1-25 A Rental Conference Room At The Center Of The Universe

In which Bethany, Jonas, and Patricia, come together to make a plan.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Kristen Hasty as Patricia  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Edie Pierce as Rose

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Hazelnut, Gwyn, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

https://www.redbubble.com/people/incthepodcast/shop

Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

A Rental Conference Room at the Center of the Universe
inc: The Podcast episode 25
by
Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Attention valued customers of conference room distribution center 3, we know you could
have chosen distribution centers 1, 2, 4, 5, 8, or higher, but we’re happy to have you as
part of the center 3 family. We promise that we will fix the temperature control units
soon, but until then, remember that your sweat is representative of the effort you’ve put
into you’re various and important meetings. As such, the meeting room that collects the
most sweat by volume in the next hour will be named, “sweatiest team,” and will be
announced to the whole distribution center 3 family.
Happiness is productivity.
The sounds of a conference room fade in. Just as
oppressive as office sounds, but slightly roomier and
more rented-out-by-the-hour-no-questions-asked.
Someone takes a stack of papers and bumps them against
the edge of the table to line them up. They take their
time. They set the papers down.
PATRICIA
Thank you for finally joining us, Bethany. Usually, we start meetings by saying hello, and
then we go around and introduce ourselvesJONAS
(Butting in.)
Hi, I’m Jonas, you probably know me as the host of the most successful talent show this
ship has ever seen.
PATRICIA
I was going to say we can skip that since we all already know each other, but thank you
Jonas. Enlightening as always.
JONAS
We’re going to skip introductions in my first ever Jonas-you’re-allowed-to-be-here
meeting in a real life conference room?
PATRICIA
We are going to do that, yes.
2.
JONAS
(Under their breath.)
But I really wanted to know a fun fact about you.
(To everyone.)
Oh, oh, oh, how about we go around and we all say our favorite EBI story? That sounds
like something we can all participate in. Who’s in?
Bethany and Patricia are in a silent stand-off.
JONAS
Tough crowd but I’ve worked tougher- my favorite story from the EBI isPATRICIA
How have you been, Bethany? We haven’t seen each other since, what, the holidays?
JONAS
I actually was in the middle of talking alreadyPATRICIA
I do not want to hear about your favorite story right now, Jonas. I’m trying to catch up
with our good friend Bethany.
BETHANY
Friend?
PATRICIA
I give you so many lead-ins to pleasant small talk and that’s the first thing you’re going
to say to me?
JONAS
Okay, is right now a better time to tell you about my favorite story from the EBI folder?
PATRICIA
No, Jonas, obviously it’s not.
BETHANY
Then you shouldn’t have told them that you don’t want to hear about their favorite
story, “Right now.” Now Jonas thinks you’re going to want to hear about it later.
2.
3.
PATRICIA
It’s good to see you’re still worrying about irrational things.
JONAS
Well if we’re going to talk about me like I’m not here, let me just say that they’re almost
right, except I don’t really care if you want to hear about the story, just that you
promised that you would listen to it later.
PATRICIA
Jonas, this is a rent-by-the-hour room conference room that I offered to cover the expense
of. There is no time for us to listen to a story that I probably submitted to the folder
myself when I lacked the poise and grace of my current position.
JONAS
But you promised.
BETHANY
You were saying something about lead ins and small talk?
JONAS
Are you going to go back on your promise this early in our business relationship?
PATRICIA
I wouldn’t say early, Jonas, You’ve been smuggling copies of the love letters I added to
the Extraneous But Interesting Folder for months nowBETHANY
What was that?
JONAS
Was that business? It felt more like a friendship I felt enormously guilty about.
BETHANY
Jonas, care to explain?
JONAS
I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d get weird about it.
BETHANY
I don’t think weird is the right word, maybe... betrayed. Yeah, actually, feeling mostly
betrayed right now.
3.
4.
PATRICIA
Jonas, I was under the impression you told our friendBETHANY
Since when are we friends?
PATRICIA
Last time I checked we were friends.
BETHANY
You- you- I- Jonas, remind Patricia why we aren’t friends.
PATRICIA
For my part I am willing to forgive you never congratulating me on my promotion. Come
to think of it, you never spoke to me again after my promotion, not even to break off our
friendship, so silly me for assuming we’ve just been going through a rather long rough
patch.
BETHANY
Are you serious? After everything you did to mePATRICIA
I did, like, one thing to you.
BETHANY
It was a- It was a big- Oh my goodness.
PATRICIA
Take your time. I’m sure this is a healthy and productive use of our rent-by-the-hour
conference room which I am generously covering.
