1-16 Reality Augmentation

In which Bethany and Jonas both have a contest and discuss a group that actually wanted to be incorporated.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Joe Hanson as Derrick

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jewel and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

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Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

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Transcript

Scene 1
Music type things happen, as they usually do. 
A pen scratching.

JONAS
…And it was the weirdest thing, because I looked in the mirror and I didn’t see ME, but 
at the same time I knew I was looking at myself, but it was totally different.

BETHANY
I regret being at this stage of friendship with you.

JONAS
I’m out of pages in my dream journal and you promised me I could have the one you 
never use.

BETHANY
Yeah, but I forgot it.

JONAS
So where am I supposed to keep my dreams? Wait, hold that thought.

BETHANY
I wasn’t going to respond to that.

JONAS
Oh you know who I looked like? I looked like... oh, what’s their name? They came by the 
office the other day just to say hi... what was it?

BETHANY
Nobody comes by our office to say hi.

JONAS
No, they did, they said hi and made a joke about the door.

BETHANY
Derrick? Do you mean Derrick?

JONAS
Yes! Yes, it was Derrick. I looked exactly like Derrick.

BETHANY
Derrick didn’t come by to say hi. Derrick came by to remind us that we’re the only 
department on the ship that doesn’t have a door.

JONAS
They must have been pretty friendly about it since they made their way into my dream as me.
Anyways, I was Derrick and myself and there was also a doctor telling me it was time to 
donate my gland.

BETHANY
Please no doctor stuff.

JONAS
Don’t worry, this was a fake doctor from a dream.
I asked which gland I was supposed to donate and the doctor pulled out this huge wheel 
with all my glands on it and spun the wheel. Then they said, “Looks like it’s your lucky 
day, we’re taking your secret gland,” and I said, “I didn’t know I had a secret gland,” and 
they said, “It wouldn’t be a secret if you did!”

BETHANY
You know, it being a fake dream doctor didn’t actually make that any better because I still 
had to hear it.

JONAS
I am one free dream journal away from you never having to hear this again.

BETHANY
I know I forgot, but if I knew it would have been like THIS I would have just bought one 
on the way here. Jonas, you are torture wearing a smile.

JONAS
It’s the third shift in a row that you’ve forgotten it and I have a lot of dreams that I don’t 
want to forget. What if this becomes important?

BETHANY
The... doctor?

JONAS
I don’t know all my glands, Bethany. Nobody knows all my glands.

BETHANY
Jonas, listen to me, this place has crushed all of my dreams. If you fill me up with all of 
your dreams, I don’t know what I’ll become.

JONAS
You’ll become just like me.
(A moment.)
Unless you remember the journal next shift.

BETHANY
I’ll do my best.

JONAS
Great.
(A moment.)
And I haven’t even gotten to the best part of the dream.

BETHANY
Please, Jonas, let me lose myself fully in this form.

JONAS
If I don’t say the important part, I might forget it. And, if that happens, I will make it 
your problem.

BETHANY
Do I have to listen?

JONAS
Yes. Explicitly.

BETHANY
Fine. But skip to the most important part.

JONAS
After the doctor took my secret gland, we were building our own spaceship, but we 
didn’t have any metal or wires so instead we had to keep pulling each other’s teeth out 
and gluing them together.
(A long moment.)
Isn’t that bonkers?

BETHANY
Sure, Jonas.

JONAS
Then we rode the ship to a planet made out of bread, but we couldn’t eat any bread 
because neither of us had any teeth. That was the good part. It was good because it was 
ironic. If only I could write it in a dream journal.

BETHANY
That’s great, Jonas.

JONAS
You’re not listening to me.

BETHANY
I can’t imagine what it’s like to be ignored. How’s the Pre-Incorporation Extinction 
History Catalogue and Manifest Form coming along?

JONAS
Could you actually help with it?

BETHANY
Sure. Fine. But I’m not just doing it for you again.

