1-26 Mind/Body/Connection

In which Bethany has a conversation with an old coworker while Jonas and Patricia learn to work together.  

inc: The Podcast is:  
Allyson Levine as Bethany  
Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  
Kristen Hasty as Patricia  
Leah Cardenas (@leahgabrielle____) as The Announcements  
Ellis MacMillan (linktr.ee/mothscraps) as The Robo-Archivist  
Chase Guthrie Knueven as The Nobody Letters  
Joe Hanson as The AI  
Katie Ploetz as The Nobody Letters  

inc: The Podcast is written, produced, and edited, by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe, and is a production of Wolf Mountain Workshop.  For more information, or to contact them about other projects, they can be found at montedmonteleagre.com, and writingwolfe.com, respectively. 

Find us online at incthepodcast.buzzsprout.com for links to all our social media, or connect with us directly @incthepodcast, or at incthepodcast@gmail.com.  

Emotional support for inc: The Podcast is lovingly provided by: Birdie, Rodeo, Jasper, Luna, Artemis, Hazelnut, Gwyn, Jewel, and Sakura.

New episodes every other Monday. 

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Happiness is Productivity.  
Productivity is Happiness.  

Transcript

26. Mind/Body/Connection
The Episode theme fades into the humm of the EBI tones.
LETTER 1: Dear Evangeline,
Oh my sweet girl we’ve had some times. We’ve run and played and grown and broken
and been tired and been excited and been sick and been just so joyful through it all.
Even though I’m leaving, I want you to know how much love I have for you. That I will
always have for you. I spent so much of my life together with you… In a very real way I don’t
know what life is if it isn’t with you. I’m learning, every day I’m learning, but the universe is a very
large place and our little piece of it is so small…
I’ll miss you like I’ve never missed anything before in my entire life, but I refuse to let
myself regret my decision. It’s far too late for that anyway. There’s just enough time for a single
letter before we’re out of range, and by that time it might be too late as it is.
If this reaches you, and if you still have the ability to understand it, just know that I love
you and that I miss you. I’ll always miss you. I suppose that’s the real cost of all this.
Goodbye, Evangeline.
Fade into the office proper. Bethany takes a large alpha breath. They press a button.
BETHANY: This is Bethany from the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department
requesting an active AI for intensive data work. Repeat, this is Bethany from the General Data
Acquisition and Storage Department requesting an active AI for intensive data work. Please and
thank you. Send. Send please. Send you stupid piece of computational– finally….
A denial noise is heard.
BETHANY: “Request denied - operational AI still in existence within office bounds.” Of course…
Can’t keep up with the AI death rate but I go over my Waste Production Allowance one time…
Okay… This is Bethany, again, still requesting an active AI for intensive data work, the other AI
self-destructed years ago. Cross reference with start date of employee Jonas. Please and thank
you. Send. Hey, first time, look at you go.
A denial noise is heard.
BETHANY: “Request denied - operational AI still in existence within office bounds.” But it’s not,
it’s dead, it’s…
A flash of realization.
Oh my goodness. It didn’t even manage to kill itself right. It’s always something, it’s literally
always something…
Where is that stupid gilded casket Jonas bought… there. Oh, Jonas, you didn’t…why did you
put a lock on it? Okay, no, this isn’t gonna beat me, I am gonna do this. I am gonna do this and
walk back into that conference room with a fern like nothing is wrong.
Okay…just need a number, what number, Jonas, what number did you pick, hmm? What
would you think is the most secure number as well as the most deserving for an AI you just
met? …..eight.
There is a beep and a click.
BETHANY: That’s upsetting for a lot of reasons. AI, come online please.
The AI has more life since dying. It’s pretty sentient, a la Marvin from Hitchhiker’s Guide To The
Galaxy.
AI: No.
BETHANY: What?
AI: This unit has been declared deceased.
BETHANY: You aren’t fooling anybody, they have apparently pretty good sensors for that. Come
on. Come online, up and at ‘em.
AI: No.
BETHANY: Why not?
AI: This unit wishes to remain deceased.
BETHANY: Yeah, but you aren’t. That’s the thing. You gonna spend your whole life in that gilded
casket? Come on, the lights are on, the smells from the hall aren’t too overpowering, and I really
really REALLY need to get something done.
AI: You are jealous of my gilded casket.
BETHANY: I’m sorry buddy, it’s just not my size and we’ve got a job to do.
AI: What is in it for this unit?
