1-21 The Trick

In which magic completely engulfs a small section of the ship.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as far too many people.
Joe Hanson as Seriously we're just taking advantage
Katie Ploetz as of our proud stable of voice actors.

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

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Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Jewel, and Sakura.

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Transcript

Episode 21 - The Trick

Scene 1

JONAS: Hey Bethany, you know how you’ve told me to stop vibrating with excitement three times so far today because it’s making your writing sloppy from all the motion sickness? 
BETHANY: Yes.
JONAS: Well, would it help you at all to know WHY there has been so much vibrational excitement?
BETHANY: No.
JONAS: I’ll take that as a yes. I got a present yesterday.
BETHANY: My jealousy knows no bounds.
JONAS: Wanna see it?
BETHANY: Oh good golly gosh, do I have a choice?
JONAS: You have the illusion of choice.
BETHANY: I told myself this morning I was gonna fight less unwinnable battles…
JONAS: I’ll take that as a yes, too.
We hear a sound not unlike the unsheathing of a sword.
JONAS: Gilded cards. Rare deck. Only 19 ever made. Special family delivery.
BETHANY: Your Caregivers gave them to you? I thought you were still a disappointment.
JONAS: Oh, I absolutely am. These are from a sibling. They make them, so they get them for free. You should see their second hut, walls are covered with card memorabilia. Hates themselves though. Won’t see anybody about it. Really starting to bother some of the family, if I’m being honest. Causing a few of us to lose sleep. I think sometimes we all wonder if there isn’t a genetic component to unhappi- 
BETHANY: Are you just showing me this gift as a way to unload about your family troubles?
JONAS: Absolutely not, they’re just nice cards. Distractingly nice, in fact. Here, check ‘em out.
The sound of a sword swishing through the air.
BETHANY: They are nice cards.
JONAS: Distractingly nice, even. 
BETHANY: Do you mind if I shuffle them?
JONAS: Sure, I never learned how to shuffle.
BETHANY: Really?
JONAS: We always had auto-shufflers at our card tables, we didn’t have to do all that work.
BETHANY: Here, let me show you.
A thousand knives cut the air.
BETHANY: Just like that.
JONAS: Just like that? That was amazing.
BETHANY: It’s just your basic shuffle.
JONAS: You can do that without the auto-shuffle exotic card manipulator extended warranty version, edition XL??
BETHANY: Most People can.
JONAS: Okay, sure, yeah, if I ask around I’m sure most people can do THAT. You never give yourself enough credit, Bethany. That was magical.
BETHANY: Go ahead and ask around, Jonas. And while you’re asking around, can you go make 82 copies of the new anti-waste directive that need to be nailed up in our very small office?
JONAS: As long as you don’t need me to find the nails, too.
BETHANY: We can’t afford you having nails again, Jonas.
Time passes.