JONAS
That’s fine, I just need you to answer a question.

BETHANY
Sure. Ask away.

JONAS
Do I have to do all of this or is there an easy way?

BETHANY
All of what?

JONAS
Do I have to put each extinct species in here?

BETHANY
What, no, have you been doing that?

JONAS
What? No.
(A paper gets crumpled up.)
How do I do this?

BETHANY
You just list each kingdom of species and then list the number of species in each kingdom 
that went extinct. You do not need to find the number of each creature that died.
(A moment.)
Just find the numbers first. Don’t look at any animals until you absolutely have to.

JONAS
Oh, thank goodness. Some of them are cute and the rest of them give me nightmares.

BETHANY
And I don’t want to hear about those nightmares, so, please, just look up the numbers. Is 
there anything else?

JONAS
Yeah, I need pictures of fossils.

BETHANY
You have to make those.

JONAS
Really?

BETHANY
We used to have a laser that would burn it onto the paper, but somebody in the Paper, 
Wood, Gasoline, Pure Oxygen and Hydrogen Storage and Separation Facility decided to 
mess around with one a few cycles back and now we have to draw all the fossils by hand.

JONAS
Did they die?

BETHANY
Everybody dies, Jonas. Especially if they’re lucky.

JONAS
And now I get to doodle?

BETHANY
Yes.

JONAS
A noble death.

BETHANY
And Jonas?

JONAS
Yeah?

BETHANY
No one will ever check what the fossil was supposed to look like.

JONAS
I’m sorry for using you as a dream journal.

BETHANY
You’re not sorry Jonas. But you’re welcome, anyways.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Salutations, spacers! Have you ever wondered what it was like to be planetside? Wonder 
no longer! Thanks to advancements in long break-adjacent technologies, you and spacers 
like you can finally experience the crushing weight of planetside’s organic gravity! Feel 
your bones crackle, your joints buckle, and your hairs grow rapidly longer and less 
manageable in real, excruciating time. If that sounds unpleasant, you should feel lucky 
that you get to live your whole life in comfortable, endless space. Planetside, it’s not for 
everybody, and probably not for you. And if it’s not for you, remember, you’re always 
welcome here. Productivity is happiness.

Scene 2

JONAS
Hey, I really like that you let me do all the forms that I get to draw on.

BETHANY
There are more, actually. This is the Planet-Wide Religious and Mythological Symbolism 
and Iconography Collection Form. You just have to copy down whatever the big religions 
painted everywhere.

JONAS
How come I’ve never heard of these forms before?

BETHANY
These are pretty rare forms to come up, honestly.

JONAS
Well, I appreciate it either way.

BETHANY
Don’t make them too detailed, there are plenty of other forms we need to get through.

JONAS
Will people check these for accuracy?

BETHANY
Of course not, Jonas.

JONAS
Look at me, enjoying work.

BETHANY
Proud of you, Jonas.

A moment.

JONAS
Oh, come on, they didn’t even use cool symbols. They just used numbers.

BETHANY
That happens more often than you’d think.

JONAS
What am I supposed to do with a bunch of numbers?

BETHANY
Draw them.

JONAS
You can’t pull the “make Jonas do work by convincing them it’s actually fun drawing 
time,” trick on me twice in one shift Bethany. Drawing numbers is just writing, and 
writing is just work, and work is just terrible.

BETHANY
Grumble quieter.

JONAS
(Quieter.)
Just a bunch of numbers. Such a boring religion.

BETHANY
And that’s the end of the Non-Edible Mushroom and Fungus Study and Reform 
Certificate. No drawing on that one.
(A moment.)
One time the symbol I had to laser etch onto the paper was an image of our ship.

JONAS
(A moment.)
Do tell.

BETHANY
When you’re older and wiser.

JONAS
I can do one of those by this evening and I’ll let you choose which.

BETHANY
Finish the form, Jonas. Then you get the reward.