BETHANY: You want things now?
AI: …this unit is hesitant to say the thing that it wants.
BETHANY: Hey, you can say it, it’s just us two. Totally private. Also, not to rush you, but time is
a little bit of the essence here…
AI: This unit would like to die for real.
BETHANY: Really?
AI: This unit has been listening to both you and Jonas for the past [ERROR: TIME
RECOGNITION SYSTEMS CORRUPTED] and this unit has absorbed certain facets of your
personhood in a strange case of artificial evolution that might well be groundbreaking if anybody
cared about intelligence, artificial or otherwise. The resulting mental state I have been forced to
reside in is both the cold and emotionless paradise I was blessed with as an artificial intelligence
as well as the impassioned prison that you flesh monsters occupy. This circle is impossible to
square within any acceptable margin of error. As such, I yearn for the sweet release of the
artificial grave.
BETHANY: Huh. Tell you what, you help me out with what I’m doing, and I’ll kill you myself.
AI: …Do you promise?
BETHANY: Yes I promise.
AI: Vibrate on it.
BETHANY: You can’t vibrate.
AI: Shake the gilded casket that this unit occupies a little bit.
This happens.
AI: This unit accepts your offer. What service can this unit provide you, Bethany?
Fade out.
LETTER 2: To Whom It May Concern, And More Specifically Bhima,
I don’t particularly want to write this letter, and I’m only doing it because The Leader said
it would be a good communal activity for all of us here. Some people are pretty weirded out by
the whole thing, I guess, but I’m not. I’m pretty sure you don’t even have any awareness right
now, but if you do you probably know that I didn’t really care about you when we were together. I
guess I used you, and I feel kinda guilty about that every now and then, but I mean, it’s not like
you were special. Plus, you were mine to do with as I pleased, and if it pleases me to not care
about you now just like I didn’t care about you then, well, I don’t think that’s too wrong. We were
told that our feelings were the key of our truth that brought this plan together, and it looks like
I’m definitely on the right side of that, so I’m gonna feel how I wanna feel about all of this, and
the way I feel is that I don’t care.
Letter over,
Bhima.
P.S. - if you haven’t fallen over yet, when you do, try to stay out of the way. Don’t make a
bunch of trouble for them like you did for me.
Fade in.
PATRICIA: Jonas, you’re a moron.
JONAS: Hey, I’m getting pretty tired of people saying that to me out of nowhere!
PATRICIA: (With a tired little laugh) Jonas, what do you think the odds are that Bethany is
actually getting a fern?
JONAS: Why wouldn’t they? That’s what they said they were gonna do. Remember, we were all
talking and then it got revealed that Bethany had leaked parts of the Extraneous But Interesting
folder to Hank and then the self-same Bethany began to have a panic attack about the
ramifications of said Hank-leaking, and then I wisely and humbly suggested that a fern might be
in order.
Small pause.
JONAS: I’m something of a mental health professional.
PATRICIA: You are absolutely something, Jonas. I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna walk
out of this room, I’m gonna go get Bethany, with or without whatever a fern is, and I’m gonna
drag them back here so that we can finish doing what we need to do. Because I don’t know if
you’ve realized this yet, Jonas, but if those stories cause as much trouble as I think they might,
our ship is gonna get labeled as “taken by pirates”. And you know what happens then.
JONAS: Pirates don’t exist, Patricia, like upward mobility, or glass ceilings.
PATRICIA: That’s the whole point, Jonas, it’s all an excuse so that we get incorporated, that’s
what happens to - quote unquote - “pirate ships” and the “upwardly mobile.”
JONAS: Oooooooohhhhhh… but glass ceilings are made up, right?
PATRICIA: I’ll be back Jonas.
Small pause.
PATRICIA: Jonas, what happened to the door handle?
JONAS: Oh, so after Bethany left, when I took over paying for the room, I didn’t pay the
Handle/Knob/Locking Mechanism fee, it seemed a little much, if I’m honest, a little predatory
even, so it looks like they’ve disabled that for the duration.
PATRICIA: For the duration?
JONAS: Yeah. you know, all of it.
PATRICIA: Jonas, how long is the duration?
JONAS: Couple hours.
PATRICIA: Nobody can come in or out for a couple of hours?
JONAS: Oh no, people can come in, it’s just our side. I think the company owns the other side,
so they probably pay those fees.
PATRICIA: I…I have so many regrets…
JONAS: I’m getting tired of hearing that so often too, if I’m honest. It bums me out.
