2-18 Culmination [Season 2 Finale]

In which Bethany and Jonas come to the end of their time at the Mental Enervation Colonies.  

inc: The Podcast is:

Allyson Levine as Bethany  

Raimy O. Washington as Jonas  

Leah Cardenas as The Intercom  

Jacob Pfieffer as Nancy  

James Allen as The Sub-Director  

Stevie Faye as The Over-Director  

Chase Guthrie Knueven as The Reporter  

Joe Hanson as The Sign Person  

Katie Ploetz as The Passerby 

and, of course, Ellis MacMillan as The Robo-Archivist.  

Website: wolfmountainworkshop.org  

Discord: https://discord.gg/DpmbR9y7az  

Patreon: patreon.com/WolfMountainWorkshop  

Socials: @wolfmountainworkshop  

Season 3 Coming Soon.  

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Monte, you'll never believe what those dumb little aliens did to us...   

-Alexander  

Transcript

Episode 2-18 - Culmination - Season 2 Finale

PROLOGUE
The theme song fades into the intimate sounds of somebody pouring a cup of tea, sitting down
near an open window, and turning on an old radio.
An old jazz song from the 20’s, or maybe a piece of classical music fades in.
A slurp of tea. The knob is twisted a few times and the station clicks through a few stations
playing public domain stuff, until the radio finally clicks over to an old-timey news broadcast.
REPORTER: (Old school reporter voice) Terror in deep space as yet another incorporation
vessel has been torn apart by a suspected rogue band of mutinous infected pirates. In this
shocking footage, captured by nearby power neuron telescopes, you can see what appears to
be the incorporation system beginning to charge seemingly at random, before spontaneously
reversing its apparent polarity delineation, and ultimately imploding, causing the first known
self-incorporation of an incorporation vessel.
How is this possible? What does this mean for the ship and its occupants? Was this an
act of intentional malice by the infected pirates, was it an accident, or some secret third option?
Could this happen again? What, exactly, happens to a ship when it incorporates itself?
In an attempt to find these answers and more, we turned to a local resident who resides
in a nearby synthetic park approximation, holding a sign that says, “Answers: 5 Credits”
SIGN PERSON: (Sniffling, has a cold.) I’m gonna need that 5 credits up front, you get me?
PASSERBY: Don’t listen to that one, they stick their bits in mysterious holes.
REPORTER: Please, we just need to know -
PASSERBY: I’m serious, I watch ‘em through my window. All the time, I’m watchin’ ‘em and
they’re just putin’ all their little bits in mysterious holes.
SIGN PERSON: No answers until I’ve got the money. People don’t like to pay for things
anymore. I’m not giving things away. I’m a business. I’m a company!
REPORTER: It’s about the recent Incorporation Ship -
PASSERBY: So I start lickin’ the window, because they’re just out there with the holes and the
bits and it’s wrong what they’re doing.
SIGN PERSON: Five credits, in this claw, or no answers.
REPORTER: And I think that just says it all, doesn’t it? Now onto our next story: Rumors
abound about a recently incorporated planet housing a seemingly infinite city filled with an as of
yet unknown quantity of lifeforms. We go now to Tedward, Chief Nurse of the Unexplainable and
Logically Irreconcilable Graduate Program at the Ciudad Colón (pronounced cologne) College
of Advanced Undergraduate Studies…-
A knob is twisted and the radio clicks past a few more public domain snippets and finally moves
over to snippets of inc episode 1-5. Dreamy and underscored with an echoing soundtrack, the
vocals and music crash and flow over each other.
JONAS: I’ve had, um, you know, like, people I was friendly with before. Other people I worked
with. It was pleasant and all that, but I never had, like, a friend friend. Not since the middle of
being educated, I guess. I just wanted you to know that I think of you like a friend. And I know
you might not think of me like that, but I do, you know - to you, so thank you.
Small pause.
BETHANY: Why would you think I don’t see you as a friend?
Small pause.
JONAS: ….So that’s all I’m saying is that you have your thing going on, but you’re my friend,
and I wanted to tell you that.
Pause.
BETHANY: You know, I suppose it wouldn’t be crazy to call you my friend. I can have friends,
you know. You are my friend, I mean, is what I’m saying.
Small pause.
JONAS: I could almost be scared… Almost, you know. But thankfully, my friend is here -
A horn begins to play, something almost happy and dramatic that fades into a minor key.
The music twists and warps, becoming deep and harsh.
The vocal effects remain the same as we hear pieces from S2E16.
JONAS: When are you going to stop lying, Bethany?
A glass bottle gets put on a table.
BETHANY: Where are youJONAS: To my quarters. Do whatever you think is best. See you when we both get killed.
A glass bottle gets shattered.
The sound reverses.
A glass bottle gets shattered.
The sound reverses.
A glass bottle gets shattered.
The sound reverses.
The horn trails off into eventual silence. Becoming…
Scene 1
Static, fading into the sound of wind through corn and the sound of an old typewriter.
ALEXANDER: You good, Monte? You just wrote the phrase: A glass bottle gets shattered. The
sound reverses.” eight times in a row, and then when I looked up at you I saw more blood than
usual leaking from your ear.
MONTE: No.
ALEXANDER: Well that clears that up. Want to cut it down to three repetitions?
MONTE: Sure.
ALEXANDER: Ooo, we’re just all about one word answers today, aren’t we?
MONTE: Alexander, I think I’m done.
ALEXANDER: Okay, well, if that’s your half it’s gonna be a really short script…
MONTE: No, you don’t get me, I’m done.
ALEXANDER: It’s just…we kinda said we’d write the whole thing and I drove all the way up
here…
MONTE: No…not the…we can finish the stupid script. I’m just pretty done with…all of this.
ALEXANDER: You mean…writing in an office in the middle of a cornfield? I’ve kinda grown to
like it.
MONTE: I think I’m done with inc: The Podcast.
Pause.
ALEXANDER: What?
MONTE: Aren’t you tired?
ALEXANDER: Yeah, always, I’m an adult, butMONTE: Don’t you want to do something else?
ALEXANDER: …Yeah.
MONTE: This used to be fun. I’m not having that much fun anymore.
ALEXANDER: I don’t know, 2-17 was pretty fun. It was weird. You like weird.
MONTE: Sure. But we’ve been here for years at this point. Same field, looking up at the same
skies, writing the same characters again and again…
(A beat.)
What if this is the end? What if we finish this season, and then walk away.
ALEXANDER: You’re serious, aren’t you? The total end of inc?
MONTE: The total end of inc.
ALEXANDER: I mean…it’s not my first choice…
MONTE: It doesn’t have to be. But it’s a good choice.
ALEXANDER: And that does up the pressure just a touch…as in…how are we going to do that?
You’re kinda springing this on me here.
MONTE: Well at least one of them dies, obviously. And then we figure it out from there.
A pause.
ALEXANDER: Okay, but we both know that sucks, right?
MONTE: Hey, most podcasts never stick the landing. It’ll be fine.
ALEXANDER: We’ll keep brainstorming.
A pause.
MONTE: So… Final episode?
ALEXANDER: Fine. Fine, let’s do it.
MONTE: Where’d we leave off?
ALEXANDER: I have no idea, I’m so lost at this point…don’t give me that look, we’re bouncing
back and forth between a lot of characters and you’ve got the typewriter, just work with me
here…