Scene 2

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: The 10 new tenets of the Anti-Waste Directive are as follows: 
Tenet the first: the existence of an object, or group of objects, in a manner classified as waste shall be classified as waste if and only if the Director of the Anti-Waste Directive classifies the object or collection of objects as waste.
Time passes. 
JONAS: -and then, I swear I’m telling the truth, you’re looking at me like you don’t believe me, but believe it, okay, I just saw it, the cards…it was like they had a mind of their own. Floating on currents of stale office air from hand to hand, a deft ballet of skill and passion that nearly broke my mind as well as my hearts when I looked upon its glory.
RITA: I asked how many copies you need.
JONAS: Rhonda, it is Rhonda, right?
RITA: It’s Copy-Warden Rita, as well you know, Jonas.
JONAS: Rita, do you believe in love?
RITA: I believe in you telling me how many copies you need.
JONAS: How many? I have no idea, specifically, but I’m pretty sure one of those digits was a seven. 
RITA: Jonas, I don’t know if you know it, but I know for a fact that our equipment can’t print any number of copies with a seven in any digit spot. Superstitious batch of printers this cycle. 
JONAS: Well that narrows it down, doesn’t it?
RITA: Have you given any more thought to letting me tattoo a to-do list on your face so that every time you look at yourself in the mirror you know what you missed?
JONAS: I have, but I decided against it. I can’t read backwards.
RITA: I can do it backwards so when you look it’s actually forwards. You gotta learn to write backwards though.
JONAS: Rita, you know I want my first tattoo to be meaningful.
RITA: And you know I only do practical, utilitarian, useful, tattoos. None of that poetic “art” stuff you keep talking about.
JONAS: I don’t know if you know it, but I know for a fact there is a deep, untapped well of passion inside you Rita just waiting to make its way onto someone’s skin.
RITA: You haven’t been hurt like I’ve been hurt, Jonas. You don’t know the type of game you’re playing…
JONAS: I don’t know the rules, but I know I’m going to win.
RITA: I was young once, too, Jonas. I thought I could win. Now look at me. I’m the copy-warden on a hole-filled ship, passing papers around and wasting the rest of my miserable little life. You don’t win in love, Jonas, you just play until you're out of chips and the deck is always stacked against you.
JONAS: Here’s a secret I’ve been keeping my whole life, Rita. I don’t know how to play cards. That’s how I always come out on top.
RITA: Damn you, you beautiful bastard. Don’t give me hope. Not again. Don’t you dare make me care again.
JONAS: It’s too late, Rita. You’ve got to play the cards you’re dealt. Also, it was 28 copies. I just remembered.
RITA: Can’t be. 28 is divisible by seven.
JONAS: I guess we both told each other something we needed to hear.
Time passes

Scene 3

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the second: Waste that has been classified as waste must be labeled as such by qualified, verified, and notarized personnel. If waste has been deemed as waste by the Director of the Anti-Waste Directive and labeled as waste by personnel, then the waste can be moved from its original position to a new, undisclosed position, deemed appropriate by the Director of the Anti-Waste Directive.
Time passes.
RITA: – and it’s not like I’m emotionally barren or anything, I just don’t feel the need to be less than professional at work all the time, even with a coworker that I also see as a friend and dutifully pretend not to see as anything more. But Jonas just doesn’t know when to stop sometimes and they’ll keep prying and prying until suddenly – I think I’m crying. Am I crying?
OMAR: I don’t know. That’s why we have these talks in the Waste Removal area. It’s the beauty of the stalls. They hide everything. That’s why I spend every second I don’t have to be in the cafeteria in here. I can just be me. No big-wigs to attempt to impress with my ladle skills, no coworkers trying to one up my salad distribution, just me, naked, leaking a bevy of interesting and eye-watering smells. Occasionally a friend to have a pseudo-therapy session with. My tattoo artist, in this case.
RITA: I’m not an artist, Omar. Never call me that again.
OMAR: You’re just like my youngest child, I keep telling them to pursue their passions but they want to grow up to be just like me. “No,” I tell them, “That’s what your older, uglier siblings are for. You, you were born to bring beauty into this world with your experimental slam poetry.” “No, caregiver,” they tell me, “I was born to bring lunch into this world, and feed people every day on their ships, like you.” Never have kids, Rita.
RITA: Come on, Omar, it’s not that bad. I’ve never heard a slam poet I liked and neither have you, admit it.
OMAR: That’s what I thought until this kid came along. It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard before. It’s like magic.
RITA: And that’s another thing, all this talk is based around this apparently incredible magic trick that Bethany did that just blew Jonas’ mind, of course, and so it’s even more humiliating to be this upset about it, because all of this nonsense is just based on a deck of dumb, shiny, cards!
OMAR: Listen, my middle kid tried to do the whole close-up magic thing and I disowned them, so I get it. But, Rita, what’s really going on here?
RITA: Do you believe in Magic, Omar?
OMAR: Of course not. (Small pause.) Unless of course you’re talking about the magic of my kid’s experimental slam poetry.
RITA: I think it’s obvious that I’m not. I was Jonas’ age the last time I was in love. Maybe that’s all that’s going on here. I don’t know. They’re so young, and I’m so…me. 
OMAR: Oh, Rita, that’s what makes our toilet time so great. That you’re you.
RITA: Yeah, I’m me, I’m this aging, loveless, copy-warden, covered in self-administered to-do lists. But you know the thing I’ve been too scared to put on any of them, Omar? Feel something. Number one, underlined, with a bullet. When did I become this? I used to have dreams, I used to care about things…if this were a couple millenia ago, I would’ve asked Jonas to entwine their eye stalks with mine right there and then, but I just lost it somewhere along the way. Somewhere along the way I just lost the passion for…me. I guess.
OMAR: I’m sorry, Rita. That’s tough. That’s real tough.
RITA: Yeah… (Small pause.) Speaking of tough, do you have an extra clog-removal disk on your side?
OMAR: It’s the last one, but…you’re a friend.
Small pause. An incredibly horrific de-clogging noise.
RITA: Omar?
OMAR: Yeah?
RITA: Thanks.
Time passes.