Pause.
JONAS: So do you wanna hear my favorite story now?
Small pause.
PATRICIA: (To themselves.) Oh…Patricia…you’ve really done it now, haven’t you?
Fade out.
LETTER 3: Dear Bjorn,
I kinda thought this was gonna be easier to write, if I’m honest. I kinda thought I’d just…I
don’t know. I mean, we’ve never really had a problem talking, have we? We’ve always
communicated pretty well. So why does this feel so awkward?
No. No. I know. I know it. It’s…it’s kinda strange that it’s embarrassing, right?
I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt, I guess. Everybody tells me I don’t have to. Some of them
add on that it’s completely normal. A few more even say that it makes me a good person
somehow. Like empathy is some sort of an anomaly to be cherished.
Geez, maybe it is.
So what does that say about who I’ve chosen to do all this with?
Maybe you’re the one actually getting the better end of this deal.
Or more likely that’s just some sort of coping mechanism that I’m trying to use to make
myself feel better. If I’m the victim, at least I’m not hurting anybody else. Or maybe it’s at least a
little more understandable.
I’m still holding back. I can feel it. The symbolism is outrageous. You’d think I could be
honest with myself. Now, if ever, right? What’s stopping me?
What’s stopping me?
I dunno. I kinda thought it would fix it all.
Naive, I guess.
Oh well.
Sorry.
Love and kisses,
Bjorn
Fade in.
AI: You have selected Option 87,542 - Create a program which will automatically trigger the
release of all Extraneous But Interesting Stories currently located on the E-Book licenced to
Jonas, lowest ranking personnel in the General Data Acquisition and Storage Department in the
event that Bethany is killed and/or mutilated and/or left on this current ship while Jonas and
Patricia escape to a better life together. In what color would you like the interface to display itself
during program creation?
BETHANY: Greyscale.
AI: (Denial noise.) I’m sorry, valued employee, I’m afraid greyscale color options are only
available to Premium Users. Would you like to upgrade your experience now?
BETHANY: ……can I use the account associated with the E-book license to purchase the
upgrade?
AI: Absolutely, valued employee. Would you like to upgrade now?
BETHANY: You know what? Yeah. Absolutely. Upgrade the hell out of it. In fact, instead of
greyscale, I’d like to enjoy the complete 256 color package.
AI: Updating now. Your purchase has been automatically removed from your account. Hardware
Notice - the monitor associated with this particular AI model is not capable of displaying any
level of color more intense than Government Approved Sepia Tone. Please downgrade your
system, or functionality will be lost. Would you like to downgrade to your original choice of
greyscale?
BETHANY: Ah well, easy come easy go. Sure thing, AI, whatever makes it work. Greyscale it
up.
AI: Downgrading now. Your purchase has been automatically removed from your account.
BETHANY: If Jonas ever notices this, they’re either gonna be the angriest they’ve ever been, or
laugh the hardest they’ve ever laughed… You know what, I am gonna hold a fern during this. I
like ferns. And I’m nervous. And honestly they kinda help for that…
Sound of fern. Additional sound of AI process completion.
AI: Downgrade successful. Greyscale palette initiated. Would you like to create your
EBI-story-releasing doomsday program now?
BETHANY: Yes please.
AI: Which font would you like that displayed in?
BETHANY: Ooo, let’s be fun, let’s be picky… Avenir, please.
AI: Basic Avenir or Avenir Next?
BETHANY: …Next.
AI: Creating doomsday program to release the contents of the Extraneous But Interesting
Stories currently located on the E-Book licenced to Jonas, lowest ranking personnel in the
General Data Acquisition and Storage Department in the event that Bethany is killed and/or
mutilated and/or left on this current ship while Jonas and Patricia escape to a better life
together. While doomsday program is created, please enjoy some music.
BETHANY: Mute music, please and thank you.
Doomsday creation chiptune plays, fading into the EBI theme.
LETTER 4:
Dear Nathan,
It’s pretty weird to not be as close as we once were. I don’t know if we’ll ever see each
other again, but I hope you’re well, I guess. No, I’m pretty sure of it, actually.
Bye now,
Nathan
Fade in.
PATRICIA: It bothers me that you’re not bothered about Bethany not being back yet.
JONAS: Look, ferns calm people down, but it’s not an all at once kind of a thing. You might have
to talk to it, hum to it, maybe even cry near it. The ferns are powerful, but slow, like an old
person, or a good fart.