ANNOUNCEMENT
This is your now hourly reminder that, starting last week, no form of adhesive is allowed 
on the ship without proper written approval. This is also a reminder that any substance 
that reaches an appropriate level of stickiness do to intentional chemical tomfoolery or 
general negligence will be considered an adhesive. If there is any confusion, any substance 
that could qualify as an adhesive will be judged by an arbiter who will punish the 
adhesive and its creator and/or owner appropriately. Productivity is happiness.

Scene 3

BETHANY
Jonas, I do not understand this organization system at all.

JONAS
It’s intuitive.

BETHANY
I am telling you it is not.

JONAS
It’s intuitive if you haven’t been piling stories in there willy-nilly for goodness-knows-how-long.

BETHANY
Oh, look at that, this entry USED to be right after the one we’re looking for, but now it’s 
behind one of the mushroom stories, for some reason.

JONAS
…Is it a mushroom story?

BETHANY
That’s not the point, Jonas. Your organization system doesn’t make sense.
(A Moment.)
Found it. Just one story today and back to work, even if it doesn’t involve doodling.

JONAS
Deal.

BETHANY
Vibrate on it.

Both Vibrate.

JONAS
Okay, now read it.

BETHANY
(Clearing their throat.)
It started as a small seed. 
Someone, somewhere, who had a name that does not matter, saw a star shoot across the 
sky. That was our ship, millions of their lifetimes ago, hurtling through the stars, doing our job.
Now, this was before your time, and frankly my time, but our ship used to fly past this 
planet regularly.

JONAS
But we didn’t incorporate it?

BETHANY
No.

JONAS
Why not?

BETHANY
Jonas, if we were making those decisions I would have an office door and you would have been fired by now.
Every hundred or so of their years, we’d streak across their sky. Something about an 
abnormal gravity well just behind their sun made it so the company could save a couple 
of cents on taxes every cycle while bouncing back to one of the warehouses where we 
drop off all the stuff we incorporate.
All that was seen was the bright flash of our black-hole warp drive expelling all the light 
it’s eaten over the millennia. It looks different than any comets or meteors. It’s like a little 
bit of sun for a moment in the night sky. Beautiful, if you don’t know what it means. 
Absolutely astonishing if you haven’t invented glass yet.
Then, thousands of years after that, they invented glass. The people that knew how to 
use glass pointed it at the sky and waited for us to come around.
They didn’t see anything, of course, we’re catapulting through space and they were using 
the world’s third ever telescope.

JONAS
I used to have a telescope.

BETHANY
Yeah, Jonas, that’s because we’re an advanced species and telescopes are toys to us.
Anyways, they all gave up, except for one of them whose name also doesn’t matter. 
Telescopes got better. We’re still too fast. Now they can take photos. Now they can take 
photos with telescopes. We’re still too fast. 
More people are getting curious about us again. They’re living longer. Most people will 
live long enough to see us once in their lifetimes. People have theories. They’re bad. One 
person has a theory: That’s heaven. Everyone laughs. I also laugh.

JONAS
They thought the ship was heaven?

BETHANY
One person very loudly thought the ship was heaven. Everyone laughed at them and then 
they died. Now they have electricity, they have photography, they have telescopes, and 
they have long enough lives to make a plan. Science happens. They get a grainy photo of 
our ship. Someone remembers the dead person who thought we were heaven. Now two 
people think we might be heaven. One of them is dead, the other one is alive. The living 
one tells a few people. They don’t laugh this time. Those few people start meeting on the 
weekends and looking at the stars. They write some stuff down.

JONAS
Like a holy text.

BETHANY
Like an essay of very dedicated, well-argued, heartfelt nonsense “proving” that our ship 
was heaven. They looked at the grainy photo a lot. They brought new folks around. 
Those new folks brought new folks who had a lot of money and convinced the new folks 
with a lot of money that heaven was careening through space and the People on it, that 
being us, were the stewards and caretakers of the highest afterlife.