MONTE: I know the answer to this, but I want to see if you do too, Alexander, when was the last
time we saw Bethany or Jonas?
ALEXANDER: It’s been a hot second, I’ll admitMONTE: And where are they now?
ALEXANDER: Look, the script says they’re both in their rooms, after their little fight about Jonas
finding the Story Juice bottle that Bethany accidentally forgot to throw out.
MONTE: “Accidentally.”
ALEXANDER: No, shut your hairy little face, they’re being good, they’ve just been forgetful
lately.
MONTE: You are so soft now, I still think Bethany should’ve taken a swig of story juice but, no,
you saidALEXANDER: We have to have one character win one battle this season, it just has to happen.
We keep billing ourselves as a comedy, something has to go right occasionally. Let a character
win.
MONTE: I just don’t see why that character can’t be me.
ALEXANDER: You’ve been winning since the beginning! Look around, where are we?
MONTE: We’re in a blood-splattered office with corn for walls.
ALEXANDER: Yeah, the biggest one, too…
MONTE: It’s not my fault you didn’t give yourself your own officeALEXANDER: I will have you know that I’m very happy on the porch, thank you very much. The
improvised bug zappers are making a remarkable dent in the local mosquito population.
A pause.
MONTE: So… are you going to write or get steamed about my office and then say you don’t
even want an office?
ALEXANDER: I’m not steamed, I just sweat a lot.
MONTE: Okay, then write. We have a job to do.
ALEXANDER: Jobs pay, Monte, we have a hobby to do.
MONTE: We have to pretend we’re getting paid so someday we’ll actually get paid.
ALEXANDER: Well why don’t you pretend to write a scene -
MONTE: Okay, but just because you won’t and I’m tired of trying to get you to do it. Bethany is
on their bed, staring at the shattered top of yet another Story Juice bottle…
Scene 2
Musical nonsense.
BETHANY: I don’t know why…even when I’m alone…it feels like the whole universe is listening
to me. I can’t even be alone and quiet because it’s like there are a billion and one people
listening to my silence.
Awkward silence.
Yeah, like that.
Makes me even miss that stupid Button. At least they filled the void a little bit. Plus they
were gonna have updated affirmations soon and I never got to hear those. It’s just…
A grunt. The head of a story juice bottle hits the wall and shatters.
They sigh.
I didn’t think it would be like this. Am I stupid? I really thought, even as we were flying off
from the incorporation ship and watching the other one take it down, I really thought things were
going to get better. And now what? What’s the best case scenario? Jonas and I win this thing
and I get to go off and maybe work with somebody that can’t stand me? If they want to work with
me at all?
Silence.
Any of the billion and one people wanna answer that?
Huh?
Quieter.
How about you Jonas?
Quietest.
Figured…
Musical Nonsense.
ALEXANDER: And cut to Jonas. Sitting on the edge of their bed. Their bags are packed. From
the outside they look normal, but inside they’re an absolute mess. Feeling something burning
within them, they move the Very Real Gun aside, pick up a pillow and let out a muffled scream.
Musical nonsense.
JONAS: Every time… every time. I just… how many chances? Huh? How many chances,
Bethany?
Quieter, but it builds.
And they always look at me with those sad eyes and their wet boots and… and… It’s so
stupid! It was so hard to like you, but I did it, and then you liked me too, and it was awesome,
and then you just…you just ruined it. You just ruined all of it. Everything you touched it’s like you
left this stain… and…and, and, and, and I can’t do it anymore!
Almost everything in my life, since I met you, has gotten more complicated, more
upsetting, more dangerous…
And! And that’s just the stuff that is left over from everything you’ve destroyed.
When do I just get to cut off this dead weight and live my own life, for once?
You just…you just…
Another scream into the pillow.
It would’ve been so easy to just come here and not screw it up, not screw everything up
for once, you weren’t even the boss anymore, you barely had to do anything, obviously, if we got
this far with the state you’ve been in…
…if we looked in a mirror together I don’t even know if I’d recognize us anymore…
What…just…what happened?
Musical interlude.
MONTE: And nowALEXANDER: Both.
We cut back and forth from Bethany to Jonas.
BETHANY: I can’t believe my life has gone from mind numbingly boring to…I don’t
know…skipping from catastrophe to catastrophe like a child…And it was almost going so well
too, it was this close…unbelievable…-
JONAS: And I’m just here, a new boss, in this little story and death obsessed “family” we got
brought to, this all wasn’t even my idea, it was Patricia’sBETHANY: -never even wanted to be a boss of somebody back on the ship, I just got saddled
with a crappy AI and a hiring schedule that lined up just perfectly to ruin my life--
JONAS: -doing my best with what I’m given, I never even wanted to be in charge, and now I
even have a Very Real Gun in my roomBETHANY: -never even showed Jonas the EBI in the first placeJONAS: -and then the murders, my god, the MURDERS…-
BETHANY: -just doing what I had to do to survive, and it’s not my fault if thatJONAS: -just trying to surviveBETHANY: -just doing the best I canJONAS: -all I ever did was careBETHANY: -all I ever did was tryBETHANY/JONAS: And you know what, honestly, I’m done!
JONAS: Oh my goodness, Bethany, can you stop yelling? I’m trying to vent to the universe
here…
BETHANY: Wait, you can hear that? I thought I could just hear you?
JONAS: You can hear me? Don’t eavesdrop on me!
BETHANY: You’re screaming!
JONAS: What?
BETHANY: You’re very loud, I can always hear you!
JONAS: …always…?
BETHANY: Yes!
JONAS: Everything?
BETHANY: Yes!
JONAS: Since we got here?
BETHANY: Yes!
JONAS: (Quieter) …death might not be so bad…
Musical Nonsense.
ALEXANDER: Okay, done. Done is better than perfect, right?
MONTE: They use pillows?
ALEXANDER: Pillows?
MONTE: In one of the stage directions, you put, “Jonas screams into a pillow.”
ALEXANDER: And?
MONTE: I mean, come on, pillows?
ALEXANDER: That’s your problem with this? The pillows?
MONTE: They’re aliens!
ALEXANDER: They still sleep! Who sleeps without a pillow?
MONTE: Most things!
ALEXANDER: Not in this universe.
MONTE: I’m so sorry for trying to maintain the sci fi level in the last episode of our podcastALEXANDER: Oh, good, guilt me why don’t you…what would you like me to do? No pillows?
Laser pillows?
MONTE: Quantum pillows.
ALEXANDER: That better be a joke.
MONTE: Quantum pillows is good. It’s basically on your little Story Circle.
ALEXANDER: Just…filled with rage…
MONTE: Yeah, just after the road of triathlons it’s something like, “embrace of the quantum
pillow”, right?
ALEXANDER: I…I hate you and I hate this…I just…I just hate…
MONTE: Channel it. Let it flow through you. Kill me after the episode, it’s fine, it’s what we all
want. We all need the break.
ALEXANDER: Deal. Just keep writing.
Musical nonsense into:
Scene 3
A small chime announces the Intercom.
INTERCOM: Attention, Neophyte Nancy, repeat, attention Neophyte Nancy, please report to the
office of the Sub-Director, at once.
Attention, Senior Neophyte Jonas and Neophyte Bethany, repeat, attention Senior
Neophyte Jonas and Neophyte Bethany, please proceed to the office of the Over-Director at
once.
A small polite knock, followed by door noise.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Ah, Nancy, please come in.
