, obviously. Anyways. For hundreds of years, the people of this planet, it’s second
civilization, dedicate their society to the study of this lone phenomenon from the old
world. Then, finally, after generations of fruitless efforts, someone makes it.
(A long pause.)
You’re supposed to say, “And?”
BETHANY
(Wetly.)
Why?
JONAS
Because I’m trying to build suspense.
BETHANY
(Wetly.)
Is it working?
JONAS
I... hope so. Why do you sound like that?
BETHANY
(Wetly.)
I don’t. But if I did. It might be the sound of someone drowning in their lungs.
JONAS
Okay.
Just don’t stain the floor anymore okay?
BETHANY
(Wetly.)
I don’t know how that would happen, given that I’m a solid.
18.
19.
JONAS
Right.
It was a coupon for a free year of food from the restaurant that killed everybody.
BETHANY
(Less wetly.)
That’s it?
JONAS
Yup. Then they mostly had wars after that. Then we incorporated them.
(Pausing,)
I don’t know if it goes in the folder or not.
BETHANY
(Wetly.)
You decide.
(A moment.)
For what it’s worth, I like it.
JONAS
But is it folder material? Civilizations collapse all the time. It seems like that’s just what
they do.
BETHANY
(Pulling themself together a bit.)
Do you want to know a secret?
JONAS
Sure.
BETHANY
Back when I was really into the swing of it, I would just add stuff to the folder any time
it made me feel something. Did this one make you feel something?
JONAS
Yeah.
19.
20.
BETHANY
Then you decide.
JONAS
I’ll add it.
BETHANY
Good choice.
(Wetly again.)
Now put me in... several buckets and take me to the med bay. I’m a mess.
END
20.