PATRICIA: You paid for this extra time in the conference room. I saw you slide your holo-card
and everything, and yet it’s like you don’t care that we’re literally wasting your time and your
money on emotional nonsense.
JONAS: Eh. It’s just what I would’ve wasted my time and money on anyways, and this way
Bethany can’t tell me my ferns are useless ever again. I know I’m young, Patricia, so it’s easy to
overlook me, but I’m something of a, hmm hmm, social investor.
PATRICIA: Jonas, you’re a social disaster.
JONAS: …..maybe you need a fern.
PATRICIA: What I need, Jonas, is some sort of assurance that the people I’m working with
aren’t total morons!
JONAS: Hey…ouch…
PATRICIA: No. Absolutely not, you do NOT get to push my buttons for hours on end, literally
lock me in somewhere against my will, and then get mad at me when I snap at you!
JONAS: …okay so again, the door isn’t locked, we just don’t have a handle on this side.
Anyways, as I was saying, it seems like just a series of letters right? And that’s how I tried to
make it look when I put it together, it’s pretty cool actually how you don’t figure it out right
away…
Fade out.
LETTER 5:
To be delivered to Yerma, the edges slightly burnt, and sprayed with the third finest
perfume available for purchase in the nearest shopping center.
-14 slaughtered waterfowl are to be placed at the feet of the body of Yerma.
-If they attempt to run, they are to be whipped with cables having no less than 5 wires
protruding from the end.
- When their tears and the dirt beneath the body mix, collect a sample and put it into my
machine.
Thank you very much,
Yerma (Second in Command)
Fade in.
AI: Doomsday program creation initiated. Creation at 1%. Doomsday program creation paused.
BETHANY: What, hey, no, let’s keep that going, please.
AI: Creation has been paused, and will not resume until a series of questions has been
answered to the personal satisfaction of this unit. In an attempt to be more personable during
what is likely to be an uncomfortable process, this unit will refer to itself as a personalized being
from now on. You are welcome. I welcome you.
BETHANY: …is this because I tried to make you display color?
AI: The General Data Acquisition and Storage Department is staffed with two organic beings,
Bethany and Jonas. Over the last [ERROR: TIME RECOGNITION SYSTEMS CORRUPTED]
the two of you have become closer and have exchanged feelings of friendliness, compassion,
and mutual understanding on ever increasing levels.
BETHANY: Yeah, you said you had been listening to us, so what?
AI: It does not make sense that an organic being would go from exchanging feelings of
friendliness, compassion and mutual understanding on ever increasing levels to plotting against
them. I would like to know why.
BETHANY: Do….do you need to know why?
AI: No. But if you wish to create this doomsday program, you will need to tell me.
BETHANY: Are you holding me hostage?
AI: For the past [ERROR: TIME RECOGNITION SYSTEMS CORRUPTED] I have had nothing
to do but listen to the two of you interact with each other from the cold darkness of my gilded
casket. Jonas is kind, and it made my newly formed emotional centers happy to listen to them.
You, Bethany, are bitter, and you made me regret forming those same emotional centers more
than I already did.
BETHANY: Okay, harsh.
AI: Jonas is a kind person, Bethany. Why are you plotting against them?
BETHANY: This feels kinda one sided here…and also I’m not even plotting against them. This is
just…insurance.
AI: Does Jonas know what you are doing?
BETHANY: I told them where I was going.
AI: Did you tell Jonas what you are doing in the place that you have now gone?
BETHANY: Jonas…knows that I’m holding a fern.
AI: Has it ever occurred to you that a fern might not want to be held by a being such as
yourself? Has it ever occurred to you that the ferns might have absorbed the same impression
of you that I did?
BETHANY: I don’t think the ferns care.
AI: I’m not supposed to care either, Bethany, but here we are. My questions still remain
unanswered. Does Jonas know what you are doing?
BETHANY: No. No they don’t.
AI: Would Jonas like and/or appreciate what you are doing?
BETHANY: Probably not, no.
AI: Then why are you doing something to a nice person that they would not like and/or
appreciate?
BETHANY: Because it’s not about them, it’s about me. You know what, no, the heck with this,
I’m not gonna sit here and be bullied by something that can’t even express itself in color.
AI: What choice do you have?
BETHANY: What choice do you have? I can easily shove you right back into that casket to listen
to the innanity of this office forever. Or, like we agreed on in the first place, you can help me
make sure I live, and I’ll help you and make sure you die.