BETHANY
It was a big thing, Patricia. And, also, a bunch of little things. And this is just more of the
little things because I know that I’m going to end up doing everything for you again and
then when that’s not useful for you anymore you’ll probably just kill me or something.
PATRICIA
(This isn’t fun anymore.)
What?
4.
5.
JONAS
Bethany thinks about murder a lot now. Probably should have told you that.
PATRICIA
I’m not going to kill you, Bethany.
BETHANY
Why not?
PATRICIA
Did you think this was a long ploy to get you into this room so I could kill you?
BETHANY
I didn’t and then you said that, so...
PATRICIA
Jonas, you did talk to Bethany about all of this, right? It seems like you may have left out
some details.
JONAS
I brought the wrong briefcase.
PATRICIA
I didn’t know you owned a briefcase, let alone two. You don’t seem like a briefcase
person.
JONAS
I sent you the presentation. Where else was I going to put the presentation.
PATRICIA
Just talk to your friend.
JONAS
Then what am I supposed to use all of the briefcases I own for? I finally find a use for a
briefcase and the world crumbles around me. It’s just like school all over again.
BETHANY
So you have no idea what Jonas said to me or anything that happened after that?
5.
6.
PATRICIA
People in my position prefer to delegate things, generally to competent people, but, well,
here we are.
BETHANY
And you don’t have any idea what was in Jonas’ briefcase?
PATRICIA
I’m sure they showed you.
BETHANY
It got thrown down a hallway before that happened.
PATRICIA
Oh, of course.
BETHANY
Mostly they just drew a bunch of charts on the walls and then said, “Ask yourself: What
can M-E do for me?”
PATRICIA
Jonas, the presentation you sent me was over 300 slides. What happened to all of that?
JONAS
I improvised.
PATRICIA
Uh-huh.
JONAS
And now they’re here, and they only went missing for, like, between one and 30 hours
after I mentioned your name, so I don’t see why you’re complaining. It all worked out in
the end, didn’t it?
PATRICIA
No, obviously.
BETHANY
No, obviously.
PATRICIA
Oh, look at that, we’re already syncing up again. Let’s start this meeting over, shall we?
Hi, Bethany, thank you for joining us, I’m sure you have a lot of questions that our
colleague has left you with. Let’s start by letting you have the floor and ask any
questions you would like.
6.
7.
Unless, of course, you consider that public speakingBETHANY
Okay, yeah, here’s a question for Jonas: why were you giving them stories from the EBI?
JONAS
It was just the love letters, you hate the love letters.
BETHANY
Okay, new question for Jonas, why were you giving them the love letters that I hate from
the EBI?
JONAS
You never let me talk to you about them.
BETHANY
They’re bad.
JONAS
They are not bad.
PATRICIA
They are not bad.
JONAS
(Gasp.)
We’re syncing up. We’re going to do so much good business.
PATRICIA
I hated that.
BETHANY
It’s awful and it happens all the time.
JONAS
(Another gasp.)
Look, you two are agreeing on things.
BETHANY
Shut up, Jonas.
7.
8.
PATRICIA
Don’t tell them to shut up, you’re not the boss in here.
JONAS
(That must mean Jonas is the boss.)
Thank you, Patricia, and now since we’re starting this meeting over, I think it’s a good
time for us all, starting with me, to share our favorite stories from the EBI folder to build
on this team spirit we’ve got going on here.
PATRICIA
Shut up, Jonas.
BETHANY
Don’t tell them to shut up.
PATRICIA
Bethany, it’s not good for someone like you to come into a new business venture and
boss people around. It’s a bad look.
BETHANY
You’re a bad look.
PATRICIA
One, go find a mirror and get a better reading on a, “bad look,” and two, why did you
even come here?
BETHANY
Because someone is going to get me off of this ship and I don’t know if it’s going to be
through murder or a business opportunity and I’m just dying to find out.
PATRICIA
Is this... a new feelings-y thing for you?
BETHANY
I hate it when you say that.
PATRICIA
Because this is... not the feelings-y stuff you were getting into before our little spat.
BETHANY
That is not how I would describe what happened between us.
8.
9.
PATRICIA
And yet you’ve, apparently, cast me as a murderer in your mind.
BETHANY
It’s a universe of possibilities and I’m a loose end in your perfect life.
PATRICIA
I didn’t know you thought of me that way.
(Almost ready to apologize, then, instead:)
Jonas, convince Bethany that I’m not trying to murder them.
JONAS
(Gasp.)
I’ve been promoted to consultant.
BETHANY
Jonas, don’t just do things because Patricia tells you to do them. You’ll end up miserable.