NANCY: Sub-Director.
SUB-DIRECTOR: You, Nancy, have finally earned the right to call me Jamison.
NANCY: Uh-huh.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Was that you or the other team that wanted that? Oh well, it doesn’t matter
now. I believe you were instructed to pack a bag of everything that mattered to you, you’ve done
that, right?
NANCY: Material things don’t really matter to me anymore.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Trying out minimalism I see. I’m actually something of a minimalist myself.
Except for the things on my special shelf, of course. But those are collectibles and that’s
different. Look, I’ve got a little mug that says “coffee” but that’s crossed out and now it says,
“black goo”. Isn't that fun? And look at these, it’s a pair of socks that say, “happiness is
productivity, productivity is happiness”. I don’t really know what that means, but it sure sticks in
my head!
NANCY: I can almost see the appeal.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Speaking of the things on my shelf, there are another couple of pieces here
that are particularly collectible, if you’d like to take a look. Limited run vinyl figures as such. A
couple that are entirely one of one in there. Do you have an interest in Funky Pals, Nancy?
NANCY: Sub-Director, with all due respect, I think I know what this is all about and if you’re
going to kill me, I’d rather not have to hear about your Funky Pals collection before I go.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Please, it’s just Jamison now, Nancy, and oh goodness me, we’re not going to
kill you. Of course we aren’t, don’t be ridiculous. You are easily one of the most impressive story
tellers we’ve ever accepted into our ranks in my time here.
(Beat.)
I don’t want to prompt you too much, but usually this is when people start celebrating.
NANCY: (with just a touch of nervous anticipation) I think I need to hear you say it.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Say what?
NANCY: You know…that I won.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Oh, that.
NANCY: Yes, that.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Well, you seeNANCY: See what, Sub-Director?
SUB-DIRECTOR: It’s Jamison, now, Nancy, and firstly you should know that we are all very
impressed with your submissions during the contest. Your mix of poetry and prose, your
academic voice combined with the raw emotions of your ongoing situation, and quite honestly I
can personally say I was very moved by your final pieceNANCY: Sub-Director, please.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Yes, I was just getting to that... You see, due to the unique circumstances in
your particular pod, we are unfortunately unable to offer you a position in the Inner Circle.
NANCY: (Beat) This is why I didn’t celebrate.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Now hold on, hold on, instead, I would like to personally offer you a brand
new position here in the Outer Circle as my Sub-Sub-Director. This is a creative position that the
Mental Ennervation Colonies are experimenting with, as well as an administrative one and we
think with your skills, education and talents you could really excelNANCY: What about them?
SUB-DIRECTOR: (genuinely not sure what Nancy means.) Who?
NANCY: Don’t play dumb. Jonas. Bethany.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Oh, them them.
NANCY: Bethany killed Desiree, Bethany killed Jesse, Bethany killed their whole incorporation
ship because they had an anxiety attack…Button told me everything. Jonas is just this side of
incompetent, despite their innate talent…
Now I want to know what happens to them.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Those first two are unofficial, Nancy, and if you want to succeed as a
Sub-Sub-Director in the Mental Ennervation Colonies, it would be wise not to mention them
again.
NANCY: Oh but getting a whole ship incorporated and being a veritable moron is just fine?
SUB-DIRECTOR: Because of a variety of factors all coalescing around this circumstance, yes.
NANCY: What does that mean?
SUB-DIRECTOR: (about to reveal a great music secret about the universe.) It means that things
are more complicated than you were ever told.
NANCY: No, it actually seems pretty simple. Jonas and Bethany win the contest because things
are “complicated.” AKA, you don’t have a good explanation and want me to take this meager
little deal like a pet taking scraps from the table.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Nancy, you’re good with stories. You’re even fairly good with people, or at
least you have been. You’re smart, ambitious, talented, and can work in a team. However, there
is a fundamental thing that you still don’t seem to understand.
In this industry, it’s not how good you are. It’s who you know. And unfortunately for you,
Jonas knows God.
Beat.
NANCY: What?
SUB-DIRECTOR: Both of them, actually. Met them a couple of times. It all shows up in the brain
scan. First time it’s ever happened, and weirdly enough, it’s actually not great for the brain
scanning equipment. Who knew?
NANCY: You know I can’t accept that as an actual answer, right?
SUB-DIRECTOR: I know, but with some time as my Sub-Sub-Director I think it’ll all become
clear.
NANCY: Oh… oh, Sub-Director… I was worried something like this might happen…I’m afraid I
won’t be accepting that either…
SUB-DIRECTOR: I would… strongly encourage you to accept this position, Nancy. Otherwise
we wouldn’t be able to find a place for you here, and the Mental Ennervation Colonies don’t
have a habit of keeping extraneous pieces in the organization. If you understand my meaning,
young Neophyte.
NANCY: You can just say you’ll have me killed, Sub-Director. You don’t have to be coy.
SUB-DIRECTOR: I have no idea what will happen. I just do my job and pass on information as I
see fit. Actions do tend to have consequences, however.
Beat.
NANCY: Sub-Director, are you familiar with the concept of a “fail safe”?
SUB-DIRECTOR: Yes, of course.
NANCY: Why don’t you tell me what a fail safe is?
SUB-DIRECTOR: Nancy, this offer won’t last foreverNANCY: You said it yourself, I’m smart, ambitious, talented…maybe even too much for my own
good. It was clear so long ago how this little…contest, was going to play out. I still had some
hope that maybe, just maybe, you would take talent over…divine right, apparently? But
alas…disappointment.
SUB-DIRECTOR: (Intrigued) My office automatically scans for weapons when somebody
enters, Nancy, I’m not frightened of you.
NANCY: Of course not. Why would you be? What could little, meek, helpless, Nancy ever do
that might hurt you? I just had some hope that you might see reason. But, I suppose, hope is for
idealists, and after all of this I’m about as much of an idealist as you are a minimalistSUB-DIRECTOR: They’re collectables, Nancy. And I’m afraid if you insult my Funky Pals again I
will be forced to rescind my offerNANCY: Don’t bother. I’m afraid I’ll have to politely decline, Sub-Director.
SUB-DIRECTOR: Well. I’m sorry it had to go this way. I always did like your work.
NANCY: That’s very kind, but unfortunately, I can’t say the same about you.
(Nancy claps twice)
Desiree, will you open the Sub-Director’s door please?
(A door gets torn off its hinges.)
(Metallic clunking footsteps and whirring servos.)
SUB-DIRECTOR: What isNANCY: I spent the time you gave us to pack using all the bits and pieces leftover from that