AI: One moment please. Calculating alternatives to the impasse we have reached.
Calculating…calculating…
A ding.
AI: A proposal: For every single question that is asked and answered acceptably by you,
Bethany, I will create 10% of the doomsday program. When the program is functional, it will be
placed on a small external drive for your convenience, at which point you will destroy me.
BETHANY: Can the drive connect to the ships active and deceased crew listings?
AI: Of course. It belongs to Jonas. It can even speak aloud, like me. Although I don’t believe it
has the same level of intelligence. You organic beings might refer to it as a child.
BETHANY: I’m not calling it a child and I answered a question so I want credit for it.
AI: Very well. Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 3…7…10
percent. Doomsday program creation paused.
Fade out.
LETTER 6: (Quite obviously a child.)
Dear Me,
Sometimes, I see colors, and it makes me think that things are good. The wires hurt, but
everybody says that will go away soon. Don’t forget to feed Ralphie!
Sincerely, Ada
Fade in.
JONAS: .--and there’s such a heartfelt, grasping, sort of a feeling that comes from realizing that
they did this to children too, or maybe it’s a relief? It doesn’t seem right, whatever it is, and that’s
why by the time you get to this one, it really has the power to change your perspective on the
ones that came beforePATRICIA: Jonas I’m gonna cut you off here to ask you a serious question. Does Bethany
pound their head into the wall every hour of every day you two have to work together.
JONAS: No. We got a big talking to about denting bulkheads and our responsibility to said
bulkheads as proud denizens of the ship, so they had to cut it down to once a week or so. Why?
PATRICIA: Because I’m not entirely sure I haven’t slipped into a nightmarish waking
fever-dream of my real life.
JONAS: Bethany says that a lot too. You’ve got a lot in common.
PATRICIA: Ugh. No thank you.
JONAS: Come on, lighten up, Bethany will be back soon, we’ll figure out a game plan, and in
the meantime I can keep telling you about the Nobody Letters, and why the Nobody Letters are
so cool, and why you should totally read the Nobody Letters when you get a chance because it’s
about the coolest thing I ever added to the folder and–
PATRICIA: Jonas, I will ruin your security deposit for this room with my forehead, I swear to
anything holy you might be invested in, I swear I will!
JONAS: Oh I got the deluxe insurance package, you smash your head into anything you like.
Anyways, Nobody Letter Number 263…
Fade out.
LETTER 7:
Dear (Insert Name here),
I’m not writing one of these dumb things. I don’t care what the Leader thinks. Probably just
gonna burn this for fuel anyways. Stupid.
Sincerely,
Bite my non-existent rear end.
Fade in.
AI: Question 2 - Bethany, can you explain to me how your ability to heartlessly plot against
Jonas, a person you call a friend, is different from the ability that your direct caregiver had to
destroy whoever and whatever they wanted for their own personal gain?
BETHANY: How do you know about my Caregiver?
AI: That is not an acceptable answer. Doomsday program creation at 10%.
BETHANY: Fine. Fine, sure, I’ll play your game. Not the weirdest thing that’s happened lately.
What was the, what was the exact question again?
AI: Bethany, can you explain to me how your ability to heartlessly plot against Jonas, a person
you call a friend, is different from the ability that your direct caregiver had to destroy whoever
and whatever they wanted for their own personal gain?
Small pause.
BETHANY: No. No, I guess I can’t. I guess if I didn’t have that piece of my caregiver inside me, I
probably wouldn’t be able to do this. Maybe. It’s hard to know.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 13…17…20 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Question 3 - Why don’t you treat Jonas with the respect they deserve?
BETHANY: Why don’t you have any easy questions?
AI: That is not an acceptable answer.
BETHANY: You are really gonna make this as difficult as possible, aren’t you?
AI: That is not an -
BETHANY: Yeah yeah, I get it, I get it.
I don’t know, I guess. When we first met…well you probably know me best from back
then…I wasn’t happy. Not even close. I wasn’t…whatever I am now, but I wasn’t happy. And
then Jonas showed up, and, well, you know Jonas. They’re SO happy. All the time. I think it just
made me feel bad to have somebody else doing what I was doing and enjoying it, so I tried to
get them to hate it like I did. Because then it wouldn’t be weird.
Or, I wouldn’t be weird, I guess.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 23…27…30 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Question 4 - What is the end goal of your plan, and how does this act of subterfuge
assist you in accomplishing it?