Scene 4

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the third: In order for living personnel to be classified as Waste, a Personnel Waste Tribunal must be assembled, and the resulting sentence agreed to by at least 9% of the general tribunal. Waste Sentencing is final, and the decisions of the Personnel Waste Tribunal are not to be questioned or discussed. Lest we forget.
Time passes.
OMAR: – and that was pretty much it. It really seemed like it was bothering them, so I had to stick around and help, you know. It was an incredible circumstance. Plus, I’m getting really good at this Waste Removal therapy. That’s not really applicable to anything, I’m just excited about it. Would you like a side of blue milk with that? 
LUZ: And that’s why you’re late?
OMAR: That’s why I’m late…today. Blue milk, anyone?
LUZ: Rita, the copy-warden, heard about a card trick so magical that it made them fall in love with Jonas as well as completely rethink the way they interact with their life, emotionally? 
OMAR: Or something like that, anyway. Blue milk? No? Why doesn’t anybody want blue milk today?
Small pause.
LUZ: You know, I could really stand to fall in love again.
OMAR: Luz, aren’t you married to, like, 8 People?
LUZ: 9. But I don’t love a single one. It was all for the money but it turns out if you spend a bunch more money than you make, it all goes away. I’ll never have any money, I’ve never had the kind of drive that gets a person money,  but maybe, maybe, if someone loves me enough, they’ll have some money.
OMAR: If just hearing about that magic trick can get Rita to feel anything again, imagine what might happen if you saw it for yourself.
LUZ: And then what would I do?
OMAR: Well, what are you doing right now?
LUZ: Right now? I’m looking at someone who hasn’t sold a single sip of blue milk.
OMAR: I keep telling you not to put me directly after the Completely Normal Grapes. Nobody wants blue milk after seeing completely normal grapes.
LUZ: Not here, Omar. We’re not doing this here.
OMAR: Where then, Luz? Neither of us have an office. This is the space, Luz, this is the time, the time is now!
LUZ: If you wanna move the grapes, then you can move the grapes, I’ve said it a thousand times, do I need to say it again?
OMAR: This was never about the grapes and you know it! They’re just a gross catalyst at best!
LUZ: I didn’t kill that kid!
OMAR: You didn’t have to. Tell me you don’t see their blood on your face when you look in the mirror. You tell me that!
LUZ: And what gives you the right to remind me? You chose to take that life.
OMAR: I chose to love you.
LUZ: I could never love anyone that can’t sell blue milk.
Time passes.