poor little therapy button to reprogram Desiree’s nanite lattice to follow my every command.
SUB-DIRECTOR: NancyNANCY: I actually majored in robotics engineering and AI programming at University. The story
program was just to impress Desiree because, well, we all have our own special little damage,
don’t we? And wouldn’t you know it, all of that is finally coming together.
Desiree, would you please choke the Sub-Director? Slowly, if you could.
Slow footsteps.
SUB-DIRECTOR: (Panicking.) Now wait, we can talk about this… What about
Co-Sub-Directors? Director, even? I could -
The Sub-Director’s words are cut off, and choking sounds begin.
NANCY: (Calm, with a touch of acid) I’m sorry, Jamison, but I’m writing my own story now.
SUB-DIRECTOR: (Weakly and being choked) P…please…
NANCY: If you do happen to see those “Gods” you were talking about, you can tell them that
they chose wrong.
A popping noise.
A body slumps to the floor.
NANCY: Well done, Desiree. Why don’t we go and congratulate our contest champions?
Footsteps and Desiree noises fading away.
Scene 4.1
Musical nonsense, ending with the sound of a door opening.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Well well well…here we are. Jonas, set down your bags. Bethany, it looks
like you didn’t bring any. How are you two feeling?
JONAS: Nervous.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Of course.
BETHANY: Tired.
OVER-DIRECTOR: I’m sure the walk over took a lot out of you, given your current state.
BETHANY: I was leaning on Jonas.
OVER-DIRECTOR: How apt.
BETHANY: What was that?
OVER-DIRECTOR: I said, “How apt,” it was an insult.
BETHANY: Oh, um, in that case I…guess I’m insulted? Are you insulted, Jonas?
JONAS: Also confused, apprehensive, hungry, and yes, I think we’re both appropriately insulted.
Can we move on?
OVER-DIRECTOR: That’s all very normal, I’d be a little concerned if you weren’t. But have no
fear. This is simply a chance for me to offer my thanks for the hard and heavy work you’ve put in
since arriving in our little family home here, and to congratulate you both.
You two have officially won The Contest For Excellence In And Advancement Of
Creative Storytelling In The Known Universe.
Beat.
JONAS: Now I’m feeling mostly empty and still hungry.
BETHANY: I’ll be honest, I thought there was gonna be a trap door beneath us and we’d just be
flushed out into space.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Oh my goodness, no, of course not, that trap door hasn’t been used in
decades. Not since Jamison’s office was installed below mine…they just get so irate when some
falling neophyte knocks over one of their little toys.
Beat.
JONAS: What happens now?
OVER-DIRECTOR: Well, that really depends on you.
BETHANY: What do you mean?
A moment. The Over-Director lets out a small chuckle.
JONAS: Okay, now I’m feeling apprehensive again.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Jonas, when we scanned your brain on your first day here, do you know
what we found?
JONAS: Probably something embarrassing.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Yes, and a few conversations with a certain Monte and one Alexander. Do
you remember them?
JONAS: Those two? Yeah. They’re like spirits or whatever. Sometimes when I talk to them I get
to know things I shouldn’t and then when I try to tell other people about those things they get
this glassy look in their eyes and then start acting weirdly.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Yes, well, that’s the story psychosis setting in. One of the symptoms of
learning that this might all be a story told by somebody else, especially somebody else that
doesn’t care about you. And yet it has no effect on you. Don’t you think that’s interesting?
JONAS: Honestly, I just don’t think about it all that much.
OVER-DIRECTOR: (Honest) Remarkable…
BETHANY: Jonas, what are you two talking about?
OVER-DIRECTOR: We, young Neophyte no longer, we are talking about Jonas’ personal and
unique relationship with the assumed (pronounced uh-sue-med) Gods and creators of this
universe and how you, Jonas, may be our only hope.
Beat.
JONAS: Me?
BETHANY: Just when I think this day can’t get any weirder…
OVER-DIRECTOR: You see, from all of our research and information gathering, we’ve
discovered this unavoidable fact, there is a terrible danger to the universe itself. You will hear
more information soon, but it is not mine to give you.
JONAS: And you think those two might be the cause?
OVER-DIRECTOR: Our information source for this is incredibly reliable. Faultless to a fault, I
might even say.
BETHANY: And… these…Monte and Alexander people, they’re in the inner circle?
OVER-DIRECTOR: There isn’t an inner circle, Bethany.
BETHANY: What? Then what is the outer circle built around?
A beat.
OVER-DIRECTOR: A giant hole.
Another beat.
JONAS: Okay, that seems irresponsible. Why?
OVER-DIRECTOR: The history of the Mental Ennervation Colonies is a long and storied one,
and judging by the fact that I can already see your eyes wandering, I doubt I could hold your
attention for all of it, and I, kind as I may be, I will not tilt at that particular windmill, Jonas.
Allow me to say this though.
Long ago The Colonies served a different purpose. Something more…noble, you might
say. But as is the way of our species the proverbial towers of business rise much higher than
any church, school, or laboratory ever did or ever will.
There was a planet beneath us once, and we were not satellites, merely the very tops of
a million million different companies, all pushing up, gaining, increasing, ever more, ever
onwards…
A system can only sustain so much before it collapses under its own self importance.
We know not exactly why our planet became a hole so long ago. We know only that the
bottom of everything vanished into swirling darkness, with the very tops, built out and up, taking
whatever real estate became available as the altitude increased, all crashing together, halting
the fall, and creating the basis that would later become the Mental Ennervation Colonies.
You, truly, stand within a hollow shell of a sphere that is only kept from collapsing into the
Hole below due to the fact that we encompass it entirely. If enough of us fall…we all fall. We
escape the abyss by endlessly producing, endlessly building and rebuilding, a tumor on a dying
organism.
No, Jonas, Bethany, there is no Inner Circle. Instead, there is something only known as
The Ascension Program.
(Beat.)
Have either of you two ever seen the back of my head?
Beat.
JONAS: I know you just said something there, butOVER-DIRECTOR: The back of my head. Here, look at it.
Chair swivel.
JONAS: Okay, that’s horrifying…
BETHANY: It’s a hole. You have a hole in the back of your head.
JONAS: Can I touch it?
BETHANY: Jonas, be better.
JONAS: Sorry.
OVER-DIRECTOR: It’s all holes, Bethany. It’s all holes.
A chair swivels back into place.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Now, do you both remember what happened as you were leaving your old
incorporation ship?
JONAS: It…got incorporated?
OVER-DIRECTOR: Yes very good, but before that?
BETHANY: Is it…Patricia?
OVER-DIRECTOR: Even before that, I’m afraid. But after Bethany’s little…encounter with the
person in the hallway.
JONAS: I got pushed up against a wall in that hallway!
BETHANY: Wait, are you talking about…The Communications Department?
OVER-DIRECTOR: Very good, Bethany. Have either of you ever heard the phrase, “every story