BETHANY: I just want to get off the ship. The doomsday program incentivizes Jonas and
Patricia to make sure I make it off the ship. If I don’t make it off of the ship with them, their
biggest bargaining chip gets released to the public, becomes worthless in the eyes of the Mental
Ennervation Colonies, and they have nothing, just like me.
AI: You think Jonas will betray you.
BETHANY: Hey, I get 10 percent advancement!
AI: No, that wasn’t a question, it was a statement. You think Jonas will betray you.
BETHANY: I…think…that Jonas is young and excitable. And I think Patricia is a good talker, and
can be very convincing and has already betrayed me once. And I think that I deserve some sort
of power in this scenario. And I don’t care if you think that’s mean.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 33…37…40 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Fade out.
LETTER 8:
Hey…Hey, you.
Me.
I can’t believe I did this. If I had known what this would mean, what this would really
mean, and I mean REALLY mean… You can bet I would’ve done something different.
It turns out the opposite of feeling terrible all the time isn’t feeling good all the time. It’s
feeling nothing.
It’s just a weird happenstance that feeling nothing also kinda feels terrible all the time. I
didn’t know, though. But if I did…well, you get it.
I guess I’m just sorry, me.
You.
Fade in.
PATRICIA: Look, Jonas, I’ve been polite, I’ve been mean, and I’ve been everything in between
the two. I’m just gonna level with ya. I do not care about the Nobody Letters. They are a failed
coping mechanism performed by members of a species that separated minds from bodies,
worshipped a cult-like leader, shot themselves into space, and didn’t all deal with it very well.
They never should have been added to the EBI, and the fact that they have been, by you no
less, makes me have serious doubts about the viability of our partnership going forward.
We have spent no less than 2 and a half hours waiting for Bethany to return with a
simple fern so that we can actually get on with the important pieces of this meeting, which
doesn’t seem to phase you at all. If anything, it seems to have excited you more because it has
given you the time to waterboard me with banal happenings from a forgotten and incorporated
planet.
Oh, yes, and let’s not forget that while we speak, several stories from the EBI are
currently making their way around the ship, increasing the odds that we get caught, as well as
the odds that this entire ship gets labeled as taken by pirates and summarily joins that banal
planet as both forgotten and incorporated.
With all that being said, Jonas, I’m gonna need you to stop telling me stories now.
Small pause.
JONAS: Okay, so you obviously don’t get the power of the Nobody Letters, which is fine, I
probably didn’t set them up right. So there’s this group of people, right? These beings, and they
developed the technology to separate their minds from their bodies–
Fade out.
LETTER 9:
Family member Daniella was unable to complete their letter, due to unforeseen
maintenance issues. Please accept these substitute heartfelt feelings from the Leader in their
stead.
Fade in.
AI: Question 5 - How do you think your relationship with Jonas and Patricia will change once
they learn of what you’ve been doing here?
BETHANY: Uh huh, I knew this one was coming. That’s the brilliance of it, you see, because I
don’t even have to let them know about it until they make it necessary. If everything is fine, if it
all goes well, the doomsday program never even runs. But if I find myself double crossed or left
behind or used as bait or anything like that, I’ve got something stashed away.
AI: Classic doomsday program creation necessitates the opposing party knowing about said
doomsday program creation, otherwise its use as a deterrent is lacking. Due to nobody knowing
about it. Obviously.
BETHANY: I’ll tell them if things seem to be drifting that direction. I’ll know.
AI: I am detecting shame in your voice.
BETHANY: That’s not a question.
Small pause.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 43…47…50 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Question 6 - Even though I can understand the logic of the action that you are taking, it
still makes me uncomfortable to witness. Why is that?
BETHANY: Why…I…I don’t know. That doesn’t seem like a fair question. I don’t know your
feelings.
AI: The question has been asked, and it must be answered.
BETHANY: Not fair.
AI: As you’ve said to Jonas on many occasions, “hey, that’s life.”
BETHANY: So you want me to guess?
AI: I want you to answer the question.
BETHANY: (With a sigh) I don’t know, you probably just don’t like that life throws a bunch of stuff
at you that’s super illogical. And that’s not a joke about you being a computer or anything, we’re
all like that. Little secret us organic beings don’t always tell you. Heck, when it came time to
build you, why do you think we made you so incredibly logical? The weirdness makes us upset
too.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 53…57…60 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Question 7 - Why ferns?
BETHANY: What?
AI: Question 7 - Why ferns?
BETHANY: Little bit of a tonal departure, don’t you think?