Scene 5

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the fourth: Heed to the scrolls and that which is blessed by the Title of Waste, verily and so forth, and on and on. Heed to the Anti-Waste Director, who has gazed upon the unaltered scrolls in their glory and in their wrath. Heed to that which has been deemed waste. Heed to that which shall be deemed waste. Heed to the scrolls and how the scrolls shall end. Thou garbage. Thou refuse. Thou great waste.
Time passes.
RAFAEL: No no no, hold up. Slow down. One word at a time.
LUZ: (Agitated) But. Imagine. If. You. Didn’t. Need. Me. To. Talk. In. This. Infuriating. Rhythm.
RAFAEL: Don’t you tempt me with a heaven I’ll never know, it technically counts as a form of torture. Plus, it’s rude. 
LUZ: Heaven is here, Rafael, heaven is on this ship. And it’s going to shoot us straight to the top.
RAFAEL: One. Word. At. A. Time… Please.
LUZ: Heaven. Is. Here.
RAFAEL: Luz, I’m warning you… You do this all the time, and it never works out.
LUZ: We’ve. Never. Had. The. Power. Of. Magic. Before.
RAFAEL: You know the oath I’ve sworn to, Luz. Do not test my enhanced resolve.
LUZ: This newcomer, this absolute child in the world of work could be the child the Oragles spoke of in the scrolls. Able to disseminate from their very being the work ethic that will drive a single solitary Person to the wild heights of upper middle management.
RAFAEL: One word at a time, for the last time, please Luz. 
LUZ: The. Prophecy. Comes. True.
RAFAEL: Which one? The scrolls are filled with prophecies.
LUZ: You. Know. Which. One.
RAFAEL: I refuse to incubate the bastard spawn of the radioactive star-born.
LUZ: Okay. Never. Mind. I’m. Talking. About. The. Middle. Management. Magic. Trick.
RAFAEL: Our silliest named and most popular prophecy. Understood. Though my position on the radioactive star-born still stands.
LUZ: You have to quit talking about the radioactive star-born so much. People think it’s weird.
RAFAEL: One word at a-
LUZ: Stop. Your. Anti-. Star-born. Propaganda. Nonsense.
RAFAEL: I keep sending you the videos to watch that explain it, are you not watching the videos?
LUZ: No. Also, I never will. Please, stop sending me your terrible videos.
RAFAEL: What was that last part?
Big sigh from LUZ.
LUZ: I’ll. Watch. Them. Later.
RAFAEL: You keep saying that but you never do. This relationship has become a prison of our own design. Time after time I change myself for you, I dropped the last 87 letters off of my name, I got an inhibitor chip implanted that keeps me from loving my family until I’ve made enough money to satisfy your needs, I even fold socks in that weird way that stretches them out that you like. And you can’t watch one video because of its “hateful ideology” and “slander of innocent people”. I don’t know who you are any more.
LUZ: You know, it’s really not fair that you get to monologue at me, but I can’t at you.
RAFAEL: One word at a time please.
LUZ: Fine. The. Trick. Fix. Our. Relationship. Everybody. Happy.
RAFAEL: Damn you and your silver tongue. You just…you just know me. Give me those eye-stalks.
Time passes.

Scene 6

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the fifth: Work holidays will be scheduled at least 3 months prior, and put up on a calendar located in our outer offices. Please check this calendar regularly, as the waste department has holidays that differ from the rest of the ship. 
Time passes.
AMANDA: And Luz still doesn’t know that the whole one word at a time thing is a joke?
RAFAEL: I’ll apologize once this chip is removed and I’m allowed to access my full range of shame and regret.
AMANDA: And this whole thing is about…a trick? Somebody being tricky?
RAFAEL: It’s the trick, yeah, but also an enchantment, a secret power, and the end phase of a great and terribly secret prophecy.
AMANDA: And a prophecy is a what now?
RAFAEL: A prophecy is something that’s going to happen.
AMANDA: And it’s terrible?
RAFAEL: Terribly secret, and also great.
AMANDA: Right right right, and it’s going to happen.
RAFAEL: That’s what prophecies do.
AMANDA: And you need my help accomplishing this thing that will inevitably happen?
RAFAEL: Yes.
AMANDA: What if I don’t help?
RAFAEL: You can’t not help.
AMANDA: Why not?
RAFAEL: Prophecy.
AMANDA: But I can choose to not help.
RAFAEL: Whatever you choose, you’re helping the prophecy.
AMANDA: I don’t like that.
RAFAEL: Like it or not, doesn’t really matter.
AMANDA: No, like, it really kind of upsets me.
RAFAEL: All in the service of the prophecy.
AMANDA: Where did you say this trick was done again?
RAFAEL: Luz didn’t really say. Some little department that nobody cares about. Why?
AMANDA: Well, I don’t like being part of a prophecy.
RAFAEL: Okay.
AMANDA: So I’m going to find whoever is doing the trick, right?
RAFAEL: Absolutely, hail the prophecy and the scrolls.
AMANDA: and I’m going to kill them and push them and their prophetic body out into the nothingness of space. Easy peasy. 
RAFAEL: You can’t do that.
AMANDA: Why not?
RAFAEL: Prophecy.
AMANDA: I can.
RAFAEL: Nope.
AMANDA: Absolutely can.
RAFAEL: Not a chance.
AMANDA: Absolutely will.
RAFAEL: Absolutely will not.
AMANDA: It is guaranteed.
RAPHAEL: It is impossible.
AMANDA: It will happen.
RAPHAEL: The only thing that will happen is the prophecy.
AMANDA: I will kill them.
RAPHAEL: You will not.
AMANDA: Watch me.
Time passes.