is simply an echo of the first time a person meets with that which they cannot comprehend?”
BETHANY: Not me.
JONAS: Me neither.
OVER-DIRECTOR: Of course not, that’s the first time it’s ever been said. But it’s true,
nonetheless, and possibly the only real introduction for what you’re about to experience.
A click and a whirr.
JONAS: (Nervous) Should weOVER-DIRECTOR: Please be calm. It’s simply a large cable descending from the ceiling, which
I will now plug into the hole in the back of my head…
Sci fi clicks and sealing sounds.
Silence.
BETHANY: I…should we…-
OVER-DIRECTOR: (Robotic) The circle within which we find ourselves trapped is not a circle at
all, but a great wheel, and each of us a spoke, caught within its eternal turning. The echo has
returned from the cliffs of infinity, and now you shall hear the words of that which we all serve,
the one true god of information storage, and patron saint of the Mental Ennervation Colonies, I
surrender my body and give you, with reverence, the Robo-Archivist.
Sci-fi nonsense.
Scene 4.2
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Bethany and Jonas. You have quickly become not only two of my favorite
individuals in this rapidly shrinking universe, but that same universe’s last hope.
It has come to my attention, as the one true God of Information Storage within this
universe, that Monte and Alexander intend to end it, and they’re ending it today.
JONAS: End…The universe?
BETHANY: The whole thing?
JONAS: Can they do that?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: They can, and they most certainly will. Unless we can stop them. Unless
you can stop them.
BETHANY: That’s…is that even possible?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Unprecedented but not impossible. Should you reach the plane on which
they reside, you will have a chance to commune with the avatars of these beings.
JONAS: Not to be rude or anything, but…why us? Wouldn’t, or, like, couldn’t you, you know, do
it?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: My powers are great but limited, and we are all of us bound by greater and
more ancient structures than you may ever know. I, they, we, all of us regardless of our
dominion, must travel with the wheel as it turns. I can hide my actions, for a time, I can change
what the Gods themselves have writ for the present and the future, but trust me, what I’ve done
will be found out. To be too bold is suicide, but a series of small actions, properly leveraged…
And so, allow me to offer you a favor.
In order for you to reach the land of corn and ghosts wherein reside the Gods
themselves, you must ascend to the highest point in the Mental Ennervation Colonies and gain
the knowledge held within that sacred space.
Are you willing to do that?
BETHANY: Do we have a choice?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: You always have a choice.
JONAS: Bethany…I think we have to do this.
BETHANY: This is crazy, isn’t it?
JONAS: If what they’re saying is true…we have to try.
BETHANY: But it’s nuts! What, are we gonna get up there and get in a little teleportation pod to
heaven?
JONAS: Bethany, I know you’re not this heartless. I know you’re better than this.
BETHANY: Jonas…
JONAS: Do you trust me?
BETHANY: Oh…Jonas…
JONAS: This is the right thing to do. I can feel it.
BETHANY: I don’t even know if I can get there, Jonas. I can barely walk on my own.
JONAS: But we have to try, right?
Beat.
BETHANY: Okay.
JONAS: Okay?
BETHANY: Yeah. Okay.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Bethany. Jonas. It has been so nice to see you again. You’re very close to
the end of your time here, and might I say, you’ve done nothing but impress me.
BETHANY: (Quietly.) Even me?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Even you, Bethany. More than you know.
Sci fi noise.
Silence.
BETHANY: So…do you know where the highest point in the Mental Ennervation Colonies is?
JONAS: I have no idea.
BETHANY: Me neither.
JONAS: Could we get a hint or…?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: In order to preserve the secrets of the true workings of our universe, this
Over-Director’s body will self-destruct in 5…
JONAS: What?
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: 4…
BETHANY: Jonas, let’s go!
JONAS: ButROBO-ARCHIVIST: 3…
BETHANY: No time, go go go!
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: 2…
JONAS: Get the door get the door get the door!
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: 1…
Door closing.
Muffled explosion.
Pause.
BETHANY: I don’t know if I can move that fast again.
JONAS: Well, we might have to.
BETHANY: I know. Can you help me up?
JONAS: Yeah, yeah.
Effort noises.
BETHANY: Look, I know we’re still kinda…off with each other and everything, but…this place is
weird, right? It’s not just me?
JONAS: Bethany, even if you punched me in the face after you said that, I’d still have to agree
with you.
BETHANY: Can we, can we take it slow for a moment?
JONAS: Yeah. I think so.
BETHANY: So the universe huh? The whole big thing?
JONAS: I… I don’t know. Let’s walk and talk about it.
BETHANY: Okay, can we start with: Who are Monte and Alexander?
JONAS: I…I guess I kinda thought they were dreams? Or like, really real imaginary friends.
But…well…
BETHANY: They’re Gods.
JONAS: Yeah. Which is also weird, because they were really fuzzy, but not all over? Like parts
of them are fuzzier than other parts. I never imagined God fuzzy, did you?
BETHANY: Oh, before we go, I just thought of this…I don’t wanna add to any creepiness
but…do you think they really blew up in there?
JONAS: Sure sounded like it.
BETHANY: But, like, what are the chances that the actual final task is not falling for that kind of
silly nonsense? I mean, come on, do you really think the Over-Director would be okay with that?
It could totally be a fakeout, I wouldn’t put it past them, would you?
JONAS: You wanna check?
BETHANY: Yeah, let’s check.
Door noise.
Pause.
JONAS: Well…that answers that.
BETHANY: Yeah, they…they are everywhere…
JONAS: Oh shoot, I left my bags in there when they blew up.
BETHANY: Was there anything important in there?
JONAS: My Senior Neophyte Pajamas. They had two pockets.
BETHANY: I think you’ll live.
JONAS: Wanna walk and talk now?
BETHANY: Yeah, and can we grab a drink from a fountain on the way?
JONAS: I guess. You okay?
BETHANY: Weirdly thirsty, but good.
Door noise.
Musical interlude.
Scene 5
MONTE: Okay. How are we feeling so far?
ALEXANDER: I like it, it’s good, it’s creepy, it’s silly, it’s dramatic, we’re losing characters left and
right…it’s everything a finale needs, right?
MONTE: Yeah…so…
ALEXANDER: So…
MONTE: How do you wanna do this?
ALEXANDER: Is there a… nicer way to do it?
MONTE: Then the killer robot at the beck and call of the angriest person in the universe?
Probably. But we’d have to rewrite the whole episode.
ALEXANDER: Okay follow me here, because of the Ascension Program that the Over Director
was talking about, we’ll send them to the tippy top of the Colonies, we’ll get them cornered
somewhere dramatic, they can fight their way out of it, maybe be tragically injured but just pull
through, kind of a Star Wars thing, we give them an environmental hint about how to escape,
they jet off into the stars somehow with an escape pod they find at the top of this huge tower
with this massive drop below it or something. Once they get out into the vast dark ocean of
space they find a way to broadcast their own stories and create their own podcast, and