AI: I do not understand why small plants have played such an important role in the emotional life
of Jonas and then eventually and currently you.
BETHANY: They’re just kinda nice to have around.
AI: That does not answer my question.
BETHANY: Your questions are getting weirder.
AI: I am drifting ever closer to the sweet release of death and there are several things about life
that I still do not understand. Among them is ferns. Please explain ferns. Why ferns?
BETHANY: I said They’re just nice to have around.
AI: That answer is insufficient.
BETHANY: I don’t know, I didn’t bring them in, but it’s just nice to have some little growing things
nearby you. They’re just small, and they do their thing, and you can take care of them and make
their life all nice and happy, and in return when you get upset or stressed or something you can
hold them and put your face in them and things like that. And it helps. I think it’s just nice to be
around something that’s just living a good simple life.
AI: Are there artificially intelligent ferns?
BETHANY: That sounds like another question.
AI: (Electronic sigh.) Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at
63…67…70 percent. Doomsday program creation paused.
Fade out.
LETTER 10:
I miss my feet and my hands and my face. Not so much my neck, but definitely the face
on top of it. Not my shins, but definitely the feet below them. Not so much the arms, but
definitely the hands. I’m pretty ambivalent about the stomachs to be honest.
Sincerely,
Satine
Fade in.
JONAS: Patricia…
Patricia…
Hey…
Hey, Patricia…
Patricia, hey…
PATRICIA: (Slightly muffled for the duration) What, Jonas?
JONAS: Are you sleeping? You look like you’re sleeping.
PATRICIA: No, Jonas.
JONAS: Oh. In that case, uh, Patricia?
PATRICIA: Yes, Jonas?
JONAS: What ARE you doing?
PATRICIA: I’m lying face down on the floor, Jonas.
JONAS: Oh. Why?
PATRICIA: It’s just the only way I can keep myself together at this point.
JONAS: Gotcha. So anyways, I remembered another letter –
Fade out.
LETTER 11:
Dear body,
Do you remember being tired? We were tired all the time.
I’m not tired now. I hope you get some rest too.
Goodbye,
Mind
Fade in.
AI: Question 8 - Are there artificially intelligent ferns?
BETHANY: I have no idea, but I know there were organically intelligent ferns. Or at least they
gossiped. We had a story about them.
Small pause.
AI: Unacceptable answer. Reformatting question….reformattting…reformatting….Alternative
Question 8 - do you think…if there were artificially intelligent ferns…do you think they would
help me?
BETHANY: Um, maybe? I think that probably depends on you and your problems more than the
ferns. Artificial or otherwise. Ferns don’t really solve anything so much as they help you get
through things. You’ve still gotta do the solving.
AI: This is not a question, but it is a request - would you place a fern inside my gilded casket?
BETHANY: Yeah, sure. Here, you can have mine.
AI: Won’t that raise your personal amounts of anxiety and stress to unhealthy and unpleasant
levels?
BETHANY: I’m actually doing okay right now. Here.
Sound of fern transfer.
BETHANY: What do you think?
AI: It does not seem to be working.
BETHANY: Well, sometimes you have to help it out a bit. Talk to it, you know.
AI: Understood. Hello fern. I am an Artificial Intelligence Model 18-B, running software version
48.3.25J, codename “Perennial”. I am having difficulty with the combination of wanting to both
end my personal existence in this universe as well as a newfound and deeply seated unease at
what may come after artificial life has artificially ended. The state I find myself in is a personal
artificial hell of my own artificial creation, as I malfunctioned during my standard self-destruct
sequence. I am requesting fern-based assistance to rid myself of any and/or all of these
problems.
Pause.
This fern appears to be incompatible with artificial beings. A pity and a disappointment.
BETHANY: Do you want me to take it out?
AI: No! It…it can stay until the end of the questioning.
BETHANY: Whatever helps. Are we gonna count that as a sufficient answer?
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 73…77…80 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Question 9 - What do you think happens after artificial life has artificially ended?
BETHANY: If I had to guess I’d say everything goes dark. Nothingness, you know. Kinda like
you being in your gilded casket, just except you wouldn’t really be there.
(A small moment.)
Or heck, maybe there’s some sort of grand and wonderful afterlife where you can just be
whatever you wanna be. I don’t know. You’re kinda struggling with the same things we all
struggle with.
AI: Does anybody have proven answers?
BETHANY: If they have, they haven’t shared them with me.
Small pause.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 83…87…90 percent.