JONAS
But the promotion comes with a pay raise, I assume.
PATRICIA
It’s not, and it doesn’t.
JONAS
Oh darn.
BETHANY
Well if that’s everything, go ahead and go get your killing apparatus.
PATRICIA
I don’t have one of those.
JONAS
You don’t?
PATRICIA
Oh Jonas, not you too.
9.
10.
JONAS
You just seem like the kind of person that would have one.
PATRICIA
You’ve been demoted from consultant.
JONAS
Bethany, doesn’t Patricia seem like the kind of person that would have decorative
weapons on their walls? It seems like they’d have at least a decorative killing apparatus.
PATRICIA
I don’t.
BETHANY
You really seem like the kind of person that would.
JONAS
Yes, I knew it.
PATRICIA
I don’t have one can we please move on with convincing Bethany that this is a good faith
business offer and not a murder-ruse?
BETHANY
You’ve done a poor job convincing me so far.
PATRICIA
If this was a plot, and you’ve been in this room for this long, wouldn’t you expect to be
dead by now.
BETHANY
No. I’ve been defending myself.
PATRICIA
Against a killing apparatus that doesn’t exist?
BETHANY
With masterful and manipulative mind games plus, Jonas has been showing off their
supernatural self-defense skills in the office and I’ve been taking notes.
PATRICIA
I’m not a ghost.
10.
11.
BETHANY
But you are a monster, so it’ll probably work.
A long moment.
PATRICIA
How much of this whole episode was a genuine mental breakdown and how much was
you wanting to insult me?
BETHANY
Much like the content of Jonas’ briefcase, neither of us will ever be able to figure it out.
PATRICIA
Fine. I’ll play along. Jonas, this ghost thing, it’s self-defense, right?
JONAS
That’s right.
PATRICIA
So Bethany can’t attack first?
JONAS
I was very clear about that, it has to be an aggressive haunting.
PATRICIA
Great, then we can continue, because I am not going to attack. Because, and it actually
pains me to admit this to you, I need you to be a part of this project.
(A quiet moment.)
Oh my goodness, did it at least help that it pained me to say it?
BETHANY
Yes, that did help.
PATRICIA
Good. Because it’s true. The three of us are all contributors to my folder andBETHANY
Oh, Your folder?
JONAS
We talked about this, Patricia, it’s our folder.
11.
12.
BETHANY
Yeah, me and Jonas’ folder.
JONAS
Um, actuallyBETHANY
Jonas, have you been making deals with people again?
JONAS
Is it a deal if it was also always Patricia’s folder?
BETHANY
They gave up the folder when they tried to hide it in the Least Used and Most Filthy
Waste Removal Location on the Ship.
PATRICIA
It doesn’t actually matter whose folder it is because it has all of our names all over it and
whatever one of us tries to do with it, the other two will become instantly very involved
in it, for better or worse.
Now, a show of hands, who here would like to be involved for the better? Thank you,
Jonas, BethanyBETHANY
You forgot, “This times.” You should have said, “to be involved for the better this time?”
JONAS
(Whispering.)
Why aren’t you raising your hand?
BETHANY
Because I know it’s ridiculous to think that Patricia is trying to murder me, however, I
know how much they’ve used me in the past and this feels the exact same.
(A long moment.)
I never had any friends before you, so I didn’t know, and then you- Well, at least I’m
useful again, right?
Another long moment.
12.
13.
PATRICIA
Do you still want to get off of this ship, Bethany?
BETHANY
More than almost anything.
PATRICIA
Then at least let me get you off of this ship. We take the folder. We submit it to the
Mental Enervation Colonies. They review it, we get in, and then all three of us are off the
ship and it’s really not my business what you do after that.
BETHANY
And if we don’t get in?
PATRICIA
Be realistic, Bethany, It’s a folder of millions of the most interesting stories that have ever
happened in the universe with three data processing experts attached to it, and one of
their asking salaries is, “Anywhere but here.” It’s a silver platter deal for them.
BETHANY
And it all just conveniently means I can’t use the folder as leverage against you.
PATRICIA
And Jonas can’t use it against you.
JONAS
Which I was not planning on doing by the way.
PATRICIA
And Jonas can’t use it against me and I can’t use it against Jonas and I think that covers
all of the possibilities.
Nobody knows about the folder except for us. There are no loose ends. You can choose
new nonsense to worry about and maybe we get to have fun again. Nobody’s been any
fun at any of these promotions. We get to have fun again, we don’t have to hide it, and
you won’t be on this ship any more.
(A moment.)
Oh my goodness, did I make it clear that you won’t be on this ship anymore? And, who
knows, maybe the Colonies are on a planet.