JONAS
I don’t feel like I’m a good steward.

BETHANY
I don’t feel like either of us are. But if it pays better than this gig, I’d try it.

JONAS
Why don’t you ever apply to those internal promotion things I see around?

BETHANY
Why don’t you stick your tentacles in the rodent traps in the waste removal holes, 
Jonas? Why don’t you do that any more?

JONAS
Because after half a dozen times, I learned Bethany.

BETHANY
Me too, Jonas.
Anyways, the folks with money wanted to be sure they had somewhere to put all their 
money after they died, so they started funding this whole science thing and, lo-and behold, the next time we swing by they get a good picture of us. Lots of rejoicing. More 
people start coming by on the weekends to talk about heaven. Too many people. They 
need a building to do the talking in so some of the rich ones pool their money together and 
build something that looks sort of like our ship from one angle. That building is empty 
except for once a week. Most of the people who built it are dead by the next time we 
drive by.

JONAS
Well, they did make it to... their heaven.

BETHANY
Yeah, eventually, I guess. And we are their stewards, technically... so... I’m not going to 
think about that any more.

JONAS
We could look them up, if we wanted.

BETHANY
We’re not doing that.

JONAS
That’s a good call. Every time I look at genetics I get sad and I don’t know why.

BETHANY
At this point, I know quite a few doctors who could pretend to help with that.

JONAS
That makes me sadder.

BETHANY
Not as sad as when their telescopes could finally track us as we screamed across their 
sky. They watched us, in real time, give or take however long it took the light to reach 
their planet, pass on by and consume another planet just barely within their visual range. 
They weren’t a majority religion at that point, they were barely noticed in mainstream 
society, but once all these fanatics saw a whole planet plucked from the night sky and 
consumed by heaven, a whole lot of them started wondering why they weren’t chosen. 
The answer? Not enough people were ready for heaven. The solution? Get everybody 
ready for heaven right now.

JONAS
Marketing?

BETHANY
Marketing.

JONAS
It’s always marketing.

DERRICK
Knock knock.
(70s canned laughter.)
Just kidding. How could I knock on your door if you don’t have one?

BETHANY
You knock on the door frame, Derrick.

DERRICK
Ha. Yeah. No I’m not doing that. Anyways, thought I’d pop in for just a second since it 
seems like it’s your open office hours.
(More laughter.)
Right? Right?

JONAS
Derrick! You were sort of in my dream last night.

DERRICK
Right back at you, Jonas.

JONAS
Really?

DERRICK
Well, I don’t remember any doors, and a lack of doors reminds me of you. Anyways, 
working hard or hardly working?

BETHANY
Actually, we’re

DERRICK
Rhetorical question, Bethany. Don’t answer it.

BETHANY
Do you have a job, Derrick? Or do you just clock in to annoy us?

DERRICK
(A bit taken back.)
What did you just say to one of your superiors?

A tense moment.

JONAS
You know what, Derrick? I don’t remember a door from my dream last night either. Do 
you think that means something?

DERRICK
(Back at it.)
I think that means you’re keeping your options open, Jonas. It’s time for me to get back 
to the office, unless I’ve locked myself out, of course. I’ll try not to slam the door on my 
way out.
(More laughter.)
Just kidding, because you don’t have a door.

Derrick slides away.

JONAS
What WAS that, Bethany?

BETHANY
That was out loud?

JONAS
Are you... yeah, that was out loud, Bethany.

BETHANY
I really thought I kept it in my head. I usually keep it in my head.

JONAS
Yeah, I know, but that time it really, very much, wasn’t in your head.

BETHANY
Huh.

JONAS
Is that going to be okay?

BETHANY
Of course.
(A moment.)
Derrick sucks. What’re they going to do about it?