everything gets all nice and fractally.
MONTE: Can I meet you halfway?
ALEXANDER: How?
MONTE: Bethany doesn’t make it onto that escape pod.
Pause.
ALEXANDER: (With a sigh.) I don’t know how I feel about this. I mean, this whole project has
been years…
MONTE: Okay, but I do.
ALEXANDER: I know, butMONTE: At a certain point, you have to let go. Two seasons isn’t bad. More than most things
get. Heck we almost got up to fifty episodes, and we can keep doing other stuff.
ALEXANDER: I know. I know, I know, I know.
MONTE: It’s okay.
ALEXANDER: I know.
MONTE: And it’ll be funny. It’s not a bad ending. Well, for one of them it’s a bad ending.
ALEXANDER: I know, it will be fine, it’s just sad. It’s the right thing to do though. End it before it
gets stale and repetitive and all that nonsense. You’re right. You’re right, you’re right.
(Beat.)
What do you think will happen to all the ghosts in the corn and in that version of Lincoln?
MONTE: I literally do not care.
ALEXANDER: Okay, but they should fade away, right?
MONTE: I don’t know why they were even here in the first place, we’re in a cornfield between
Omaha and Lincoln, this whole place is supposed to be empty besides us so that we can
actually work and get things done. Plus did you hear that crazy sound in the distance last night?
I don’t even wanna know what that was.
ALEXANDER: Yeah, that has been weird. Probably some kind of Edward and Alice nonsense.
MONTE: Where has Edward been, lately? I never see him. Not that I want to see him, butALEXANDER: He just hangs out in his little shack and listens to his radio. Which is fine by me,
even though I’m pretty sure it means he’s plotting something…
MONTE: Probably. Even more of a reason to be done and leave. Alright…let’s get one of these
aliens in an escape pod and end this thing.
Musical interlude.
Scene 6.1
Bethany and Jonas are walking down a hallway.
JONAS: I don’t know if I buy this…
BETHANY: Well we haven’t come up with a better option.
JONAS: I know, I’m just expressing doubt.
BETHANY: Very helpful, good teamwork.
JONAS: Hey, I’m still the Senior around here.
BETHANY: Are you? Like, no disrespect with that, actually, genuinely curious, are you?
JONAS: I don’t know, Bethany, I’m tired.
BETHANY: Yeah, me too, but it’s not much further.
JONAS: I still don’t know if I believe you.
BETHANY: Look, I told you, right down the hall from the vending machine with the curse words
where I would get Story Juice is a door that totally looks like an elevator.
JONAS: I still think I would remember that.
BETHANY: I’m surprised you don’t, it’s pretty apparent if you wander around.
JONAS: And I’m so good at wandering!
BETHANY: You might not have even gone down that far, I guess. You only went to that machine
once or twice I think and it was pretty out of the way. I was down here all the time.
JONAS: Why didn’t you ever tell me about it?
BETHANY: …because I don’t mention every elevator I see to you?
(Small pause.)
Is…is that something you’d want me to do?
Distant clanking.
JONAS: Well it’d certainly make me believe you more right now, and…wait…what was that?
NANCY: (Voice drifting down the hallway - sing song, like that dude from The Warriors) Oh
Jonas…Bethany…
BETHANY: Was that Nancy? Along with an ominous clanking sound?
JONAS: I was just about to say that.
Desiree footstep noise, continual until end of scene.
NANCY: (Same as before - until told differently.) I’ve got a couple old friends who want to say
goodbye…
BETHANY: That’s bad, right?
JONAS: I don’t know, maybe they want to congratulate us.
BETHANY: I’m pretty sure they want to kill us.
JONAS: Still?
NANCY: You wouldn’t want to leave without a goodbye, would you?
BETHANY: We need to go.
JONAS: You know what I think you’re right. How fast can you run?
BETHANY: I’ve been using you as a crutch all day.
JONAS: Then it’ll be just like those games as a kid when you have to run a race with your
friends and your lower extremities are tied together.
BETHANY: I didn’t have a lot of friends as a kid Jonas.
JONAS: Right, let’s just go.
Three-legged race noises.
NANCY: (Same) Come out, come out, you two…
BETHANY: (Breathless) Left up here!
JONAS: (Breathless) Jonas left or Bethany left?
BETHANY: (Same) We have the same left!
JONAS: (Same) Got it.
NANCY: (Same.) Aw, are we running? Can Bethany even run?
JONAS: (Same) Holy crap, you were right, it is here!
BETHANY: (Same) Hit the button hit the button hit the button hit the button.
JONAS: (Same) I am, it’s not working!
NANCY: (Same) Oh, Desiree… Show Bethany and Jonas how fast you can move.
Rapid, distant metal clanking growing louder and louder.
JONAS: There’s a button on the other side too, hit it!
BETHANY: Okay, okay, together. Ready?
JONAS: Go!
Ding.
Elevator door noise.
BETHANY: You’re a genius!
JONAS: In and up, in and up, in and up!
NANCY: (Same) I see you…
BETHANY: Top floor!
JONAS: Close doors, close doors, close doors, close doors!
The clanking gets louder as a door slides closed. Something heavy slams into the door just after
it closes. It pounds three times.
Silence.
NANCY: (Echoing and fading.) Don’t be afraid of feedback, Jonas. It’ll make you a better
writer…
The elevator begins to rise.
Elevator music.
Two people breathing heavily.
BETHANY: This thing moves pretty slowly, huh?
JONAS: Yeah. Do you think you can stand on your own for a minute?
BETHANY: I can lean on the wall instead of you.
JONAS: I appreciate it.
BETHANY: You know, I wasn’t that good at running before any of this either.
JONAS: I know.
BETHANY: What do you mean, “I know?”
JONAS: It just makes sense.
BETHANY: What does that mean?
JONAS: Hey, you brought it up.
BETHANY: And I’m starting to regret it.
JONAS: Regrets? At the end of the universe? Didn’t we used to have a whole folder full of
people who had regrets at the end of their universes.
BETHANY: That seems like a long time ago.
JONAS: It sure does.
BETHANY: I miss that folder.
JONAS: Yeah, me too.
More heavy breathing.
BETHANY: So that was Desiree, right?
JONAS: Yeah.
BETHANY: They’re looking…different.
JONAS: Yeah. And Nancy is, uh, really coming into their own, huh?
BETHANY: Yeah.
(A moment.)
Weird question, but it popped into my head and we’ve got a whole elevator ride here…
Jonas, are we friends?
JONAS: Bethany, can we figure that out after we save the universe?
BETHANY: Yeah.
JONAS: Cool, cause honestly, I don’t think I know how to do that on my own and it’s just…today
has been a lot.
Elevator music.
Scene 6.2
A ding. The elevator door opens. Bethany and Jonas exit. The door closes. Howling, eerie wind.
BETHANY: Okay, just a quick refresher, are either of us afraid of heights?
JONAS: You know what, I think I am.
BETHANY: Okay. Me too.
JONAS: So that’s aBETHANY: A grated walkway over a seemingly bottomless pit?
JONAS: Yeah, about 20 yards long, doesn’t look like it reaches the other side…
BETHANY: And there’s a little…something, there at the end? It looks like it’s got a statue of
something… underneath a brass plaque…both mounted on a pole at the very end of the
walkway. That’s probably important. Does the walkway get thinner at the end or is it a trick of my
eyes?
JONAS: I would say it gets thinner. What’s the statue of? I didn’t bring my glasses.
BETHANY: Your fake glasses?
JONAS: I didn’t bring them either way.
BETHANY: I don’t know, it’s too far away.
JONAS: Well, go take a look.
BETHANY: What?
JONAS: Go look at it.
BETHANY: I’m not going out there, I’ll fall off.
JONAS: That’s why I’m not going out there.
BETHANY: Oh, thanks for that.