13.
14.
JONAS
(Whispering again.)
Bethany, you’re still not raising your hand.
PATRICIA
Oh, my goodness, Jonas why is your hand still in the air?
JONAS
No one said to put it down.
PATRICIA
I put my hand down.
JONAS
Honestly, I thought you were wavering in your resolve.
PATRICIA
This was my idea, Jonas, why would I do that?
JONAS
Bethany had a pretty convincing pitch.
PATRICIA
Do you know what a pitch is?
JONAS
Do you know how insulting that is?
BETHANY
I want an apology.
PATRICIA
(Weighing this.)
More than you want to get off of the ship?
BETHANY
Maybe.
A stand-off.
14.
15.
PATRICIA
You’ve changed in a lot of ways, you know that?
BETHANY
I had to be very direct with the AI they replaced you with.
PATRICIA
For a long time, I thought, if the opportunity arose, you would do the same thing to me.
BETHANY
Uh huh. Sure. Now continue.
PATRICIA
With?
BETHANY
An actual apology.
PATRICIA
I can see that you feel hurt by my actions, and for that, I offerA trying-to-hard knock at the door.
JONAS
I... is that what a door sounds like? It’s been so long.
The knock again, then Rose enters.
ROSE
Patricia, I have to tell you something.
PATRICIA
Everybody, this is Rose. Rose is the personal assistant intern assigned to me.
(Really friendly, like talking to someone you
hate.)
Rose, what are you doing here?
ROSE
There is this story going around the ship that I have to tell you about.
15.
16.
PATRICIA
Can it wait, this is a rent-by-the-hour room, which you should know since you booked it.
ROSE
You do not want to miss this.
JONAS
Well now I’ve got to hear this too.
ROSE
Oh my goodness, are you Jonas?
JONAS
The one and only.
ROSE
I heard so many good things about your talent show. I was totally going to sign up but
then something came up at the last minute.
JONAS
(Under their breath.)
Why do people keep saying that to me.
BETHANY
We’re actually in the middle of something, Rose, was it?
ROSE
That’s my name, don’t wear it out.
BETHANY
Ha ha, yeah, this story can wait. Or, maybe, don’t tell it at all.
JONAS
Or, maybe, tell me right now.
ROSE
Anything for you, Jonas.
Okay, so I heard it from a friend along with maybe half a dozen other stories or so, and
they hear it from someone else and it is absolutely everywhere in the ship.
16.
17.
Everybody is talking about these stories, and they’re all about the people on the planets
we incorporated.
They had some kind of silly alien name like Garglebok or something. But the name
doesn’t really matter, what matters is that they were a hive-mind type thing, or
something, and even though the population of the planet was millions and millions of
people, they were all just Gagglebonk or whatever their name was. And they built all of
these cities to live in and spread all over the planet, they built this intricate road system
to connect all of the desperate places they were living and they did this over hundred and
thousands of years. They made vehicles and farming and not a single person out of all of
Gonglebook wanted for anything, but they were lonely, because, you know, one person.
(Trying to make a deep personal confession
into a joke.)
And I get that. When I go to my quarters at the end of the day and I start talking to
myself it gets old pretty quick. I don’t think I could do that for a hundred thousand years
or so.
(It did not work at all but this is in front of
their boss.)
Anyways, after all the cities were built and all the roads connected them, Garthelbork
didn’t know what else to do. All of their pieces went about their tasks making the whole
of themself stronger and then going to bed at the end of the day. They tried to find ways
of entertaining themself. They put on little stories that they’d write, different little pieces
of themselves would go on a little stage and say lines out loud to one another while other
little pieces watched.
(Deeply personal again.)
It’s kind of like what I wanted to do for the talent show, but there was a lot of important
paperwork to do and- you, talking to myself is just not as fun when I’m just one
person...
(Back at it.)
And it was fun, and soon they had a lot of stories saved up, but Garthy Bongle already
knew how the stories ended, so they moved on to other things.
Then one day, an alien landed on the planet. Growth Bank was anxious. They didn’t
know there were other people and having someone around that you didn’t know all the
thoughts of was unsettling.
17.
18.
(Trying to make this more casual than it is.)
Do you ever wonder what everybody thinks of you, but you’re pretty sure you already
know the answer?
(That did not work.)
Anyways, they decided to be a good host and there was plenty of food to go around and
whole cities that the alien could just have if they wanted. Mostly, though, the alien, who
had a name that I’m trying to rememberPATRICIA
Oh my goodness, underling, the alien’s name was Rextastic4. And all they really wanted
was to get their ship fixed.