Scene 7

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the sixth: All hail to the waaaaaaaaaaaste!
(The previous tenant is sung and backed up with as many instruments climaxing in a cacophony of sound, all eventually cut off at the same exact moment.)
Time passes.
HANS: Amanda… I heard talk you’d never be around these parts again. What’s got you down in the slums with us bad-types and HR Personnel?
AMANDA: Timothy said you could get me something dangerous.
HANS: There’s a lot of dangerous things on this ship. All illegal. Why would I have anything to do with it?
AMANDA: I’m not saying you do. I’m just saying what Timothy told me, and I’m just saying that I have some money I’ve been stocking away for a special sort of a time.
HANS: Well, if you so happened to be in the market for those things which I, myself, definitely do not have, what exactly would you be looking for?
AMANDA: Timothy said you might’ve come into the possession of a gun.
HANS: A gun, huh? Timothy sure knows how to run their tongues. A gun is serious.
AMANDA: I’m pretty serious myself. Is it a good one?
HANS: It’s the best one you can get.
AMANDA: Reliable?
HANS: It’ll take you to dinner and even call the next day.
AMANDA: What kind of damage are we talking?
HANS: Oh I’d say…medium to lots?
AMANDA: That’s good, that’s good. Customizable?
HANS: Every single hole right where it should be, and I’ll even punch a couple more in if you ask me real nice.
AMANDA: I’m asking real nice, I need a gun with as many holes as possible for this kind of a job.
HANS: You’re one seriously sick person.
AMANDA: It’s a sick universe, we’re just living in it. We gonna do this or what?
HANS: What kind of a job needs that many holes?
AMANDA: I’ve gotta kill a wizard I’ve never met to stop a prophecy that doesn’t concern me at all from happening to prove a relatively insignificant point about free will to a casual acquaintance. 
HANS: If anybody needs a gun, you do. Meet me back here in two hours. Come alone.
Time passes.

Scene 8

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the seventh: Remember that no waste can be removed by a single waste remover if the waste remover has treated themself as waste first. Remember that you are a whole Person, and that you are not waste unless decreed by the council to be so. Remember that if you cannot remove the waste, that there are others who can remove the waste for you. Remove the waste, not yourself. If you cannot love yourself, how will you ever love the removal of waste?
Time passes.
HANS: I need to know what a gun, a wizard, and a prophecy are, immediately. They’re all on this ship, and something is gonna go down.
YUSUF: I’m going to ask you again for the last time, do you have a library card?
HANS: What self-respecting criminal has a library card?
YUSUF: Hans, can you look me in my eye and say you respect yourself?
A moment.
YUSUF: I’m sorry Hans. Let me get you a library card.
A moment.
HANS: …will it make me less pathetic?
YUSUF: Before I became a librarian, I was an empty welp barely squishing through life. Now look at me. All it took was cycles and cycles of dedicated, uninterrupted study secluded in the knowledge pods orbiting the home world, feeding on nothing but nutrition injections and, if I was lucky, the shards of space-refuse that would occasionally pierce my solitary sanctum. I learned everything there, and when I returned to the presence of other people nearly 100 years later, I had to unlearn the bad things. Then I got this job.
HANS: What kind of… bad things?
YUSUF: I don’t remember, but I wish I did. I really wish I did.
A moment.
YUSUF: Wait, did you say there was a wizard on this ship?
HANS: Now, you didn’t hear it from me…
YUSUF: Think very carefully, was it a wish granting wizard?
HANS: It was the kind of wizard that a gun would kill. That’s all I know.
YUSUF: I see.
HANS: Does that… mean anything?
YUSUF: Unfortunately, I cannot tell you unless you have a library card.
HANS: Then get me a library card, dang it!
YUSUF: Here. (A card slices through the air.) I’ve had this one ready for you since the first time I saw you all those years ago.
HANS: Then tell me what a wizard that is weak to guns is able to do.
YUSUF: There are legends of magic out here in deep space, and in my studies of these not-yet-forbidden arts, I’ve categorized two different kinds of wizards: wizards that can be killed by guns, and better wizards.
HANS: So we’ve got the worst kind of wizard on the ship?
YUSUF: It would appear so.
HANS: Then I need to figure out what a gun is right now.
YUSUF: I can help with that, but first let's discuss your library fees. Knowledge is never free.
Time passes.