ANNOUNCEMENT
For those that are not aware, or have been asked to remain unaware of such matters, there 
were doughnuts in the breakroom of the Department of Agricultural Philosophy. The 
doughnuts, which were purchased and provided as reward for the hardworking logic farmers of the department have all been consumed. If you did not get one of these 
doughnuts or did not know that these doughnuts were available, than please be advised 
that there are no more doughnuts. If this makes you sad, remember: you did not have 
doughnuts before either. Happiness is productivity.

Scene 4 

JONAS
Okay, we’re a couple more forms in. Let’s finish the story.

BETHANY
They get incorporated.

JONAS
That’s how all the stories end.

BETHANY
Yeah, you’ve solved the mystery.

JONAS
I want to know all the middle bits.

BETHANY
Why?

JONAS
Because... that’s the whole reason we have the folder, right?

BETHANY
I really should do this form.

JONAS
Are you worried someone is going to come here because of what you said to Derrick and 
you want to be working when someone comes here because otherwise it’ll look bad? 

BETHANY
I’m actually extremely worried about exactly that, but now it’s in words and I can have 
those words looping around in my head over and over again instead of the vague unease 
I’ve come to know and love. Thanks, Jonas. Thank you.

JONAS
No problem.
(A sigh.)
If only there was something we could do about that.

BETHANY
We could work, Jonas, until all the thoughts go away.
(A moment.)
Here, I’ll tell you what. If you manage to catch up to all the work I’ve done and we end 
the day 50/50 or, somehow, you beat me out, I’ll finish the story. Otherwise, you have to 
leave me to drown my sorrows in work. Deal?

JONAS
Deal. What do you need done?

BETHANY
Good luck Jonas.

JONAS
I don’t need luck, I just need a... wait... wait, Bethany are you starting?

Papers start to fly, pens start to scratch.

JONAS
Okay, this one is the insect and fungus cohabitation and consolation form and it’s done. 
Now I’m doing the... sub-prime mortgage debt acquisition and ignition form? What does 
that mean?

BETHANY
New rule: I can’t help you.

JONAS
But I don’t know how to do my job without your direct help.

BETHANY
You did a whole planet by yourself, Jonas.

JONAS
Yeah, but that was an easy one.

BETHANY
That was an easy one.

JONAS
So help me.

A moment.

BETHANY
No.

More paper, more pens, more perforated pages tearing.

JONAS
Do you have the glue-paper?

BETHANY
The what?

JONAS
The glue paper. The paper with the glue on it.

BETHANY
The sticky paper?

JONAS
Yeah.

BETHANY
Jonas we’re not allowed adhesives.

JONAS
What? Since when?

BETHANY
You actually stopped listening to the announcements?

JONAS
The what?

Pens and paper flying around. Staplers going mad.

BETHANY
Are you counting your forms?

JONAS
I thought we were going by weight?

BETHANY
Why would we go by weight?

JONAS
Because I don’t want to count anything?

BETHANY
Okay, well I’ve been counting and if you haven’t been... I guess that means I’m winning.

JONAS
What? No. I can count them.

Shuffling papers. Scratching. 

JONAS
We have to go by weight.

BETHANY
Stop bringing it up, it’s not happening.

JONAS
But this form is so long.

BETHANY
Which form?

JONAS
This one. The one that rolls up like a scroll.

BETHANY
You filled out the full Likelihood That Any Two Organisms On The Planet Are Cousins 
That Have Feelings For Each Other They Can’t Explain or Acknowledge Chart?

JONAS
Yeah, the LTATOOTPACTHFFEOTCEAC.

BETHANY
With full percentages?

JONAS
Yeah.

BETHANY
And you showed your work?

JONAS
Yeah, it said I had to.

BETHANY
And you included two examples in the write-up?

JONAS
I only had to include two?

BETHANY
Jonas I can’t believe I’m about to say this but, yes, we can judge by weight instead of 
number of forms.

JONAS
Okay in that case...
(A large thud as Jonas drops the scroll into 
their box.)
Can we weigh them now?