ROSE
Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize that you already heard this one. Another time I wish I
could know what people were thinking, ha.
PATRICIA
And while they were waiting for their ship to be fixed, Gileth Barn, which is the name of
the hive mind, put on a show for them. Rextastic4 enjoyed it, a lot, and people from
Rextastic4’s planet started to make regular trips to Gileth Barn’s to see the hundreds of
stories they had written over the years until one day, the planet wasn’t there any more
because we incorporated it.
BETHANY
And the company didn’t think anything of it because there was only one person living on
the whole planet.
(A moment.)
There are a lot of planets like that.
ROSE
I have other stories if you want to hear them...
PATRICIA
If you knew what I was thinking about you, you would have left already Rose.
ROSE
Sorry, Patricia. I’ll go back to the paperwork. Sorry to take up your time.
18.
19.
PATRICIA
You’ll receive an invoice for the room and the time.
ROSE
Of course, sorry.
PATRICIA
Including fees if you don’t leave this second.
ROSE
Sorry again.
A door closes slowly.
A moment.
PATRICIA
So, we have a little mystery on our claws, because that’s a story that I added to the folder
a long time ago. And I didn’t tell anybody outside of this room about it.
Which is interesting, because I remember saying earlier that nobody knows about the
folder besides us. Do you remember me saying that? Don’t answer, it’s a rhetorical
question. I know you both remember.
One of you told somebody about it. And that story, along with a few others, has made it
all the way to Rose. Rose is an imbecile who just told us quite a few times that they
don’t have any friends, so if those stories made it to them, those stories made it to
everybody.
And unlike Bethany’s little performance after Hank’s beautiful war chant, Rose knew
that the story was directly from an incorporated planet and not a work of fiction. Who
sorts through all the data from those planets? Could it be you two and previously me and
nobody else?
Does anybody want to volunteer that it might have been their fault that we are in deep
trouble right now?
(A moment.)
So we know it wasn’t Jonas, because Jonas would have been ecstatic to tell us about
leaking a story to the whole ship. Bethany. What did you do?
19.
20.
JONAS
Wait, Bethany, did you leak the stories?
BETHANY
I- Yes, I did.
JONAS
But we had a plan.
BETHANY
No. You had a plan, you told me part of the plan but left out who actually made the plan.
And the plan was to share stories and I’m so- No, no, I’m not going to apologize for this.
You didn’t apologize, I won’t apologize.
PATRICIA
This is bad. This could bring the whole ship down.
BETHANY
I didn’t think that Hank wouldPATRICIA
You gave the stories to HANK?
BETHANY
Honestly, I thought you already knew and that was what this meeting was going to be
about.
PATRICIA
I didn’t know, Jonas, did you know?
JONAS
I can’t believe that Hank didn’t tell me. I thought we were really close.
PATRICIA
Focus, Jonas, we need to come up with a plan, because if this story reaches the wrong
peopleBethany starts to breath heavily.
PATRICIA
Don’t get feelings-y on me right now, this is your mess.
20.
21.
JONAS
Take a deep breath, okay?
PATRICIA
Jonas, task at hand.
JONAS
Bethany, do you want to go hold a fern?
BETHANY
Yeah, I need to go hold a fern.
JONAS
Okay, let’s go get a fern and come back.
PATRICIA
Um, no, let’s not do that.
JONAS
Okay, just Bethany then. We’re the business-minded ones anyways.
PATRICIA
No, nobody’s leaving until we have a plan.
BETHANY
I’m going to go hold a fern.
PATRICIA
Bethany, please, we need to figure this out.
BETHANY
After the fern.
PATRICIA
Sit. Down.
BETHANY
Ferns, I need the ferns. Jonas, the ferns.
JONAS
They’ll be right back. I promise.
21.
22.
PATRICIA
Are you going to pay for another hour?
JONAS
I mean, I kind of have to.
PATRICIA
What? Why?
JONAS
You promised to listen to my favorite story.
PATRICIA
You didn’t forget about that?
JONAS
You made a promise.
PATRICIA
Jonas, this is kind of more important than that.
JONAS
Yeah, obviously ferns first. Right Bethany?
A door closes.
JONAS
Okay, so Bethany’s gone.
PATRICIA
Well then we need a plan and we need Bethany. Now.
JONAS
Okay.
So there’s this planet, right, and we incorporated itPATRICIA
Jonas, oh my goodness22.
23.
JONAS
It just feels like we’re wasting the hour we paid for if we leave right now.
ANNOUNCEMENTS
Attention valued conference room distribution center 3 family, we are more than proud to
announce this hours sweatiest team is Margorie. Working alone.
Productivity is happiness.
END
23.