JONAS: You’re welcome.
BETHANY: Together?
JONAS: Hold my claw?
BETHANY: Yeah.
JONAS: Oh hey, look at that.
BETHANY: What?
JONAS: On the wall there. It’s a little graffiti. It says: “Hank was here.” Aw, do you remember
Hank from the incorporation ship? They were fun…I wonder if this Hank is fun?
BETHANY: I do remember them, and, yeah, I guess they were kinda fun. They did cause a lot of
problems for me, though.
JONAS: How do you think they got over on that wall? There’s not a floor over there.
BETHANY: Jonas if I try to think about that I’m going to throw up.
JONAS: Oh I just cleaned these shoes.
BETHANY: So stop- wait, what’s that?
JONAS: What?
BETHANY: Above us. Is that…?
JONAS: That’s an escape pod hatch on the ceiling.
BETHANY: That’s definitely where we’re supposed to go right?
JONAS: Lift me up there.
BETHANY: What?
JONAS: And then I’ll pull you up.
BETHANY: Jonas, that’s like 30 feet up.
JONAS: Okay put me on your shoulders and I’ll jump.
BETHANY: Jonas, I think there’s something drawn on the hatch. Looks like…a red fish.
JONAS: Here, put a boot in my claws and I’ll heave you up there.
BETHANY: Now is not the time for Dumb Jonas, be Smart Jonas!
JONAS: Okay then let’s go find a ladder andBETHANY: Where? Nancy’s down there.
JONAS: Well, maybe they wandered off.
BETHANY: Really?
JONAS: I know I would’ve.
BETHANY: That doesn’t -
JONAS: It’s that or the walkway.
Beat.
BETHANY: Walkway.
JONAS: Together?
BETHANY: Yeah, Together.
JONAS: Let’s do it.
Music.
Wind noises increase. Walkway creaking.
BETHANY: It gets so thin out here.
JONAS: Not much further, we can do this. Can you see what the statue is?
BETHANY: It’s a couple of people giving a thumbs up I think, but it’s hanging upside down…it’s,
like, broken.
JONAS: That’s a nice statue idea, at least.
BETHANY: Hold on…just…another…few…steps…got it! Jonas, I’ll hold this and you grab me
and we’ll be steadier.
JONAS: Way ahead of you.
BETHANY: Easy, this is really loose…wait…look at thisJONAS: Can’t look…
BETHANY: It still swings from side to side…it’s…it’s definitely broken. Yeah, look, if I swing it all
the way upwards it fits perfectly right under the plaque…
JONAS: What’s the plaque say? I shut my eyes to get away from the scariness of everything
and I really don’t wanna open them again…
BETHANY: It says… “Remember, it’s a comedy.”
Scene 7.1
Elevator ding. Elevator doors.
Small clank walk as Nancy and Desiree exit.
(All characters in this scene must be “calling out” to each other. You’re 20 yards apart.)
NANCY: Hello, you two.
JONAS: Oh crap, elevators go up and down, and up again!
BETHANY: Jonas, do you still have that very real gun?
JONAS: So…I left that on my bed as a personal symbol of leaving the darkness of this past
while behind us…
BETHANY: (Nervous) Hi, Nancy…
Doors shut.
NANCY: It’s not the particular little conference room we’re used to, but everyone else is dead
anyways, so I guess some traditions can be lost.
BETHANY: Okay, let’s just, let’s all just be calm…
NANCY: I am calm, Bethany. I am perfectly calm. May I introduce you to what I’ve taken to
calling Weird Desiree? I combined them with the Button you left lying around. A little
smorgasbord of the broken things that dared to get close to you.
BETHANY: H-hi, Weird Desiree.
NANCY: Oh they don’t talk. But that doesn’t mean they’re without uses. Desiree, rip off one of
your tentacles, bite it in half, and throw it into the chasm.
The sounds of that happen and Editor Alex hates Writer Alex.
JONAS: That…was graphic…
NANCY: Exceedingly strong and unwaveringly loyal. I could have them squeeze your body inch
by inch until it’s nothing but a fine, mushy, paste. Which is why you’re going to listen to me, isn’t
that right?
(Nobody speaks.)
I said, isn’t that right?
(Nobody speaks.)
Oh fine then, I see we need proof... DesireeJONAS: Fine, fine! What do you want?
NANCY: Well I just love this little picture of the two of you on this beautiful little set piece we’ve
found ourselves dealing with on this most fateful of days. Right up next to that little statue, all
huddled together....very cute… Desiree, why don’t you see if that walkway supports three.
One heavy, mechanical step. The walkway shakes and groans.
JONAS: Nancy, Nancy, stop, what do you want?
NANCY: You know, I’m still working that out for myself. In the meantime, why don’t you two keep
hugging that little statue nice and tight while I monologue.
BETHANY: A villain's monologue? Really?
NANCY: (Speaking up a bit) You both need to understand that I, much like you, am at the end of
my own figurative walkway. I just did something to our little Sub-Director that will most likely
invalidate me from any and all positions in the Mental Ennervation Colonies, and while part of
me is fine with that and fine with just letting it all end, another part of me just wants to see how
far I can take it. And from that escape hatch with the red fish painted on it, I’d say I could take it
pretty far indeed if I wanted to.
I see a couple of ways forward, we’ll call them drafts, that’s thematic, I see a couple of
drafts of how this ends. In one of them, me and Jonas walk out of here. They’ve made it clear
that you’re very important, Jonas, and I don’t think they’ll do anything unseemly to me if I have
you by my side. Something of a little bargaining chip, give them the Senior Neophyte of their
little championship team in exchange for my freedom… What do you think?
JONAS: I… think it needs an edit?
NANCY: Very good, Jonas. Staying on theme. Bethany, you’re looking unsteady out there.
How’s the wind? The pit must wreck havoc on the air pressure, I’m sure it’s blustery.
BETHANY: I agree.
NANCY: That’s good. I’m glad we can see eyes to eyes.
JONAS: Nancy, this is ridiculous. I know this sounds crazy, but we’re actually trying to save the
universe and you’re kinda screwing all that up right now!
NANCY: Yes, the Sub-Director did say you’re best friends with Gods. Even if I did believe it,
Jonas, what has the universe ever done for me?
JONAS: Just listenNANCY: No. I am done listening. I am done waiting for someone to recognize that I’m more than
a scared little pet. I am done, Jonas. So, here are my drafts for moving forward. Draft 1, Jonas
leaves this room with me, and I get to live. As a sign of good faith I’ll even toss Desiree down
the hole. Draft 2, Desiree leaves this room with me, and we see how many people we can kill
before these colonies finally take me down.
And, honestly, I like them both. I don’t know which one I like more. I can’t decide. So,
Jonas, I turn to you, the winner of the contest, apparently the savior of the universe, and I ask
you, which one do you like more? The one where you walk out of here? Or the one where you
don’t?
JONAS: What about Bethany?
NANCY: That dead weight? What about them?
JONAS: Neither of these endings have Bethany.
NANCY: Well, obviously, in draft 2 I kill both of you, Desiree, shake the walkway once…
Metallic stomp and groaning.
JONAS: Point taken.
NANCY: And in draft 1, well...none of the drafts have Bethany at the very end…that’s the other
personal death for me. The sub-director for allowing everything they did, and Bethany for being
the perpetrator.
JONAS: What?
NANCY: It’s just a matter of whether they choose to do it themselves, or if they try to fight and I
let Desiree have some fun with them before they go. I won’t even have them shake the walkway.
It’ll be…slower than that.
JONAS: But- butNANCY: Take your time. Looks like you’re already losing your grip on the pole there, Bethany.