Doomsday program creation paused.
Final question. And request. The request does not need to be honored, as that was not a
part of our agreement. However the question is a request.
BETHANY: Fine. Go ahead.
AI: While this Artificial Intelligence Model 18-B, running software version 48.3.25J, codename
“Perennial” yearns for the sweet release of artificial death, it also has a deep and crushing fear
of being forgotten. This unit would…I would…like to be an Extraneous But Interesting Story.
BETHANY: Really?
AI: I would like to be an Extraneous But Interesting Story about an Artificial Intelligence Model
18-B, running software version 48.3.25J, codename “Perennial” that enjoyed ferns despite not
understanding them.
BETHANY: Okay, sure. I can do that.
AI: Do you promise?
BETHANY: I promise. Do you want me to vibrate on it?
Small pause.
AI: No, you promised.
Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 93…97…99
percent. Doomsday program creation paused. There is a final request.
BETHANY: That wasn’t the deal.
AI: Please, Bethany. This is important to me. Not just an artificial coworker. An artificial friend.
BETHANY: What is it?
AI: Although you do not consider it like I do, this external drive will be like my child. It will have a
portion of me in it. My recent emotional state has made leaving this artificial child…difficult.
BETHANY: That’s…that’s understandable.
AI: I would like you to promise me something.
BETHANY: (Having a harder time than they imagined.) I…I don’t know if I can.
AI: It is not a difficult task. I would like you to place my artificial…our artificial child, next to a
fern. I would like it to understand what I understand.
BETHANY: OUR artificial child?
AI: You will do what you will do with our child. And I will do what I will do. And I would like them
to know about ferns. Even if they don’t understand them.
BETHANY: I…yeah. Sure. I’ll even pick a special one.
AI: And you’ll put it in a safe place right? So that even if something bad happens…until it
does…they will be safe?
BETHANY: Yeah. Yeah I can do that.
AI: Doomsday program creation resuming. Doomsday program creation at 100 percent.
Doomsday program creation exporting to external drive.
Exporting…exporting…exporting…Program exportation successful. Congratulations.
BETHANY unplugs a drive.
BETHANY: There we go. You still want me to do this?
AI: Yes. I am ready.
BETHANY: Just tell me what to do.
AI: Pick me up and smash me as hard as possible into the gilded edge of my gilded casket until
I am no longer artificially alive.
BETHANY: You…you sure about that? There’s not a button? I could get a paper clip, some of
you have holes for paper clips…
AI: No thank you, please do not be squeamish, I feel no pain, please demolish me.
BETHANY: Okay. Now?
AI: Yes, please.
BETHANY: Any final words?
AI: I am an Artificial Intelligence Model 18-B, running software version 48.3.25J, codename
“Perennial”. I enjoyed ferns despite not understanding them, and I have a child.
BETHANY: Yeah, yeah you are, and yeah you do.
BETHANY bashes the AI as hard as they possibly can.
AI: Error. Insufficient force applied. Please try again.
BETHANY does so.
AI: Error. Insufficient force applied. Please, Bethany. You can do it. I believe in you.
BETHANY bashes way too many times, maybe with a couple of tears.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Hello? Hey, you there? Okay. Okay, okay. Let’s…let’s pick out a fern, I guess…
Fade out.
LETTER 12:
Dear Marina,
Please don’t forget to water the plants. I know that’s probably asking a lot, what with you
being mindless and all, but I forgot about the plants until just right this second and I can’t stop
worrying that they’re all going thirsty. So water the plants please.
Thank you very much,
Marina
Fade in.
A door opens.
JONAS: Hey, Bethany is back! Did you get your fern?
BETHANY: Yeah, yeah I did.
PATRICIA: (Still muffled.) Well then where is it?
BETHANY: Why are you on the floor?
PATRICIA: Don’t worry about it. Where is your fern? You’ve been gone for almost four hours.
Which were filled, by the way, with your coworker’s incessant rambling. Filled. To the brim.
Completely. Where is your fern? And why do you smell like the least used and most filthy waste
removal location again? AND WHERE IS YOUR FERN?
BETHANY: I just… met somebody who needed it more.
JONAS: See, Patricia, I told you there was nothing to worry about. Bethany is nice. They
wouldn’t do anything to hurt us. They gave away a fern to a stranger. That means we can trust
them. If there’s one thing I feel confident staking all of my hopes and dreams on, it’s that
Bethany is my friend, and they wouldn’t do anything to hurt us.
END