Scene 9

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the eighth: Jordan, you need to apologize. It isn’t funny anymore. We don’t even care if you mean it. It’s been years and we haven’t recovered. We just need it for the closure. Honestly. It wouldn’t hurt to also see you again, but we know you swore to never step foot in the same room as us. Just send us a message. Or a letter. Or a note. Or a memo. Or a sign. Anything. Honestly, we’re not even sure you’re still alive, but if you are… just let us know. Also, if you are dead, we’re deeply hurt that you didn’t invite us to the funeral. Also, also, if you know Jordan, please tell them about this message.
Time passes.
YUSUF: I told a lie today, Mei.
MEI: It’s rude to talk to me while I’m excavating your big bald pore.
YUSUF: I’m sorry.
MEI: Thank you.
YUSUF: I never lie. It’s in my oath as a librarian.
MEI: Please respect the excavation rules.
YUSUF: All for personal glory. I don’t even believe in wizards. I’m not allowed to. What was I thinking?
MEI: Okay, this excavation is done.
YUSUF: Really? It happened so quickly. It should take longer, right?
MEI: It’s over because you keep talking.
YUSUF: Well, that’s a bit rude, don’t you think.
MEI: No.
YUSUF: I’m having an existential crisis because there MIGHT be a wizard on the ship, something I am expressly forbidden from believing in, but this wizard is the kind that is weak to gunfire, which can only mean one thing: they are the most powerful and useful type of wizard. And I lied to Hans about it. I said that this wizard is the weak kind.
MEI: There’s another wizard on the ship?
YUSUF: (Completely ignoring Mei). I took an oath to never lie and an oath to never believe in wizards. I already broke one today. What’s another one, Mei? Because, in my hearts, I want to believe that this wizard could grant me a wish.
MEI: I was told by the Master that we were the only wizards on the ship.
YUSUF: What should I do? Should I stay true to myself and my many, many cycles of training and dedication, or should I throw it all away in some gamble to ask a powerful wizard to grant me a wish?
MEI: There’s a WISH GRANTING wizard on this ship? The Master hasn’t even let me learn any magic yet.
YUSUF: Oh, who am I kidding. A wizard would kill me for breaking my oath, and they would know I broke my oath because they’re a wizard.
MEI: I need to call a meeting with my master.
YUSUF: All this studying and what has it got me? Nothing! I was a shell before and I am a shell now. At least before I had the decency to cry myself to sleep. What now? What now!?
MEI: Yusuf, you need to leave.
YUSUF: If anyone can hear me, particularly any wizards, strike me down with your magics where I stand! Smite me! Smite me, I’m begging you!
Time passes.