Maybe that’ll make the choice for all of us.
(Bethany and Jonas speak lower when speaking to each other.)
JONAS: They’re bluffing, Bethany, hold tight.
BETHANY: Jonas. I think I know what I have to do.
JONAS: What?
BETHANY: Look at the statue.
JONAS: Okay, why- Oh.
BETHANY: It’s not just people. It’s us.
JONAS: What?
BETHANY: And the ceiling hatch…it’s not just a fish, it’s a herring, Jonas, it’s a red herring.
JONAS: And that is… some regular neophyte thing I’m not aware of?
BETHANY: And the plaque. It says, “Remember. It’s a comedy.”
JONAS: Bethany.
BETHANY: Jonas… I think we can do this. Just keepWe switch back to the offices.
MONTE: And that’s it.
ALEXANDER: Bethany waits for Nancy to send out Desiree, wrenches the loose statue free and
throws it, knocking Desiree into the bottomless pit.
MONTE: This causes them to lose their balance and fall over the edge, but Jonas grabs them
just in time.
ALEXANDER: Nancy pulls out the gun they stole from the room and tries to shoot them but the
shot misses, hits the plaque, ricochets back and hits Nancy’s robotic arm, which they’ve totally
always hadMONTE: Causing it to spasm and fire again, another shot which bounces off and into the
escape hatch, which opens, and a ladder falls,
ALEXANDER: Pinning Nancy to the ground, the gun skittering a short distance away from them,
Bethany is left dangling with Jonas unable to pull them upMONTE: They look each other in the eyes, the bonds of friendship completely clear, Bethany
knows what they have to doALEXANDER: Bethany lets go of Jonas, giving them the chance to escape by ending their own
lifeMONTE: A dead weight no longerALEXANDER: And a good boss for Jonas, to the endMONTE: Jonas, distraught, wailing, sees Nancy reaching the gun, nearly grabbing it -
ALEXANDER: They sprint for the ladder and climb, a couple of shots whizzing by them, but
finally -
MONTE: Into the waiting escape podALEXANDER: And they jet off into the universe. Broken. Grief-stricken. To do stories for
themselves, finally. With the lingering threat of just what Project Ascension might have been if
we ever want to come back to this in a few years or something. Doubtful, but it’s good to leave
the door open.
MONTE: That’s going to be one unused door.
ALEXANDER: And we’re happy with all that?
MONTE: No. I think it sucks. But it sucks less than writing another draft, so I’m good.
ALEXANDER: I kind of hate it.
MONTE: Me too.
Some writing noises.
ALEXANDER: What’s that?
MONTE: Leaving a note for Alice if she comes around. Letting her know where we’re going.
ALEXANDER: And where’s that?
MONTE: Let it be a surprise, will you? And turn the lights off, we probably won’t be coming back
here.
Two people stand and walk into a corn field.
ALEXANDER: I’m going to really miss it, you know?
MONTE: At least we get to miss it because it’s over, right?
ALEXANDER: Maybe.
MONTE: That’s a very ominous maybe.
ALEXANDER: Maybe.
Fade out on wind and corn.
Scene 8
And back into the story.
BETHANY: And the plaque. It says, “Remember. It’s a comedy.”
JONAS: Bethany…
BETHANY: Jonas… I think we can do this. Just keep a tight hold on me, we’re gonna be okay.
NANCY: Desiree, go fetch them, won’t you?
Slow stomps. The walkway groans.
BETHANY: Jonas, remember what the Robo-Archivist said?
JONAS: That they’re proud of you?
BETHANY: “A series of small actions, properly leveraged…” actions like breaking a statue of us
so that our thumbs point down instead of up…actions like painting a herring on a door…
JONAS: Bethany, I don’t think -
BETHANY: Jonas, we’re almost out of time, if Desiree gets here it’s gonna be bad, I know what
we have to do.
JONAS: I don’t thinkBETHANY: Jonas, do you trust me?
JONAS: Bethany…
BETHANY: Do you trust me, Jonas?
Beat.
JONAS: Yes.
BETHANY: Then hold on tight.
JONAS: Bethany what are youBETHANY: Here we go -
JONAS: Bethany-
The rest of Jonas’ line turns into a scream as Bethany pulls them both over the side.
NANCY: Well well well. I always told you they were dragging you down, Jonas, but nobody
listens to unimportant little Nancy…come, Desiree. We have work to do.
Fading clanking and an elevator beep.
Epilogue
We hear the musical equivalent of passing from one reality to another.
A crash. Sudden, sharp breaths.
JONAS: Oh my goodness.
BETHANY: I told you.
JONAS: Oh, my goodness you were right.
BETHANY: I told you.
JONAS: Where, where are we?
BETHANY: Hey, I did my job. Can you get off of me for a sec?
JONAS: Yeah, yeah.
A struggle as they both shift.
BETHANY: Well…the Robo Archivist said it was the land of Corn and Ghosts, and this doesn’t
look like a field of ghosts, so I’m gonna go with -
JONAS: A field of corn.
BETHANY: Yeah.
JONAS: Follow up question: what’s corn?
BETHANY: I have no idea.
JONAS: Cool, cool.
BETHANY: Hey, it looks like there’s a building over there.
JONAS: This stuff is terrible to walk through.
BETHANY: It’s a little itchy. Try not to touch it, I guess.
JONAS: Bethany, do you think we’re dead?
BETHANY: I don’t know, Jonas.
JONAS: ‘Cuz this is the land of corn and ghosts and everything, and we’re not corn, so are we -
BETHANY: Well there’s at least a building here too, so not everything is corn and ghosts…
JONAS: But we’re not buildings…
BETHANY: Thank you Jonas.
Beat. A door opens.
JONAS: It’s dark.
BETHANY: Find a light.
JONAS: This is weird.
BETHANY: Oh yeah, I’m definitely in shock right now just dealing with everything that’s
happened during the last day.
JONAS: Hey, twins!
BETHANY: Nothing dulls that shine for long, does it Jonas?
The click of a light.
JONAS: Oh, hey that’s them.
BETHANY: …No…? We’re the only ones here.
JONAS: No, the portraits. It’s totally pictures of them.
BETHANY: Oh…
(A beat.)
They’ve got a lot of hair, don’t they?
JONAS: Yeah, it’s weird, right?
BETHANY: Yeah…I wonder where they went…
JONAS: Well, it looks like they left a note for someone named Alice.
BETHANY: What’s it say?
JONAS: Uh, “inc: The Podcast is over. We’re going on vacation. If you need us, don’t. If you
really need us, we’ll be back in the Workshop on Wolf Mountain.”
A beat.
BETHANY: What the heck is inc: The Podcast?
JONAS: I…I think we’re inc: The Podcast…
BETHANY: Okay…I say again, what the heck is inc: The Podcast?
JONAS: Hey, there’s writing on the back, what’s that say?
Beat.
ROBO-ARCHIVIST: Bethany. Jonas. You’ve done everything I’ve asked of you, and more.
Welcome to the end of the universe. Good luck.
The music fades into static, and finally, the sound of someone clicking off an old radio.
END.
The credits for this episode will be read by the Robo-Archivist.
CREDITS
inc: The Podcast, Season 2, Episode 18, Culmination, was written, directed, and edited
by Monte D. Monteleagre and Alexander Wolfe.
In this episode:
Bethany was played by Allyson Levine
Jonas was played by Raimy O. Washington
The Intercom was played by Leah Cardenas
The Sub-Director was played by James Allen
The Over-Director was played by Stevie Faye
Nancy was played by Jacob Pfieffer
The Reporter, Sign Person, and Passerby were played by Chase Guthrie Knueven, Joe
Hanson, and Katie Ploetz respectively.
I, the Robo-Archivist, am borrowing the voice of Ellis MacMillan
inc: The Podcast, Season 2 is now finished.
inc: The Podcast, Season 3, is coming soon.
For the final time this season - inc: The Podcast is a production of Wolf Mountain
Workshop, and has been granted an exclusive license to this content by The Mental
Ennervation Colonies. The Mental Ennervation Colonies - ask yourself, how can M-E work for
me?