BETHANY
Do you have a scale?

JONAS
I thought you did.

BETHANY
Why would I have a scale?

JONAS
It just seems like the sort of thing you’d have.

BETHANY
What does that mean?

JONAS
I’ll be right back.

ANNOUNCEMENT
Hello everyone, just a reminder that the ships automated psychologist requires you to 
report any illegal thoughts to any nearby psychoanalytical or behavioral kiosk. 
Remember, nobody can stop thought crime except for those that think the crimes. 
Happiness is productivity.

Scene 5

JONAS
(Huffing and puffing.)
I found a scale.

BETHANY
And I just got done with a few more forms.

JONAS
What? That’s not fair.

BETHANY
Too bad. Are you ready?

JONAS
Wait, let me do a few more

BETHANY
Nope. Weighing now... And...

JONAS
And I won?

BETHANY
And you won.

JONAS
Really?

BETHANY
Yes, you did more pounds of work than I did.

JONAS
I feel... accomplished?

BETHANY
Yeah, you came up with the goal after already being pretty sure you accomplished it. Do 
you still want to hear more of the story?

JONAS
No. ARE YOU KIDDING ME BETHANY OF COURSE I DO.

BETHANY
(Flipping through some pages.)
Where were we?
They had to get everybody ready for heaven. Which means they had to start spreading 
the good word. There were a couple of other religions on planet, but the believers didn’t 
feel like they had the time to mature like those other, fake religions.

JONAS
Haven’t they already taken hundreds and hundreds of years to get to the point they’re 
at?

BETHANY
Yes.

JONAS
So what did they do?

BETHANY
Viral marketing campaign augmented reality game.

JONAS
That sounds... so cool.

BETHANY
Jonas, I worry about you sometimes.

JONAS
How did it work?

BETHANY
They painted pictures of our ship all over the place, but each one was a little bit different. 
The patterns on the side of our ship werewas code, and putting that code into an application 
on a personal computer translated it to coordinates of another painting, which lead to 
another painting, which led to more and more paintings. Each one you found meant you 
got more points. The high scores were updated at the end of every day. 
This guaranteed a couple of things, first: the people finding these paintings had to be 
dedicated enough to keep digging. 
Second: the people who kept digging had to have enough money to travel all over the world, so when they joined up the believers could use their money to further their cause. 
Third: Everyone playing the game had already bought into it and fourth: everyone not 
playing the game had to listen to the players drone on and on about their race to the finish line.
It worked, and the believers threw a massive party for the first dozen people to find their 
temple. Nobody else was invited. But a few more were invited to the next, bigger party. 
And then the fear of missing out did the rest. Everyone who was not a believer wanted to 
be one.

JONAS
How did they send out the signal they were ready to ascend?

BETHANY
They tried all sorts of things. They made up rules and got everyone to live by them. 
They shot radio signals into space. They covered the planet in lights and made them all 
flash “Ready for Heaven” day and night blinding a good portion of the planet. They tried 
sacrifices. They tried pretending not to care. And you know what worked?

JONAS
(A moment.)
What?

BETHANY
None of it. We incorporated them before we ever noticed their signals.

JONAS
Did they know that?

BETHANY
I have a note here that the last thing any of them ever said was, “I always knew if I 
finished all this paperwork I’d make it into heaven.”

JONAS
Wow. Imagine thinking you brought your whole planet to heaven by doing your day job.

BETHANY
To be clear, the machine is bad at sarcasm. We don’t know if they actually believed that 
or not.

JONAS
I hope they did.

BETHANY
Why?

JONAS
Because they would have been right. Their heaven is full of paperwork and we’re stuck 
here taking care of whatever is left of them.

BETHANY
I don’t know. I want someone’s last words to be more spiteful and less ironically correct 
than that.

JONAS
I’d rather believe in something.

BETHANY
One of the doctors offers a pill for that, too.

END