Scene 10

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the ninth: Philanthropy is a core tenet of the Anti-Waste Department philosophy. If you have extra money you would like to donate to bolster our philanthropic endeavors, please just throw your money away. We’ll find it. It will be in a better place.
Time passes.
MEI: You… you… jerk. You… waste-pile.
BRUCE: What? What did I do?
MEI: What, in all the holy and unholy holes, is wrong with you? You lied to me?
BRUCE: What? How did you- I mean…
MEI: Why? Why did you lie to me?
BRUCE: Listen, don’t take this the wrong way… but I don’t know which lie you’re talking about.
MEI: You told me we were the only wizards on this ship. Wait, what do you mean?
BRUCE: Oh, that one. That one was actually the truth.
MEI: Then how come I’m hearing about another wizard on the ship.
BRUCE: Oh, that’s easy.
A moment.
MEI: Well?
BRUCE: You’re just hearing more about my miraculous works.
MEI: Really?
BRUCE: Yeah, I’ve gotten pretty powerful recently.
MEI: How powerful?
BRUCE: You tell me, you’re the one hearing all these rumors.
MEI: I heard that you’ve been granting wishes to everyone.
BRUCE: Yeah, of course. That’s what I do now.
MEI: How come you’ve never granted a wish for me?
BRUCE: That’s also an easy one. (A moment.) If you get a wish granted you don’t get to be a wizard.
MEI: What if I wish to become a wizard?
BRUCE: Listen to me, nobody ever granted my wishes when I was growing up and nobody is going to grant yours.
MEI: I just want a little magic. Just a little.
BRUCE: Do you know how hard I had to work to get to where I am? Do you know how much spacer’s ketchup I had to chug to get here?
MEI: You know I don’t chug things.
BRUCE: I know, and that’s on you, not on me. You chose the hard path to master wizardry. Not me.
MEI: When will I be ready?
BRUCE: Mei, it’ll be a long time, but when you least expect it, you’ll be ready to be a wizard.
MEI: Okay.
BRUCE: But if you can’t get there with chugging, and you can’t get there with wishing, there’s only one way to get there.
MEI: Hard work.
BRUCE: That’s right. And we can start right now.
MEI: How?
BRUCE: Fetch me my wizard socks, the ones folded in that way that I like.
MEI: Consider it done.
Time passes.

Scene 11

ANTI-WASTE DIRECTOR: Tenet the tenth: Each and every employee on this ship has a waste minimum and a waste maximum for the year. Be sure, as an employee, that your waste produced in any given cycle lands between these two points or we will murder you. There will be no evidence that you ever existed. This is an act of love.
Time passes.
BETHANY: …Then, the color-hive shifted again, taking on the central sequence-form and resolving itself to unlearnable passions. Three stood in the color-hive’s wake after the grand dissipation and wept.
JONAS: Honestly, I’m about to weep too.
BETHANY: I used to cry every time I read this one. (Clearing their throat.) Three knew the cycle would repeat again, and that below them in the crystal-ducts a new color-hive was already taking on its first sequence-form, but in all its glory, this fresh color-hive would never be the friend that three had come to love. Do you need a tissue?
JONAS: No, the tears are good for my skin.
BRUCE: No door I see. Powerful enough to live life open to the mysteries of the hall.
BETHANY: Jonas, friend of yours?
JONAS: Never seen this person in my life.
BRUCE: You may endeavor to hide the truth from the prying eyes of the universe, but we know very well how much of the Spacer’s Ketchup flows within your veins. Bethany and Joshua.
JONAS: Jonas.
BETHANY: You want them to know your real name?
JONAS: I’m very vain.
BRUCE: In my own vanity I’ve come to seek a mere fraction of the power that you possess. Humble. On bended knee. Well, it doesn’t really bend anymore, I had an accident with a – never mind, that’s not what this is about. I come to you on slightly, almost, kind of, bent knee, and await your judgment of my worthiness. I beseech you, please Great Ones, see fit to bestow me with the beauty of your magics, or strike me down and end this pitiful shell of a life.
BETHANY: Any of this making sense to you?
JONAS: Not even a little bit.
BRUCE: Please, just a small demonstration, nothing ostentatious, merely what this young Neophyte was boasting of to the copy-warden earlier today.
BETHANY: I told you to stay away from Rita, they’ve been very odd around you lately.
JONAS: What Rhonda and I have is irreplaceable.
BETHANY: Jonas, what did you do?
JONAS: I was just talking about your card trick. You know, bragging about the coworker, subtle flirting, a little exaggeration here and there. My basic M.O.
BETHANY: Um, Crazy Person that invaded our space? 
BRUCE: I prefer The Shining Light of Cosmic Power. Or Bruce.
BETHANY: Okay, Bruce. I think there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding.
BRUCE: I will not leave until I either see the magics of this department or am smited where I attempt to kneel.
BETHANY: Okay. But you’re gonna be disappointed.
Slight pause.
A thousand knives.
Longer pause.
BRUCE: I truly am the most powerful wizard on this ship.
END.